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Grieving so hard. Please pray for a miracle

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My_Sojourn

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Brothers and Sisters,

I am sorry I have not been here in a while. I truly believed I was healed completedly of bipolar and didn't need the fellowship and support. But I never stopped taking my meds.

But I did and have made a mess of a beautiful and wonderful situation and blessing because of this illness.

I was involved with a wonderful man. But my insecurities drove him away.

It's been about two weeks since I blew up at him, fearful, delusonal and broke up with him because I thought he broke up with me, but he didn't.

I got angry with him for no good reason. Said untrue things about him, that he treated me badly but he didn't. He has been nothing but kind and patient, know I had some emotional insecurities but not knowing about bipolar.

It's a long distance relationship, a nine hour difference, so I depend on email to communicate and if he calls me. He is offline and will not talk to me anymore. I really hurt him and drove him away.

I sent him an email yesterday and I don't know if he will read it.

I told him I was sick with fever and that's why I said what I did. I didn't say I was bipolar. I said I had viral meningitis at the time and was full of fever and infection and didn't know or mean what I was saying.

Brothers and sisters, please, please, please pray that this man will read his email and forgive me and give me another chance. If we get back together I will explain the bipolar but I could not yet.

Forgive me for being selfish right now. Please pray for me and that God will give him the desire to forgive me and restore this relationship with me. Please pray God will restore this relationship and make it even more blessed and stronger...

I reallly need a miracle!!!

Thank you all so much.
Patty
 

My_Sojourn

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Thank you Alive Again,

You are right and being bipolar would give him so much understanding and he has a right to know. I want him to know. It would be a very good thing for him to know this.

But I can't send him another email because it would be too much right now. I would overwhelm him and make him angry. He needs time to digest my lie about being sick and feverish as an excuse for my blow up.

God gave us both dreams about each other before we even met. And we both continued to dream prophetic dreams about him becoming a Christian missionary and he is not a true believer yet. In my dreams I am there suppoting him but it is his work and mission. And we also had real dreams, while you sleep dreams and visions of us together in the future. He has told me of prophetic visions he had in the past.

I don't know if these things really came from the Lord and they mean anything at all.

Could God really work in this way? God knows I have been praying for a godly man with a ministry for years.

Thank you for praying. What a testimony of his Power. May God be glorified in all things.
 
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My_Sojourn

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I think I blew it again when I responded to the man I could so easily be in love with.

It's wierd, after my other friend prayed over me February, my symptoms lessened so much I truly believed I was completely healed of bipolar 1.

But I seem to still behave as I have bipolar but my symptoms are so, so much better.

I write these long books to my email friend (who lives 6,500 miles away) trying to convince him to still correspond with me even though he never lost interest in the first place. If he is still interested now, he must really care. We've been talking 4 months and he plans to see me in September, at least I think he still plans this.

I had sent him a letter explaining why I left him such crazy messages saying "don't come visit me, it's over, you treat me like a baby and I hate it and am angry at you." So he went offline.

But I didn't mean that. This is the only man I want.

So, to get him back, I nearly sent him a long letter explaining how I had brain lesions and that's why I said those things.

At the last minute I changed my story to I had meningitis and that's why I said those things.

And I went on about the dreams God gave me about him even before I saw his picture, about him becoming a missionary and how we would be together and he had the same dreams too about us being together but his dreams of him being a missionary are very symbolic where mine are more literal. But unmistakable.

Why I lied and why I didn't just say I was just moody and didn't really mean it? But he would say "I'm out of here, she's too high maintenace" or whatever.

Well I responded to his message when he said "don't worry and think too much, he will stay in contact with me and will talk to me soon and things will get better between us and I need to recover because meningitis is very serious".

The things I said in response really does support my claim to this illness. I was trying to act normal but I still said stupid things again.

I want to tell him the truth about being bipolar. I literally display manic, depressed and mixed symptoms in my letters to him over the months. He expressed his concern about me always changing my mind and I didn't knew what was real.

I just don't know when to tell him. Give him a chance to get to know me first, or right away? It would really help him better understand me.

When do you tell your perspective mate about this illness??

I think I blew it again. I told him I needed time before we talk again. And I rambled a little of my dreams again so he understood one I described wasn't about us getting married, but we were invited guests. I did seem a little out of it still but I was acting normal. So I haven't heard from him in a week.

The man is the one who needs to contact me and pursue and woo and lead the communications, am I correct?

Is it okay if I don't hear from him soon, to contact him and say I'm well again, come talk to me?

I supposedly contraced meningitis 2.5 weeks ago, so I should still be trying to recover. I even gave him details about being in the hospital. All lies! God what is wrong with me??

Please pray for me again. I can't believe I sent him letters telling him how God gave me visions through dreams that he will become a big international missionary and that didn't scare him away. This is all true. And he doesn't profess faith in Christ yet but I have shared my faith in detail. This was months ago and that didn't scare him away.

Please pray for me again, that God will keep him interested in me despite my blunderings and he will still pursue me.

Are there such things as soul mates?

That God has a person in mind for us in his perfect will; and that if we delight ourselves in Him, and seek first His Kingdom, God will lead us to that person He wants for us?

Is His formula that He brings the woman to the man.. leads the man to the woman?

Anyway, please agree with me in prayer that God will brings us together no matter what I do to screw it up, so that He will use this man mightily for His Name sake and glory? And it is truly my heart's desire. Help me to rest in Him and His perfect plans for our lives... Jer 29:11

Forgive me for lying, Lord. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thank you so much.

 
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wonderwaleye

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Dear My_Sojourn


I believe it would help if you discuss this with your doctor. He might be able to give you some insight into this.


You are in my prayers.


NO MATTER WHAT, REMEMBER:




X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven
 
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mysojourn

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Thanks Alive again,

Everything is okay as far as my relationship with this man. He still wants to visit me in September and he really seems to care about me.

I did seem to have a total remission of my bipolar symptoms since I was annointed and prayed over in January actually and I began to start cutting back on my meds.

Normally I am on 200 mg Lamictal, 100mg twice a day and 100mg of Serequel. I cut my Lamictal back to 100mg once a day and I even skipped some days sometimes, and cut my Seroquel back to 50 mg once a day because I was feeling so good.

Then in mid April I had a pretty bad mixed episode and I freaked out a little with this guy, refusing to talk to him for a week and then I wrote him a love letter and he seemed to like it.

But I went back on my regular dosage during this week I was mixed.

Then in June I had another mixed episode again. I left him "cancel your visit; it's over; I'm angry with you" on Yahoo instant message and he had done nothing to warrent this. Then I didn't hear from him in two weeks and I sent him another love letter. I'm afraid I am manipulating him

Convinced he would block all my email address and refuse to talk to me again and never visit me, I sent him a I had meningitis to explain my last message and included another love letter from a brand new email address.

He's still interested and is planning his visit and is concerned about my meningitis.

I want to tell him I'm bipolar, but I'm afraid it will scare him away for sure. But it would truly explain my behaviour in a realistic way. And make better sense...

Alive you said I should tell him ASAP?

I'm think I could wait until he comes to visit..?

So that's where it is. God is faithful and worked in his heart. But I am still afraid to disclose this illness. And if he bought everything so far...

But I will tell him tomorrow I guess. Will let you know

Thanks for praing :) .
 
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gracegetsusthere

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It is far easier for me to say this than it will be for you to hear it but 3 things come to mind:

1. Marrying a non-believer, or a partial believer, or a backsliding believer, or heaven forbid a pretender believer is absolutely, positively the most painful thing you can ever do to yourself in your entire life.
You will never be able to share the one thing that you love the most and that is God. You will never be able to say, "hey I read this scripture today...or...so-and-so from church needs prayer... or ... pray with your husband ... or ... have a husband who is yeilded to Christ and loves you as Christ demostrated love." You will be married to an alien. Unconverted people do not have the heart and mind of Christ - if you had the chance to marry a man with the heart and mind of Christ or a man who just want to live his way - who would you choose? If you say you would rather have guy #2 - you really need to let God love you some more.

2. Something tells me you may not have mentioned cutting your meds in half to your doctor? I have done this - I mess up every single time I change my meds without talking to my pdoc - basically because I adjust too much. You may have been able to handle 50mg with not much problem. 100mg is a full 50% reduction in your medication. Too much! No wonder you feel like you are all over the place - you are!

3. If you don't tell this guy the truth about your illness - he cannot help you!!! He cannot be present to what he doesn't know about much less go on the internet to learn about it.

4. Have you thought about the possibility that you are not ready for, nor want a committed, intimate relationship or are frightened and that is part of the reason you are reacting this way? The relationship could be aggravating your illness. You can get caught in a horrible cycle of cause and effect that you cannot even begin to unravel.

I am speaking to you from painful experience. I have done all that you are doing. I have been where you are - as recently as last week when my docs added Lamictal and Lamictal did not like me - when I married TWO, not one but TWO unbelievers - when I have run around like a chicken with my head cut off.

Here is my favorite verse "be still and know that I am God."

Here is the trick - you have to BE STILL first. Yes, you have bipolar, yes you are a little manic but start by trying to sit and still your mind and quiet your soul.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) as well as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have been proven very effective with bipolar disorder.

I go on the assumption that God is not going to heal me. I choose to believe that my bipolar is necessary to further His plan, however he directs. I have to believe that or I would go nuts. So I accept the illness - not happily - but I accept it most of the time.

Its about you, not this man you are talking to, not anyone else. This is about you and finding quiet for your soul.

Be still.
Take the same dose every single day, do not miss it - missing meds really does make a difference (just like missing a birth control pill for those of us who take them - it will put you in severe risk of pregnancy - missing just one dose of medicine puts you in severe risk of instablity)
EXCERCISE - cannot stress the importance of that enough. In fact - if I had to choose between meds and excercise - I might choose the excercise it is that powerful. But I don't have to choose so I do both and its better that way. Listen, most of the time, my husband and I play catch. No kidding. Your body moves, its meditative when you catch then throw - I really love it. You don't have to do much, just do something.

Steven Curtis Chapman "Be Still and Know" is a song based on that scripture. I think you might like it.

Be Still.
Throw a ball.
Take your meds.

It really is that simple.

Love,
Janice

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gracegetsusthere

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Oh and about the dreams - everything must be proven with God's word. If it contradicts God's word, it isn't something to pay attention to no matter how attractive. Trust me, God doesn't want you married to a non-believer. Maybe He is calling this man, maybe He isn't. But you have to guard your heart. It is YOUR HEART that is important here.

With relationships and prospective employers I have the same rule of thumb - Do not say, "I really, really, really want them to want me." Ask instead, "Wait a minute. Do I want them?"
 
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mysojourn

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Thanks, Janice :)

Some very excellent advise. :thumbsup: Sorry my posts are so long and detailed.

Be Still.
Throw a ball.
Take your meds.

Wait a minute. Do I want them?"

YES, I need to take these words to heart everyday!

Amen, Sister! I appreciate you taking the time to share all that. Had I not been under the assumption that I was completely healed, I would have recognized the symptoms of mania... and do what you suggested. First thing I did is quit the daily gym routine and started smoking.

My first clue of going mixed is high anxiety and the uncontrollable craving to smoke! That's when I need to have some emergency Ativan on hand. Pdoc doesn't want me taking them but I told her please it's gotta be better than smoking.

I just wish so baaad I didn't have to take these meds...

But like you said, God allowed this condition to be apart of who I am for His own reasons to further His plan in my life and complete the good work He began... :)

I will tell this guy about my bipolar. If he likes me he still will and if not, his loss. All I need is Jesus. Really.

I also am doing everything I can for my sanity sake to simplify my life and get the stressful things out of my life, like having stressful family members "just staying" with me "temporarily" to find more suitable living arrangements and to change stressful jobs.

It really helps to keep the drama and over stimulation to a minimum at home. It's not just would be nice, it's imperative.

Thank you so much, everybody. will let you know about my hopeful soulmate's response.
 
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gracegetsusthere

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mysojourn said:
Thanks, Janice :)

Some very excellent advise. :thumbsup: Sorry my posts are so long and detailed.

Be Still.
Throw a ball.
Take your meds.

Wait a minute. Do I want them?"

YES, I need to take these words to heart everyday!

Amen, Sister! I appreciate you taking the time to share all that. Had I not been under the assumption that I was completely healed, I would have recognized the symptoms of mania... and do what you suggested. First thing I did is quit the daily gym routine and started smoking.

My first clue of going mixed is high anxiety and the uncontrollable craving to smoke! That's when I need to have some emergency Ativan on hand. Pdoc doesn't want me taking them but I told her please it's gotta be better than smoking.

I just wish so baaad I didn't have to take these meds...

But like you said, God allowed this condition to be apart of who I am for His own reasons to further His plan in my life and complete the good work He began... :)

I will tell this guy about my bipolar. If he likes me he still will and if not, his loss. All I need is Jesus. Really.

I also am doing everything I can for my sanity sake to simplify my life and get the stressful things out of my life, like having stressful family members "just staying" with me "temporarily" to find more suitable living arrangements and to change stressful jobs.

It really helps to keep the drama and over stimulation to a minimum at home. It's not just would be nice, it's imperative.

Thank you so much, everybody. will let you know about my hopeful soulmate's response.
You sound SO much better!!!

And I was afraid I was too heavyhanded.

How are things today?
 
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mysojourn

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Thanks, Janice. I realize I was manic in my earlier posts on this thread.

My pdoc helped to pinpoint the main source of my stress was my job and not as much my family. I had to get to where I could distinguish the two. Once it really hit home, I have had stable moods regarding family for 4 days now.

I do love my family very much and am thankful for them, but I do think I need to live alone for a while but still have family near by. Some need to be in measured doses. We have to find out what our bipolar can handle and can't handle and do what it says.

I am praying and letting the Holy Spirit lead me in my communications with this man. I want God's hand in it. It is wonderful that I can talk about the Lord with him so and he still is interested. I will tell him also about being bipolar because it's a part of who I am.

God bless you everybody.
 
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PrairieGurl

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mysojourn said:
Thanks, Janice. I realize I was manic in my earlier posts on this thread.

My pdoc helped to pinpoint the main source of my stress was my job and not as much my family. I had to get to where I could distinguish the two. Once it really hit home, I have had stable moods regarding family for 4 days now.

I do love my family very much and am thankful for them, but I do think I need to live alone for a while but still have family near by. Some need to be in measured doses. We have to find out what our bipolar can handle and can't handle and do what it says.

I am praying and letting the Holy Spirit lead me in my communications with this man. I want God's hand in it. It is wonderful that I can talk about the Lord with him so and he still is interested. I will tell him also about being bipolar because it's a part of who I am.

God bless you everybody.

I am so glad to hear you are :prayer: and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide you. Honesty IS the best way to go (in all things and relationships)

Glad to hear your family is supportive. My moto in life is...GOD, FAMILY, & FRIENDS !

I also am blessed with a family who loves and supports me, a loving heavenly Father that knows my inner most being, and friends that I have known for years and friends I have met on this site (which has been a sweet "extra" blessing)

With :hug: & :prayer:
 
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