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Foundout my new husband secretly smokes, need advice!

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Craftygirl, Nov 6, 2011.

  1. Craftygirl

    Craftygirl Newbie

    1
    +0
    Pentecostal
    Married
    I've been married for about 4 months now. I am pretty conservative, and have always been against smoking, I don't think it's appropriate for a Christian to be doing. I thought hubby felt the same...until I caught him smoking late last night. I've had suspicians, because I've smelled smoke on him before, and asked him why he smelled like that; and he lied to me, saying "I don't know". The neighbor and his co-workers smoke, so I thought maybe he had been chatting with them outside or something. After I caught him, he acted like I didn't have a reason to be upset. Apparently he's been doing this behind my back for a couple months to "help deal with stress". He works at a place that sells cigarettes. I'm devistated that he would A. Lie to me and B. Be doing such a nasty habit that can be addicting and deadly. He said he was "sorry for making me upset" but never repented of lying to me, decieving me, sneaking around behind my back, and doing such a shameful thing.
    My whole family are non-Christians and most of them smoke. My dad has lung cancer.
     
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  2. Sojourner1

    Sojourner1 CF Advisory Team, Policy Manager Staff Member Site Advisor Supporter

    +4,014
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Does your husband struggle from anxiety? I don't know the reason why smoking helps with stress, but I have heard that it does. My advice would be to not get too upset about the smoking because there is an underlying reason why he is doing this. The lying needs to be addressed quickly and you need to establish good communication where you can be open and honest with each other. I would ask him about the stress that he is feeling and encourage him to look into healthy ways to manage stress (exercise, diet, etc.).
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2011
  3. Astridhere

    Astridhere Well-Known Member

    +40
    Christian
    Married
    I reckon your hubby is showing the usual signs of addiction. Very good people will lie and do whatever it takes to satisfy their need be it cigarettes or other drugs. Yes smoking is bad and this is sad healthwise. However, though rare, some people can occasionally smoke. Perhaps you should leave it as it is as busting someone can give them permission not to hide it anymore then they will smoke more and it will become more of an addiction.

    In marriage, particulary if you were not cohabitating before, we find all the warts. I guess if smoking is the only thing you have found as far as warts are concerned then you are doing OK.

    Lying about an addiction does not mean anything more than your husband has an addiction and does what addicts do. Don't let this ruin your blossoming relationship. Stress and resentment will only make it harder for hubby to give up.

    You could open up communication as Sojourner says but do it in a calm and reassuring way, rather than being angry and confrontational. You may see this as your first test of ..you know...for good or bad.. You now have a bad and the foundation of your realtionship is being further established.

    I personally accept some little white lies and do not get all bent out of shape over them. It does not mean my hubby does not love me.

    I'd let it go. I'd give the message that I love him so much that although I hate smoking and the fact that it was covered over, I understand the addiction, and why he did not want to tell me.

    If your aim is to support him in giving up then you need to take the stress out of the situation.

    I know people that use inhalers. They deliver the nicotene with less harmfull affect. Some people stay on these indefinitely.

    To be honest, I'd probably say nothing more about it at this stage and leave the door open for hubby to start communication. I'd buy a packet of inhalers and leave them around for him to stumble on. He is busted, He knows you know. Now you have the opportunity to role model what an understanding and supportive wife would do and how you want to be treated in a similar situation.

    Hubby can only give up smoking when he is ready to do so if he is an addict. Untill then you need to maintain the rest of your relationship, and give the message you are there to support him when it is time to let the smoking go. If he is an occasional smoker then leave it be.

    Personally, I believe smoking is a sin like being obese, eating junk food, using microwave ovens, being irradiated by a PC, or choosing to live in a city with smog, not getting regular excersise. All are harming the body God gave us. We should strive for perfection whilst remembering we are not perfect.
     
  4. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

    +3,538
    Anglican
    Married
    You've already been given what I feel is great advice.....I only wanted to add that open communication between the two of you is a higher priority than him quitting smoking. Quitting is up to him...on his time frame. Honesty and the encouragment of that is something you have control of. Maybe helping him to choose an alternative to deal with his anxiety. There are ingredients in cigarettes that feed the addiction....placing him on a never ending wheel....feeling a NEED for the cigarettes, creating MORE anxiety.
     
  5. IndieVisible

    IndieVisible Member

    484
    +24
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    US-Others
    Leave the man alone. Do you also decide what foods he can eat, what books he can read, how often he should exercise and see a doctor, who he can talk to, what to think?

    That smoking is a health hazard is a fact and I'm very sure he is aware of it and if he wants to quit he will, if not he won't. You can explain to him how it makes you feel but you can not make him do some thing he doesn't want, nor should you give him constant lectures, once is enough. Remember for better or worse. It's a equal partnership too.
     
  6. Romanseight2005

    Romanseight2005 Guest

    +0
    He does need to be honest about it though. Nowadays, you get asked on your health insurance, if anyone in the house has smoked in the last 6 months. You get penalized if anyone in the house has. Also, you would be caught lying, if you said no one did, and they found out that someone did. I am just saying that no man is an island, and what he does affects the entire house, so while she should remember the decision is his, she has every right to know that he's doing it.
     
  7. Audiomechanic

    Audiomechanic ^ My Name | v Things I say

    +93
    Baptist
    Married
    US-Republican
    I type too slow. :doh:
     
  8. earagun

    earagun Newbie

    499
    +19
    Christian
    Married
    lol... it can be addicting?.....your husband is addicted, but how would you like to see him be set free from nicotine forever, Its the best and most efficient way to quite smoking and sneak smokers love it because they're already doing half of the process....... first thing a person must do to quit smoking under this proven technic, is they can smoke as much as they want. there are only TWO RULES......1. they must always smoke alone (sneak smokers, are usually already doing this)......2. when they smoke they must pray.....during the whole period of the cigarette........I was a pack of cigs smoker a day, and in two weeks using this method, satan will not let the drug nicotine hold you in bondage, and let you go with no withdraw....Ha ha ha when satan here's you praying 20 times aday.....ha ha ha Its like a nightmare for him, because for approximently 160 minutes a day I was in prayer, thats crazy for a person like myself, thats alot of praying!. It was like overnight that the addiction was completely gone, I could sit in a truck between two guys smoking and not have even a craving for one. Jesus Christ is Awesome when He gives us wisdom to use satans vices against him.
     
  9. Romanseight2005

    Romanseight2005 Guest

    +0
    :confused:
     
  10. hijklmnop

    hijklmnop Guest

    +0
    My frustration would lie in the dishonesty. We would have to have a major talk about the fact that he was hiding something from me...that is not good. As for the smoking itself, I'd let him know my concerns about the health risks, etc, but kicking the addiction is something only he can make up his mind to do. So I agree with the advice to speak your piece and then leave the rest up to him.
     
  11. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    +944
    Charismatic
    Married
    My frustration would be in my wife adding to the stress that caused me to want to smoke.
     
  12. Romanseight2005

    Romanseight2005 Guest

    +0

    But if it were reversed, you would have no problem, ADDING to the stress of your wife, to set her straight, or lead her rightly, right?
     
  13. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    +944
    Charismatic
    Married
    If my wife wants to smoke discreetly I wouldn't care unless her mouth tastes like cigarettes.
     
  14. Romanseight2005

    Romanseight2005 Guest

    +0
    Which it would!
     
  15. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    +944
    Charismatic
    Married
    It didn't. She was careful not to have that problem when I was around, when we dated and she smoked.
     
  16. mayasmom

    mayasmom Junior Member

    17
    +3
    Pentecostal
    Private
    Maybe the reason he was dishonest is because he knew you would freak out.I can understand you sensitivity to issue due to your fathers illness. But nagging and trying to control you mate will only drive him away from you. You cant control his behavior , you can only control your own. I think the best thing to do is love him and foster an atmosphere were he feels he can communicate with you openly without fear of your judgement and condemnation. He was wrong to lie to you and sneak around behind your back. Try to forgive him and when or if he wants to quit be there to support him.:)
     
  17. If Not For Grace

    If Not For Grace Legend-but then so's Keith Richards

    +1,940
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    That's why he kept it from you. You would have pitched a fit and he did not want to hear it. Sometimes even w/our best intentions we can get so caught up in our little "rules" that we loose sight of a bigger picture.

    He sees you as too stern to be honest with-he will come to hate you for it if this is any sign of how things are going to go. You have to get to the core of problems in marriage and not lay down just a bunch of do's & Don'ts-all those do is cause a rebellious spirit.

    Paul said all things are lawful unto me but not all things are benefical. If you approached it out of concern for him instead of judging what's appropriate for christians you might fare better. What happens if he gets fat? Will you damn him for gluttoney? What happens if he develops a sweet tooth and has an addiction to sugar? What happens if he places a bet on the football board at work? or worse starts to take drugs (prescription or not) to deal w/his stress.

    All I'm saying is HE IS your partner. Be his friend and helper opposed to his keeper and ruler of if you don't you're going to end up divorced --now how's that going to suit a "Christian" such as yourself?:liturgy:
     
  18. GloryBe!

    GloryBe! Always learning.....

    356
    +21
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    Two wrongs don't make a right. He chose to deceive you, which is unacceptable in marriage, and he is the only one who can take full responsibility for his lie. It is a betrayal.
    Instead of coming to you, his wife, with his stress and having you and God help him deal, he turned to completely selfish substance abuse, and lied about it's existence.
    Addicts don't think of anyone but themselves when they perform their addiction. By being fully aware of the medical and health dangers of tobacco, he is choosing to possibly deny you of precious time with him later in life , as well as risking exposing you to further trauma of yet another loved one being ill or dying due to nicotine.

    Glory be!
     
  19. katautumn

    katautumn Wandering, not lost.

    +155
    Other Religion
    Married
    US-Democrat
    Okay, I feel we have to stop right here and park the discussion for just a moment. I know there are many people out there who believe a true believer would not fall prey to addictive behaviors and I'm cool with our body being a temple of the Holy Spirit and wanting to take care of this vessel, but smoking is not a salvation issue. Smoking isn't, necessarily, a smart thing for anyone to do. It's a dumb, expensive, nasty habit. With that said, as a woman who quit nearly a year ago after a long time smoking, I know Jesus loved me as a smoker and He loves me as a non-smoker. His grace is for all, not just those who don't have addictions.

    I can understand and respect your hurt over being lied to. Lying is never okay, but I have found (and this, by no means, is to excuse sinful and hurtful behavior) that most men don't want to hear their wives fuss at them. They don't like confrontation and hashing it out the way we as women do. They like to say they're sorry, hear they are forgiven and move past it. I'm certain he is deeply sorry that he hurt you. Only a heel wouldn't feel remorse for hurting his wife. But maybe he isn't sorry about smoking and lying to the extent you feel he should be, because maybe in his mind he felt justified in being dishonest.

    Perhaps instead of making him feel as if he's disgusting and shameful in your eyes for smoking, you could encourage him to quit. Talk to him about nicotine replacement therapy. Look into electronic cigarettes. Look into anything that may show you're not just trying to get him off the cigarettes, because you think they make him nasty, but because you love him. My husband quit smoking before I did. He never made me feel bad about not quitting, but I always knew he cared about my health and wanted to grow old with me. I quit almost a year after he did. Not one time did he ever preach to me the dangers of smoking or make me feel like I grossed him out, and that really meant a lot to me.

    I'm sorry to hear that your dad is sick with cancer. That's a very understandable reason to abhor smoking and worry about your husband. Perhaps you could approach it from that angle rather than call into question his Christian faith or integrity. That goes a long way with men.
     
  20. GloryBe!

    GloryBe! Always learning.....

    356
    +21
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    The op didn't say that no Christian smokes, she said she believes it isn't appropriate for a Christian to smoke. I would have to agree that we are called to a higher standard. That being said, I know several Christians who are addicted to tobacco, but they all will say that it is bad for you,so I don't question their salvation. I think the biggest issue here is her husband's willful deceit. The op is probably sad and very hurt by her husband, and is looking for support, especially since this particular sin of lying is linked to habits in her loved one's lives that cause trauma to her.

    Glory be!
     
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