Forgiveness Advice

[Saved0126]

Hello All - I lived an unhappy life growing up (for the most part) because my mother was very abusive (verbally and emotionally). Just to give some background, she would act out anger for reasons we couldn't understand and made life miserable for my stepfather and us. She was extremely critical of others, self-centered and hardly ever took ownership for mistakes. It was always someone else fault. There were some good times in the years, but unfortunately the darkness characterized the majority of our life. As I became older and began my own life, I would notice that she would do things to me that I watched her do to others when I was younger. As an example I moved away to the east coast and went back to my hometown on a business trip. I had not seen her or my stepdad for 2 years. However for reasons unknown to me, she got into one of her moods and would not see me when I came down. Would not answer my calls, told my stepdad not to answer my calls, etc. After months went by, she starts talking to me again as if nothing ever happened. Does not acknowledge or take responsibility for anything. I have never received an "I'm Sorry" for all the things she did to me when I was younger or my adult life. This is how she has always handled things, just talks as if an offense never happened. I have forgiven her and still call her from time to time to pray with her and carry on. However I have not gone back to see her again and feel at my age of 47 that I've had enough. She is at the near end of her life span (75) that runs in her family. She is frail and could go at anytime, I just don't feel that it's a priority to try and see her again. I never really felt that she was a Mom (there are a lot of other things I have not included here). Anyhow I just wanted to get your thoughts on whether I should try to see her again and if I seem unforgiving.

 

[xaris]

Does she have OCD?

 

[1watchman]

She is very likely mentally ill with an inherited warped mind (and seemingly in control of Satan). You might just write her or go and at least tell her that you understand her feelings and love her as does God (regardless of your hurt feelings); and urge her to find her peace in the Lord Jesus while there is yet time.
I would urge her to look in her Bible and read John 3 and John 14.

 

[RaymondG]

It is ok to remember all that has been done to you.....However, if there are any negative emotions attached when you think about it....you have not forgiven her.

It would be wise to try to understand that she did the best that she could do with the knowledge she was given and you would have done the same if you were her. By her treatment she has made you a better person by showing you how not to treat others and any family you may have started. Try not to view her actions as bad or negative in anyway....She did the best she knew how.

This forgiveness will ease your heart and mind and make you happier overall.

Also I would make an attempt to visit to ensure there are no regrets later on in life.

 

[Saved0126]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. I should also mention that I did lead her to salvation years ago. She knows him as savior but never really surrendered her ways to know him as Lord. I understand your intent Ray and I appreciate it. I would just share that many people go through traumatic situations and negative emotions after forgiveness aren't signs of unforgiveness, but rather being human. I do agree that it is a continuous exercise to roll those emotions back to peace. God bless you all.

 

[RaymondG]

If you feel anything negative when you think about a situation.....you have not forgiven. Forgiveness set you free from the hurt and negativity associated with the situation. Many do not forgive.....to their own detriments. And I find no fault in the decision to not forgive.....for if I were you, I would not either.

 

[Tolworth John]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. I should also mention that I did lead her to salvation years ago. She knows him as savior but never really surrendered her ways to know him as Lord. I understand your intent Ray and I appreciate it. I would just share that many people go through traumatic situations and negative emotions after forgiveness aren't signs of unforgiveness, but rather being human. I do agree that it is a continuous exercise to roll those emotions back to peace. God bless you all.

Forgiveness needs an expression of remorse, sorrow or of repentance.

May I suggest that you tell God about any feelings of hurt, resentment etc and ask him to take control of them, of your memorise of these incidents and of your mother.
Leave it all for him to deal with.

Do talk to your mother, Irene is able use the video call function in facebook messenger.
If she asks you to visit, be blunt and tell her you have tried to visit her Inthe past but she has refused to see you, answer phone calls etc. Will this happen if you do visit.

If she still denies it or will not acknowledge it happened, I would not visit.

Do talk to her, to any siblings you have about her.

 

[honey badger]

Hello All - I lived an unhappy life growing up (for the most part) because my mother was very abusive (verbally and emotionally). Just to give some background, she would act out anger for reasons we couldn't understand and made life miserable for my stepfather and us. She was extremely critical of others, self-centered and hardly ever took ownership for mistakes. It was always someone else fault. There were some good times in the years, but unfortunately the darkness characterized the majority of our life. As I became older and began my own life, I would notice that she would do things to me that I watched her do to others when I was younger. As an example I moved away to the east coast and went back to my hometown on a business trip. I had not seen her or my stepdad for 2 years. However for reasons unknown to me, she got into one of her moods and would not see me when I came down. Would not answer my calls, told my stepdad not to answer my calls, etc. After months went by, she starts talking to me again as if nothing ever happened. Does not acknowledge or take responsibility for anything. I have never received an "I'm Sorry" for all the things she did to me when I was younger or my adult life. This is how she has always handled things, just talks as if an offense never happened. I have forgiven her and still call her from time to time to pray with her and carry on. However I have not gone back to see her again and feel at my age of 47 that I've had enough. She is at the near end of her life span (75) that runs in her family. She is frail and could go at anytime, I just don't feel that it's a priority to try and see her again. I never really felt that she was a Mom (there are a lot of other things I have not included here). Anyhow I just wanted to get your thoughts on whether I should try to see her again and if I seem unforgiving.

go see her ... had the same issue with my mom ( minus the praying together part) i did not see her for years ... one day she drank herself to death .... i regret not having gone to see her , if i could turn back time i would ... for reasons you will not know unless she passes without you seeing her ...

 

[tturt]

Sorry that It's this way for you. Your last sentence in the OP - only you can determine if it's unforgiving. Can tell you if iit's not settled for you before her passing, it doesnt go away after she passes.
So glad you are pursing settling it within yourself.

 

[Paul4JC]

I don't think it makes any difference if you visit or not if your at peace with her. It is because of distance?

 

[ChristServant]

Hello All - I lived an unhappy life growing up (for the most part) because my mother was very abusive (verbally and emotionally). Just to give some background, she would act out anger for reasons we couldn't understand and made life miserable for my stepfather and us. She was extremely critical of others, self-centered and hardly ever took ownership for mistakes. It was always someone else fault. There were some good times in the years, but unfortunately the darkness characterized the majority of our life. As I became older and began my own life, I would notice that she would do things to me that I watched her do to others when I was younger. As an example I moved away to the east coast and went back to my hometown on a business trip. I had not seen her or my stepdad for 2 years. However for reasons unknown to me, she got into one of her moods and would not see me when I came down. Would not answer my calls, told my stepdad not to answer my calls, etc. After months went by, she starts talking to me again as if nothing ever happened. Does not acknowledge or take responsibility for anything. I have never received an "I'm Sorry" for all the things she did to me when I was younger or my adult life. This is how she has always handled things, just talks as if an offense never happened. I have forgiven her and still call her from time to time to pray with her and carry on. However I have not gone back to see her again and feel at my age of 47 that I've had enough. She is at the near end of her life span (75) that runs in her family. She is frail and could go at anytime, I just don't feel that it's a priority to try and see her again. I never really felt that she was a Mom (there are a lot of other things I have not included here). Anyhow I just wanted to get your thoughts on whether I should try to see her again and if I seem unforgiving.

Read most of the posts on this thread and no one has mentioned we are to honor our Fathers and Mothers.

Go and see your mother and make peace with her and do so with humility towards GOD. All of us are sinners.

Do you remeber these words below
We no longer look to be served. We look to serve and give our lives for others. No longer fight for privilege, influence and status. We esteem others better than ourselves and put their interests above our own.

Peace be with all those in the body of Christ

 

[kaijo]

Hello All - I lived an unhappy life growing up (for the most part) because my mother was very abusive (verbally and emotionally). Just to give some background, she would act out anger for reasons we couldn't understand and made life miserable for my stepfather and us. She was extremely critical of others, self-centered and hardly ever took ownership for mistakes. It was always someone else fault. There were some good times in the years, but unfortunately the darkness characterized the majority of our life. As I became older and began my own life, I would notice that she would do things to me that I watched her do to others when I was younger. As an example I moved away to the east coast and went back to my hometown on a business trip. I had not seen her or my stepdad for 2 years. However for reasons unknown to me, she got into one of her moods and would not see me when I came down. Would not answer my calls, told my stepdad not to answer my calls, etc. After months went by, she starts talking to me again as if nothing ever happened. Does not acknowledge or take responsibility for anything. I have never received an "I'm Sorry" for all the things she did to me when I was younger or my adult life. This is how she has always handled things, just talks as if an offense never happened. I have forgiven her and still call her from time to time to pray with her and carry on. However I have not gone back to see her again and feel at my age of 47 that I've had enough. She is at the near end of her life span (75) that runs in her family. She is frail and could go at anytime, I just don't feel that it's a priority to try and see her again. I never really felt that she was a Mom (there are a lot of other things I have not included here). Anyhow I just wanted to get your thoughts on whether I should try to see her again and if I seem unforgiving.

I believe she maybe undiagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), just like my own mother. Your family experience sounds very similar to mine, because of her. One thing though, when I eventually realized that she was undiagnosed with this mental disorder It brought me a lot of peace in knowing that. Coz everything now made sense. Maybe it will bring you a form of peace also once u know what NPD consists of. To know that, as bad as she was, it wasn't entirely her fault - that it wasn't the 'real' her.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - HelpGuide.org