Getting ex to move on

lisam123

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My husband and I are now separated. We have been married almost 31 years but they have mostly been very unhappy. He is very emotionally and verbally abusive and I for the sake of my marriage vows tried to make things right. I finally came to terms that it was never going to get better. He was committing a sin in the way her was treating me and by my staying I was allowing and even condoning that sin. But of course he has a hard time making any decision and it took years, literally, for him to finally move out. I am not sure what prompted him but he suddenly gave in to my demands for the divorce (which were only what a judge would have given me, I am a paralegal so I know what I am talking about) and gave me the house. He found a cute apartment which suits him. But of course the first day he was saying he made a mistake and wanted to come back. I said no he already put the deposit down, bought furniture. I said let's revisit this in 2 months. I only said that to shut him up. I am not letting him back in in 2 months.

I guess what I need advice on is how do I get him to stop calling and texting and acting like this is just a temporary thing? He calls about how to connect his computer, how to get the wifi to work, etc. I am good at that and he is not. I know him and it will be easier to let him gradually get used to this but it has been about 3 weeks now. I don't want to be rude because I want to avoid a fight over the property settlement agreement.

Am I wrong to be nice and polite or should I just say hey we need to move on. You are a big boy and you can handle things without me. I am happier than I have ever been.
 

jaybee123

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If you know in your heart that you will never get back with him, then you should let him know that. I think it is unfair for you to lead him on with the "let's revisit this in 2 months." However, I do not think you need to cut him off completely. You spent a HUGE amount of time with this person. Regardless of it was good or bad, you should not let this major part of your life fizzle away forever. I think you should keep a friendly relationship, but make sure that he knows there is no chance for anything romantic. Instead you want to be civil, and let him know that you will always have love for him. This can be achieved through a simple conversation or letter.

Side note: So what if he needs to call you with how to do things - embrace it! Maybe he finally realizes how great of a woman you were to him! You took care him so well, that he's low-key hurting without you! I would take it as a compliment.
 
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Radrook

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Move far far away. That should send a conclusive signal that it is definitely over.
Where there has been flames sparks always threaten to rekindle. Being near will only make that very likely. Or if indeed he has changed his ways, maybe he deserves another chance. You are the one that best qualified to determine this.
 
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teresa

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change your phone number and have him make any contact with you through your attorney.
get help for yourself with a domestic violence support group.
emotional abuse is the very worst kind.
sounds like he is a master game player and knows how to work you.
get out.
if he won't take no for an answer get a TRO, and call the DV shelter for advice and support.
change your number now, as well as all your locks on the house.
anyone who keeps calling you for "help" is working you over and you are being manipulated.
 
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lisam123

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Thanks for the advice. Maybe I made it sound worse than it is. First I can't move. If that was an option I would have done it long ago. I have family obligations here and I love my church and where I live. He is about 20 minutes away so not right next door.

I told him in a text he needs to start handling his stuff. I said if he doesn't stop with the texts I would block him. That is what I've had to do before.

He does realize what all I did for him. Even text me this weekend about mopping the wood floors in his apartment. It's that kind of stuff. He's not being manipulative or anything.

The ONLY reason I said let's revisit the situation in 2 months was to let him down gradually. I want to keep peace until the divorce is filed and finalized. At least he agreed not to come over for thanksgiving. He had no one he could spend the day with. I told him I would bring him food.


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teresa

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It is manipulative because you have made it clear that
you want to cut if off, as you have just stated above.
But he keeps responding with having "questions" about how to do stuff, knowing full well that you will come to his rescue.
this violates your wishes & keeps him in your life.
you keep answering his needy requests and hes got you.
you can't break free.
that is disrespectful
he needed to be blocked in the past.
because he doesn't take no for an answer

emotional abuse, as you stated he has committed against you for 3 decades.....is the worst kind of violence.

it leaves deep scars, that often can never be overcome.
 
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JAM2b

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You can remain civil without allowing these things to continue. I don't ever blame the abused for being abused, but once you recognize the problem and know it is severe enough to cut ties, then the safe and healthy thing to do is to put firm and clear boundaries in place. Don't "let him down easy." That is dishonest and manipulative. Plus the reality may very well be that he is aware that he is still taking advantage of you and still has possessiveness and is controlling you. You are allowing yourself to remain an emotional hostage. Don't let his needs and emotions dictate the decisions you make, when or how you interact with him.

Also allowing him to linger in your life that way is dangerous when you are dealing with a person who is abusive. Abusive people escalate. As conflicts arise and they loose power, the abuser becomes more severe and other abusive actions that they have not displayed before can begin to show up. This is because they become desperate to maintain control, power, and possession. Abusers typically aren't able to manage their emotions well. This is part of what leads them to harm others. They can't handle it, so they act out against others who are weaker, or submissive, or will put up with it. Most women who are killed by their abusers are killed after they decide to leave the relationship, after the police are called, after the abuser is released from jail, etc.

If you are going to leave your marriage, then truly leave it. Now. Don't wait until the divorce is official. I know it's past Thanksgiving, but if you are separated and plan to divorce, you should not be bringing him Thanksgiving food. He is a grown man. He can figure out his own holiday meals, or he can sit alone and reflect on his actions that lead to this situation.

As a person who grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family and then got into a marriage that was the same way, I understand that it becomes a way of life for the abused to become dishonest and manipulative for the sake of survival and "keeping the peace." But it is not the safest and healthiest way to deal with it. What kind of survival is that? "Keeping the peace" rarely brings about peace. It perpetuates the problem and drags the abused person into a habit of sin.

Jesus never accepted abuse in his life. He never lead people on either. He was direct and honest. The most compassionate and merciful man to walk the earth never let anyone down easy. He was decisive and honest. When things were bad, he left situations and didn't look back. I think people in bad relationships need to follow his example.
 
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