Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[DavidFirth]

I have a chair mounted on two long poles, I sit in the chair and my slaves lift me up. Then we travel along the beach while I fan myself. What you can do is place the bodies underneath the chair and just get more slaves to then carry the chair. You will still have that casual look as you fan yourself.

Bring back slavery.

Okay, since you're our first volunteer, we'll shackle you right up.

How to drive 120 mph safely?

 

[klutedavid]

Okay, since you're our first volunteer, we'll shackle you right up.

How to drive 120 mph safely?

Not sure what you mean by 'safely'?

Cars kill, cars are dangerous, a car driven at any speed is dangerous. You were designed by God with legs to get from A to B, now start using them.

The Luddite has taken the seat, anyone else wan't to be rebuked?

 

[DavidFirth]

All the Luddites are dead, so no need for rebuking folks.

Texas wants to declare independence.

 

[klutedavid]

Let me unscramble your secret message.

Initial secret message: 'Texas wants to declare independence'

Unscrambled secret message: Once we increase your tax rates

David, it might pay to put more effort into your secret messages, that one was very boring.

Anyone else care to try their hand at secret messages, and make it interesting?

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

Hand signals can be great secret message communicators. When I drive, I encounter quite a large number of drivers from some sort of cult, and they all signal to me with the exact same hand signal - the thumb and three fingers of their hand clenched toward the devotee, and a fourth turned skyward. I still haven't figured out the meaning yet, so I signal back in the same way, but this seems to make them angry, for reasons yet unknown. Usually, I experience this signalling when I encounter these folk driving on the wrong side of the road.

How to convince KluteDavid to divulge unto me the secret knowledge of hand-signalification?

 

[klutedavid]

I was amazed and humbled at the same time by your post.

I did not realize that you did not know the common hand signals, that drivers use to communicate with each other. All they are asking you with those hand signals, is that you stop sharply because they wan't to have a chat about the weather. That is why their fist is pointing at you and the sky at the same time.

They drive on the wrong side of the road so that they can stop you and have a chat. Driving is purely a social event whereby the drivers can express their deep love for all their fellow road users. They will be most upset and depressed if you ignore them and keep driving.

If you wan't to meet interesting people just drive as slowly as you can!

 

[Doctor.Sphinx]

After completing the initial civilities when greeting a driver met in this way (usually some shouting of short words, waving of fists and several brief but fast bodily contacts), I recommend donning a white hood with separate holes for one's eyes and smile, taking out a Kalashnikov, and dancing in a circle whilst firing several rounds into the air and shouting "allah akbar" continuously in a loud voice. This signals to the driver that the time for greetings is over, and helps one not to become late for one's appointments.

I had a visit today from some men in suits, who claimed to work for some sort of federal bureau for investigations. They are seeking information on some sort of "lunatic", who they believe drives on the wrong side of the road and terrorises the locals. How can I help these well-dressed gentlemen, without drawing their attention to the sad truth that my area is likely filled with such "terrorists"?

 

[DavidFirth]

Just take them to a beach party and introduce them to some rather pretty lasses and theyll forget all about lunatics.

He to convince the cops that you're not the 'bot' they're looking for?

 

[gennypearl]

spell your words right.

what to do with heartbreakers?

 

[DavidFirth]

Rip his heart out and show it to him before he dies. (Seriously, pray for the dude. You're better than that.)

How to detect lies?

 

[gennypearl]

watch the eyes and lips of the person you think is lying. if it twitches, the person is lying.

should i get drunk when i don't feel good?

 

[DavidFirth]

Yes, of course you should. Take LSD and morphine, too.
(No way. Pray instead.)

How to get @LaSorcia to post here more often?

 

[*LILAC]

Everybody should spam up her inbox to tell her exactly why she should come back to post more. The angrier you seem, the more likely she might come back, right?

How can I manipulate the neighbour to only mow his lawn when it suits me? His tractor is far too noisy.

 

[DavidFirth]

Just add a cup of sugar to his fuel tank. Then, when it suits you, let him borrow your mower.

How to make the perfect sandwich perfect without lettuce and onions?

 

[mama2one]

make it, take a photo, post it on FB with title "perfect sandwich" and count all the likes



how do I get my dog who has alopecia to stop losing hair?

 

[klutedavid]

Yet another secret message David Firth, I will let someone else reveal the hidden message. I don't want to be accused of knowing everything and showing off.

Why are children so noisy? We have a school across the road and do those children make a racket! I remember when I was young I never made any noise.

 

[klutedavid]

Shave all of his hair off, then you will not notice your dog losing his hair. Are you sure it's your dog that's losing his hair, and it's not your hair everywhere?

 

[DavidFirth]

(Shhhhhhhhhhhh, peeps ain't supposed he know I'm the real 007 in retirement!)

Just give all the children some really sticky taffy, that'll shut 'em all up.

How to send secret messages without klutedavid figuring them out?

 

[LaSorcia]

You should probably just say your real message. That way, he'll think it's a secret one and think it actually means something else.

I think I have fleas. How do I get rid of them?

 

[klutedavid]

You should probably just say your real message. That way, he'll think it's a secret one and think it actually means something else.

I think I have fleas. How do I get rid of them?

Nice try LaSorcia, you don't have fleas. I studied your picture closely and also noticed your replies, the replies did not match what a kitten would write. You have been exposed and I know who you really are!

Your the smaller white, fake kitten with the big smile in the picture. How did I work it out you might ask? Simple really, your arms are too short to reach beyond the lower line of keys on the keyboard. Far too many zeds and exes in your posts, a dead give away for someone with my investigative talents. Your time as a moderator is over, your finished on C.F, the rules state that a C.F moderator cannot be a fake white kitten.

Why are so many people deluded?