Frustrated “Superdad”

Foodiehubster

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So where to start. A couple of years ago I was the breadwinner but we both worked. I got laid off and my wife became the breadwinner, found out she was pregnant, I went back to school and worked part time 30 hours a week, while she did the full career. I took care of all the meals, a lot of the cleaning, pretty much all the shopping, as much of the child care as possible. After all she was the breadwinner. That being said, I did start to get a bit irritatable. We never saw each other, I felt overworked and she was wanting to be a stay at home mom so she was a bit resentful.

Fast forward she’s pregnant again (not planned) I found a better paying job and now we can afford to have her at home, so she quit her career. I still do all that I did before and work 40 plus at a stressful job. We talked recently and she told me I have unrealistic expectations of her. I can’t reply, I really can’t. I really feel like why can’t you do what I did, or come close. That being said I am the more active of the two of us and just more efficient at multitasking. Add into that I have a wife who’s willing to have sex but has no libido. That’s not an exaggeration, it doesn’t exist

I can’t help but feel like I’ve signed up for a life of indentured servitude. I love my wife but I need some perspective and advice. Help?
 

Tropical Wilds

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How far along is she? Is her pregnancy easy or has it been hard? Some of it could be that.

And as somebody who’s transitioned from career to SAHM to career at home... It’s hard. The transition is hard and then the workload is hard. Honestly, it’s kind of a shock. How long ago did you guys make the switch?

Some of it you might have to forgive because of pregnancy/new baby/difference in work and routine styles. You might have to relax standards a bit, but also outline for her in a way that’s not a “hey, look how I was better at this than you” way to kind of help her get started.

Things do change a lot with two kids in terms of the state of the house, especially when mobility kicks in. It is a huge adjustment for sure.
 
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LinkH

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This situation could be temporary. You've got however many moths of pregnancy left, tiredness from caring for a newborn that settles down a bit between 6 to 9 months in, but still challenging (and then they start walking at some point!), and maybe a year or whatever if her having to work in nursing the baby into her schedule if you do it naturally (which is best if possible.)

So maybe you've got a couple of years of being super-busy. But then you have two kids, so maybe just 18 years. Your wife might get some more energy after pregnancy. Pregnancy can reduce her energy. It can also reduce a woman's libido--if it's a girl rather than a boy--but maybe that part is an old wive's tale.

If you make a lot of money, maybe you can get a maid. Do you have a dishwasher? You got to wash them before you wash them, but it's still faster and you don't have to stack them to dry and you may dirty some of them up before you put them away. That saves time. Living in an apartment rather than a house can reduce yard work if that's an issue. Is there money for a laundry service if such a thing exists where you live? What about a maid? Maybe one of those robot floor mop things?

Being tolerant of non-nasty messes is helpful too. Unmaid beds and stacks of paper aren't generally nasty. Dirty dishes in the sink and gunk on the floor is nasty.
 
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Hidden In Him

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We talked recently and she told me I have unrealistic expectations of her. I can’t reply, I really can’t. I really feel like why can’t you do what I did, or come close. That being said I am the more active of the two of us and just more efficient at multitasking.

You two are indeed different people by your own admission. Rather than expecting her to be able to do what you did, I would seek God in prayer for a way to work things out where both you and her can be fulfilled without placing your own expectations on each other. He might reveal to the two of you to cut back on your standard of living, or maybe hire a part time maid or babysitter... Just pray for guidance. Sounds like you are both trying to be overachievers, and that sort of thing can eventually catch up to anyone.
 
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meyerjd

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My wife and I have been married 17 years and I have worked in a demanding, high stress job for 16 years. I have always handled all of the household tasks. My wife was diagnosed with severe osteoarthritis in both knees five years ago and rheumatoid arthritis one year ago. At one time she would on occasion cook along with dusting and vacuuming. In the last year she has hardly ever helped with anything around the house. I do feel trapped and hopeless at times, but I feel our marriage remained okay through all this. The light at the end of the tunnel is that she can have her knees replaced after she turns 50. That's only 11 years from now. I've just gotten good at turning to the Lord as well as multitasking. Hang in there.
 
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