Hi everyone,
I was diagnosed 2012 that I am mentally ill. The diagnoses include PTSD, but also BPD, depression and social phobia. Each day is a new struggle, fighting and pushing through the inner torture I have to endure. Flashbacks, dissociating, crisises which include needing a medication to be able to calm down, locking myself up in my room that I refuse to leave for a while are what I have to deal with more often since the last weeks. I can feel my mental illnesses getting more present, and this scares me a lot.
However, I refuse to give in. I always get up and continue to fight. And I find the strength to do this in our Lord Jesus Christ.
Often it feels like I am alone, but deep inside my heart, I know that Jesus is with me. I just can't feel it the last days. I feel like a total failure and am scared that Jesus doesn't love me anymore because I have done so much wrong in my life. Don't get me wrong; I love Him with all my heart and I do what I can to follow Him. Still, there are so many opportunities I missed to do what He wanted me to.
I don't know why, but I am not angry at those who hurt me so deeply that it cut inside my soul and that I have the illnesses mentioned above, nor do I hate them. When I was a child, I didn't understand, but I prayed for those who hurt me and who made me go through indescribable inner torture. I still pray for them. Now I think that this is Christ in me. Maybe I'm wrong, but this thought gives me solace and comfort which I often cannot seem to find.
Jesus gives me so much strength and also much love for others. A few years ago, my grandmother who loves Christ with everything she has (just like I do) showed me a verse in the bible that says 'love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you'. Then it all made sense. All the time, I was praying for them, and I didn't know why.
Right now, I have to go through inner hell - I can't find a term that is more fitting - and I hope that it will get better someday. I made it through so much, and I will make it through this as well. Not alone, but with Jesus holding me tight and walking besides me.
Blessings and lots of love!
- Solvej
I was diagnosed 2012 that I am mentally ill. The diagnoses include PTSD, but also BPD, depression and social phobia. Each day is a new struggle, fighting and pushing through the inner torture I have to endure. Flashbacks, dissociating, crisises which include needing a medication to be able to calm down, locking myself up in my room that I refuse to leave for a while are what I have to deal with more often since the last weeks. I can feel my mental illnesses getting more present, and this scares me a lot.
However, I refuse to give in. I always get up and continue to fight. And I find the strength to do this in our Lord Jesus Christ.
Often it feels like I am alone, but deep inside my heart, I know that Jesus is with me. I just can't feel it the last days. I feel like a total failure and am scared that Jesus doesn't love me anymore because I have done so much wrong in my life. Don't get me wrong; I love Him with all my heart and I do what I can to follow Him. Still, there are so many opportunities I missed to do what He wanted me to.
I don't know why, but I am not angry at those who hurt me so deeply that it cut inside my soul and that I have the illnesses mentioned above, nor do I hate them. When I was a child, I didn't understand, but I prayed for those who hurt me and who made me go through indescribable inner torture. I still pray for them. Now I think that this is Christ in me. Maybe I'm wrong, but this thought gives me solace and comfort which I often cannot seem to find.
Jesus gives me so much strength and also much love for others. A few years ago, my grandmother who loves Christ with everything she has (just like I do) showed me a verse in the bible that says 'love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you'. Then it all made sense. All the time, I was praying for them, and I didn't know why.
Right now, I have to go through inner hell - I can't find a term that is more fitting - and I hope that it will get better someday. I made it through so much, and I will make it through this as well. Not alone, but with Jesus holding me tight and walking besides me.
Blessings and lots of love!
- Solvej
