Getting over a guy God has definitely said no to...

[Piper Kay]

TL;DR: How do I get over missing a guy God has definitely said no to? Logically I know why God has said no, and don't want to date Him, but when I see him interacting with other girls, I miss his attention...

So, last year, I met a guy at college. He was cute, funny, and most importantly, said he was Christian. We would hang out a lot one-on-one and text every day. A lot happened, but basically it turned out he only wanted friends with benefits...and was messaging other girls at the same time, possibly even had a long-distance girlfriend...

I know God didn't intend this, this was not the start of a Christian relationship that God would approve of... (He was pretty straightforward, eventually, about wanting to be friends with benefits...I know it's not my place to judge his relationship with God--that's 100% between him and the Lord...but I know that any kind of relationship with him is not what God intends.)

After I confirmed 100% I did NOT want to be friends with benefits, send him selfies, etc., he stopped texting me every day and hanging out. This is fine, because I know the door is closed, but thing is...we still run in the same academic circles. We work at the same place and have classes together. We are friendly and sometimes text about work/school stuff--fine. Or so I thought...

When we're apart, I know why God closed the door. I know that I was never his priority and, even if he did care about me, it wasn't in a way that would lead to a godly relationship.

WhenI see him talking and flirting with other girls, though, I get jealous. He is easy to talk to and everyone thinks he's very nice, and he's confident with women, but it makes me just wonder...why wasn't I good enough? I know in my head that, like, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me, but...I don't know.

Sorry for the rambling. Any advice on how to deal with this?

 

[~Zao~]

Any advice on how to deal with this?

Thank God that He gave a way of escape. Be sure to be sure your equally yoked as to expectations. That’s impossible tho w/o knowing the person well enough for that conversation to come up. Abstinence until love with a well developed sense of discernment is always good advise too.

 

[AlexDTX]

about wanting to be friends with benefits

The man is not walking with Christ. You are fortunate the Lord stopped you. I've been married almost 30 years.

I was a shallow man in my consideration of candidates for a spouse. Was she pretty? Could she work with me as a business partner? All wrong reasons for marriage.

At Bible school I was single and the Lord dropped a realization into my spirit. Adam did not name the animals. He was being tested to see if could recognize an appropriate mate for him. When he looked at the animal he saw past the body and saw their spirits and spoke the same word God had used to create each animal. He passed the test. When Eve was formed from his side, he said bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. In other words he saw her spirit and saw it was his own.

Six months later I met my wife and saw that she was bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. The Lord spoke to me and said, This is it. I said to him in my mind, But I don't know her or love her. He responded, You will grow to love her just as Isaac grew to love Rebecca. And I did.

Piper, don't settle. Wait. The Lord has Mr Right for you. Perhaps, like me, you are not ready. Dating is not that answer. When you meet him, the Lord will let you know.

Post Script
Regarding crossing his path at school. Be professional. People have conflict with co-workers that they must work with on a daily basis. Professionals put such thoughts out of their minds so they can do the job at hand. When you meet him, be polite and civil, but move on to class and focus on your work.

 

[bèlla]

I was in a similar situation with someone I’ve known for many years. I knew his desire and where he stood. There’s nothing I can’t tell him and there are moments when I miss his presence. But he’s an unbeliever and if I permit him to be my shoulder it will be difficult for another to fill that role.

Prayer and distance were necessary as was a heart to heart with myself. I posed some difficult questions. And I shared my concerns with God. I won’t compromise my calling or His expectations to sate my heart. That is not an option.

However, I don’t begrudge his companion. His happiness is very important and I want him to have all he needs and more. I continue to pray for him and trust the Lord will draw him near.

For me, relationships aren’t wholly about my wants and needs. Serving him and providing his wants and needs are equally important. If you’d take the focus off yourself and bring the matter to God you would find the peace and joy you lack.

Pray for his spiritual condition. Ask the Lord to stir his heart and reignite his faith. You have many things to lift up on his behalf. You’re assuming the no is primarily due to his behavior. But its probable neither are ready to give of themselves in the manner the Lord expects.

Look for the man who drives you to your knees and draws you closer to God. He’s probably the right one or at the very least a better option.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

TL;DR: How do I get over missing a guy God has definitely said no to? Logically I know why God has said no, and don't want to date Him, but when I see him interacting with other girls, I miss his attention...

So, last year, I met a guy at college. He was cute, funny, and most importantly, said he was Christian. We would hang out a lot one-on-one and text every day. A lot happened, but basically it turned out he only wanted friends with benefits...and was messaging other girls at the same time, possibly even had a long-distance girlfriend...

I know God didn't intend this, this was not the start of a Christian relationship that God would approve of... (He was pretty straightforward, eventually, about wanting to be friends with benefits...I know it's not my place to judge his relationship with God--that's 100% between him and the Lord...but I know that any kind of relationship with him is not what God intends.)

After I confirmed 100% I did NOT want to be friends with benefits, send him selfies, etc., he stopped texting me every day and hanging out. This is fine, because I know the door is closed, but thing is...we still run in the same academic circles. We work at the same place and have classes together. We are friendly and sometimes text about work/school stuff--fine. Or so I thought...

When we're apart, I know why God closed the door. I know that I was never his priority and, even if he did care about me, it wasn't in a way that would lead to a godly relationship.

WhenI see him talking and flirting with other girls, though, I get jealous. He is easy to talk to and everyone thinks he's very nice, and he's confident with women, but it makes me just wonder...why wasn't I good enough? I know in my head that, like, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me, but...I don't know.

Sorry for the rambling. Any advice on how to deal with this?

The fact that you have taken a stand for God in this situation, shows what type of person you are. A good one. And a good catch for any Christian bloke, who has a good heart.

The bible tells us that "by their fruits you will know them" ... a guy who calls himself a Christian, yet is living in some form of sin, is blind to the truth. Lots of guys grow up in church, still wear the Christian label, but don't yet know God personally.

Relationships, specifically marriage (for the future) are very hard, and as the bible says you don't want to be "unequally yoked" to the wrong guy.

 

[Sketcher]

TL;DR: How do I get over missing a guy God has definitely said no to? Logically I know why God has said no, and don't want to date Him, but when I see him interacting with other girls, I miss his attention...

So, last year, I met a guy at college. He was cute, funny, and most importantly, said he was Christian. We would hang out a lot one-on-one and text every day. A lot happened, but basically it turned out he only wanted friends with benefits...and was messaging other girls at the same time, possibly even had a long-distance girlfriend...

I know God didn't intend this, this was not the start of a Christian relationship that God would approve of... (He was pretty straightforward, eventually, about wanting to be friends with benefits...I know it's not my place to judge his relationship with God--that's 100% between him and the Lord...but I know that any kind of relationship with him is not what God intends.)

After I confirmed 100% I did NOT want to be friends with benefits, send him selfies, etc., he stopped texting me every day and hanging out. This is fine, because I know the door is closed, but thing is...we still run in the same academic circles. We work at the same place and have classes together. We are friendly and sometimes text about work/school stuff--fine. Or so I thought...

When we're apart, I know why God closed the door. I know that I was never his priority and, even if he did care about me, it wasn't in a way that would lead to a godly relationship.

WhenI see him talking and flirting with other girls, though, I get jealous. He is easy to talk to and everyone thinks he's very nice, and he's confident with women, but it makes me just wonder...why wasn't I good enough? I know in my head that, like, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me, but...I don't know.

Sorry for the rambling. Any advice on how to deal with this?

Have you ever been cheated on, or felt as though you had been cheated on?

Anyone who cheats with you will cheat on you and put you back in that place of heartbreak. When I look at a woman who flirts with other guys when she has a boyfriend, I see a trap. And contemptible character. This isn't someone to be "good enough" for, this is someone who is not good enough to be my wife.

This is a belief that can be grown, even if you don't have it now.

I also recommend as much distance as possible from him.

 

[coffee4u]

Hon, it has nothing to do with you being 'good enough'. The guy is a user and you are far too good for him. I would advise you to break all communication with him and try to keep your distance as much as possible, both physically and mentally. Share a class? Take the furthermost seat you can. See him coming to talk to you? Move away as fast as you can. Disappearing into the ladies bathroom usually works. Block him on all your social media. I don't like to judge, but just because he said he is a Christian doesn't make him one. His behaviour is saying otherwise. He would not be the first man to say something simply to get into a girl's pants. Sorry, crass but it happens. If you can't avoid interacting with him do so, be polite but distant.

Make sure any man you go out with shows you respect but also watch out for a person who takes without giving. Narcissist appear to be charming and sweet, but are only this way to get what they want. He may not be a narcissist but I would say right now you may be vulnerable to one. Do you have some girlfriends or family you can confide in?

Know that you did the right thing, but now you need to break away.

 

[All4Christ]

Back awhile ago before I met my husband, I was in a very bad place with a guy I dated. It was a very difficult situation where I got in way over my head. I eventually realized it wasn’t what God wanted for me - and that I was worth more than how he treated me.

Despite this, when I saw him with other girls - especially the one who he dated while we were dating - it hurt. Sometimes I was even jealous.

It’s tough. It’s a challenge. Know, however, that God is with you and that He loves you beyond what any man can...even the best man’s love pales in comparison.

Keep your standards. It’s good you got out before you got in too far. Thank God for that, pray for His comfort and strength, and follow what many others said.

Keep strong!

 

[TraceMalin]

So, basically, you don't want him. But, you don't want anyone else to have him. That's common. You know the Bible is full of stories of bold heroes. We men really like confident, accessible women with high standards. Try something bold. Get a t-shirt made that says, "GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL: Christian Men Only" on the front.

On back:
1. Do you believe in Jesus?
2. Can you kiss me goodnight at the door?
3. Would you be strong when I am weak?
4. Would you go to church with me?
5. Do you surf? (or insert activity of interest)

If you can answer YES to all of the above, tap me on the shoulder.

Wear it around school and the gym. It would be the modern day version of waiting by the well. Sounds silly, but using t-shirts got me scuba students.

 

[Hannah66]

I think God loves you so much to close this door. This man clearly isn't walking with Christ. He would carry this type of behaviour into marriage with fornication and adultery. I know it hurts. A Godly man would not participate in these behaviours. Pray and ask God to remove all feelings you have for him. Pray for him but let him go.

You have the best man to follow in Life...He's name is Jesus!

 

[TraceMalin]

Seriously, though, a non-Christian who respects your faith can be a good dating partner. My friend Laura became a Christian while dating a Christian. They got married and she became more devout in her faith than he. He backslid into inappropriate content and adultery destroying their marriage. This guy didn't care about you enough to see you for who you are and to try to date you while respecting you as a sexually moral woman. You deserve better.

 

[usexpat97]

One of the hardest times in my life was when I had to break off an engagement with a girl who was borderline Christian (if she was definitely not Christian, we would never have made it that far). It was the lack of clarity that made our relationship drag on and on. In the end, it was precisely that lack of clarity that did it in. You just can't move forward with a marriage without clarity.

All that to say, it could have been a lot worse. It took me a long time to get over that girl. I will always care about her. I withdrew from friends, went into quite a bad depression. And her life trajectory after that was probably worse than mine. So...if you know for sure you need to get out, get out sooner than later. It doesn't get any better the longer you go, or the deeper into it you get. A broken engagement is bad, but divorce is worse. Divorce with kids is even worse still.

 

[~Zao~]

I was in a similar situation with someone I’ve known for many years. I knew his desire and where he stood. There’s nothing I can’t tell him and there are moments when I miss his presence. But he’s an unbeliever and if I permit him to be my shoulder it will be difficult for another to fill that role.

Prayer and distance were necessary as was a heart to heart with myself. I posed some difficult questions. And I shared my concerns with God. I won’t compromise my calling or His expectations to sate my heart. That is not an option.

However, I don’t begrudge his companion. His happiness is very important and I want him to have all he needs and more. I continue to pray for him and trust the Lord will draw him near.

For me, relationships aren’t wholly about my wants and needs. Serving him and providing his wants and needs are equally important. If you’d take the focus off yourself and bring the matter to God you would find the peace and joy you lack.

Pray for his spiritual condition. Ask the Lord to stir his heart and reignite his faith. You have many things to lift up on his behalf. You’re assuming the no is primarily due to his behavior. But its probable neither are ready to give of themselves in the manner the Lord expects.

Look for the man who drives you to your knees and draws you closer to God. He’s probably the right one or at the very least a better option.

Look for the man who drives you to your knees and draws you closer to God. He’s probably the right one or at the very least a better option.

Could you expand on this bit of advise please. It sounds like the reason why everyone posts against their S.O

 

[bèlla]

Could you expand on this bit of advise please. It sounds like the reason why everyone posts against their S.O

When you’re in an emotional quandary its important to seek the Lord immediately. You must surrender the hurt, rejection, anger and all confusion to Him. You cannot pay heed to your emotions and use them as a benchmark for decisions.

The heart is deceitful. We see evidence of that in the OP. Jealousy is not the appropriate response in light of her experiences. She’s aware of this. It must be brought under subjection. Or she’ll remain in confusion and despair.

Prayer is an offensive and defensive strategy. In this situation, it would move her thoughts away from the hurt and place them on holy ground. As she prays for the other her heart is healed and peace resumes. Prayer is a healing balm. The more you pray the softer you become.

If she simply ignores him she’s left with the emotional fallout. Seeking the Lord’s best on his behalf is an act of grace and forgiveness. It will prevent her heart from hardening.

 

[~Zao~]

When you’re in an emotional quandary its important to seek the Lord immediately. You must surrender the hurt, rejection, anger and all confusion to Him. You cannot pay heed to your emotions and use them as a benchmark for decisions.

The heart is deceitful. We see evidence of that in the OP. Jealousy is not the appropriate response in light of her experiences. She’s aware of this. It must be brought under subjection. Or she’ll remain in confusion and despair.

Prayer is an offensive and defensive strategy. In this situation, it would move her thoughts away from the hurt and place them on holy ground. As she prays for the other her heart is healed and peace resumes. Prayer is a healing balm. The more you pray the softer you become.

If she simply ignores him she’s left with the emotional fallout. Seeking the Lord’s best on his behalf is an act of grace and forgiveness. It will prevent her heart from hardening.

It seems that her choice of men who brought her to her knees and closer to God is the one who she is posting about and our advise is consistently your better off with God.

Look for the man who drives you to your knees and draws you closer to God. He’s probably the right one or at the very least a better option.

 

[bèlla]

It seems that her choice of men who brought her to her knees and closer to God is the one who she is posting about and our advise is consistently your better off with God.

Now I understand. Thanks for clarifying. ;-)

When I refer to a companion who draws you nearer to God, I’m speaking of the person whose character and walk emulate godliness and compel a similar response within us.

They are a good influence and their presence affects our consciousness and has a positive impact on our relationship with the Lord.

He’s the man who inspires you to share a message or positive word or a scripture that touched your heart. And he does the same. When you share your challenges he offers to pray and lends his support and encouragement when you’re in need.

The Christ in him compels the Christ in you. Your spirits testify to the other and you’re mutually bettered through the connection. That’s the person you want to invest in.

 

[~Zao~]

Now I understand. Thanks for clarifying. ;-)

When I refer to a companion who draws you nearer to God, I’m speaking of the person whose character and walk emulate godliness and compel a similar response within us.

They are a good influence and their presence affects our consciousness and has a positive impact on our relationship with the Lord.

He’s the man who inspires you to share a message or positive word or a scripture that touched your heart. And he does the same. When you share your challenges he offers to pray and lends his support and encouragement when you’re in need.

The Christ in him compels the Christ in you. Your spirits testify to the other and you’re mutually bettered through the connection. That’s the person you want to invest in.

Ahhh yes! everyone's IDA! When you feel like Adam and Eve alone in the world together! Inspire, desire and admire! I agree!