Girlfriend has better career - insecurities

[sccs]

Hi folks, I have a wonderful girlfriend who is supportive of my career and shows me that she cares and helps encourage me towards godliness.

My problem is that I am very insecure of my own career because I am just getting started and she is quite far advanced. She is getting promoted left and right and I feel like I am getting left behind in the dust. She has been nothing but supportive of me and tells me that she doesn't like me just because of outward success but because of my faith and pursuit of God.

However, I still feel bad about it and I always feel like I'm competing with her and try to make as much money as her and try to feel like I'm pulling my weight.

We've been talking about marriage and the topic of career and money came up. I come from a traditional family background where my father worked and my mother bounced around different jobs as I was growing up, taking on mostly part time work so she could be home and take care of the family and household matters. I always just assumed that that would be my journey as well but clearly my girlfriend is much more financially successful than I am and that has shaken up a lot of my assumptions.

I fear that I'll be looked at as being a pansy and not "manly" and that she'll see much more successful men in her climb up the corporate ladder and not want me anymore. I fear my parents looking at me like I'm just being led around by her and we only have to do what she wants because of the power-imbalance in the relationship. I fear that she'll drag me around like some kind of trophy. I fear that her career will take priority in decisions whether or not to move or if we get married and have a kid and she won't want to give up her career for our kid. A lot of this is just thinking that is ingrained in my head that I know is shocking in an era of feminism but it's just so hard to think that I'll essentially feel like lesser of a man because she is more successful than me in so many ways.

Please help me think through this and why I feel the way I do. Do I have to go along with everything she says if she has the power in the relationship? I feel so awful and I don't know what to do.

 

[Paidiske]

A lot of this is your own stuff that you need to work through, but I can talk a little bit about what it's like for us, in a marriage where I (the wife) am the breadwinner.

For us, it's the exact opposite of looking at "successful" career men and despising my husband. I'm so very grateful to him, for being strong enough and secure enough in himself to step back from the career world and do more of the parenting/domestic stuff. Far from being alienated from him, I think it's made me respect him much more and brought us closer together.

It is true that my career is a significant factor in big life decisions. But it's not that I "drag him around," every step of the way I seek his input, his opinion, try to make sure there's room for his needs and wants and aspirations in life. He knows he has a veto on anything I propose that he really doesn't want to do. Partly this is about communication, and partly it's about seeing us as a team where neither is more important than the other.

It's true, I didn't want to give up a career for children. The reality is that having children changes everything but you don't have to give up a career if you don't want to. There are lots of options, and you should explore what she wants, and what you want, and what might be possible for you, together in conversation.

I think it's interesting that you seem to fear being without power. If the shoe were on the other foot, and she were afraid of you having the power, what would you say to reassure her? Or would you secretly be glad to have that power over her?

 

[Sketcher]

I fear that I'll be looked at as being a pansy and not "manly" and that she'll see much more successful men in her climb up the corporate ladder and not want me anymore. I fear my parents looking at me like I'm just being led around by her and we only have to do what she wants because of the power-imbalance in the relationship. I fear that she'll drag me around like some kind of trophy. I fear that her career will take priority in decisions whether or not to move or if we get married and have a kid and she won't want to give up her career for our kid. A lot of this is just thinking that is ingrained in my head that I know is shocking in an era of feminism but it's just so hard to think that I'll essentially feel like lesser of a man because she is more successful than me in so many ways.

Some of these fears are mutually exclusive, you do realize that, right?

How long has she been in her career?

What benefits does your job provide that supplement hers?

Do I have to go along with everything she says if she has the power in the relationship?

Both of what you say has value in the relationship, regardless of who brings home more dollars.

How long have you been together?

 

[Blessed Each Day]

You're overthinking this waaaay too much. If you've been in a steady, committed, long-term relationship then ALL of this shouldn't matter. You've got to overcome your own insecurities (which are unfounded and purely mental.) I pray you realize that love trumps all, and this is a very trivial matter in the grand scheme of things.

 

[Albion]

I often I pass up the chance to reply to posts such as this one. That's because they are so personal and painful and it would be easy for any reader to spout insensitive advice, etc. I do have a strong feeling about your situation, though, and that is that possibly the worst thing that you can do is to allow your wife to know that you feel as you do.

Normally, the wife who earns more and is in a better job doesn't feel superior, but she also doesn't want to be resented for doing well and working hard. Anyway, that only makes you seem weak. I would say to guard against letting those feelings out. Be the strong man, confident in your own worth; do not tie it to your income; and do lift her up in her job in every way you can. At least, I hope you will think about this course of action.

 

[PloverWing]

In the end, what matters is how you and your girlfriend/wife view yourselves and your relationship to each other. As far as possible, set aside your parents' views, and cultural thought habits from the past, and focus on yourself and your girlfriend.

It sounds like she supports you and cares for you. She could have chosen someone with more money or a fancier job title or whatever, but she chose you, just as you are. That tells me you don't have to worry about her choosing "more successful men". The qualities she values in a partner are the qualities you already have.

Power imbalance due to money can be a real issue, so it's good to think through it in your own head and talk about it with your girlfriend. Historically, wives often had to cope with husbands having more money; in modern times, either spouse may have the higher income. I think that it's unhealthy in a marriage for the spouse with the higher income to wield greater power in the relationship. Your day-to-day decisions should be mutual, caring ones in which neither spouse is "dragging the other around", and neither spouse has to go along with everything the other says.

Spouses also shouldn't assume that the spouse with the lower income will automatically quit their job to follow the other's career. Instead, talk together about what your choices might be. Whose career is more easily relocated? (If one of you is a physician, and the other researches a kind of fish found only in one particular location, then maybe the physician relocates to follow the fish researcher, since physicians are needed everywhere.) Who is most happy in their current job, and who would be willing to try somewhere new? And, yes, what would the financial hit to the family be if one of you had to leave their job, but this should be a caring, joint decision.

If she has a good career and is happy in it, she may well not want to leave her job when children join the family. Are you okay with that? Does her job offer maternity leave? Does your job offer paternity leave? Is there good child care nearby, or a helpful grandparent you could call on? Many couples work through this decision together.

Yes, your family will likely look different from our parents' and grandparents' families. But there are a lot of successful egalitarian, 2-income families. If you and your wife are content in your own life choices and supportive of each other, you can make it work, regardless of who happens to have the higher income at the moment.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Hi folks, I have a wonderful girlfriend who is supportive of my career and shows me that she cares and helps encourage me towards godliness.

My problem is that I am very insecure of my own career because I am just getting started and she is quite far advanced. She is getting promoted left and right and I feel like I am getting left behind in the dust. She has been nothing but supportive of me and tells me that she doesn't like me just because of outward success but because of my faith and pursuit of God.

Did somebody cheat on you in the past?

However, I still feel bad about it and I always feel like I'm competing with her and try to make as much money as her and try to feel like I'm pulling my weight.

You are pulling your own weight... you working and keeping yourself clothed and fed...and that is a good thing to be doing when you're grown and single.

We've been talking about marriage and the topic of career and money came up. I come from a traditional family background where my father worked and my mother bounced around different jobs as I was growing up, taking on mostly part time work so she could be home and take care of the family and household matters. I always just assumed that that would be my journey as well but clearly my girlfriend is much more financially successful than I am and that has shaken up a lot of my assumptions.

It could happen...companies close, downsizing happens, consumer demands
change etc. I have seen that happen lots over the last couple of years...people who
believed they were in secure positions lost them.
I have been talking to a recent widow here who's been thrust into being CFO of her husband's company...she'd been a housewife and now she's going through training so she can manage the company that's been left to her after her husband's sudden death. Roles in life change, sometimes unexpectedly.

I fear that I'll be looked at as being a pansy and not "manly" and that she'll see much more successful men in her climb up the corporate ladder and not want me anymore.

In the corporate world today...such talk would get the person reprimanded and sent to some type of sensitivity class...that is, if they don't get fired first.


I fear my parents looking at me like I'm just being led around by her and we only have to do what she wants because of the power-imbalance in the relationship. I fear that she'll drag me around like some kind of trophy.

Nobody dragging you around, you doing that to yourself....look at how you be creating all this false stuff and getting yourself all stressed out by letting your
imagination run away with you.

I fear that her career will take priority in decisions whether or not to move or if we get married and have a kid and she won't want to give up her career for our kid.

Well, the only thing that's priority in your post is what we southerners call "stinking thinking"... and it needs to be stopped.
Man of God, put on God's full armor and extinguish the fiery darts from the enemy!


A lot of this is just thinking that is ingrained in my head that I know is shocking in an era of feminism but it's just so hard to think that I'll essentially feel like lesser of a man because she is more successful than me in so many ways.

Danger, Danger! Don't allow those thoughts to reign unchecked! Take those thoughts captive and make them submit to Christ...asap! do it every time that stinking thinking creeps in.
None greater than the Lord....we all be lesser and stand in need of Him and His
righteousness.
It don't matter what your career is, how much money you make... you ain't nothing if you die without Him as your Lord and Savior!

Please help me think through this and why I feel the way I do. Do I have to go along with everything she says if she has the power in the relationship?

She nor you have the power, only God does.
Dating is the time to find out if you two are even compatible for marriage
and if you don't share many of the same core values, don't get married.
You will need to invest time and effort into finding out what your girlfriend
sincerely wants in life...so make sure her words and actions are in unity...watch and pray.

I feel so awful and I don't know what to do.

Here is what you need to do: Luke 10:27
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all
your strength and with all your mind; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself."

 

[ValleyGal]

Hi folks, I have a wonderful girlfriend who is supportive of my career and shows me that she cares and helps encourage me towards godliness.

My problem is that I am very insecure of my own career because I am just getting started and she is quite far advanced. She is getting promoted left and right and I feel like I am getting left behind in the dust. She has been nothing but supportive of me and tells me that she doesn't like me just because of outward success but because of my faith and pursuit of God.

However, I still feel bad about it and I always feel like I'm competing with her and try to make as much money as her and try to feel like I'm pulling my weight.

We've been talking about marriage and the topic of career and money came up. I come from a traditional family background where my father worked and my mother bounced around different jobs as I was growing up, taking on mostly part time work so she could be home and take care of the family and household matters. I always just assumed that that would be my journey as well but clearly my girlfriend is much more financially successful than I am and that has shaken up a lot of my assumptions.

I fear that I'll be looked at as being a pansy and not "manly" and that she'll see much more successful men in her climb up the corporate ladder and not want me anymore. I fear my parents looking at me like I'm just being led around by her and we only have to do what she wants because of the power-imbalance in the relationship. I fear that she'll drag me around like some kind of trophy. I fear that her career will take priority in decisions whether or not to move or if we get married and have a kid and she won't want to give up her career for our kid. A lot of this is just thinking that is ingrained in my head that I know is shocking in an era of feminism but it's just so hard to think that I'll essentially feel like lesser of a man because she is more successful than me in so many ways.

Please help me think through this and why I feel the way I do. Do I have to go along with everything she says if she has the power in the relationship? I feel so awful and I don't know what to do.

You are competitive and she is a team player. You are suspicious in nature and have a hard time believing in her and her support, and she has proven herself supportive and accepting. You lack confidence, and she has confidence. And based solely on this one post, you seem to have a negativity bias while she has a positive way of looking at these things and seems to have the ability to let go of many of the things you fear.

I'm not saying any of this to paint a bleak picture. I'm saying this because it is not the career, the parenting, the perceived power imbalance, the fear, that will become an issue in your relationship so much as it will be these very fundamental operational differences. Imo, if you love her and are willing to love her sacrificially for the rest of your life, then start by sacrificing these things that will eventually cause problems between you. For example, there is nothing wrong with being competitive, but you need to change who your competitor is...your competitor is not your partner. You need to sacrifice the thinking that she is your competitor and give life to the thinking that she is your equal, your partner, and on your side. She has already proved that to you so it's time to believe it.

Imo, it is a good time to take all this to a counsellor - alone. Work on some of these issues that are likely in large part due to your childhood, so while you are in counselling, it might be a good idea to talk to him/her about your attachment style with your parents and how that will affect your relationship with your future wife.

Final thought: Get the book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver. When you read it, pay particular attention to the chapter on shared power. Remember that marriage is a partnership of give and take, mutuality, and deep, intimate friendship.

 

[elliott95]

All in all, a girl friend who loves you and is killing it at her job is a good kind of problem to have.

 

[Thir7ySev3n]

God forgive us for how far we've fallen. For men to become like women in social and emotional stature is a curse from God or a result of disobedience, not a blessing:

"As for My people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O My people! Those who lead you cause you to err, and destroy the way of your paths.” (Isaiah 3:12)

"And the land will tremble and sorrow; For every purpose of the LORD shall be performed against Babylon, to make the land of Babylon a desolation without inhabitant. The mighty men of Babylon have ceased fighting, they have remained in their strongholds; their might has failed, they became like women." (Jeremiah 51:29-30)

It was explicitly distinguished under the New Covenant this did not change, as the primary purpose of the martial relationship was to reflect Christ and the Church, and the Church is in complete submission to Christ:

"But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." (1 Corinthians 11:3)

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." (Ephesians 5:22-24)

It is second in perversion only to not being submitted to Christ for a woman to not be completely submitted to her husband. You will be told "cultural context" (which is disproven by the explicit comparison of headship given in 1 Corinthians 11:3 and the order of creation premise in 1 Timothy 2:12-13) and "but the husband is to love his wife as Christ love the Church!" which is not in dispute and is irrelevant to the wife's command as vice versa.

It is not God's intention for your wife to be out from under your headship, so I would ignore what anyone is going to tell you contrary to the Scripture and take Jesus' example in both tender love and stern command and establish your headship. I also couldn't agree more with who told you not to express these insecurities and expose your weakness, if you do have it. Rather pray for boldness (2 Timothy 1:7) and extinguish your fears and do not lose your might and become as a woman like the cursed Babylonians. For a woman to be like a holy woman is of great worth (1 Peter 3:4-6); for a man to be like a woman or usurped is ignoble and a shame.

That resistance you feel is God-ordained and not to be abandoned on the whims of the godless world. Obey the Scriptures and throw the rest to the dogs outside the city gates.

 

[PloverWing]

With Thir7ySe3en's post in mind, I'll add this statement to my post:

There are (at least) two models of marriage amongst Christians. One is the view that Thir7ySe3en describes, a hierarchical model in which the husband holds headship and the wife submits to his headship. Another is an egalitarian view, which I and several other posters have described, in which neither spouse holds authority over the other. Both are types of marriages practiced by Christians.

If you and your girlfriend choose to marry, I highly recommend that the two of you agree on which kind of marriage you are entering into. If you disagree on this fundamental structure of the marriage, it will probably be a source of conflict for many years to come. Either kind of marriage can work, but there should be agreement on what you are attempting to do as a couple.

 

[Paidiske]

PloverWing is right.

I'd add to that, headship is a separate issue from working. A complementarian model of marriage still might involve a woman as breadwinner, if the husband felt that was best for the family at that time.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

My honest blunt opinion? Stop worrying about what others think. I get there are certain images, especially among christians about men being the working breadwinner and the wife is the stay at home wife/mother. But its not a sin for the positions to be changed.

I am disabled and on SSI, my wife (who came to america a few years ago) is the bread winner. I don't feel awkward about it and neither does she. Granted sometimes when a new couple comes into our life they do ask the obvious questions like to me "So what type of work do you do?" and her "What are your hobbies being home all day?". Some people do still find it odd but I am finding less and less think negative about it. Maybe its because of the world we live in. Though I tend to think its because our economy is rough and often times both spouses work.

I will say though, just because the wife works doesn't mean she has full power or something. Then again neither does the husband. We are equals. We still talk about things including money. She doesn't really spend anything without talking to me and I don't spend anything without talking to her.

I will say I am ok being the "at home dad", especially when we have kids. Often people don't realize whichever spouse is at home, they are technically working too. If not harder in many ways. Except they don't get paid. So if family or friends want to be negative about it, remind them about both people in a marriage work in different ways.

When my wife gets a raise or moves up the ladder I give her praise and encourage her. Just like when I find small jobs repairing PCs she gives me praise. We work well together and don't care much about how others view our "backwards" roles.

I haven't read the response but I'm sure you may here from a few men who tend to twist scripture into making it out like women are weak useless people who should be commanded, but thats not biblical. We can't love like Jesus and yet treat a wife like a slave. Again, this is a complex issue. My wife for example tends to lean wait on me for more "spiritual" leadership. Which I think is the fine.

Only other thing I'd say is be careful not to fall into the trap of actually becoming almost jealous of her making more. Because thats a far more dangerous issue. She has feelings too. She probably knows you may feel weird. I'm sure she has alot of feelings about it too. My wife never makes me feel like I am "less than" or what not. We talk all the time and things work out well.

 

[ToBeLoved]

Hi folks, I have a wonderful girlfriend who is supportive of my career and shows me that she cares and helps encourage me towards godliness.

My problem is that I am very insecure of my own career because I am just getting started and she is quite far advanced. She is getting promoted left and right and I feel like I am getting left behind in the dust. She has been nothing but supportive of me and tells me that she doesn't like me just because of outward success but because of my faith and pursuit of God.

However, I still feel bad about it and I always feel like I'm competing with her and try to make as much money as her and try to feel like I'm pulling my weight.

We've been talking about marriage and the topic of career and money came up. I come from a traditional family background where my father worked and my mother bounced around different jobs as I was growing up, taking on mostly part time work so she could be home and take care of the family and household matters. I always just assumed that that would be my journey as well but clearly my girlfriend is much more financially successful than I am and that has shaken up a lot of my assumptions.

I fear that I'll be looked at as being a pansy and not "manly" and that she'll see much more successful men in her climb up the corporate ladder and not want me anymore. I fear my parents looking at me like I'm just being led around by her and we only have to do what she wants because of the power-imbalance in the relationship. I fear that she'll drag me around like some kind of trophy. I fear that her career will take priority in decisions whether or not to move or if we get married and have a kid and she won't want to give up her career for our kid. A lot of this is just thinking that is ingrained in my head that I know is shocking in an era of feminism but it's just so hard to think that I'll essentially feel like lesser of a man because she is more successful than me in so many ways.

Please help me think through this and why I feel the way I do. Do I have to go along with everything she says if she has the power in the relationship? I feel so awful and I don't know what to do.

There are many, many ways and things in a marriage that support it and make it strong. This if you ever do marry is your and her marriage and you define what roles or support each of you are going to do and be for the relationship.

The second thing, and no judgement here, know that please. But she has told you that she doesn't care about the money, or her career being more advanced. You should trust her since she has spoken more than mere words, but shown you that in deed. You should not be worried about her thinking someone else is more successful and leaving you for it, becase she has told you she doesn't value it.

Now if that is the case, then isn't it that you do not believe her or trust her that what she has shown you as well as told you is not true? If you don't trust her, than you have bigger issues.

 

[DreamerOfTheHeart]

Hi folks, I have a wonderful girlfriend who is supportive of my career and shows me that she cares and helps encourage me towards godliness.

My problem is that I am very insecure of my own career because I am just getting started and she is quite far advanced. She is getting promoted left and right and I feel like I am getting left behind in the dust. She has been nothing but supportive of me and tells me that she doesn't like me just because of outward success but because of my faith and pursuit of God.

However, I still feel bad about it and I always feel like I'm competing with her and try to make as much money as her and try to feel like I'm pulling my weight.

We've been talking about marriage and the topic of career and money came up. I come from a traditional family background where my father worked and my mother bounced around different jobs as I was growing up, taking on mostly part time work so she could be home and take care of the family and household matters. I always just assumed that that would be my journey as well but clearly my girlfriend is much more financially successful than I am and that has shaken up a lot of my assumptions.

I fear that I'll be looked at as being a pansy and not "manly" and that she'll see much more successful men in her climb up the corporate ladder and not want me anymore. I fear my parents looking at me like I'm just being led around by her and we only have to do what she wants because of the power-imbalance in the relationship. I fear that she'll drag me around like some kind of trophy. I fear that her career will take priority in decisions whether or not to move or if we get married and have a kid and she won't want to give up her career for our kid. A lot of this is just thinking that is ingrained in my head that I know is shocking in an era of feminism but it's just so hard to think that I'll essentially feel like lesser of a man because she is more successful than me in so many ways.

Please help me think through this and why I feel the way I do. Do I have to go along with everything she says if she has the power in the relationship? I feel so awful and I don't know what to do.

My wife works all the time and so do I.

I do bring home the bigger paycheck, but I would love for her to do this, so I could just lay about and play video games and on the secret side... post at various forums and help folks, here and there.

Manly, unmanly... I am not sure where you are getting your definitions on these things.

Whatever the case, you should just throw all of that away, and not allow your self to be living by material, surface judgments. My advice to you.

Otherwise, we all have someone else above us, and someone below us, as the Centurion said to Jesus way back when.

(And... if we do not, well. Might as well let people believe we do. )