Forcibly Left My Parents House To Find God On My Own

[StriveForAgape]

To keep a long story short, my life is much of Benjamin's. Always sheltered. Extremely sheltered, even. Wherever my parents went, I was at. I couldn't really go over to friends houses, I couldn't have other friends over, and well...I think you guys get the point. I've been under lock and key for the past 20 years. So obviously, I haven't done much at all out on my own even though I'm almost 22 now. Not even go to college. I've always wanted to...."break out" if that makes sense. I feel suffocated mainly, because even though my parents have me under such lock and key, I don't have any emotional connection to my parents. They are very hostile towards me most of the time, and when I go through very trying times (Like being bullied, going through break ups, finding out I have mental illnesses) my dad brushes them off and/or laughs at me and my mom ignores the entire conversation or says I am fine and just don't pray hard enough. I've always wondered why they are so disconnected, and I've never gotten an answer.

Anyways, recently, a fight broke out that actually resulted in my mom telling me to leave the house by the end of the month. She later took it back, but by then I had already found a new place to stay. And honestly....I wanted to leave anyways but they weren't allowing me. To stay with grandparents, with friends, other family members, anyone. My parents always had an excuse or said "The church wouldn't allow it" which is their favourite excuse. I had to quit many dreams because it was always "Well the church/the pastor wouldn't like that" like becoming a famous musician, studying abroad, or anything like that. I always thought I would've had to force it, but I felt like God would do something drastic like crash the plane if I ever tried and that would be the end of my life...

I've recently started to hate church and also am finding it hard to go to God about anything because of that.

I've known for a while now that I have no sense of myself OUTSIDE of my parents or church...And it gets me to thinking...I don't know myself. And it's making me question how I can even have a relationship with God without knowing myself or knowing anything outside of them...so I made the decision and I am moving in with a friend. Unfortunately it's back to my hometown which is across the country, but that's the only place I had friends since we move around so much that I never got the chance to make more really. I also have family out there which I felt was important to have because I know I'm going to need a support system when I go to school, etc...Both of my parents are seeminly angry since they are only hostile and only having "You're gonna fail but good luck!" conversations with me, but that's also why I'm leaving. Because they do that.

Basically my question is this....EVERYONE is quite upset with me for leaving and are saying I just need to stop "being so sensitive" and get over it and just stay.

But....why would God give me such an imaginative mind and all of these visions and ideas if I was meant to sit like a duck all my life? I feel like I'm an eagle instead and nobody wants me to fly. And I don't want to be scared to pursue anything in life because my destiny is to just sit under my parents like they say. I couldn't even decide my own career! They were trying to tell me what my career was, what classes I was taking, and everything...I just can't do it.

But is it what I'm supposed to be doing?

And if I am, then why did God give me so many dreams for them to waste away? And how come I have a huge voice pulling me away. Saying I'll be safe and find my way back to them once I find....me? And most importantly God...in a way that is uniquely me like the way he will judge on the final day. I have to learn to go to him for myself and that is what I am trying to do.

So why is everyone telling me what I am doing is the wrong thing and I need to just "Get over it"?

 

[1watchman]

I will surely pray for you, friend! The best counsel I can give you is to not let religious ideologies of people take the place of God's holy Word. To help you find the peace, blessings, and mind of God, let me refer you to your Bible (preferably KJV or NKJV), and read John 1; John 3; John 14 to see God's message to you in brief. God wants to speak to you, and does by His immutable Word, and to our heart when we talk to Him.

When you trust the Lord Jesus and make Him Lord of your life and best Friend, you can begin reading the Bible daily --New Testament first; and should know that it is truly God's Word to your heart and soul. God cares for you, and does not set rules to govern you, though He asks us to trust His Word fully and stay in communion with Him. Religious people live by their rules and not God's Word, so trust God and not the ideas of man. Write me anytime if you wish. - 1watchman

 

[Kit Sigmon]

StriveforAgape, your thread makes no kind of sense after reading this one you posted Jan. 20, 2016... I copied and pasted it here:
I'm Unsure of what God wants me to do Next

First off, I want to say hello to everyone!

I am going through a very struggling time right now and I would really appreciate it if someone could help me.

As of late last night, my fiance called things off with us. I have been with him officially for a year and a half, but we have had emotions for each other since we met back in 2013.

Now, our relationship started off as the best, but then trailed off. And it definitely had it's ups and downs. (I apologize, but this is going to be a long paragraph. 3 years of a paragraph) When I first met him, I was pursuing another relationship that was undoubtedly the wrong one. He was an atheist, so I don't think I need to say more. Getting back on topic, as soon as I met my now ex fiance, my relationship with the other guy fell off, and our relationship ended. I took my time to recover, which for me never takes long, because I always knew there is someone out there who God created just for me! And all of these guys where just stepping stones. And I prayed to God to show me when I meet him, so that I know that it was him. I prayed to God that he would be a man that no matter what, loved me with all of his heart. Anyways, when my old relationship ended, I kept feeling this connection to my fiance when we only hung out a few times. When I went to tell him about this, he told me that he got a girlfriend that day, which made me decide to delay the conversation because I believe pursuing a man off the market is wrong, no matter how godsend you believe he is. So I was continuing to be his best friend. His relationship ended after a few months, and once he had time to heal is when I told him that I felt that deep connection to him. He told me that he felt it too, but didn't know the significance of it. Long story short, we ended up talking about pursuing a relationship with each other. We wanted to pray to make sure that we were in the right, because we no longer wanted to pursue relationships that weren't God willed. After praying, I got that my feelings should remain strong, and that I should have patience. But, at that time, my fiance felt like now was not the right time for him to pursue a relationship with me. He didn't say it feels like he NEVER should, because quite frankly that isn't what he got(in his words it was "Friendship, for now"). It was a very trying time for me, because I felt like I needed to re-check myself because I just SOMEHOW had to be wrong because why would God tell me to have patience and remain strong, while he gets a not yet? Well, we both didn't know. But we remained friends, because we both couldn't deny that connection. I kept praying, and kept getting the same answer. "Have peace, and remain patient" During that time, I got into contact with an old friend, and felt led to pursue that relationship, and he met another girl and pursued her. Both relationships ended rather quickly, and we were both concerned as to where we were going and why God is leading us to people we aren't working with and why we aren't willed to be with each other. But after both relationships ended, we decided to go back to God and find that out. And well, this time. We both got a yes. So we pursued each other, went to church together, prayed together, and talked to each other constantly. As time went on, we began to get into fights and not know why, but we did know the more we fought, the deeper that connection started to feel. We talked about ending our relationship, but we both just couldn't feel as if it was the right thing to do, and God had a plan. In the year and a half that we were together, our pasts and presents caused problems. One day while we were hanging out and talking about that connection we had for each other, we made the mistake of falling into the trap of being sexual without marriage. We decided that it shouldn't happen anymore, and we took the temptation to be the reason for our fighting, and we stopped....for about 3 months where it started to become a way for us to bond together. It wasn't habitual or like physical temptation where we just wanted to sleep with anyone. It was more like we just felt so close together and we kept feeling this huge need to show it in that way. We also stopped going to church for reasons, and our talks about God became less and less after that happened...When the talks about God did happen, we felt like we were so for each other, and those were the days we felt more positive about being together. We both had "preferences" that we never told each other (or anyone else) that would let us know that God is telling us that we are with the right one, and both of our preferences where answered around our one year anniversary. Needless to say, throughout the ups and downs, we were, and still are, so, SO in love with each other.
To make a long story short, that's the way our relationship went for a year and a half. Until the past 3 weeks when I moved to Georgia with my parents and he stayed in Florida. My fiance said that he didn't feel like he could handle distance, and the fighting we had made him feel like he was wrong about me being the right girl.
He called me and told me that he needs to pray about this again, and he feels conflicted. Half of him feels like he should stay and half of them feels like he should go. Breaking up is the last thing he wants to do, but he doesn't have peace about where we were. We both took the past week to pray. While I was praying, I got this exactly, "Help me destroy what is Satan's, and rebuild what is mine." So the other night I told this to him, and he said he understood. So we were working on things, things where going great, and then last night was when he said even though things were going great, and he loves me, and wants to spend forever with me, he felt breaking up was something he had to do for himself.

I guess my question here is this....We both don't know what to do next. We both agreed that it's not the end of our story, and we can't see ourselves with anyone else. We were on the phone for 2 hours last night, talking about how if it was our choice, we would be together. But we both don't know what to do. We're still best friends. He called me this morning to check on me, and I told him about how I had so many dreams last night all within the same variation because I told God it's just me and him, and I need him now. 1 was us being in church, and my pastor asked us "If God gave you one more chance to be together, would you do right? That means no more vicious fighting, calling each other names and hatred, no more pre-marital sex, and you love each other the right way". When I woke up again, I told God I really need clarity, and immediately fell back asleep, and I dreamed of myself sitting on my bed, reading my bible, asking God what to do next and talking to my fiance, and God was telling me that we need to start from square one, and he needs to be the center. I woke up a few more times this morning from having the same dreams repeatedly. (Literally counted, it was 6 different dreams). My fiance told me he still felt the same way, that he doesn't feel like this break up is forever, and that connection, from the very first day we met, was still there. Just stronger. He just doesn't know what to do now, and he doesn't ever want to get back together without feeling the peace he has been missing. And he says he doesn't know, maybe it's only for a few days, a few weeks, or a few months, or years. But he still doesn't feel like the break up is forever. But he doesn't know if that's what GOD wants. And maybe God wants the break up to be forever. He truly, does not know.

I guess I just need opinions on what to do next. I understand "Help me destroy what is Satan's and rebuild what is mine". I get it now that he didn't say repair, he didn't say fix, he said destroy, and that is why this breakup had to happen. But what does that entitle? What does rebuild mean? Do we stop speaking to each other? Do we completely get over each other? Right now we are a state away, and he doesn't feel like he can handle that, and because we are broken up, seeing each other might not be the best idea so what do we do if that's what God wants. I kind of feel like the reason why we are so distanced right now is SO that we can get back what we once had. Which was going to church, learning about each other, loving each other, and making sure God was the center of our relationship and the center of us as individuals. Being the example of a great Christ-filled relationship that we were before. What is step one? Do we completely forget each other and move on? Or do we remain friends like we once were before, and take things slowly step by step and then do things the right way? I'm so, so confused... Usually, I am fine because I always know that God created someone so much better for me. And now, I don't know what to feel. And I need help from other people who understand about Jesus and prayer in relationships, because all of my friends either are biased because they are my friends, or atheists, or both. And I don't have any mentors or christian friends to go to...

Once again, I am sorry this is so long, but I really, really, need some help. I hope everyone is having a blessed day<3

 

[Ken Behrens]

Two long stories, two short replies, both based on the same general principle. Job number one for anyone coming of age in the Kingdom of God is to first find out who you are in Christ, before you make any life decisions.:

@ Strive: this is what God calls everyone to do. And 22 is a pretty good age to get going with the project. Let me add the word FAIL is First Attempt In Learning. And Rom. 8:28 says you cannot make a mistake, if you are sincerely looking for Jesus. So go for it.

@kit, this is your and his decision to make. Any wise person will not advise you. I am wise enough to see that both of you are trying to figure this thing out in Christ, and that's why you will find the right path. I don't know how old you are, but lots of people have very good first marriages in their early 30's, so you both have time, I bet. And Rom. 8:28 says you cannot make a mistake, if you are sincerely looking for Jesus.

I hope you both can find a network of people to pray with. You need more support than just words on paper (or in cyberspace).

 

[seashale76]

Unfortunately, you were raised in a cult and not in the Christian faith by people who are very much still into their cult (if you're the type of Apostolic I think you are- then it doesn't qualify as Christian- but that's a different topic). The consequences of this is that you've been subjected to years of spiritual abuse, you have been held back in all areas of life, and your prospects in life (especially regarding your education) have been severely hampered. It's criminal what was done to you by your parents.

Please call a hotline to help get yourself out of this abusive situation. Most cities and counties have hotlines and resources to help people that are stuck like you are.

 

[StriveForAgape]

StriveforAgape, your thread makes no kind of sense after reading this one you posted Jan. 20, 2016... I copied and pasted it here:
I'm Unsure of what God wants me to do Next

First off, I want to say hello to everyone!

I am going through a very struggling time right now and I would really appreciate it if someone could help me.

As of late last night, my fiance called things off with us. I have been with him officially for a year and a half, but we have had emotions for each other since we met back in 2013.

Now, our relationship started off as the best, but then trailed off. And it definitely had it's ups and downs. (I apologize, but this is going to be a long paragraph. 3 years of a paragraph) When I first met him, I was pursuing another relationship that was undoubtedly the wrong one. He was an atheist, so I don't think I need to say more. Getting back on topic, as soon as I met my now ex fiance, my relationship with the other guy fell off, and our relationship ended. I took my time to recover, which for me never takes long, because I always knew there is someone out there who God created just for me! And all of these guys where just stepping stones. And I prayed to God to show me when I meet him, so that I know that it was him. I prayed to God that he would be a man that no matter what, loved me with all of his heart. Anyways, when my old relationship ended, I kept feeling this connection to my fiance when we only hung out a few times. When I went to tell him about this, he told me that he got a girlfriend that day, which made me decide to delay the conversation because I believe pursuing a man off the market is wrong, no matter how godsend you believe he is. So I was continuing to be his best friend. His relationship ended after a few months, and once he had time to heal is when I told him that I felt that deep connection to him. He told me that he felt it too, but didn't know the significance of it. Long story short, we ended up talking about pursuing a relationship with each other. We wanted to pray to make sure that we were in the right, because we no longer wanted to pursue relationships that weren't God willed. After praying, I got that my feelings should remain strong, and that I should have patience. But, at that time, my fiance felt like now was not the right time for him to pursue a relationship with me. He didn't say it feels like he NEVER should, because quite frankly that isn't what he got(in his words it was "Friendship, for now"). It was a very trying time for me, because I felt like I needed to re-check myself because I just SOMEHOW had to be wrong because why would God tell me to have patience and remain strong, while he gets a not yet? Well, we both didn't know. But we remained friends, because we both couldn't deny that connection. I kept praying, and kept getting the same answer. "Have peace, and remain patient" During that time, I got into contact with an old friend, and felt led to pursue that relationship, and he met another girl and pursued her. Both relationships ended rather quickly, and we were both concerned as to where we were going and why God is leading us to people we aren't working with and why we aren't willed to be with each other. But after both relationships ended, we decided to go back to God and find that out. And well, this time. We both got a yes. So we pursued each other, went to church together, prayed together, and talked to each other constantly. As time went on, we began to get into fights and not know why, but we did know the more we fought, the deeper that connection started to feel. We talked about ending our relationship, but we both just couldn't feel as if it was the right thing to do, and God had a plan. In the year and a half that we were together, our pasts and presents caused problems. One day while we were hanging out and talking about that connection we had for each other, we made the mistake of falling into the trap of being sexual without marriage. We decided that it shouldn't happen anymore, and we took the temptation to be the reason for our fighting, and we stopped....for about 3 months where it started to become a way for us to bond together. It wasn't habitual or like physical temptation where we just wanted to sleep with anyone. It was more like we just felt so close together and we kept feeling this huge need to show it in that way. We also stopped going to church for reasons, and our talks about God became less and less after that happened...When the talks about God did happen, we felt like we were so for each other, and those were the days we felt more positive about being together. We both had "preferences" that we never told each other (or anyone else) that would let us know that God is telling us that we are with the right one, and both of our preferences where answered around our one year anniversary. Needless to say, throughout the ups and downs, we were, and still are, so, SO in love with each other.
To make a long story short, that's the way our relationship went for a year and a half. Until the past 3 weeks when I moved to Georgia with my parents and he stayed in Florida. My fiance said that he didn't feel like he could handle distance, and the fighting we had made him feel like he was wrong about me being the right girl.
He called me and told me that he needs to pray about this again, and he feels conflicted. Half of him feels like he should stay and half of them feels like he should go. Breaking up is the last thing he wants to do, but he doesn't have peace about where we were. We both took the past week to pray. While I was praying, I got this exactly, "Help me destroy what is Satan's, and rebuild what is mine." So the other night I told this to him, and he said he understood. So we were working on things, things where going great, and then last night was when he said even though things were going great, and he loves me, and wants to spend forever with me, he felt breaking up was something he had to do for himself.

I guess my question here is this....We both don't know what to do next. We both agreed that it's not the end of our story, and we can't see ourselves with anyone else. We were on the phone for 2 hours last night, talking about how if it was our choice, we would be together. But we both don't know what to do. We're still best friends. He called me this morning to check on me, and I told him about how I had so many dreams last night all within the same variation because I told God it's just me and him, and I need him now. 1 was us being in church, and my pastor asked us "If God gave you one more chance to be together, would you do right? That means no more vicious fighting, calling each other names and hatred, no more pre-marital sex, and you love each other the right way". When I woke up again, I told God I really need clarity, and immediately fell back asleep, and I dreamed of myself sitting on my bed, reading my bible, asking God what to do next and talking to my fiance, and God was telling me that we need to start from square one, and he needs to be the center. I woke up a few more times this morning from having the same dreams repeatedly. (Literally counted, it was 6 different dreams). My fiance told me he still felt the same way, that he doesn't feel like this break up is forever, and that connection, from the very first day we met, was still there. Just stronger. He just doesn't know what to do now, and he doesn't ever want to get back together without feeling the peace he has been missing. And he says he doesn't know, maybe it's only for a few days, a few weeks, or a few months, or years. But he still doesn't feel like the break up is forever. But he doesn't know if that's what GOD wants. And maybe God wants the break up to be forever. He truly, does not know.

I guess I just need opinions on what to do next. I understand "Help me destroy what is Satan's and rebuild what is mine". I get it now that he didn't say repair, he didn't say fix, he said destroy, and that is why this breakup had to happen. But what does that entitle? What does rebuild mean? Do we stop speaking to each other? Do we completely get over each other? Right now we are a state away, and he doesn't feel like he can handle that, and because we are broken up, seeing each other might not be the best idea so what do we do if that's what God wants. I kind of feel like the reason why we are so distanced right now is SO that we can get back what we once had. Which was going to church, learning about each other, loving each other, and making sure God was the center of our relationship and the center of us as individuals. Being the example of a great Christ-filled relationship that we were before. What is step one? Do we completely forget each other and move on? Or do we remain friends like we once were before, and take things slowly step by step and then do things the right way? I'm so, so confused... Usually, I am fine because I always know that God created someone so much better for me. And now, I don't know what to feel. And I need help from other people who understand about Jesus and prayer in relationships, because all of my friends either are biased because they are my friends, or atheists, or both. And I don't have any mentors or christian friends to go to...

Once again, I am sorry this is so long, but I really, really, need some help. I hope everyone is having a blessed day<3

How so? A year ago (almost) I called things off with an ex and was still very confused. In a year you grow and learn things. And in the year I noticed that part of being unsure is because I need to find Christ on my own.

 

[StriveForAgape]

Unfortunately, you were raised in a cult and not in the Christian faith by people who are very much still into their cult (if you're the type of Apostolic I think you are- then it doesn't qualify as Christian- but that's a different topic). The consequences of this is that you've been subjected to years of spiritual abuse, you have been held back in all areas of life, and your prospects in life (especially regarding your education) have been severely hampered. It's criminal what was done to you by your parents.

Please call a hotline to help get yourself out of this abusive situation. Most cities and counties have hotlines and resources to help people that are stuck like you are.

Now spiritual abuse, I am not sure about but verbal abuse definitely. But I am moving on the 24th, and my parents are letting me go. They just aren't talking about it much. It's pretty tense but I feel like my head is a whole lot clearer now that I know I'm leaving.

 

[Goodbook]

Ok Dont leave home without a Bible and I suggest you take it with you and spend time with God and prayerfully read it from beginning to end.

 

[StriveForAgape]

Ok Dont leave home without a Bible and I suggest you take it with you and spend time with God and prayerfully read it from beginning to end.

I have two on my mantle and both are going with me!