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Finding Myself

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redrockjunkie

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Aug 17, 2013
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Hey all. I'm new here so first off if this is the wrong place to post this please let me know.

For the past couple of years I had been going through a mental struggle. I've always struggled with talking with women and starting relationships. Even if there was a strong mutual attraction I would freeze up when I got around them. I would hardly be able to hold a conversation with them let alone initiate conversation or any form of socialization. Because of this (and for a majority of it and alcohol clouded mind) I began questioning my sexuality. After breaking myself down I began pursuing these new found thoughts. I began with simply talking to other homosexual men on instant messaging sites meant for homosexual men. After months of this I began to attempt meeting with homosexual men. I met with a few different men over the course of a year and ceased for months. Recently I began looking for women more intently than ever in hopes of eliminating any doubts I had about my sexuality. Dating websites, I found, are not a good place to do so. After being shot down and ignored I almost gave up hope when I found, a girl that wanted to get to know me and actually hang out. Well. She ended up being beautiful, intelligent, skilled in painting and music, and has an adventurous spirit. Well the shyness kicked in and I can't hold more than one conversion with her when I see her. Not to mention my inability to talk with her for any more than a few moments is clearly pushing her away. Bless her heart she's still sticking around (kind of...), but the fact that she is right there and yet miles out of reach drove me into a recent frenzy of homosexual pursuit again. Then finally last night after an encounter with a homosexual man it hit me like an atom bomb. I'm not a homosexual. The realization felt amazing!!! Like a weight had been lifted from me and I could soar to the highest height! Now I have a new fear. What if it all goes away and I'm right back to square one? I've believed I've kicked this a few times only for it to come back worse than before. I'm terrified it'll happen again. I feel I should know exactly how to stay away from it all and to keep a clear mind and stay on the path I need to. But for some reason I keep losing control, and I can't figure out why. So far I've kicked it for a day. But how do I build up my mind to keep it all at bay? What's causing me to slip so easily?
 
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Hey man, I definitely know what your talking about when that realization hits you. It's a great feeling isn't it? That sudden understanding of, "I don't have to do this. I don't have to live this way." I've definitely been there.

I would encourage you to open up to somebody in your life. I don't know what your situation is, whether or not the people around you know what you're going through mentally. But I have found it so incredibly helpful to have someone who knows everything, somebody who can keep me accountable for my thoughts and actions. It also eases the burden of feeling like you have to carry this by yourself. I have quite a number of people I've opened up to over the internet, and those guys constantly encourage me and push me to greater Christlikeness. But there's just something about at least one person in "real-life" who knows the real you that is so comforting.

Prayin' for you, man! Know that there are others of us just like you fighting the same struggle day after day.


James
 
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