Finally started getting help

[Godislove94]

Two weeks ago, I had my first counseling session through the free services offered at my university. My counselor is not a believer, but is very open to discussing faith issues. Both sessions were really heavy and the one last week in particular still has me crying.

Though I claim Borderline, this has been mostly a self diagnosis. While my therapist can't give me a for-sure diagnosis, she said that this isn't out of the realm of possibility given the trauma that I've been through in life so far. We talked about the self hate and self punishment/sabotage issues I have and finally figured out that I do the things I do because I see myself as being an extension of my abusive father and deserve all of those things. I wreck good things because in my mind, God sees the same thing I do and if I let myself have those things, He will punish me for taking them unworthily. Finally putting a name to that after years of trying to figure out what's wrong with me was a huge relief. I left the office that day crying to the point where I wanted to vomit and have cried for almost a week straight as 18 years of pent up emotion started coming out (I'm 23...the abuse started when I was 5).

But I'm still facing many issues. One of the things I struggle with now is wondering if the past two years were and are God's way of punishing me for a really bad mistake I made two years ago that shipwrecked my entire faith and walk right as it was getting started. If so, it doesn't seem fair because the only reason I made it was because I didn't want to get punished. But it seems God blames me for not believing enough. It's very hard for me to love Him and since it all happened, I've felt like there's no point in continuing on because I could having been, had and done so much more for Him if I'd only been brave enough. Instead, my journey came grinding to a halt and I missed His plan for my life. I can see why He'd want to punish me...

 

[Bluerose31]

Two weeks ago, I had my first counseling session through the free services offered at my university. My counselor is not a believer, but is very open to discussing faith issues. Both sessions were really heavy and the one last week in particular still has me crying.

Though I claim Borderline, this has been mostly a self diagnosis. While my therapist can't give me a for-sure diagnosis, she said that this isn't out of the realm of possibility given the trauma that I've been through in life so far. We talked about the self hate and self punishment/sabotage issues I have and finally figured out that I do the things I do because I see myself as being an extension of my abusive father and deserve all of those things. I wreck good things because in my mind, God sees the same thing I do and if I let myself have those things, He will punish me for taking them unworthily. Finally putting a name to that after years of trying to figure out what's wrong with me was a huge relief. I left the office that day crying to the point where I wanted to vomit and have cried for almost a week straight as 18 years of pent up emotion started coming out (I'm 23...the abuse started when I was 5).

But I'm still facing many issues. One of the things I struggle with now is wondering if the past two years were and are God's way of punishing me for a really bad mistake I made two years ago that shipwrecked my entire faith and walk right as it was getting started. If so, it doesn't seem fair because the only reason I made it was because I didn't want to get punished. But it seems God blames me for not believing enough. It's very hard for me to love Him and since it all happened, I've felt like there's no point in continuing on because I could having been, had and done so much more for Him if I'd only been brave enough. Instead, my journey came grinding to a halt and I missed His plan for my life. I can see why He'd want to punish me...

I self diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder as well. It is hard to be Borderline but God still loves you. Sometimes as a Borderline we want to punish ourselves when we aren't perfect. God does not require us to be perfect and he forgives us whenever we make a mistake. God loves you very much and I pray he comforts you.

 

[paul1149]

One of the things I struggle with now is wondering if the past two years were and are God's way of punishing me for a really bad mistake I made two years ago that shipwrecked my entire faith and walk right as it was getting started. If so, it doesn't seem fair because the only reason I made it was because I didn't want to get punished. But it seems God blames me for not believing enough. It's very hard for me to love Him and since it all happened, I've felt like there's no point in continuing on because I could having been, had and done so much more for Him if I'd only been brave enough. Instead, my journey came grinding to a halt and I missed His plan for my life. I can see why He'd want to punish me...

God does not want to punish you. James 1 tells us God will give wisdom, without reproaching. IOW, He won't "rub it in".

Paul says:

God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not reckoning their trespasses against them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. -2Cor 5:19​

And Hebrews adds:

Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever. Heb 13.8​

In your journey toward wholeness, the Lord is on your side, not against you. Jesus went to the cross to pay a price we never could. We simply do not have the ability. Therefore, He does not demand perfection of us now. He says, "Without Me, you can do nothing".

So purpose yourself to believe that nothing can separate you from the love of Christ Jesus. Give Romans 8 a careful read, which states that nothing ever could, and in which God promises to work everything for your good.

Once you see the kindness and gentleness of God, nothing will impede your love for Him, and that will be your strength as His power transforms you. Let Him love you where you're at. He wants to.

Blessings.

 

[Korean-American Christian]

Two weeks ago, I had my first counseling session through the free services offered at my university. My counselor is not a believer, but is very open to discussing faith issues. Both sessions were really heavy and the one last week in particular still has me crying.

Though I claim Borderline, this has been mostly a self diagnosis. While my therapist can't give me a for-sure diagnosis, she said that this isn't out of the realm of possibility given the trauma that I've been through in life so far. We talked about the self hate and self punishment/sabotage issues I have and finally figured out that I do the things I do because I see myself as being an extension of my abusive father and deserve all of those things. I wreck good things because in my mind, God sees the same thing I do and if I let myself have those things, He will punish me for taking them unworthily. Finally putting a name to that after years of trying to figure out what's wrong with me was a huge relief. I left the office that day crying to the point where I wanted to vomit and have cried for almost a week straight as 18 years of pent up emotion started coming out (I'm 23...the abuse started when I was 5).

But I'm still facing many issues. One of the things I struggle with now is wondering if the past two years were and are God's way of punishing me for a really bad mistake I made two years ago that shipwrecked my entire faith and walk right as it was getting started. If so, it doesn't seem fair because the only reason I made it was because I didn't want to get punished. But it seems God blames me for not believing enough. It's very hard for me to love Him and since it all happened, I've felt like there's no point in continuing on because I could having been, had and done so much more for Him if I'd only been brave enough. Instead, my journey came grinding to a halt and I missed His plan for my life. I can see why He'd want to punish me...

God is utterly delighted when He thinks about who you are.

God loves you.

God will never abandon you.