Flee from sexual temptation

[Fivesenses]

Hi everyone, does anyone have any advice (I'm pretty sure this is quite common among many Christian couples) for myself and my bf. We have been courting for a year or so now and have been faced with much issues and struggles but have worked through them one by one and have built a very solid friendship and emotional bond. I'm asking advice to combat sexual temptation and arousal outside of marriage. We have been pretty good up until now (we don't stay at each other's houses in private or anything) but realised that kissing could lead to physical arousal even when we are in semi-public places. The chemistry is explosive and I need to help us both get things under control again. I'm determined to help him and the ideas are as follows:

1. Keep ourselves busy and going out to do something active together

2. No kissing at all - anywhere

3. Consistent prayer as always about it and continue to grow spiritually together

4. Be less nice and loving but to keep more emotional distance. I don't like this idea as I've been practicing to be gentle, encouraging and loving (through serving and respecting) towards him but someone advised me to stop being so good to him because it might make him love me even more which does not help the situation at all. But he did mention that it makes it harder for him to resist me and not love me this much when I'm honouring and encouraging him. We both fall deeper in love with one another when we are practicing this servant attitude towards each other.

Yes we are planning to get married one day but still waiting on his family's blessings and he believes it is way too soon after a year to be married. Should we be getting married sooner to deal with all this burning? I've heard of people ending their relationship with someone they love over these struggles so that they can place God first again and not be distracted. I'm terrified of this happening and would NOT want us to end our awesome relationship because of sexual temptation so I need some help from you guys (any extra advices?)

 

[dayhiker]

I love that your putting thought into what you want in our relationship. Looks like you have built a good foundation with the struggles you have worked thru.

I start with the idea that God created us to go thru puberty and you are seeing that your bodies are functioning as God created them to function. That is why people used to get married much younger than we do now: mid teens instead of mid twenties or even thirties! Going against that design really adds to the pressure to not let the sexual desires rise up. I can certainly understand wanting your parents on board. I'm thinking it might be good to put thought and come conversations with your parents to understand why they are not onboard with you two getting married. If they were fine with you two getting married are you in a place where it makes sense to get married?

 

[Fivesenses]

Thank you for your response. My parents are very happy with us getting married asap...it's his family as they think it's important to take marriage decision seriously and you should take your time to get to know someone very well (which means a few years etc).

Yes we are in position to be married (late 20s - 30s), both full time employed and financially stable.

 

[Dave-W]

The bible assumes the marriage age to be about 13-15 years old. That was the norm in first century Judea, and even much of the surrounding Greek and Roman culture. I agree with Dayhiker that modern culture delaying marriage is going against God's design, and is a recipe for trouble.

You are in your mid 20s - and I assume he is about the same age? I understand how the chemistry can be explosive. God designed it to be that way. That (whether it feels like it or not) is actually a GOOD thing.

Unfortunately there are no easy answers. But that is often the case of us trying to serve God in a fallen world system that is fighting against us.

I am rather concerned (in the long term) by your constant fighting against being aroused. In that you are also fighting God's design; and that cannot be done long-term without damaging yourself in some way. Relatedly - I am concern with you putting emotional "space" between you. Both approaches can and will become habitual, and after you get married (even if it is not to each other) those habits will surface and interfere with your marital intimacy.

Let me repeat that: They WILL interfere with your marital intimacy. Many people here in the US (and perhaps there as well) that bought into the so-called "Purity Culture" popularized by Josh Harris; or its un-named predecessor as promoted by Bill Gothard; found that once they got married, the sex and arousal avoidance mentality and even personal doctrines they developed made true marital intimacy and one-ness impossible.

This is all I have time for right now. More later - Probably Monday.

 

[Fivesenses]

I've brought this point up quite a number of times before with my bf and he believes that won't happen in marriage (at least for him because he is sure that he can make the switch when the time comes...) We both look forward to sexual intimacy but can't really fulfil those desire at the moment during dating so would rather avoid being in a compromising situation. Yes we've talked about how good it is in marriage and had conversations about sexuality and expectations so we are not shunning the topic (and both of us recognise how damaging the purity culture is and how shunning it isn't fixing anyone's problems).

In terms of putting emotional distance - I'm definitely not going with this approach and am well aware of the purity culture issues (since I did heaps of research on its effects before + being reading a lot of encouraging books on marriage by Christian writers). I'm not sure how we can avoid fornication but also not trying to run away from being too aroused... isn't being strongly aroused by being too physically intimate (e.g. kissing for a long time) not a good idea when we can't fulfil those desires?

 

[Dave-W]

I've brought this point up quite a number of times before with my bf and he believes that won't happen in marriage (at least for him because he is sure that he can make the switch when the time comes...)

Yeah - so have many others only to sadly find out otherwise.

It becomes a pattern ingrained in our flesh and we have little conscious control over it. Indeed, when we try to exert control to "turn it off," that in itself becomes a distraction interfering with intimacy.

 

[Dave-W]

. isn't being strongly aroused by being too physically intimate (e.g. kissing for a long time) not a good idea when we can't fulfill those desires?

Dr. Ed Wheat - a noted Christian family physician of the last generation, commented in one of his books that the primary reason behind him referring women to get hysterectomies was from repeated arousal without a good release ([bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]). He estimated it was at least 75% of the cases. There was tissue damage from "congestion" or blood pooling in the uterus; and without the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] to flush it out, it just stagnated there causing a small amount of tissue damage. The effect was cumulative. Over time it built up.

But aside from the physical injury, (which will take years to show up) the more immediate problem is the discomfort, which can be pretty bad. And the hormonal drive to go further. God gave us that to bring us together and it is a good thing. But with time after time of frustration, maybe even pain, it will not be looked at as a good thing - indeed, it will start to become viewed as an enemy. And that is NOT what you want to happen, either up front in avoiding arousal or later on dealing with frustration.

You have to find a way to stay biblically moral, but still keep your sex drive as your friend.

 

[Poppyseed78]

It's good you are giving all of this thoughtful consideration, and I'm glad you and your bf are both focused on abstaining sexually. However, your bf is around 30, right? I think he's giving his family too much power over him, particularly if he is financially independent and self-sufficient.


I would not advise being "less nice" to make him love you less. There's no room for such emotional games in a healthy marriage, so I don't think you should go in that direction. Why is one year not long enough to decide if you want to be married or not? Obviously you want a reasonable time frame, but if a relationship isn't a good one, no amount of time dating will make it right.


As for the sexual urges, I will tell you about my sister's experience. When she was in her early 20s, she dated a man for two years, and it seemed to be going very well. She lived at home with us and he had his own apartment. Well, they were both virgins who wanted to wait until marriage, and they wanted to get married when she finished graduate school. His parents refused to give their support until he got his Ph.D, which was five years into the future. Having been together for two years and being very in love, they wanted to go further physically but chose to abstain. He didn't want to go against his parents' wishes, so he told my sister they would have to wait five years to get married. That was the beginning of the end for them. She withdrew emotionally, they started fighting, and they broke up a few months later. They are both still single to this day (at ages 36 and 37, respectively).


You and your boyfriend need to talk about what is right for the two of you. Not what his parents want. They won't be living his life. As for holding off sexually for years, or an indeterminate amount of time - eventually it will erode your emotional connection. You can't keep simmering with desire for each other indefinitely. As they say, you have to crap or get off the pot. In this case, it means, make concrete plans to get married or go your separate ways. I'm not saying get married tomorrow, but if you love and respect one another; strengthen each other's faith in Christ and grow together in Christ; are able to cooperate on both simple and complex matters; and you feel equipped to spend your futures together in sickness and in health - I would suggest making some timeline for marriage. Leaving things up in the air breeds insecurity, doubt, and stagnation.

 

[Dave-W]

However, your bf is around 30, right? I think he's giving his family too much power over him, particularly if he is financially independent and self-sufficient.

I completely agree.

A while back in another thread you posted this:

I'm not really sure about his libido since he does have desires like other men but never struggled with lust (as in never watched inappropriate content, masturbated or dwelled upon/fed sexual thoughts and fantasies even though the thoughts may come). So that's why he told me that he never struggled with such intense and frequent arousal until we started dating.

He is close to 30 and has never masturbated? I find that disturbing. Are you sure? How about wet dreams?

Either he has a very low libido or he has some degree of dissociation. (or he is lying to maintain a certain religious image for you or his parents) In any case, something is not right. Dissociation is one way of fighting sexual feelings that WILL come back to bite him after you guys are married.

You also wrote:

Anyways, I still touch (which he knows) but not as frequent and I try to just focus on the physical release if I need to

IMO that is a healthy way of keeping on good terms with your own libido.

 

[Dave-W]

...
double post

 

[Fivesenses]

How should I or we approach this problem then? How do you see your sex drive as a friend but at the same time being abstinent?

 

[Fivesenses]

How should I or we approach this problem then? How do you see your sex drive as a friend but at the same time being abstinent?

 

[Fivesenses]

How should I or we approach this problem then? How do you see your sex drive as a friend but at the same time being abstinent? I'm getting very frustrated about balancing the two ...more so than the sexual frustration in itself...

 

[Paidiske]

I think it's time for you to plan marriage. Part of getting married is the leaving of parents to cleave to the spouse... if this is what the two of you want, are planning and working towards, at some point you have to decide that his parents' opinion isn't a deal breaker. Given there's no other major reason to wait, I'd suggest the time for that has come.

Pick a celebrant, sign a notice of intended marriage (I see you're in Australia), and start marriage preparation. Why muck around?

 

[Fivesenses]

What happens if his parents' opinion is a deal breaker?

 

[Fivesenses]

What happens if his parents' opinion is a deal breaker?

 

[Paidiske]

How long are you (plural) willing to let it be?

Seriously, if this is getting to the point where waiting is causing problems in your relationship, and this is the only reason to wait, how much of a problem are you willing to let it be?

If you do marry, there will be many many times in your life together that you will need to decide on and maintain your boundaries with various family members. Is this the first of those?

 

[peter2]

May I suggest?
I do know how old-fashioned it is, but did you consider engagement.
It' s a way with God who might help your abstinence and your final decision..
May be it can provide true confidence whereas the opposite a false confidence

 

[Fivesenses]

Yes we will consider engagement but a short one. On the one hand, I do want to honour parents' advice but on the other hand I don't want to experience resentment and frustration (I guess I really need to submit this to prayer). He says that God will hear our prayers and show us when we should get married even though he also wants to get married sooner - i.e. God will make it happen - but I'm unsure whether God actually gives signs to a person as to "when" to get married. I know there are guidelines He provides in His word as to the kind of person we should be looking to get married to but as to when or when not we should get married...I'm not sure about that...

 

[dysert]

My gf and I dated for almost 7 years before getting married, and we remained pure the entire time, so it can be done. I would suggest a few things. First, both of you need to mentally commit to remaining pure. (Sounds like you've done that.) You need to stay out of situations where sex could happen. (Sounds like you're doing that.) You shouldn't be talking about sex too much (I don't think you've been exercising that restraint) because talking about it will only make you think about it and could lead somewhere you don't want it to.

My gf and I even kissed a lot and "made out" a lot (petting, etc.), but we did so in the house where our parents were in the next room. And we didn't go behind closed doors. Avoid the possibility and avoid talking about it much. As I said at the outset, it *can* be done if you're both committed.

 

[dysert]

My gf and I dated for almost 7 years before getting married, and we remained pure the entire time, so it can be done. I would suggest a few things. First, both of you need to mentally commit to remaining pure. (Sounds like you've done that.) You need to stay out of situations where sex could happen. (Sounds like you're doing that.) You shouldn't be talking about sex too much (I don't think you've been exercising that restraint) because talking about it will only make you think about it and could lead somewhere you don't want it to.

My gf and I even kissed a lot and "made out" a lot (petting, etc.), but we did so in the house where our parents were in the next room. And we didn't go behind closed doors. Avoid the possibility and avoid talking about it much. As I said at the outset, it *can* be done if you're both committed.

 

[Fivesenses]

Ok thank you for your advice. We had to go through some issues with each others' pasts etc and my insecurities to do with this topic so that we could be on the same page about it and not allow any hidden negative feelings to build up.

So when you kissed, did it cause arousal? We don't kiss behind closed doors or anything but it has led to arousal and my bf doesn't believe that is right since those desires cannot be fulfilled and it distracts him so we've refrained from kissing.

 

[dysert]

Ok thank you for your advice. We had to go through some issues to do with sexuality because of each other's pasts and different (somewhat clashing) perspectives in addition to some of my insecurities when it came to this topic. We talked these things out so that we are more on the same page and no damaging hidden feelings can continue to build (I tend to bottle). So when you kissed, did it cause arousal? We don't kiss behind closed doors or anything but it has led to arousal and my bf doesn't believe that is right since those desires cannot be fulfilled and it distracts him so we've refrained from kissing.

Yes, when we kissed for long periods it caused arousal, but since we couldn't go any further, no harm done. I just want to stress (again) the point of both of you being committed to staying pure. If you're both committed, it's a matter of the will to either avoid arousal or stifle it. And it's pretty easy to stifle it when your parents are in the next room.

 

[Fivesenses]

Hmm you have a point...we never kissed in private ...always with parents around the corner but it did cause arousal and my bf decided to avoid kissing altogether. Please keep us in prayer ...I'm sure there will be a breakthrough one day and hoping for the best.