Girlfriend is victim of sexual abuse

[MercyandFaith]

My girlfriend (we're both 32, thinking seriously of marriage) is a victim of sexual abuse from a long time ago.

There are many ramifications and effects that such a victim suffers, of course, but I don't want to turn this into a thread discussing 100 different issues all at once. I did want to ask, though, how Christians should approach this in a context of sex within marriage.

I had asked her if she thought it might affect her future sex life as a married woman, if we were to be wed: She sounds like someone who is averse to sex (for totally understandable reasons.) What are ways to helping such a victim, and also perhaps to help overcome any fears, aversions or negative thoughts about sex when that sex is in a healthy, God-intended context (upcoming marriage)?

How can a boyfriend or husband be most beneficial/helpful to such a woman? (aside from being a supportive, sympathetic listening ear)

 

[Sketcher]

Has she had therapy for this from a professional who specializes in this kind of trauma?

 

[Romans 8]

I have a friend that was married to a woman who had been sexually abused as a child. When her husband initiated sex with her she just lay there like a cold stone as if the abuse was happening at her husband's hand. Sex was extremely infrequent and unenjoyable for both of them. After a few years he divorced her and remarried. They have two kids now and he's very happy. They weren't Christians and so could not ask for help from the Lord. Fortunately, you both are. Many people thing that healing of a physical or spiritual nature are just stories in the bible. But Jesus is healing today. She needs spiritual healing from Jesus. I would suggest you both pray for healing. God can do anything. God Bless!

 

[MercyandFaith]

Has she had therapy for this from a professional who specializes in this kind of trauma?

No, as far as I know of, she hasn't told it to anyone but me.

 

[TassiaNico]

I was also sexually abused as a child and this is an issue that has come up with my fiance.

What helped me the most was hearing the sexual abuse was not my fault. It's very common for people who were abused to blame themselves and feel disgusting and ashamed as a result. We need to hear we're not at fault about a million times before it sinks in. Being reminded again and again that it was the criminal's evil and the criminal's shame, not ours, is very useful to recovery. It was also beneficial to be reminded going through hardship makes us more compassionate to others who struggle. There is never a good side to something like this, but seeing some positive qualities within ourselves feels very good. When I told my fiance about the abuse, he told me I was beautiful and undamaged in his eyes, and that he saw me as a survivor instead of a victim. That meant a lot and allowed me to feel safe enough to tell him more about my ordeals without so much embarrassment.

I believe professional help is a must in this situation, so I would encourage her to seek counselling. Counselling can help her reclaim her right to her own body, so she doesn't go through life on guard for being hurt or used. She can also learn to see herself in the present and not be afraid of what happened in the past. Learning it's okay to experience intimacy and be a sexual person also takes intense therapy. Without it, many survivors either go numb and become promiscuous, or turn off all attachment and are terrified of sex. It can take time to realise sexuality with someone who loves and is bonded with you will be nothing like sex with someone who was careless or abusive. Encourage her to get treatment. You may also want to try couples therapy or premarital counselling that can help you navigate these issues. Good luck to you both!

 

[Aussie Pete]

My girlfriend (we're both 32, thinking seriously of marriage) is a victim of sexual abuse from a long time ago.

There are many ramifications and effects that such a victim suffers, of course, but I don't want to turn this into a thread discussing 100 different issues all at once. I did want to ask, though, how Christians should approach this in a context of sex within marriage.

I had asked her if she thought it might affect her future sex life as a married woman, if we were to be wed: She sounds like someone who is averse to sex (for totally understandable reasons.) What are ways to helping such a victim, and also perhaps to help overcome any fears, aversions or negative thoughts about sex when that sex is in a healthy, God-intended context (upcoming marriage)?

How can a boyfriend or husband be most beneficial/helpful to such a woman? (aside from being a supportive, sympathetic listening ear)

I suggest that you contact Joyce Meyer Ministries. She suffered terrible abuse. I think that getting help from someone with a similar experience, and who has overcome, is more beneficial than any good intentions that others may have.

 

[MercyandFaith]

When I told my fiance about the abuse, he told me I was beautiful and undamaged in his eyes, and that he saw me as a survivor instead of a victim. That meant a lot and allowed me to feel safe enough to tell him more about my ordeals without so much embarrassment.

Interesting. I had been using the word "victim" as a way of showing sympathy and support for my GF, but as you put it, it might actually be more harmful than beneficial.

 

[Dave-W]

My wife was abused twice in my view point. It has had a very profound impact on our sexual relationship.

The first abuse was her mother ( and the "old ladies at church") telling her how evil sex was and how much God hated it. The second was an ongoing molestation from age 8 to 12 from a teen age relative. That 2nd abuse drove home to her the veracity of the first.