Finding people shallow...?

[pockleberry]

I feel really bad about this but recently I have discovered that there are some people who I used to be really good friends with that I don't get on with well anymore and as far as I can see the only thing that has changed is me. There is this one girl in particular, we used to just talk about silly things and have a laugh but now I find the things she talks about so shallow. I find myself wondering how I can get out of the conversation without being rude, I still like her but I feel like we don't relate anymore. Has anyone else found that depression has done this to them or am I just a horrible person?

 

[Darrell2006]

Hi pocklberry, your not a horrible person, it may not even be the depression, friendships change as people do, maybe you need more meaningful friends, or friends that are more interesting and that you have things in common with, It sounds as though your friend, is a more casual friend and probably not as intelectual as you.

Daryl

 

[Silhillian]

Hi pockleberry. Suddenly finding friends shallow doesn't make you a horrible person: personalities change and develop all the time, so while once you may have been excited about those "silly things" your intellectual side may have developed and now you need something deeper or more meaningful to keep you interested. This isn't anything bad, it just means that you need to find people that you have more in common with.

As it happens I'm going through the same thing myself - some people that I have been great friends with for YEARS started seeming shallow in the last couple of years, and it can be like we have nothing in common (sometimes I even felt really uncomfortable with them!), and now we're little more than acquaintances. Whether that had anything to do with my depression, I don't know, but I have been able to find new friends with whom I have had more in common and felt comfortable with them (including the friend who introduced me to this site - so some good has come out of it! )

So yes, it's sad when what were once great friendships seem to come to dry up, but that's how life turns out sometimes - you never know what's round the corner! Just try to meet new people and be yourself and I'm sure that you'll find someone you can relate to!

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

I found that a lot of life in general took on a shallow sense.
Things that were sooo important to me had less interest for me.
Maybe it's a part of depression that makes us more selfish a sort of self preservation. It's a battle fought daily and often times it feels like plain survival.

 

[Denisecollins04]

Hey,

I know what you mean. I feel that way about a lot of my friends too. I'm not into gossip and all that stuff anymore, I couldn't care less if someone is having a bad hair day. It seems crazy to me that so many people, and especially women spend large amounts of time talking about this shallow stuff.

Denise xx

 

[UnitynLove]

Well as you grow you get into new things it not you its just that people change.

 

[junezephyr]

You aren't alone in this. I've found that I've been communicating less with many of my friends because of this. I think it's because depression always causes me to become very introspective (and I'm introspective in the first place), and all I really end up caring about are meaningful things. I can become quite irritated by run-of-the-mill conversations and topics.
The things already mentioned on this thread by others are true. I agree that it can be a mode of self-preservation, and also of an emergence of a more mature intellectual side.
I honestly thing many people grow past shallowness once they really experience struggle...it doesn't mean you're horrible, it just means you've developed a new perspective.

 

[pockleberry]

Yeah thankyou jbug you get exactly what I mean. I didn't know how to explain it but I think that's what it is, finding things shallow because of what I've experienced and wanting to care about meaningful things...thanks

 

[Judy02]

Yeah thankyou jbug you get exactly what I mean. I didn't know how to explain it but I think that's what it is, finding things shallow because of what I've experienced and wanting to care about meaningful things...thanks

Like everyone else has said, it can just be growing up, people and personalities changing etc, but I've been where you are hun

I think because I went through a difficult time, my mind was on bigger things, I was seeking out a stronger and deeper relationship with God to help me through this, and sometimes in comparison I felt a couple of my friends conversations and worries did seem quite shallow and fickle in comparison.

It doesn't necessarily make u horrible at all. It doesn't mean u don't care about them, but ur mind's on other things too. You've got different things to think about as different things are going on in your life etc. Hope ur feeling better tho, I wouldn't think you'd need to worry about it too much, most people probably get it at some point xx

 

[CrazyFool]

No. Finding people shallow isn't bad at all.

I've never been able to get along with one girl who my best friend has been hanging out with a lot .... and it's not just because she's been blowing me off to be with her all the time.... it's cuz I find her to be shallow! >.O I didn't even really like her all that much before she was friends with my best friend....

Argh... the teenage years are so very troublesome ...

 

[Bay]

You pose a good thought! I have thought this before too but you know what ? Everyone has different personalities and we get on well with certain types. You may think they are shallow but are they or are they just not opening up the way you want? it may be that we only show a portion of ourselves to some people.
By the way,I've been called shallow.

 

[.chrys.]

Bay makes an important point:

You may think they are shallow but are they or are they just not opening up the way you want?

Relationships are always based on past experiences. If a relationship never gets to the point where deeper bonds and trust are formed, the persons involved may seem to be shallow and uncaring about more meaningful subjects. They will tend to stick to the shallow, less-potentially-harmful topics and never go beyond just the surface.

It's such a shame that for whatever reason, we don't allow ourselves to be open to deeper relationships more often. Think of all the wonderful people we're missing out on when we close ourselves to being vulnerable.

When it comes right down to it, the fear of initimacy might be the very thing that causes depression in the first place.

Regards,
~Witness

 

[junezephyr]

Bay makes an important point:

Relationships are always based on past experiences. If a relationship never gets to the point where deeper bonds and trust are formed, the persons involved may seem to be shallow and uncaring about more meaningful subjects. They will tend to stick to the shallow, less-potentially-harmful topics and never go beyond just the surface.

It's such a shame that for whatever reason, we don't allow ourselves to be open to deeper relationships more often. Think of all the wonderful people we're missing out on when we close ourselves to being vulnerable.

When it comes right down to it, the fear of initimacy might be the very thing that causes depression in the first place.

Regards,
~Witness

That's a great point, Witness. From recent experience, I can definitely agree with you now that past experience will hinder someone from opening up in a new opportunity.
And it is a shame; there are so many beautiful personalities that go unappreciated because of this.
So many people live a withdrawn life in response to the hurt that they've experienced due to another's carelessness, but it can be so much better.

 

[pockleberry]

You guys all make good points, when I said that I find this person shallow it's not because I think she is so please don't think that I am just being mean about her or something it's just that the things we talk about seem so far away from the things I have to think about every day. I don't think she is not showing her full personality or anything like that but I can see how that could be true, I think it is because she has been lucky enough never to suffer from depression and so the main things she worries about is how she looks and what guy she should be going out with. There is nothing wrong with that it's just when you have been through depression and stuff you stop worrying about that stuff and having to think about how to get through each day...I guess I just felt bad that we've grown apart and needed to make sure that it wasn't my 'fault' so thanks for all the answers...

 

[junezephyr]

In general, people who've experienced depression just end up thinking about deeper, more pertinent issues. That's why we tend to get quieter .
It'll be okay.

 

[Judy02]

I think it is because she has been lucky enough never to suffer from depression and so the main things she worries about is how she looks and what guy she should be going out with. There is nothing wrong with that it's just when you have been through depression and stuff you stop worrying about that stuff and having to think about how to get through each day...

The exact same thing you've described happened to me. I've been concentrating on coping. She talks about guys, not liking being single, or what to do at the weekend.

I've found some people's worries petty in comparison. Those things alone aren't necessarily, but I do find her more shallow than I used to. And increasingly snobby but thats just my experience.

In all honesty, the experience of depression has caused me to think more deeply, look on the bright side, and to depend on God more, so its affected me spiritually. And all these things I used to worry about do seem silly in comparison to what I've been through since.

But yeah you're not alone. But I prefer the company of others now who have things more in perspective, know what its like to suffer, and like to think deeply, but just because its more like my personality too.

Definetely need a balance, but people who never think deeply about things, or about life's meaning, and are just concerned with everyday things and never anything else, do irritate me a bit, but its always been a bit that way. I wonder how people can be satisfied with just our materialistic world and don't wonder and desire anything bigger? That shallowness really does irritate me.

But yeah a similar experience has happened with someone I know at uni. So you're not alone. Saying that, she may have always been that way, I've just noticed it more since I've been down. Some housemates I lived with at uni, would get annoyed and have arguments about the most ridiculously petty things that actually, at the end of the day simply didn't matter. I couldn't be bothered getting involved with all their crap, and just shut myself away in my room sometimes much more concerned on how to get better, and to concentrate on things that mattered. (not on who forgot to take their laundry out of the washing machine for example).

Saying that, I have friends including non christians who aren't shallow, so yeah. Don't think u should feel bad for it. It may be God uses this for good.

 

[zefora]

You are not a horrible person!! I get anxiety listening to shallow people talk, it reminds me of bad things in my past But I feel sorry for those people, actually...