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Grieving husband. How do I support him, handle the loneliness, and not resent his mother?

Discussion in 'Separation and Marriage Restoration' started by Ammi, May 22, 2018.

  1. Ammi

    Ammi New Member

    South Africa
    Recently(February '18) my Father-in-law passed away in a terrible unexpected way. Just 3 months prior to this, his mother (our grandmother) passed away at age - 91. She lived with my husband's parents since his birth.

    My mother-in-law is a terrible controlling and manipulative person. When we were just going out, she would chase me away, and say the meanest things. Sometimes I think that I would have been better off not marrying this man. But I truly love him, and believe that we were meant to be. His father would control his mom, and tell her to stop meddling, and stop being mean.

    Since his Father passed away, his mom is so mean to me, eventhough I handle all the administrative stuff, I organised the funeral, I jump whenever she snaps her fingers, and still its not good enough - for her or my husband. She has two other sons, whom one is married with 3 children. This daugther-in-law can do nothing wrong. She doesn't have one good thing to say about me. All of this have caused such resentment in my heart towards her. I am angry whenever MIL phones, or visits or asks us to do something. And I don't know how to cope with this resentment or how not to feel this way.

    My husband on the other hand, gets up in the morning, goes to work, comes home, sits in front of the tv, or on his cellphone, ignores all my attempts at making conversation, and goes to sleep. We don't talk, we don't do anything together. It is asif I don't exist. When we do go somewhere he is so mean to the other people there, or he sits in a corner like a angry teenager. I constantly have to make exuses for him everywhere. Whenever one of his brothers phones or come to visit, he will talk hours with them, but he doesn't have ten words to say to me.

    And his mom.... He has told me that I'm no longer the most important in his life, his mother now is. She can ask him the most ridiculous things, and he would leave everything and go do it for her (She lives an hour away from us). She is only 52, so its not asif she can't do anything for her self.

    When my FIL just passed away, he wanted to leave everything and move in with her. I didn't. So he told me then we would divorce, so he could move in with her. We have never discussed this again.

    He also refuses to read Bible or pray. He says he is angry at God. But does nothing to fix it.

    I'm at my wits end... I don't know which way anymore..
    Last edited: May 22, 2018
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  2. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    United States
    Your husband is married to you. Not his mom. It's alright for him to help and be there for his mother, but not alright to drop you or leave you for his mother.

    Scripturally, a man is supposed to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, not the other way around. Sounds like he's depressed and misses his dad, and is coping poorly by blaming you and isolating himself. Prayers! Have no specific advise, but pray for him, and maybe offer to take him to a place (not his mom's) where he wants go, that would make him feel calm, and happy. Just you guys, just for a day.
  3. 4x4toy

    4x4toy Newbie Supporter

  4. R. Hartono

    R. Hartono Well-Known Member

    Feel sorry for you, may Jesus open ur MIL's heart amen.
  5. R. Hartono

    R. Hartono Well-Known Member

    I know of the same mean MIL who destroy the marriage of His son with a woman She disliked, SHE DIED TRAGICALLY ON THE STREET.
  6. akmom

    akmom Newbie

    Your husband's parents took in his grandmother, and he experienced that dynamic his entire life. So that's what normal to him. I understand why you wouldn't want to do that. I certainly would not have wanted to do that.

    Is your husband's unpleasant attitude a new thing? Or does it predate his father's death? I don't know if you've lost your parents, but it is very disorienting. It's harder than I expected. And it takes a very long time to adjust. It's hard to pick up and appreciate other relationships because you're kind of preoccupied with the one you lost. I understand how crummy that makes life for you right now, but if you could just appreciate the enormous burden that it would be for your husband to adjust to your expectations right now... I really think this is something that you will just have to let go for now. It's a burden you will have to bear together.

    I don't mean he should leave and live with his mother, or that you should acquiesce to taking her in. But I think you'll have to adjust to having her around more, to having your husband accommodate her more, and to the sullen moods that his grief will precipitate for a long time. I know you are his wife and you should be his priority, but death has a way of rearranging our priorities - at least for a time - and making us cling to the one we lost and everything connected to them. It's strange... I spent more time thinking about my dad the year he died than I spent thinking about or talking to him in the preceding five years combined! There is just no way around it. All you can do is bear it, be his rock, and wait for that phenomenon to recede in the next few years. It will. His affections will return to you when this hardship lightens.