Freedoms

[Bebop516]

I would like to get opinions from other Christian couples. My husband and I have been married happily for 11 years. We have two great kiddos, I stay at home to manage the household and spend more time with them. My husband has a great job he mostly enjoys which requires some travel. Many times we are able to travel with him which is a lot of fun. For the past three years we have been asked to attend the camp of our church’s youth group. We went together the first year, leaving our children at home. It went ok. It seems like when my husband gets involved in these big crowds, he all but ignores me. I mean he gets so wrapped up in his “to-dos” I hardly ever see him. Sometimes this leaves me feeling a bit neglected and left out. I tried to brush it off the first year and since then I tried to convince him we needed to wait and help with youth camp once our children were old enough to go and participate. He, however felt like he was really “useful there” and wanted to go. Last year I was ok with him going alone. But now however I am feeling a bit resentful of him choosing to spend some time off from work with a group of people unrelated to us, that includes cute young girls who are college aged (interns). My husband is an extremely social person, and I truly don’t believe theres any bad behavior going on. But still...it makes me wonder. Plus our children of course miss him. (They’re 4&8). I just don’t know how to be so understanding of this. Like I said we spend A LOT of time together since we are able to go with him on most of his work trips. So part of me thinks “this is his fun week away from work once a year; let him have it”. While another part of me is wishing he would spend this time and energy planning something for just us as his young family. Am I just letting selfish jealousy take over or are my concerns valid? I do not ask to take “girls trips” or really anytime away from my family. Should the same be expected of him? Thank you in advance.

 

[mama2one]

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[Ann Provence]

Although going on women's retreats or time away by yourself are fun and great things to do, I don't believe that solves the concern you have. Even if you did those things, it seems that you'd still be having feelings of jealousy/resentment/neglect (words that you used). You asked if your concerns are valid...I'd say yes, for the simple reason that you needed to post them on here and get advice on how to handle this situation. I'm not saying your concerns are right or wrong, but if you just stuff them down and don't address them with your husband, this will eat away at you and you'll end up getting mighty resentful. He'll wonder what happened.

Firstly, you didn't say whether or not you've sat down and had a heart-to-heart chat with him. If you've said nothing, that tells him that everything's fine on your end and you don't mind. In general, it sounds like you two have a great relationship, so please start with this step. Stay calm, don't say things like "when you do this, you make me feel..." because no one MAKES anyone feel anything. You are choosing your feelings and responses. Don't accuse him, just say what your concerns are and see if you two can come to a compromise.

There really isn't one correct answer for your situation, as in, there's one right way to handle it. You have options.
1. You can start going WITH him to these events again, and just accept that he's going to be throwing all his energy into interacting with the youth. Find something to do while you're there. I'm sure you can be used to serve in some other way, or you can just bring your scrapbooking! In fact, why are you NOT serving the youth with him? Young people need to see examples of great marriages. You can be that for them.
2. Maybe he can trade off years: one year at the camp, one year on a family vacation.
3. I don't know you, but your closest friends do, so you need to run this by a trusted close person or even a counselor to see if jealousy really is the root problem. If so, why? He sounds like such a devoted husband and father who does spend a ton of time with you and the kids. Some women would trade places with you in a second!
4. You can send him on his way and plan a fun week with your kids, maybe joining up with another mom & her kids to do beach days, craft days, a camping trip, pool days, etc. ENJOY the week! Tell him you'll be praying for him to have a great impact on the youth!
5. If all else fails, go to a marriage counselor to work this out before it becomes a bigger problem.

I've been married for 37 years, and I've learned through many trials and errors that stuff needs to be worked out or I'll just stew on it until it becomes way bigger than it started out. My husband and I are both non-confrontational, and we like peace, so this is quite a challenge for both of us. But eventually we do get around to having deeper level conversations that get everything out on the table. Because we are coming from a place of divorce never being an option, wanting each other's best, praying for God's help and healing, and wanting to always have a "clean slate" with each other, we do work it out. Perhaps one of you will have to give in, but hopefully, you can find a way for each of you to be satisfied with the decision. I pray that as you two work this out, your love will grow to a new depth!

 

[Endeavourer]

He, however felt like he was really “useful there” and wanted to go. Last year I was ok with him going alone. But now however I am feeling a bit resentful of him choosing to spend some time off from work with a group of people unrelated to us, that includes cute young girls who are college aged (interns). My husband is an extremely social person, and I truly don’t believe theres any bad behavior going on. But still...it makes me wonder.

Bebop, listen to and trust your instincts here. Do you know how many men have hit on the babysitters when they give them a ride home? Every one of their wives would have said "not my husband!"

It's not appropriate for him to be ministering to young girls without his wife present. It puts him in a place to be misunderstood by one of these girls (if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt) and an accusation would be life changing for you and your family.

 

[HannahT]

Am I just letting selfish jealousy take over or are my concerns valid? I do not ask to take “girls trips” or really anytime away from my family. Should the same be expected of him? Thank you in advance.

I think you need to stop jumping to conclusions since it feels like you know nothing is going on - it seems like from your description. Your going to drive yourself nuts if you don't. Undue Jealousy is extremely destructive to relationships. That and it also does a number on your sense of self. You need to ask yourself some questions, and get real with what reality you come up with. We all have those times with a host of issues. It's called being human.

People are different, and some need the interaction and others don't. Nothing wrong with that. I think it is cool that he will be there once your kids get old enough to join in, and Dad knows the ropes. My own father was a very social type of man, and mother was more introverted. It comes down to trust. Dad showed his love and care for his family, and especially my mother. It was clear that he cherished his family. Mom learned to go with his flows, because he got so much joy out of it. Maybe realize he also gets joy out of it. Mom picked the times in which she joined in, and then picked the times she didn't feel comfortable doing it. They - like it sounds like you do - both had their family times just together.

I didn't take as many trips away when they kids were little, but the H had his time and he also was one of those that needed it. It really charged his batteries. I didn't at that point. I didn't feel the need. Once they got older I also found things to do without family. Did the kids miss us? Sure, their kids! Yet, the temporary change of routine didn't do any harm. They also got to do different things without the other parent not being there. I took the kids camping a couple of times, and he took them to the outdoors to do other things like fishing and hiking. Dad also gave them a different routine during home life - as did I when he was gone.

I'm not sure the dynamic of your question is correct. Since I don't do this should I expect him to do the same? I'm sure there are things he can't do, and you have the option to do. Something he would like if he wasn't busy working and traveling - should you just stop since he can't? lol of course NOT!

He hasn't given you any reason to doubt him, and his work allowing you to join him on business? You are very fortunate! You have a good thing going! Feel blessed! He may feel this is something he needs to do. It might give him a blessed feeling due to his contributions. You need to ask if your reasoning is realistic or irrational. We humans tend to do both. The problems come in when we refuse to acknowledge the difference.

P.S. I loved it when Dad was at our youth camps, etc from church going up. He was hoot while there! It was funny seeing him in a different light compared to home, and watching him being a goofball! I missed Mom (one of those things she choose not to go to), but we also had our own things to do with her to. Both were special, and my adult kids pretty much say the same about their youth. We all need things to do separately, and together. Your lucky you have so much together time.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Like I said we spend A LOT of time together since we are able to go with him on most of his work trips. So part of me thinks “this is his fun week away from work once a year; let him have it”. While another part of me is wishing he would spend this time and energy planning something for just us as his young family. Am I just letting selfish jealousy take over or are my concerns valid? I do not ask to take “girls trips” or really anytime away from my family. Should the same be expected of him? Thank you in advance.

Let him have his fun where he can be goofy and not responsible for the family. My husband did the same. I would give ANYTHING for him to be able to do it now...but he's dying of cancer as I type. We had together interests and alone interests. I would hit SpaceFest...not his thing but I'd take off and geek out for 4-5 days. He'd take off to go to coin shows, stamp shows, things like that. He will NEVER do that again. Life is way too short to resent your spouse for doing something they really enjoy. Let him do his thing, you do your thing and then do things together.

 

[Endeavourer]

Let him have his fun where he can be goofy and not responsible for the family. My husband did the same. I would give ANYTHING for him to be able to do it now...but he's dying of cancer as I type. We had together interests and alone interests. I would hit SpaceFest...not his thing but I'd take off and geek out for 4-5 days. He'd take off to go to coin shows, stamp shows, things like that. He will NEVER do that again. Life is way too short to resent your spouse for doing something they really enjoy. Let him do his thing, you do your thing and then do things together.

I'm so sorry for your situation, RedPonyDriver. I could not imagine facing a parting with my beloved husband. I totally agree with what you are saying about having some alone interests along with together interests.

My comments and concerns were specifically to this:

him choosing to spend some time off from work with a group of people unrelated to us, that includes cute young girls who are college aged (interns). My husband is an extremely social person, and I truly don’t believe theres any bad behavior going on.

Unfortunately, I've had first hand experience where over men's "extremely social" friendliness to cute young girls turned into a pursuit of something more. Since I've been involved in marriage ministries (as a lay person), it's amazing to see how many times a husband taking a babysitter home turned disastrous. It's my advice that the wife be the one to always take the babysitter home and that the husband not place himself in situations to be extremely social and interacting with young women in a setting like this without his wife present. Especially a situation that lasts for up to a week at a camp.

At a minimum, a misunderstanding and false accusation would be life changing for the family; at worst the accusation would be true.

I pray that you and your husband may still share some special times together during this terribly painful time. I'm so sorry about your husband's cancer.
E.