Friendships and people - what gives??

[Tony Stark]

Can anyone here help me to understand what is going on with people and friendships? It seems that more and more, people are just not interested and do not reciprocate.

Old friendships - I have some friends that I grew up with over 30 years ago and to me the history there is gold and I value them a lot, but I do not seem to matter much to them anymore. For years and years I have put in massive effort with keeping the friendship alive with visiting them (on the other side of the world), emailing, phone calls, Facebook, sending gifts... They just do not reciprocate and the whole thing is one-sided. Why is this? I just cannot get my head around it and it hurts a lot.

Trying to develop new friendships - I have made effort over the years to develop new friendships, but people just do not seem interested. For example, I recently asked a guy from Church to join me for dinner and a movie. He said he would think about it and never got back to me. When I invited him out with me, I was pretty flexible with movie and food choices too.

I have had bad experience after bad experience with trying to make friends or reconnect with old friends. Christians seem to be the worst with this (sad to say). Churches seem to be so cliquey and excluding too (we have tried a number of Churches and they all seem to be the same).

Can anyone here give me some ideas or share their thoughts?

 

[Halbhh]

Hi Tony, welcome to CF!

Are the people in your local church welcoming the stranger, caring for or visiting the sick, are they visibly doing "Love one another" (Christ's command to us)? What do they do for social enjoyment/fellowship? What do they like to talk about individually? One thing to start if it's not already going is something like coffee and cookies at the church fellowship space right after Sunday services. You can join in conversations by first intently listening, to really get what's interesting to them about the subject they are voicing. example: a group I don't talk a lot with was reminiscing on old cars they had in youth. After listening a couple of minutes , I was able to join in by telling about the old car i first drove, and pulling up a picture of that model in my smartphone. People individually like to talk about certain things, you can discover individually.

 

[mukk_in]

Friendships tend to change. They shouldn't, but do. That's been my experience with some church folk too. Reciprocity is frowned upon and one-sided exploitation seems to be the norm. Here's a friend who never changes (Matthew 28:20). Peace in Christ.

 

[Tony Stark]

Hi Tony, welcome to CF!

Are the people in your local church welcoming the stranger, caring for or visiting the sick, are they visibly doing "Love one another" (Christ's command to us)? What do they do for social enjoyment/fellowship? What do they like to talk about individually? One thing to start if it's not already going is something like coffee and cookies at the church fellowship space right after Sunday services. You can join in conversations by first intently listening, to really get what's interesting to them about the subject they are voicing. example: a group I don't talk a lot with was reminiscing on old cars they had in youth. After listening a couple of minutes , I was able to join in by telling about the old car i first drove, and pulling up a picture of that model in my smartphone. People individually like to talk about certain things, you can discover individually.

Thanks for the post and for the welcome!
Nope... I cannot say that our Church does this. If anything, my wife and I have tried, but people have just not been interested. Pretty much like I mentioned with that guy from Church and his dreadful response towards a dinner and movie invitation.
I have set up a men's dinner and movie night and it was quite popular (our Church is new and still growing in numbers), but nobody really appreciated the effort I went to with organizing the night out. My impression is that the social thing at Church falls on my shoulders and people will just come along if it interests them.
With the old friendships, two of the ones that have fallen by the wayside are actually Pastors. I grew up with these guys and one of them in particular disgusts me after how he tore me to shreds for going to him about his lack of effort in the friendship. FYI here, I only did this when he was saying things about me behind my back and I did go to him in the nicest way that I could.
I am beginning to think something is off with me, but when I look at everything I seem to be doing the right thing (... a man that has friends must show himself friendly...). I have no idea anymore.

 

[Tony Stark]

Friendships tend to change. They shouldn't, but do. That's been my experience with some church folk too. Reciprocity is frowned upon and one-sided exploitation seems to be the norm. Here's a friend who never changes (Matthew 28:20). Peace in Christ.

So you are saying this is more common than what I realize???

 

[mukk_in]

So you are saying this is more common than what I realize???

Not necessarily. I agreed with you as that was my experience too. Others here may have had better experience with church friends.

 

[Andrew77]

Can anyone here help me to understand what is going on with people and friendships? It seems that more and more, people are just not interested and do not reciprocate.

Old friendships - I have some friends that I grew up with over 30 years ago and to me the history there is gold and I value them a lot, but I do not seem to matter much to them anymore. For years and years I have put in massive effort with keeping the friendship alive with visiting them (on the other side of the world), emailing, phone calls, Facebook, sending gifts... They just do not reciprocate and the whole thing is one-sided. Why is this? I just cannot get my head around it and it hurts a lot.

Trying to develop new friendships - I have made effort over the years to develop new friendships, but people just do not seem interested. For example, I recently asked a guy from Church to join me for dinner and a movie. He said he would think about it and never got back to me. When I invited him out with me, I was pretty flexible with movie and food choices too.

I have had bad experience after bad experience with trying to make friends or reconnect with old friends. Christians seem to be the worst with this (sad to say). Churches seem to be so cliquey and excluding too (we have tried a number of Churches and they all seem to be the same).

Can anyone here give me some ideas or share their thoughts?

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Men in general are not into friendship as much.

I have been told for decades now, that "to have friends, you need to be a friend."

I have found that the opposite is true. The more effort I put into being friends with someone, the faster they are to ditch me.

Similarly I was told that the verse about 'give and it will be given to you, press down shaken together and over flowing' means I need to do that, and friendship will be given back.

Again, I have experienced exactly the opposite. The more you give, the less you get back. If you give out everything you have, you will end up with absolutely nothing back at all.

Again this is about Christians, not other people.
I would actually agree with everything else you said. Pagans are much easier to be friends with. In fact all of the people I would say were 'good friends' were pagan people. A few muslims, a couple of cult members, even a wiccan lady. All have been friendly and nice to me. Christians... not at all. Many bad experiences with Christian people. And no, none of them tried to convert me, and all of them knew I was a Christian. (although one muslim guy said if I converted he knew a couple of girls that wanted an American husband. Cute. But no, I turned him down on the offer)

Why is it that pagans are better friends? I have no idea. But that is what I have experienced.

I just assumed there was something wrong with me. That seems more likely to be the case, than I happen to find every Christian jerk on the planet.

But if I'm the problem, why do the pagans love to be around me? I don't know.

If you find an answer dude, send it to me. I've been curious about this for ages.

 

[longwait]

Can anyone here help me to understand what is going on with people and friendships? It seems that more and more, people are just not interested and do not reciprocate.

Old friendships - I have some friends that I grew up with over 30 years ago and to me the history there is gold and I value them a lot, but I do not seem to matter much to them anymore. For years and years I have put in massive effort with keeping the friendship alive with visiting them (on the other side of the world), emailing, phone calls, Facebook, sending gifts... They just do not reciprocate and the whole thing is one-sided. Why is this? I just cannot get my head around it and it hurts a lot.

Trying to develop new friendships - I have made effort over the years to develop new friendships, but people just do not seem interested. For example, I recently asked a guy from Church to join me for dinner and a movie. He said he would think about it and never got back to me. When I invited him out with me, I was pretty flexible with movie and food choices too.

I have had bad experience after bad experience with trying to make friends or reconnect with old friends. Christians seem to be the worst with this (sad to say). Churches seem to be so cliquey and excluding too (we have tried a number of Churches and they all seem to be the same).

Can anyone here give me some ideas or share their thoughts?

Sign of living in the last days. The Bible says in the last days the love of many will grow cold. Also people now tend to have a relationship with their gadgets than spend quality time with family and friends. They are content to be alone with their gadgets.

 

[Hazelelponi]

So you are saying this is more common than what I realize???

Back when my kids were teenagers we had people over all the time or went to other people's houses. I had barbeques, hosted events and went to the events and barbecues of others..

but without the kids and with a move, that has all changed. I'm reasonably new to the area I'm in, and less mobile than I used to be so I don't have as many friends as I had back then.

I think being established in an area causes the former more than anything, plus because of your kids you get to know every parent around, and it just all clicks together into finding your perfect small group of freinds..

With yourself, you work at home or from home and your new in the area you live (I will assume) so your just not meeting the amount of people that usually ends up becoming a more active social life.

Not everyone you meet you'll become friends with, so you have to meet many frogs before you find a group of friends - and your likely not out as much as you need to be for that to be easy.

It's hard to keep long distance friendships and most people really won't try because of that difficulty level. So don't expect it, and invest your time figuring out how to best establish new friends..

If your not happy in your current church change it, even if it means driving a little farther. That's important, and likely the most important for you.

 

[Tony Stark]

Not necessarily. I agreed with you as that was my experience too. Others here may have had better experience with church friends.

I really hate to say this, but our experience with Christian and Church friends has been some of the absolute worst. We base this on our experience in various Churches over the past decade. I am sure that these people I am referring to are good folk and try to live out their Faith in God, but these same people have been some of the most unfriendly and excluding types of people that we have ever met.
Again, very sorry to say this...

 

[Tony Stark]

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Men in general are not into friendship as much.

I have been told for decades now, that "to have friends, you need to be a friend."

I have found that the opposite is true. The more effort I put into being friends with someone, the faster they are to ditch me.

Similarly I was told that the verse about 'give and it will be given to you, press down shaken together and over flowing' means I need to do that, and friendship will be given back.

Again, I have experienced exactly the opposite. The more you give, the less you get back. If you give out everything you have, you will end up with absolutely nothing back at all.

Again this is about Christians, not other people.
I would actually agree with everything else you said. Pagans are much easier to be friends with. In fact all of the people I would say were 'good friends' were pagan people. A few muslims, a couple of cult members, even a wiccan lady. All have been friendly and nice to me. Christians... not at all. Many bad experiences with Christian people. And no, none of them tried to convert me, and all of them knew I was a Christian. (although one muslim guy said if I converted he knew a couple of girls that wanted an American husband. Cute. But no, I turned him down on the offer)

Why is it that pagans are better friends? I have no idea. But that is what I have experienced.

I just assumed there was something wrong with me. That seems more likely to be the case, than I happen to find every Christian jerk on the planet.

But if I'm the problem, why do the pagans love to be around me? I don't know.

If you find an answer dude, send it to me. I've been curious about this for ages.

Wow... Welcome to the club... My wife and I experience about the exact same as you. It is so dreadful to say this, but we have had some of the most worst experiences with Christians. Not all Christians, but a significant amount. Even a Christian General Contractor that we new and grew up with completely ripped us off. It is just incredible and we have found ourselves trying to understand what is going on. I am sorry that you have had very similar experiences to us, but it helps me see that I am not imagining things or being overly sensitive or something else.
It seems to be that the more effort you put into friendships, the more they just suck you dry. You extend yourself, give your time, make effort, go out of your way to keep in touch and it avails to nothing... The moment you stop making the effort, the friendship is dead.
I grew up with a couple of guys. We lived in the same house and even the three of us shared a room. As we got older and moved apart, I did what I could to write letters (before email), call, visit... I never got an invite to either wedding (one I had to invite myself) and these guys are both Baptist Pastors in the USA. One of these guys tore me to shreds (as already mentioned) and I tried to resolve the matter with him, to which he tore me apart again. We are no longer on speaking terms.
I don't know what it is about non-Christians and friendship. I am sure there would be unfriendly non-Christians too, but the non-Christians seem to be more welcoming and inclusive than the Christians that we are around.

 

[Tony Stark]

Sign of living in the last days. The Bible says in the last days the love of many will grow cold. Also people now tend to have a relationship with their gadgets than spend quality time with family and friends. They are content to be alone with their gadgets.

My wife and I both feel that we are ready for the Lord to return. We are kind of done with life here.
I always thought that God designed and created us with an inner need for community and relationship. It seems that people now are just not interested.

 

[Tony Stark]

Back when my kids were teenagers we had people over all the time or went to other people's houses. I had barbeques, hosted events and went to the events and barbecues of others..

but without the kids and with a move, that has all changed. I'm reasonably new to the area I'm in, and less mobile than I used to be so I don't have as many friends as I had back then.

I think being established in an area causes the former more than anything, plus because of your kids you get to know every parent around, and it just all clicks together into finding your perfect small group of freinds..

With yourself, you work at home or from home and your new in the area you live (I will assume) so your just not meeting the amount of people that usually ends up becoming a more active social life.

Not everyone you meet you'll become friends with, so you have to meet many frogs before you find a group of friends - and your likely not out as much as you need to be for that to be easy.

It's hard to keep long distance friendships and most people really won't try because of that difficulty level. So don't expect it, and invest your time figuring out how to best establish new friends..

If your not happy in your current church change it, even if it means driving a little farther. That's important, and likely the most important for you.

Thanks for your post. It is always nice to hear comments from someone that has a bit more life experience than us.
We have done two international moves in the past 18 years and I am sure this has created a lot of disruption for us. When you move away like this, life and people just move on and when you come back it is very hard (near impossible) to join back into what once was. I am sure this has a bit to do with it.
We have gone through a few Churches in the past 10 years and feel that for the sake of our kids, we really need to stay put now. If it weren't for our kids, we probably would have given up on Church. We have invested lots of time and effort into Church and people at Church. We find they are such a cliquey bunch and just will not include you. They seem to have their circle of friends and they are not interested in welcoming or including anyone else. Seems to be our experience in most Churches we have attended. I experienced it again this past month... Classic... I started talking to a man at Church, really making an effort with having conversation with him. My wife knows his wife and our kids know their kids. I thought the guy was nice and could imagine a nice friendship there. I sent him a text message to see if he wanted to get some dinner and see a movie one night and his response was "I will need to think about it or see" and I never heard back from him. We had he and his family over for a games night and it has not been reciprocated. This is just classic experience that we have.

 

[Halbhh]

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Men in general are not into friendship as much.

I have been told for decades now, that "to have friends, you need to be a friend."

I have found that the opposite is true. The more effort I put into being friends with someone, the faster they are to ditch me.

Similarly I was told that the verse about 'give and it will be given to you, press down shaken together and over flowing' means I need to do that, and friendship will be given back.

Again, I have experienced exactly the opposite. The more you give, the less you get back. If you give out everything you have, you will end up with absolutely nothing back at all.

Again this is about Christians, not other people.
I would actually agree with everything else you said. Pagans are much easier to be friends with. In fact all of the people I would say were 'good friends' were pagan people. A few muslims, a couple of cult members, even a wiccan lady. All have been friendly and nice to me. Christians... not at all. Many bad experiences with Christian people. And no, none of them tried to convert me, and all of them knew I was a Christian. (although one muslim guy said if I converted he knew a couple of girls that wanted an American husband. Cute. But no, I turned him down on the offer)

Why is it that pagans are better friends? I have no idea. But that is what I have experienced.

I just assumed there was something wrong with me. That seems more likely to be the case, than I happen to find every Christian jerk on the planet.

But if I'm the problem, why do the pagans love to be around me? I don't know.

If you find an answer dude, send it to me. I've been curious about this for ages.

I find that if I'm friendly to people, that a week or 2 later they will be friendly to me.

Often, for many, at first I'm friendly and they are very reserved and not really friendly.

I'm friendly. They are not.

That's the first encounter.

A week or 2 later I see them, and they are friendly to me.

Sometimes I even forgot I made an effort and I'm surprised.

It's like, 'wow, why is this person so friendly, that seemed dead?'

Then, 'oh yeah, now I remember.'
And I smile back, genuine enjoyment of someone bringing friendly, and we're off.

 

[Halbhh]

Thanks for the post and for the welcome!
Nope... I cannot say that our Church does this. If anything, my wife and I have tried, but people have just not been interested. Pretty much like I mentioned with that guy from Church and his dreadful response towards a dinner and movie invitation.
I have set up a men's dinner and movie night and it was quite popular (our Church is new and still growing in numbers), but nobody really appreciated the effort I went to with organizing the night out. My impression is that the social thing at Church falls on my shoulders and people will just come along if it interests them.
With the old friendships, two of the ones that have fallen by the wayside are actually Pastors. I grew up with these guys and one of them in particular disgusts me after how he tore me to shreds for going to him about his lack of effort in the friendship. FYI here, I only did this when he was saying things about me behind my back and I did go to him in the nicest way that I could.
I am beginning to think something is off with me, but when I look at everything I seem to be doing the right thing (... a man that has friends must show himself friendly...). I have no idea anymore.

I find that if I'm friendly to people, that it's not until week or 2 later they will be friendly to me. (The next time I see them)

Often, for many, at first I'm friendly and they are very reserved and not really friendly.

I'm friendly. They are not.

That's the first encounter.

A week or 2 later I see them, and they are friendly to me.

Sometimes I even forgot I made an effort and I'm surprised.

It's like, 'wow, why is this person so friendly, that seemed dead?'

Then, 'oh yeah, now I remember.'
And I smile back, genuine enjoyment of someone bringing friendly, and we're off.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Thanks for your post. It is always nice to hear comments from someone that has a bit more life experience than us.
We have done two international moves in the past 18 years and I am sure this has created a lot of disruption for us. When you move away like this, life and people just move on and when you come back it is very hard (near impossible) to join back into what once was. I am sure this has a bit to do with it.
We have gone through a few Churches in the past 10 years and feel that for the sake of our kids, we really need to stay put now. If it weren't for our kids, we probably would have given up on Church. We have invested lots of time and effort into Church and people at Church. We find they are such a cliquey bunch and just will not include you. They seem to have their circle of friends and they are not interested in welcoming or including anyone else. Seems to be our experience in most Churches we have attended. I experienced it again this past month... Classic... I started talking to a man at Church, really making an effort with having conversation with him. My wife knows his wife and our kids know their kids. I thought the guy was nice and could imagine a nice friendship there. I sent him a text message to see if he wanted to get some dinner and see a movie one night and his response was "I will need to think about it or see" and I never heard back from him. We had he and his family over for a games night and it has not been reciprocated. This is just classic experience that we have.

Well I am sorry to hear that, it definitely sounds like you should find another church when the kids are older if you've not found your nitch in this one by then..

just sad to hear.. I'll certainly keep you in my prayers.

 

[Andrew77]

I find that if I'm friendly to people, that a week or 2 later they will be friendly to me.

Often, for many, at first I'm friendly and they are very reserved and not really friendly.

I'm friendly. They are not.

That's the first encounter.

A week or 2 later I see them, and they are friendly to me.

Sometimes I even forgot I made an effort and I'm surprised.

It's like, 'wow, why is this person so friendly, that seemed dead?'

Then, 'oh yeah, now I remember.'
And I smile back, genuine enjoyment of someone bringing friendly, and we're off.

That's great. Has not been my experience at all.

 

[Halbhh]

Thanks for your post. It is always nice to hear comments from someone that has a bit more life experience than us.
We have done two international moves in the past 18 years and I am sure this has created a lot of disruption for us. When you move away like this, life and people just move on and when you come back it is very hard (near impossible) to join back into what once was. I am sure this has a bit to do with it.
We have gone through a few Churches in the past 10 years and feel that for the sake of our kids, we really need to stay put now. If it weren't for our kids, we probably would have given up on Church. We have invested lots of time and effort into Church and people at Church. We find they are such a cliquey bunch and just will not include you. They seem to have their circle of friends and they are not interested in welcoming or including anyone else. Seems to be our experience in most Churches we have attended. I experienced it again this past month... Classic... I started talking to a man at Church, really making an effort with having conversation with him. My wife knows his wife and our kids know their kids. I thought the guy was nice and could imagine a nice friendship there. I sent him a text message to see if he wanted to get some dinner and see a movie one night and his response was "I will need to think about it or see" and I never heard back from him. We had he and his family over for a games night and it has not been reciprocated. This is just classic experience that we have.

A serious thing to consider: sheep.
He tells us that those who do not welcome strangers will not gain Life (Matthew ch 25).
John 13:35 By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another."
For the sake of kids, you'd be sure go to a church with His sheep.

 

[Tony Stark]

I am an introvert, but I still make an effort with people to engage them and have a relationship with them. Most of the time, these people (and I see it in Church after Church, after Church) where they are just totally not interested. It is unbelievably insulting when I approach one of the leaders in our Church about going out for a meal and maybe a movie to receive their response of "I will think about it" and then they never get back to you. I have missed Church the past couple of weeks also due to sickness and not one single person has checked in with me.
Now... Please note that I do not live my life expecting people to chase after me, but this kind of thing is really sad and seems very wrong.

 

[Tony Stark]

I am also curious to know how you actually heal and move on from extremely deep, deep hurts caused by what you considered close friends. Friends that knew you from child hood and should have known better than to behave as they have.
I am sure that I have some scaring that just keeps replaying in my mind over and over and over again. I keep trying to let it go, but it just follows me.