Fighting

[redblue22]

What are your worst fights you've been in with your spouse? What happened? How did things turn out? What can we singles learn from that?

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Over almost 20 years of marriage, there was only one "fight"...that one ended up with him in jail, charged with a variety of offenses including domestic violence. That one caused a whole lot of thinking, praying, counseling and reforming our marriage. Now, on the other side of it, our marriage is MUCH stronger.

 

[Brianlear]

I had many fights early on with my now wife. Mostly it revolved around her not knowing how to be a women/wife and submit when it needed to happen. She was very prideful. She would get ideas in her head about how to do something, and go ahead with it without any input whatsoever, and then be offended to the point of anger if anyone pointed it out. On my end, I was rigid in my thinking and just plain stubborn beyond reason. Not exactly the same as her, but another side of the same coin I would say. This led to some fairly cataclysmic conflicts. One time, we ended up in the car at midnight, having a fight, and we were driving on the highway. I was so angry that I just kept driving and would not stop the car until we resolved the conflict. I drove 200 miles, stopped the car in the middle of a corn field in the middle of nowhere, and told her I wasn't going anywhere until things were settled. I think we got it out of our system. The issue, essentially, was that she would not submit to me, and would not trust my judgement on important matters related to our relationship, preferring instead of go to her own family for advice on everything, with horrible results. I knew that if our relationship was going to survive, she would have to break with her family and trust me to lead us. She had to give her pride over to God and ask for help in getting rid of it. I had to do the same thing. We are now happily married, with a new baby, and life is good

 

[RedPonyDriver]

One time, we ended up in the car at midnight, having a fight, and we were driving on the highway. I was so angry that I just kept driving and would not stop the car until we resolved the conflict. I drove 200 miles, stopped the car in the middle of a corn field in the middle of nowhere, and told her I wasn't going anywhere until things were settled.

You do realize that is considered kidnapping and false imprisonment, right?

 

[Brianlear]

Call it whatever you want. We resolved the conflict and moved on. This is a thread for singles wondering about conflicts in relationships. I told my story, I have nothing to hide. What is your goal in applying legal language to my story?

 

[OK Jeff]

When we first got married, she was very selfish. She treated me like a servant with a paycheck. We never attended any of my family functions but never missed any of hers. Sex was when she wanted it only and usually pretty like warm. Then I'd get a monthly "do better" talk that would go on for hours without I said a word. Finally I packed a bag and left for a couple of months. She came back begging and had a new attitude. Now I was a selfish jerk. I treated her worse than she treated me for a longer period of time. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and we fought often. Finally she was ready to leave and a balance was found. The last five years has been true compromise and support along with deep spiritual growth on both our parts.

 

[DZoolander]

The biggest thing that singles ought understand about fights - IMHO - is that there are no bonus points/cookies to be given for staying in a bad relationship. If you are single - that means you have license to leave. Dating is not "marriage-lite", nor is engagement (really). You have no obligation to stay, and if you find yourself having lots of problems before you're even married, that should be a sign to go.

Unfortunately, as a society we've cultivated this belief that learning to stick with things, or work through things, is a worthwhile goal. While that's true a LOT of the time, it's not an absolute truth. The kind of stuff you should know how to work through is "hey, our point of view on what time bedtime for the kids ought be differs", or "our point of view on a subject differs". Yes, under those types of circumstances, absolutely, learn to talk things over and work things out.

But then you get crap like "he beats me", "we berate each other" or "she cheats on me". Sorry, but IMHO if you're just dating, it's high time to leave. Unfortunately though I see a lot of people that stick together like they're already married - and see it as some badge of honor that they worked things out. In a sense, it's like they're married again and again with all of the duties and obligations of marriage to a whole bunch of people, until finally one sticks.

Don't do that. That's what I think singles ought understand. lol