Hi everyone! This is my first post and I'm new here so hoping I am posting in the right place.
Sorry if it gets a bit lengthy, but I really need to share a bit of my life story on how I got here, and my story on how getting my diagnosis brought the Lord into my life and now I'm a follower of Jesus. Also looking for encouragement as this is a big change for me and It's not been easy to navigate such a big change.
This is all so new to me as only 6 months ago, I was very brainwashed in the new age community. My idea on religion then was nothing to what it is now. For example, I always thought there was a god, but did not fully believe in Jesus, I thought he was just an advanced human and that he was kinda like budda. I believed in reincarnation, and that we all had a 'higher self'. And that Angels where spirit guides helping us. I also thought the bible had been messed with somehow and all religion was just a form of control imposed to manipulate the masses, I also thought religious people where blind for not opening there eyes to all faiths and seeing it all as the same thing.
Well how does this correlate with getting my Autism diagnosis you ask?
As a child I was brought up in a church of England school, I fell out with God and any believe when I would pray for my pain and sadness to end and it didn't. As a child I was lost, suffering, neglected and broken. My parents struggled with there own problems and having a child on the spectrum wasn't easy for them, or me. They divorced when I was 9 and for years after they both had abusive relationships, and that wasn't easy to watch and go though. I was never given any special help along my way, I had years of struggle I just shut down to my family and now theirs almost no connection between us. Coming into puberty was a hard time, I was being bullied in school, I was left feeling out of place and unable to make decent friends. I changed the way I looked and acted to try and work out who it was I was or wanted to be. But Kids in my school almost had a sense I was different and it was easy for them to put me down. The lack of care from family and friends and my inability to ask any one for help meant I just suffered for lots years in silence. Masking everything. This lead me to starting close relationships at quite a young age, way to early to understand what fornication really means. I had my heart broken repeatedly as I had close relationships with people who where not right for me. I was far to young and immature to deal with those adult emotions. But I though sharing my body was the only real way to get someone to care about me. I was very insecure and lacking in confidence in those days.
At the age of 22 I felt like a failure, I had not been able to maintain any relationships, any job role, my college work or do things like other adults my age. I had already lived years in deep depression and when medical interventions didn't help me as I had hoped I felt at a loss. Like there was never going to be a way out. I had woken up to the fact I was suffering with social anxiety all my whole life and this made situations very hard for me, so the answer to this realisation was to just start to avoid all stressful situations. I had a partner who meant well but couldn't cope with my overloads and meltdowns. Of course we had no idea what they where at the time, just feels like heavy emotions. I thought I was mad to have been feeling this way my whole life, that I must have been really crazy. I was very hard on myself for not being like other people. Holding myself to fake expectations of myself. And being awfully mean to myself when I wasn't able to do things as well as I had planed. So avoidance felt like the perfect answer for a long time, about 2/3 years I spent almost never leaving the house, not working, not getting my own shopping, not being able to use the phone, not seeing my family, having no friends but my partner at the time, not on social media so no one could even contact me. The difficult thing was, during this time I acutely thought I was getting better, I was having less of an overwhelming time because I felt safe at home. Less anxiety and stress, and I wasn't depressed as I was proud of myself for trying to help myself. By help myself I mean, I was trying to gain therapy and recognition of all my problems and that wasn't easy. I wanted to work on myself and learn how I could get better and not have to live a life in misery. This need for getting better and improving my situation drove me to look in some strange places of answers. Because I was doing so little with my time, the only way I kept myself sane was to research and learn new things. I delved into trying to learn things like; alternative religions, conspiracy theory, meditation, alien theory, alternative health and nutrition, spirituality in different forms. I had tried things like Reki, Crystal Healing, spirit guide readings, tarot cards, numerology, yoga, astral projection and trying to connect and speaking with spirit guides and a higher self.
During this time, I also suffered with health anxiety convincing myself I had bipolar, personality disorders, cancer and a load of other things I don't really have.
So two years of getting deep in this new age stuff, I started to wonder why it was I wasn't speaking to people. Even my partners family I would visit sometimes, but no words would leave my mouth and I was just sat there. My lack of a family when I was young meant I really didn't know how to connect with a family even now. I never learnt them skills. Now I know this to be social mutism, something I have had my whole life but got 1000% worse while I was going though this weird time. It upset me I could not build a relationships as I wanted.
One day, my father passed an old cassette tape he had found back to my mum. This tape was a spiritual reading for my mum she had done when I was about 2 years of age. The strange thing was, even though my mother didn't fully believe it, when I listened to it 20 years later I KNEW there was something there. The tape mentions to my mum that she would have a 'handicapped' child. Not the greatest use of words, but she was an old lady in the 90s. My mother in the tape thinks the message is about my brother because he had some behaviour problems. I knew that this was my mother trying to understand a message not meant for her. It was meant for me. The lady goes on to explain a bit about my personality as a child and that confirmed that this women was talking about me. I had been looking for years to try and understand why it was I had felt so strange and not like the other people around me, and why I struggled with some things. And here it was, the answer in a way.
Before this point I had disbelieved that I had Autism, because I didn't look like it, or because I had made friends in the past and spoke to them, or because I was smart. I didn't know what Autism was and couldn't recognise it was a communication problem I was having until after I had heard that tape. By this point I believed so much in 'spirit' there is no denying in my mind now, of any of this stuff, it felt so real and interesting and personal. But I didn't know what kind of 'spirits' I was dealing with. For a few months I was struggling coming to terms understanding Autism and if or not I had really had it. My health anxiety stopped me from fully believing it was me because I had convinced myself of so much in the past. I didn't know if this was just another one of them moments. In December I had an assessment that confirmed I that I do have pathological demand avoidance, a profile on the autism spectrum. Round about the same time, I started to watch Vikings, there was one moment in particular that started to stir my soul. It was the lords prayer being said in full. I'm not sure why it moved me, but it did. After then I was complied to repeat the prayer over the next couple weeks, which was strange as for the life of me I really really struggled to remember the 'deliver us for evil' part and had brain fog and twisted words when I spoke it. But eventfully that block was removed. Each time I asked the Lord to come close, each time I said this in my mind and in words, it's like my eyes opened to the truth.
I had this knowing that the path I was on, was the reason I didn't have any strength. It was the reason I hadn't been able to get better in a more manageable way, it was the reason I was living in sin and couldn't stop bad habits I wanted to change for so long. I fell so far from the Lord I was lost and alone, I had worshipped the wrong powers at be and given away any self will. I had a sense that God saw me as perfect in every way, despite my problems. I knew If I wanted real healing to take place and for me to get better in a way I never had before, then the only way was Jesus. He was going to be the one to help me out of this mess. He has given me strength to see how far I have come on my journey and to be happy that now I can see the real way out of a life that wasn't serving me or anyone. I had to give my life to Christ so I knew I had to break off my relationship so I could move away from sin. Now I have done that I am amazed by how much strength I have and how little sadness I feel for my situation, because I know I have been saved by gods grace. He choose to pick me up from the pits of hell, cause I'm sure that's where I would have been going. He gave me a second chance at life and since then, I've not been the same. In my mind, in my soul or in my heart. These no sadness I found out technically I am considerably disabled and could be for the rest of my life. I'm not in pain at my situation, instead I want to live for the lord and give up what ever he ask me to. Including the love of my life because that love wasn't able to put Jesus first. Now he is the only one I talk to, he is the one I wake up thinking about and go to bed thinking about. I've already made changes in my life I knew I couldn't have done without him. And I've not even been to church yet, I can't wait to keep working with the Lord so I can be baptised and born again.
There's a lot more I could say but I think that was long enough, thanks for reading my story if you got this far! Praise him.
Sorry if it gets a bit lengthy, but I really need to share a bit of my life story on how I got here, and my story on how getting my diagnosis brought the Lord into my life and now I'm a follower of Jesus. Also looking for encouragement as this is a big change for me and It's not been easy to navigate such a big change.
This is all so new to me as only 6 months ago, I was very brainwashed in the new age community. My idea on religion then was nothing to what it is now. For example, I always thought there was a god, but did not fully believe in Jesus, I thought he was just an advanced human and that he was kinda like budda. I believed in reincarnation, and that we all had a 'higher self'. And that Angels where spirit guides helping us. I also thought the bible had been messed with somehow and all religion was just a form of control imposed to manipulate the masses, I also thought religious people where blind for not opening there eyes to all faiths and seeing it all as the same thing.
Well how does this correlate with getting my Autism diagnosis you ask?
As a child I was brought up in a church of England school, I fell out with God and any believe when I would pray for my pain and sadness to end and it didn't. As a child I was lost, suffering, neglected and broken. My parents struggled with there own problems and having a child on the spectrum wasn't easy for them, or me. They divorced when I was 9 and for years after they both had abusive relationships, and that wasn't easy to watch and go though. I was never given any special help along my way, I had years of struggle I just shut down to my family and now theirs almost no connection between us. Coming into puberty was a hard time, I was being bullied in school, I was left feeling out of place and unable to make decent friends. I changed the way I looked and acted to try and work out who it was I was or wanted to be. But Kids in my school almost had a sense I was different and it was easy for them to put me down. The lack of care from family and friends and my inability to ask any one for help meant I just suffered for lots years in silence. Masking everything. This lead me to starting close relationships at quite a young age, way to early to understand what fornication really means. I had my heart broken repeatedly as I had close relationships with people who where not right for me. I was far to young and immature to deal with those adult emotions. But I though sharing my body was the only real way to get someone to care about me. I was very insecure and lacking in confidence in those days.
At the age of 22 I felt like a failure, I had not been able to maintain any relationships, any job role, my college work or do things like other adults my age. I had already lived years in deep depression and when medical interventions didn't help me as I had hoped I felt at a loss. Like there was never going to be a way out. I had woken up to the fact I was suffering with social anxiety all my whole life and this made situations very hard for me, so the answer to this realisation was to just start to avoid all stressful situations. I had a partner who meant well but couldn't cope with my overloads and meltdowns. Of course we had no idea what they where at the time, just feels like heavy emotions. I thought I was mad to have been feeling this way my whole life, that I must have been really crazy. I was very hard on myself for not being like other people. Holding myself to fake expectations of myself. And being awfully mean to myself when I wasn't able to do things as well as I had planed. So avoidance felt like the perfect answer for a long time, about 2/3 years I spent almost never leaving the house, not working, not getting my own shopping, not being able to use the phone, not seeing my family, having no friends but my partner at the time, not on social media so no one could even contact me. The difficult thing was, during this time I acutely thought I was getting better, I was having less of an overwhelming time because I felt safe at home. Less anxiety and stress, and I wasn't depressed as I was proud of myself for trying to help myself. By help myself I mean, I was trying to gain therapy and recognition of all my problems and that wasn't easy. I wanted to work on myself and learn how I could get better and not have to live a life in misery. This need for getting better and improving my situation drove me to look in some strange places of answers. Because I was doing so little with my time, the only way I kept myself sane was to research and learn new things. I delved into trying to learn things like; alternative religions, conspiracy theory, meditation, alien theory, alternative health and nutrition, spirituality in different forms. I had tried things like Reki, Crystal Healing, spirit guide readings, tarot cards, numerology, yoga, astral projection and trying to connect and speaking with spirit guides and a higher self.
During this time, I also suffered with health anxiety convincing myself I had bipolar, personality disorders, cancer and a load of other things I don't really have.
So two years of getting deep in this new age stuff, I started to wonder why it was I wasn't speaking to people. Even my partners family I would visit sometimes, but no words would leave my mouth and I was just sat there. My lack of a family when I was young meant I really didn't know how to connect with a family even now. I never learnt them skills. Now I know this to be social mutism, something I have had my whole life but got 1000% worse while I was going though this weird time. It upset me I could not build a relationships as I wanted.
One day, my father passed an old cassette tape he had found back to my mum. This tape was a spiritual reading for my mum she had done when I was about 2 years of age. The strange thing was, even though my mother didn't fully believe it, when I listened to it 20 years later I KNEW there was something there. The tape mentions to my mum that she would have a 'handicapped' child. Not the greatest use of words, but she was an old lady in the 90s. My mother in the tape thinks the message is about my brother because he had some behaviour problems. I knew that this was my mother trying to understand a message not meant for her. It was meant for me. The lady goes on to explain a bit about my personality as a child and that confirmed that this women was talking about me. I had been looking for years to try and understand why it was I had felt so strange and not like the other people around me, and why I struggled with some things. And here it was, the answer in a way.
Before this point I had disbelieved that I had Autism, because I didn't look like it, or because I had made friends in the past and spoke to them, or because I was smart. I didn't know what Autism was and couldn't recognise it was a communication problem I was having until after I had heard that tape. By this point I believed so much in 'spirit' there is no denying in my mind now, of any of this stuff, it felt so real and interesting and personal. But I didn't know what kind of 'spirits' I was dealing with. For a few months I was struggling coming to terms understanding Autism and if or not I had really had it. My health anxiety stopped me from fully believing it was me because I had convinced myself of so much in the past. I didn't know if this was just another one of them moments. In December I had an assessment that confirmed I that I do have pathological demand avoidance, a profile on the autism spectrum. Round about the same time, I started to watch Vikings, there was one moment in particular that started to stir my soul. It was the lords prayer being said in full. I'm not sure why it moved me, but it did. After then I was complied to repeat the prayer over the next couple weeks, which was strange as for the life of me I really really struggled to remember the 'deliver us for evil' part and had brain fog and twisted words when I spoke it. But eventfully that block was removed. Each time I asked the Lord to come close, each time I said this in my mind and in words, it's like my eyes opened to the truth.
I had this knowing that the path I was on, was the reason I didn't have any strength. It was the reason I hadn't been able to get better in a more manageable way, it was the reason I was living in sin and couldn't stop bad habits I wanted to change for so long. I fell so far from the Lord I was lost and alone, I had worshipped the wrong powers at be and given away any self will. I had a sense that God saw me as perfect in every way, despite my problems. I knew If I wanted real healing to take place and for me to get better in a way I never had before, then the only way was Jesus. He was going to be the one to help me out of this mess. He has given me strength to see how far I have come on my journey and to be happy that now I can see the real way out of a life that wasn't serving me or anyone. I had to give my life to Christ so I knew I had to break off my relationship so I could move away from sin. Now I have done that I am amazed by how much strength I have and how little sadness I feel for my situation, because I know I have been saved by gods grace. He choose to pick me up from the pits of hell, cause I'm sure that's where I would have been going. He gave me a second chance at life and since then, I've not been the same. In my mind, in my soul or in my heart. These no sadness I found out technically I am considerably disabled and could be for the rest of my life. I'm not in pain at my situation, instead I want to live for the lord and give up what ever he ask me to. Including the love of my life because that love wasn't able to put Jesus first. Now he is the only one I talk to, he is the one I wake up thinking about and go to bed thinking about. I've already made changes in my life I knew I couldn't have done without him. And I've not even been to church yet, I can't wait to keep working with the Lord so I can be baptised and born again.
There's a lot more I could say but I think that was long enough, thanks for reading my story if you got this far! Praise him.
