God's way of parenting

[jessesgirl]

So all these threads about parenting books and what would you do in x and x case....and all that good stuff got me thinking.

Gentle, "grace based" parents say don't spank and want to be gentle and attentive to their children (I may be off a bit, but you get my point). Parents who choose to spank say that they are helping their kiddos set boundaries and such....

Anyway...I guess what I am trying to say is that there are SO MANY ways of parenting...breastfeeding, bottlefeeding...cosleeping, not cosleeping, cloth diapering...non cloth diapering, punitive, non-punitive. Most everyone who has decided on a way to raise their family knows that it is the best for their family. So I guess what I am trying to ask (in my whacky, crazy I don't know what's wrong with me new way of posting) is how did you decide which way was best for your family? Did you pray about it? Do you think you are in line with God's way of parenting? What do you think IS "God's way" of parenting?

I DON'T WANT A DEBATE HERE about whose way is better...I just want your input on why you chose the means that you chose!

 

[Green Orchid]

Before we had a child, hubby and I were certain we would raise our eventual children the way our parents did - fairly punitive, with a good dose of spanking (his less than mine - I was very stubborn!).
Then we had our son, and our viewpoint started to change. We just couldn't imagine spanking our son later on. And I started to think of God's character towards me and how I've never seen him as a punitive God, so why should I want to punish my children?
At the same time, I discovered GBD on here, and now I'm reading the book Biblical Parenting. It's a whole new revelation to me and I really think this is the way I want to parent my children. If God constantly gives me grace, why should I not want to portray the same thing to my children?
All of this is really new since Zak is only 2 months, but I'm glad I'm learning so soon because I'll be able to have the right start.
I think the way we chose to parent our children as Christians somewhat reflects how we perceive God acts towards us as our Heavenly Father.

 

[jgonz]

When DH & I got married we had already had our 1st. (I know, we did things backwards.) Anyway, I had had very little money before we got married, so the only parenting mag I got was a freebie. I found that I agreed with some things and totally disagreed with other things. I tried a few tips (some worked, and some didn't). Most of my thoughts were Biblically based... and by that I mean what *I* had read and understood of Proverbs and the rest of the Word. Ever since I got saved, I have lived by the Word and depended on the Holy Spirit's guidance (because I had no one else to help me, really).

Then DH & I got married and we discussed how we were going to do the parenting thing Together. He agreed with me on pretty much everything but there were a few things we had to tweak/compromise on. We've discussed, evolved, grown a lot in the area of parenting. We are definately not the same people we were when we got married... 24+ yrs of living does that to people ...

We still don't agree on everything~ I suppose that would be too boring. One thing we have Always agreed on is that no book is better than the Word for parenting advice, so we've always been rather skeptical of parenting books (and don't really read them ever).

The only books I've run across in all these years that are similar to my current views, are Dr. Sears' books. Our beliefs & views are a mixture of what G-d has shown us and practical experience. Spanking works really well for Some of our kids, while consequences work much better for others. I believe G-d deals with us as individuals, so we should deal with each of our children as individuals.

 

[Leanna]

We are pretty strict on boundaries once we set them, but laid back on some things that aren't important so we let him choose. When I was pregnant with David I assumed we would spank, and we started out with Babywise. Then I realized the close relationship that I had with my son (yes even with Babywise influence ) was important (crucial!) and that spanking didn't make sense anymore. I also changed my mind on cry it out and we didn't let Maya cry but she still sleeps.... so it works

I do not think that there is a God's way of parenting because if there were Jesus would have talked about it more in the Bible and it would be stark clear-- like its stark clear on some other issues like how we are to live and treat others. I would say that when I read the gospels particularly I get a strong feel for the character of Jesus.... and I can't see him spanking. He gathered children onto his lap. He cried, and he was real, and while he told the disciples how to live in the end he recognized it as their choice. Yes, I raise my children with boundaries, but in the end it will be their choice to do the right thing as teens and adults. Therefore I try to teach in a way that will allow them to know how and why to make the right choice someday, not just because I say so and I am the controlling parent, but because it is the right thing. As Charlotte Mason says, "There is no need to berate the child, or threaten him, or use any manner of violence, because the parent is invested with authority which the child intuitively recognizes. It is enough to say, 'Do this,' in a quiet authoritative tone, and expect it to be done. The mother often loses her hold over her children because they detect in the tone of her voice that she does not expect them to obey her behests; she does not think enough of her position; has not sufficient confidence in her own authority." I felt called to find a way to teach my child respect without berating, threatening or using any manner of violence. I found that way in Crystal Lutton's grace based discipline and I've felt great peace about this being exactly where God called me to be. By the way it was a conversation with her (she's on my other forum) that brought me back to the faith.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Interesting thread. Hope you don't mind if I just read for awhile? I tried to form my thoughts but I seem to be having a hard time formulating what I want to say. So I'll just read for now until I see someone who I agree with, or I figure out how to explain myself

 

[BananaCake]

Interesting thread, gonna watch for now............

 

[jessesgirl]

Thanks everyone for your answers so far. Interesting perspectives thus far... Imma wait a little bit before I give my answers!

 

[JustBoo]

I took a look at the way I wanted to be treated by others , at the way Jesus treated others and then asked myself . . . why ould I treat children any differently?
I want to be treated with respect and I want to be given boundaries enforced with grace and tough love when needed. I want gentleness and kindnss and intimacy and connectedness. I want a real relationship not a set of rules.
Jesus treated ppl with respect , he treated hem as individuas. He has high expectations for them and rebuked tem when they were teribly wrong but also offered them endless love and compassion and kindness and charity.

Some people say that Jesus never spoke on 'parenting' but he DID speak on how to treat people and , well , aren't children people?

It took me some time to learn this though . . and unfortunately my first child was the ' victim' of some of the antiquated 'remedies' of grandmohers and aunts who figured they knew what they were taking about because they'd gone before me.

Nursing my second child has also taught me alot. It may sound kooky but doing something so. . .primal, and so instinctual has really tuned me in to my instincts in regards to my children.

 

[ChristianMama84]

Heh, I'm against spanking because from my experience I feel it teaches distrust and hurts the child emotionally. I never really felt loved by my dad because he spanked me. My hubby, on the other hand, believes spanking is the only way. I think he'll come around, though.

 

[jessesgirl]

Heh, I'm against spanking because from my experience I feel it teaches distrust and hurts the child emotionally. I never really felt loved by my dad because he spanked me. My hubby, on the other hand, believes spanking is the only way. I think he'll come around, though.

Is it spanking period that you are against or spanking in excess?

 

[seamonster]

I don't think there is just one set way that you should parent. Each child is very different, so parenting tactics must be re-evaluated based on the needs of the individual child.

I do believe that God punishes his children and allows us to suffer negative consequences, so I am not against punishing children for things that are dangerous or mean. I don't think spanking is the only way to discipline, but I think it can be used effectively when in moderation. It really depends on the child. If you spank once and the child keeps repeating the action, obviously a different method needs to be used.

I was spanked MAYBE five times as a child. Spanking worked, and I never repeated whatever the problem was (lying, hitting my brother, etc). My sister, OTOH, could be spanked ten times a day and just not care. My parents didn't spank her because spanking didn't work with her. For her, having a privilege revoked worked far better than being spanked.

I don't agree with most of the principles of "graced based parenting" because every parent I know "in real life" that practices this has horribly behaved children who reign over the parents instead of vice versa.

As for "God's way of parenting," I think God disciplines us in love but I do believe that we are punished for our misdeeds. (See: eternal damnation.) It's not really logical to say "We shouldn't punish our children when they disobey," yet say "thieves and robbers and murderers should go to jail." It's the same thing, albeit on different scales, but it's unfair to train your child that there are not going to be negative consequences to their actions. They'll just get into the real world, be it off at college or wherever, and be in shock.

 

[confused2007]

The word spank isn't in Proverbs. If parents want to justify it using Proverbs, they should look take a look at the literal meaning of "Rod" in the scriptures. For more information on this subject please visit this site http://aolff.com/.

I wish parents that insist on spanking their children would stop swatting their children in front of me and my child or announcing in public department stores, "You're getting a spankin' when we get to the car!" That one happened the other night. I really held my tongue for I could just imagine this 4 or 5 year old waiting through 30 more minutes of boring shopping just to get her "spanking".

It's refreshing to read posts from so many non-punitive and non-spanking Christians. Thank you. I feel at home here.

 

[confused2007]

I believe that spanking is easy on parents and hard on the child.

I believe that sending a child to his room, spanking them, then hugging them and saying "I love you" sends a mixed message and can warp a mind.

I believe there is no "padded" side of the body. It all has nerve endings and it all hurts.

I believe that children can be given alternatives.

Does anyone really want their child to grow up punishing themselves with abusive relationships, drugs, alcohol, food, etc... just because they made a mistake?

 

[marezee]

i was "spanked" and i turned out fine. but i need to watch and read a bit more to discuss my point of view...remember...no debating. IMHO i think generalizing that all children who are spanked are abused is wrong, and all children who are spanked turn out as criminals or abuse drugs is wrong!

 

[heart of peace]

I wish parents that insist on spanking their children would stop swatting their children in front of me and my child or announcing in public department stores, "You're getting a spankin' when we get to the car!" That one happened the other night. I really held my tongue for I could just imagine this 4 or 5 year old waiting through 30 more minutes of boring shopping just to get her "spanking".

Hello there. I do see that you are emotionally vested in this concept as your clear disdain for the way strangers parent their children is evident in your posting. It is unfortunate that you feel so negative about spanking and that spanking is causing you to stumble and stand in judgment of other parents as well as feeling that you have to hold yourself back from confronting complete strangers and rebuking them. Your opinion is quite unsettling actually.

Not for nothing, it is quite unenjoyable to have to deal with an out of control child whose parent is speaking to their child in soft tones and trying to do the "redirection, use words that are non-confrontational, et cetera." There are 2 sides to that coin of yours.

Does anyone really want their child to grow up punishing themselves with abusive relationships, drugs, alcohol, food, etc... just because they made a mistake?

HUH I am completely and utterly lost here. It seems you are referring to the likely outcome to child abuse, confused.

Pain is a natural part of living in a fallen world. We sin and we have consequences to face. Break the law go to jail, resist that arrest and face aggressive handlings. Cheat on a test, get suspended. Touch a hot stove, get burnt.

Unfortunately, parents who do employ spanking may be less motivated to post in this thread for fear of your (or others) disapproval.

 

[Leanna]

MsDahl, I thought this thread was the time to say what we believe about parenting, not time to attack the way other people do it. If you have a problem with someone's post you should report it.

 

[seamonster]

Does anyone really want their child to grow up punishing themselves with abusive relationships, drugs, alcohol, food, etc... just because they made a mistake?

What?

No, I don't want my child to feel it necessary to "punish himself" but at the same time, there are going to be natural consequences and punishments in every aspect of society, so it's unfair to not teach a child that if he disobeys the rules of society that he will be punished by SOMEONE - whether that be expulsion from college for plagiarism or a ticket for speeding, there will be negative effects to bad choices.

Everyone makes mistakes, but just because you made a mistake and you realize it doesn't mean that you don't have to deal with the consequences of that decision. That's why an important part of parenting is to teach your child about cause/effect.

I'm unclear as to whether you feel that some of the responses on this thread are advocating a child to start self-abuse or self-injury? I don't think that anyone responding here has been for a child hurting himself or for making bad decisions.

 

[jessesgirl]

Ok, I said no debate people...just expressing your method of parenting and why you chose to parent the way you did! PLEASE!

 

[Katydid]

We started out very Dobson, then progressed to Pearls. Then, when I saw the reaction my kids were having to spanking and just the attitude around the house, I felt that we needed a change. Since then, we have stopped spanking, though we have VERY FIRM boundaries. All consequences are related to the act that caused them. I.e. dd spills kool-aid all over the floor because she dumps the pitcher out and a)she cleans up the mess right then. b) she doesn't get kool-aid for the rest of the day. Cause momma only makes it once a day at most. She has now learned that dumping out kool-aid is not a good thing to do. Some call this punishment, we call it logical consequences. If I can avoid whacking my children when they misbehave and yet still teach the same lesson, with the same effect (they fix the behavior) then I think that is what God would want from me. Cause you know, it's better to have a millstone hung around your neck then to cause a little one to stumble.

 

[Neenie1]

I don't understand how you can have a thread like this without debating.

I would like to add my 2c about some of the things I have read on here, but won't because of the idea of no debating.

It's very frustrating for me sitting here reading this and feel personally attacked because someone thinks that a child who is smacked is abused. Well that's how I do things and you don't have to like it.