God's way of parenting

[jessesgirl]

Robinsegg...when you send them to their room, how long does it typically take you to calm down? What do you do to calm down? How do they deal with it when the situation has already passed and then you decide to discipline? I know that probably wouldn't work for toddlers....but I see how that could definitely work!

 

[Robinsegg]

Robinsegg...when you send them to their room, how long does it typically take you to calm down?

Generally a couple of minutes . . . never more than 5 minutes.

What do you do to calm down?

I pray, for the most part. I also try to examine my emotions to discover why I've gotten so angry.

How do they deal with it when the situation has already passed and then you decide to discipline? I know that probably wouldn't work for toddlers....but I see how that could definitely work!

My kids are 4 & 7. I generally sit them down, explain the rule involved, the reason for the rule, and how the child broke the rule. Then, I tell them that, "because you chose x, y or z, you also chose the consequence I told you would happen." Or, "I told you x, y, or z would happen, but I was speaking out of anger. Instead, you will have a, b, or c happen".

This doesn't generally happen too much . . . and neither of my children has been defiant (and refuse to back down) more than 3 times this year.

Rachel

 

[Sunset2009]

I don't have children, but I've read a lot on rearing children (I don't know why, I'm weird and like to read family-centered things). Our parents spanked us growing up, and yet people tell me we were abused (which I've never understood). I respect my parents so much, I'm not scared of them, I don't fear them, because I know they were disciplining me, not beating me, not abusing me, not hurting me because they wanted to, or because they were angry.

The Bible says the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all knowledge. And since a lot of you are taking Christ's example as to how He treated people when He was on earth, and thus, this is how you will treat your children, I will do the same. We must fear the Lord, and know that the Lord can crush us at any second. Fearing the Lord is a good thing. He disciplines us, and the Bible says he who does not discipline his son, does not love his son (Proverbs 3:12). Does discipline = spanking? Sure! For some families, and it's not a bad thing. I'm simply trying to point out, if it works for your child, then it works.

There is a difference between being abused by your parents, and being disciplined by your parents through spanking. Spanking works for some children. So does time-out, all kids are different. When I was a child, I would go to the train tracks near our house, and actually touch the trains that flew past me (I couldn't have been 6). My dad spanked me for doing that. I do know that if he had put me in time-out, I would have gone back to the tracks, because I wasn't afraid of a time-out. But fearing my father's punishment was the beginning of knowledge for me, and I never went back.

But for other kids, a time-out, or another type of discipline would have done them justice.

You probably don't appreciate this from a teenaged girl, but I just thought I'd give my $0.02.

 

[jessesgirl]

I don't have children, but I've read a lot on rearing children (I don't know why, I'm weird and like to read family-centered things). Our parents spanked us growing up, and yet people tell me we were abused (which I've never understood). I respect my parents so much, I'm not scared of them, I don't fear them, because I know they were disciplining me, not beating me, not abusing me, not hurting me because they wanted to, or because they were angry.

The Bible says the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all knowledge. And since a lot of you are taking Christ's example as to how He treated people when He was on earth, and thus, this is how you will treat your children, I will do the same. We must fear the Lord, and know that the Lord can crush us at any second. Fearing the Lord is a good thing. He disciplines us, and the Bible says he who does not discipline his son, does not love his son (Proverbs 3:12). Does discipline = spanking? Sure! For some families, and it's not a bad thing. I'm simply trying to point out, if it works for your child, then it works.

There is a difference between being abused by your parents, and being disciplined by your parents through spanking. Spanking works for some children. So does time-out, all kids are different. When I was a child, I would go to the train tracks near our house, and actually touch the trains that flew past me (I couldn't have been 6). My dad spanked me for doing that. I do know that if he had put me in time-out, I would have gone back to the tracks, because I wasn't afraid of a time-out. But fearing my father's punishment was the beginning of knowledge for me, and I never went back.

But for other kids, a time-out, or another type of discipline would have done them justice.

You probably don't appreciate this from a teenaged girl, but I just thought I'd give my $0.02.

I really do appreciate it; thanks!

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Discipline was/is much more than spanking for us but these are the reasons we came to the place of not spanking.
For our oldest even when a spanking was "properly" administered it caused her to become more defiant, disrespectful and eventually caused her to become violent.

For our middle child, she is very sensitive and a spanking or even a threat to do so was too harsh a consequence.

For my girls losing our trust is much more effective a consequence to direct defiance/lying than any spanking.

My son who could handle a spanking sees spanking as an inconsistency. We have a no hitting rule (treat others as you want to be treated) so he sees all spankings as a rule broken. Even if you accidentally smack his hand he recoils and cries "We no hit."

That is why we do what we do in that area.

 

[jessesgirl]

Before we had a child, hubby and I were certain we would raise our eventual children the way our parents did - fairly punitive, with a good dose of spanking (his less than mine - I was very stubborn!).
Then we had our son, and our viewpoint started to change. We just couldn't imagine spanking our son later on. And I started to think of God's character towards me and how I've never seen him as a punitive God, so why should I want to punish my children?
At the same time, I discovered GBD on here, and now I'm reading the book Biblical Parenting. It's a whole new revelation to me and I really think this is the way I want to parent my children. If God constantly gives me grace, why should I not want to portray the same thing to my children?
All of this is really new since Zak is only 2 months, but I'm glad I'm learning so soon because I'll be able to have the right start.
I think the way we chose to parent our children as Christians somewhat reflects how we perceive God acts towards us as our Heavenly Father.

Simply asking...not debating (as that would be breaking my OWN rules!)...even though God is a God of grace and forgiveness...aren't there still consequences for our actions? Do you like the book "Biblical Parenting?"

 

[jessesgirl]

I took a look at the way I wanted to be treated by others , at the way Jesus treated others and then asked myself . . . why ould I treat children any differently?
I want to be treated with respect and I want to be given boundaries enforced with grace and tough love when needed. I want gentleness and kindnss and intimacy and connectedness. I want a real relationship not a set of rules.
Jesus treated ppl with respect , he treated hem as individuas. He has high expectations for them and rebuked tem when they were teribly wrong but also offered them endless love and compassion and kindness and charity.

Some people say that Jesus never spoke on 'parenting' but he DID speak on how to treat people and , well , aren't children people?

It took me some time to learn this though . . and unfortunately my first child was the ' victim' of some of the antiquated 'remedies' of grandmohers and aunts who figured they knew what they were taking about because they'd gone before me.

Nursing my second child has also taught me alot. It may sound kooky but doing something so. . .primal, and so instinctual has really tuned me in to my instincts in regards to my children.

So what do you consider "tough love?"

 

[jessesgirl]

I strive to live my life each day, each minute representing Christ's church. Daily I wake up and surrender to Him and His will. Nightly I reflect on my days. I spend quite a bit of time in self reflection and asking God to help me be more like Him as I work out my salvation in fear and trembling. This is how I lived prior to having a child to love, protect, teach and cherish.

There were some kinks in the beginning of the parenting path that I had to work through. After I worked through the early difficulties of parenthood, I have learned once again to seek the Kingdom of Heaven first in all areas of life and specifically in this case how to mother the child God has entrusted into my care and God is making my path straight. To put it into perspective, I entered parenting with the method I thought was best and God has shown me how to parent my son the way He thinks is best. There is a definite improvement in the dynamics and the response I get from myself and my son (and the hubby for that matter).

This has made it possible for me to parent effectively without being affected by others' commentary (albeit positive or negative).

Well put! Thanks!

 

[jessesgirl]

Discipline was/is much more than spanking for us but these are the reasons we came to the place of not spanking.
For our oldest even when a spanking was "properly" administered it caused her to become more defiant, disrespectful and eventually caused her to become violent.

For our middle child, she is very sensitive and a spanking or even a threat to do so was too harsh a consequence.

For my girls losing our trust is much more effective a consequence to direct defiance/lying than any spanking.

My son who could handle a spanking sees spanking as an inconsistency. We have a no hitting rule (treat others as you want to be treated) so he sees all spankings as a rule broken. Even if you accidentally smack his hand he recoils and cries "We no hit."

That is why we do what we do in that area.

So what you are saying is that you look at each child and then gague how you can effectively parent them based on who they are?

 

[heart of peace]

I just wanted to pipe in and point out that "to discipline" literally means "to teach." That is all, thanks

 

[jessesgirl]

I just wanted to pipe in and point out that "to discipline" literally means "to teach." That is all, thanks

Thank YOU! \

 

[OrangeRose]

So what you are saying is that you look at each child and then gague how you can effectively parent them based on who they are?

That's what we did. What worked for one child didn't work for the others.

 

[TT555]

I just wanted to pipe in and point out that "to discipline" literally means "to teach." That is all, thanks

Well put.

 

[TT555]

Oh... someone mentioned BIBLICAL PARENTING by Crystal Lutton and I cannot find the post. Anywho, it is an excellent teaching honey, I'm sorry I couldn't find your post again. It is easy to read and a good base for "God's Way of Parenting".

 

[TT555]

Oh dear I am not good at this yet. Tried to edit the other post. Please keep your BIBLE on the reading table while you read BIBLICAL PARENTING by Crystal Lutton. It is good for one to you know, cross reference the scriptures. Love that baby he's a cutey-pie.

One thing my babies always liked was big bear hugs and lots of I Love Yous. It's so darling when they first say it back. Just darling.

 

[Robinsegg]

Oh, I guess I should have said: when my kids are sent to their rooms for throwing fits, they may come out as soon as they're ready to have a better attitude. I send them only after I've tried to help them calm down, and they simply won't. It's not a punishment, or waiting for punishment . . . it just gives them some time to cool down w/o an audience.
R

 

[Jilly123]

We are a middle-of-the-road family, I suppose. I've always tried to give our kids lots of choices, so they feel they have some control over their lives (even if it's "do you want to wear this shirt or that one?").
We give one swat for outright defiance, but give a warning and a chance for the child to back off their position first with a reminder of how they may approach the issue and indicate their disagreement.

I never punish in anger (I guess I have produced a time out or two when I was angry, but always went back and apologized afterward).

I will send my children to their rooms for throwing fits (nobody wants to be around that behavior, at home or out), and to let me calm down before I deal with poor behavior.

We talk about making "good choices" not being a "good girl/boy".

We talk about the reasons for the rules and directions given.

We expect apologies and forgiveness between family members, even the parents apologize when we mess up.

Rachel

We parent in a very similar way Rachel .

We will give my daughter a swat on the bottom for outright defiance, but spanking is just one of the parenting tools we use to discipline our daughter. I think that there are many methods you can use very effectively, depending on the situation.

I will also never punish in anger. If I feel like I'm getting angry I will hold my breath and count to ten and then pray.

We also expect apologies in our family (yes, including the parents when we mess up).

My daughter is still quite small and I am certain that as she gets older we will change the way we discipline her as she changes.

I think different things work for different people because we all have such unique personalities etc. For example when I was little the only form of discipline I would respond to was a swat on the bottom, whereas my eldest sister found a disappointed "look" from my parents as sufficient to get her to change her behavior. My husband was parented in a very similar way. We both grew up to be well-adjusted adults with no emotional baggage and I think it has to a certain extent affected the way we parent. We have taken what we liked from our parent's example and have tossed what we don't like.

This is what works for us. I don't really care if people criticize the way I parent because I know it works for us. I know that our daughter is secure, happy and feels very loved. But at the same time I don't criticize those who use non-punitive discipline, because obviously they know what works for them.

Parenting is definitely not easy and I think we need to ask God to give us wisdom every day. Praying that God guides you Jessesgirl .

 

[JustBoo]

So what do you consider "tough love?"

'tough love' means to me:

physically restraining a tantrumming 4 year old if he may hurt siblings or property.

not allowing my teenager to be out of my sight ( literally) if he's proven that he can't be trusted. ( to the point of sitting in on his classes if I had to)

calling the cops on my kid if they break the law.

Basically it means pulling out all the stops and not enabling my child or protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions. Some parents intervene on their behalf with teachers or the law and get them out of what they 'deserve' and it sets a pattern for life where the child doesn't learn how to take responsibility for themself.

( those were hypothetical situations by the way)

 

[Thankful4HIM]

I don't CIO because when I see their faces and see how scared and sad they look, why would I let them go on. They want their mommy or daddy and I'm going to be there. Besides who wants to hear their children crying so hard that they start puking or sweating and get overheated.. (no my kids have never done that, i've never let them CIO)I'd rather deal with the issue head on.

I've spanked occasionally still do but I'm working on not doing it. It's been getting more and more successful. I want to get away from it because it hurts them. It also hurts me. I was abused growing up (more than just a swat) so, it's something that I want to break and I don't want my children to grow up and think they have to spank cuz that's what happened to them kwim.

I've been talking with Carlei when she gets out of hand, sometimes she doesn't hear me and that's fine, but maybe she'll remember next time she does it. I read How to talk to kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. It's a great book!! That's what's really helped me. It'd be my way or the highway (most times), and I'm learning to give more options, talking different ways so she knows that I'm understanding what she's feeling.. and I don't say No, we don't have bananas.. so you can't have any... that sentence in relation to whatever she asked for was such fighting words... Now.. it's .. I wish we had some popscicles, those would be so yummy right now, but when we get some more you sure can have some.. let's have some icecream instead... "oooo sceam" lol...

I co-sleep because I breastfeed and it's soooo much easier for me, plus I'm so paranoid that something will happen to her if she's in another room.

I had read another book I think it was called Grace based parenting by Tim Kimmel pretty much the only thing I remember from that book was.. the point on.. Why squabble about small things... Like for instance-Carlei picks out some clothes.. they don't match.. not even in the slightest... what came typical is.. no that doesn't match.. wear this it matches. now she's ticked crying screaming etc, now i'm irritated... now I really don't care.. especially if we're not leaving the house.. so she can wear whatever she wants... I hope that makes sense as to the point I was trying to make lol

I can't think of anything else.

 

[Robinsegg]

What I do to allow my kids to choose their clothing but still have it match is to put the clothes away in outfits. That way, they pick from the choices I've set out ahead of time . . . I either fold the outfit together in a drawer (shirt folds around pants/shorts) or hang it together (pants/shorts/skirt folded on the bottom of the hanger and shirt over the top). They can choose whatever they like, because it's already in outfits that match. Best of both worlds!
R