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Give "Bad" Advice (3)

Discussion in 'Recreation Room' started by Matthew-59, Sep 22, 2014.

  1. Doctor.Sphinx

    Doctor.Sphinx Well-Known Member

    +2,885
    Egypt
    Christian
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    US-Constitution
    Of course. Remember, the accident must nobble to minimise suspicion. Have you considered entering the mark into a chilli eating contest say... one digestive tract processing cycle before his interview?

    I decided to pay the Piper in order to spare the children, but the townsfolk are demanding to lynch me because I could have "just used rat traps". What to do to appease their rabble rousing?
     
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  2. LaSorcia

    LaSorcia KittyKat Staff Member Red Team - Moderator Supporter

    +31,082
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    To keep yourself safe from the rabble rousers, you need to do the safety dance. Lucky for you, May Day is coming up soon.


    How can I convince my kid to take a nap so that I can, too?
     
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  3. jameseb

    jameseb Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!

    +1,815
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Others
    Tell them if they take a nap they can stay up all night and drink lots of Coke.

    How do I get this tightness out of my neck?
     
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  4. klutedavid

    klutedavid Well-Known Member

    +2,279
    Non-Denom
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    To remove the tightness in your neck go for a bungee jump. If that does not work, try tying a rope around your neck, tie the rope to a tree branch. Then stand on a chair while gently rocking back and forth.

    I need some good financial advice, does anyone know a trustworthy financial institution?
     
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  5. jameseb

    jameseb Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!

    +1,815
    United States
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    Personally, I'd put my trust in a slot machine. You can trust it to be sound (mechanically) and handle your money without worry if it's had a bad day or will make stupid investments on your behalf. Put it all in there!

    My wife wants Mexican dinner tonight (which is almost every night!) and I'm burned out on it. What do I do?
     
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  6. klutedavid

    klutedavid Well-Known Member

    +2,279
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Put Carolina Reapers in her next Mexican dinner without her knowing. Carolina Reapers are the hottest chili in the world, I can guarantee she will never eat Mexican again.

    Why is cooking so easy for some but near impossible for others?
     
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  7. DavidFirth

    DavidFirth Saved by the blood of the Lamb Supporter

    +17,529
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I don't know, I don't cook.

    I need a reliable bank.
     
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  8. klutedavid

    klutedavid Well-Known Member

    +2,279
    Non-Denom
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    That's what I am trying to locate a trustworthy financial institution. May I recommend you send your money to me and I will invest it when I find one. I wish you could see the genuine smile on my face as I am typing this.

    Can you trust a bank these days? Everyone send me your money and I will set up an honest bank. I even have a slogan, let me look after you!
     
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  9. Doctor.Sphinx

    Doctor.Sphinx Well-Known Member

    +2,885
    Egypt
    Christian
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    US-Constitution
    Wouldn't a slogan like "Let me look after you look after me" be a more accurate one? If so, you should start a bank for hats. Men like getting rid of their hats, as it makes them appear less uppity.

    I'm learning a safety dance to prevent me from being lynched by rabble-rousers (and I've gotta say, its quite a catchy tune - where have I been the last 3 decades?) Anyhoo, in the process, I've had to lose my dear hat, so need a place to preserve it. Does Klutedavid's bank offer this service?
     
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  10. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +5,485
    United States
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    if he doesn't you can donate it to the school
    they have an upcoming second "hat day" and you don't want kids that don't have hats to feel left out, do you?
     
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  11. Doctor.Sphinx

    Doctor.Sphinx Well-Known Member

    +2,885
    Egypt
    Christian
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    US-Constitution
    I would suggest cancelling the second hat day, so as to ensure kids without hats don't feel left out. Out of interest, upon what part of the body is the second hat supposed to be worn, or is this a school for two-headed children?

    I donated my old hat to science, in order that future generations may benefit from the learnings about the great head it once sat upon. Unfortunately, the dean of the university to which I donated it told me "we don't just take any old rubbish", and threw my hat in the bin. How could I have handled this situation better?
     
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  12. klutedavid

    klutedavid Well-Known Member

    +2,279
    Non-Denom
    Single
    I started a bank recently and I am enormously wealthy now. I have important contacts through the highest levels of society. Give me the name of that university and the name of that dean. I will ensure that his life falls apart, how dare he throw your hat in the bin. This is outrageous DR.SPHINX, let me take care of that fellow for you. Remember, let me look after you which means you look after me, enabling me to look after you even more so.

    How can I maximize the profit that my new bank makes?
     
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  13. Divide

    Divide Well-Known Member

    +751
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Be a peoples bank and write the lowest rate loans in the state, and every old lady over 60 get's her house loan dismissed gratis.

    Do we, learn so that we can do, or do so that we can learn?
     
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  14. LaSorcia

    LaSorcia KittyKat Staff Member Red Team - Moderator Supporter

    +31,082
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Private
    Pffft, we play video games all day.

    When should I sell my house and move into a senior center?
     
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  15. klutedavid

    klutedavid Well-Known Member

    +2,279
    Non-Denom
    Single
    When you start losing all the video games, it's time for the senior center. If you cannot remember the game you were playing, then it's past the time.

    What's the greatest rap song ever?
     
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  16. DavidFirth

    DavidFirth Saved by the blood of the Lamb Supporter

    +17,529
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I don't know, John Bonham died before Led Zeppelin ever had the chance to write it.

    How to write a good rap song?
     
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  17. Quid est Veritas?

    Quid est Veritas? In Memoriam to CS Lewis

    +6,896
    Protestant
    Married
    Plagiarise. No one reads anything anyhow nor pay attention to anything someone is saying.

    Where can I hire good cheap actors to act out my own life in pantomime, so that I no longer need to live it real time?
     
  18. klutedavid

    klutedavid Well-Known Member

    +2,279
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Depends how much your paying, there are oodles of unemployed actors out there. I will write the script of your life if you wish. I will color in all the boring stretches of your life. No doubt it will become a monumental success and those cheap actors will of course win Oscars.

    Anyone read a good book lately?
     
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  19. *LILAC

    *LILAC Keeping it simple. Supporter

    +6,313
    Canada
    Christian
    Married
    What's your definition of a good book? I may or may not have read one. Reading is like, so boring. :yawn:

    My cat keeps jumping onto the table. How should I get her to stay off? Spankings don't work.
     
  20. klutedavid

    klutedavid Well-Known Member

    +2,279
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Get yourself a pit bull terrier and tie it to the table leg, then get a stick and tease the pit bull everyday. I guarantee the cat will never jump on that table again.

    Anyone else have insurmountable problems they need to solve?
     
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