Fiance not virgin w\ a twist... How should I handle?

[Fireflies]

**Note: I'm not holding his past sin against him as he wasn't saved at the time. That's not the issue.

-I am mostly a virgin (experienced abuse in the past). He is not.
-He's been engaged twice before. I have never.
-He lived with his last fiance for over a year. Moving in with someone I was dating/courting never happened.
...
-He chose his last fiance over me. I knew her as a friend before they came out as a couple. She was loudmouth about her extensive sexual past and some of the things she did for him.

....While I have been working on forgiving him for choosing someone else, I've been secretly working on trying to heal the brokenness inside of me regarding their sexual past.

True, deep down, we all want to go into marriage as whole and unburdened as possible. But, I know this world makes that impossible. How do I let Jesus erase the pain of knowing what I know?
How can I stop feeling "less than"? It's like being in stage at a talent competition for an audience of one, to put it gently. You've never stepped in stage before but the act ahead of you pretty much out on the whole show- and you KNOW IT!

I want to get over it. I want to move forward. Jesus IS the only answer but HOW? How do I let Him heal my mind, my heart & my selfish desire to erase her existence from HIS mind?

***Most important note: I love him deeply. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to make this work - I would have said, "Adios & God speed! You choose me or you lose me!" Ha. But as Christ forgave me, I desire to forgive him.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

**Note: I'm not holding his past sin against him as he wasn't saved at the time. That's not the issue.

-I am mostly a virgin (experienced abuse in the past). He is not.
-He's been engaged twice before. I have never.
-He lived with his last fiance for over a year. Moving in with someone I was dating/courting never happened.
...
-He chose his last fiance over me. I knew her as a friend before they came out as a couple. She was loudmouth about her extensive sexual past and some of the things she did for him.

....While I have been working on forgiving him for choosing someone else, I've been secretly working on trying to heal the brokenness inside of me regarding their sexual past.

True, deep down, we all want to go into marriage as whole and unburdened as possible. But, I know this world makes that impossible. How do I let Jesus erase the pain of knowing what I know?
How can I stop feeling "less than"? It's like being in stage at a talent competition for an audience of one, to put it gently. You've never stepped in stage before but the act ahead of you pretty much out on the whole show- and you KNOW IT!

I want to get over it. I want to move forward. Jesus IS the only answer but HOW? How do I let Him heal my mind, my heart & my selfish desire to erase her existence from HIS mind?

***Most important note: I love him deeply. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to make this work - I would have said, "Adios & God speed! You choose me or you lose me!" Ha. But as Christ forgave me, I desire to forgive him.

Well, you are not planning to marry Jesus, the only sinless Person ever. So, what are you expecting of him? And, what is he expecting of you? ... because he won't be marrying the virgin Mary!

 

[Sketcher]

**Note: I'm not holding his past sin against him as he wasn't saved at the time. That's not the issue.

-I am mostly a virgin (experienced abuse in the past). He is not.
-He's been engaged twice before. I have never.
-He lived with his last fiance for over a year. Moving in with someone I was dating/courting never happened.
...
-He chose his last fiance over me. I knew her as a friend before they came out as a couple. She was loudmouth about her extensive sexual past and some of the things she did for him.

....While I have been working on forgiving him for choosing someone else, I've been secretly working on trying to heal the brokenness inside of me regarding their sexual past.

True, deep down, we all want to go into marriage as whole and unburdened as possible. But, I know this world makes that impossible. How do I let Jesus erase the pain of knowing what I know?
How can I stop feeling "less than"? It's like being in stage at a talent competition for an audience of one, to put it gently. You've never stepped in stage before but the act ahead of you pretty much out on the whole show- and you KNOW IT!

I want to get over it. I want to move forward. Jesus IS the only answer but HOW? How do I let Him heal my mind, my heart & my selfish desire to erase her existence from HIS mind?

***Most important note: I love him deeply. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to make this work - I would have said, "Adios & God speed! You choose me or you lose me!" Ha. But as Christ forgave me, I desire to forgive him.

Was his relationship with her getting back together with her after a while, or for the first time? After he got together with her, how did that end? And you two weren't dating when they got together, were you?

 

[Fireflies]

Well, you are not planning to marry Jesus, the only sinless Person ever. So, what are you expecting of him? And, what is he expecting of you? ... because he won't be marrying the virgin Mary!

I think I'm trying to understand your reply (thank you for it), but I may be misunderstanding you.
It' s not about him sinning. Never was. While I don't care too much that he's not a virgin, I care more about his past relationship with his past fiancee, since I knew her & what they've done together. Ew.

Would you feel confident if your fiance had chosen another man over you, one of your friends, & this man had bragged to you how wild his exploits with her was? And yet, now you are marrying this woman as a virgin.
That's what I'm facing. It's low self esteem & feeling like I'm sweeping up the popcorn after the movie credits have rolled, but I didn't see the film.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Most important note: I love him deeply. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to make this work - I would have said, "Adios & God speed! You choose me or you lose me!" Ha. But as Christ forgave me, I desire to forgive him.

More important note: As a believer, you cannot have him. He is past, gone, history, no future. Don't try to "make it work".
Then you will have peace in Christ Jesus our Lord and our Savior.

 

[Fireflies]

Was his relationship with her getting back together with her after a while, or for the first time? After he got together with her, how did that end? And you two weren't dating when they got together, were you?

Good questions, thank you for replying.
1). First time they had dated.
2.) The grace of God got a hold of him & he couldn't live in sin anymore. It's actually very beautiful testimony.
3.) We weren't dating when they got together, but he was a huge flirt (and always did, even while they were together & engaged) for a guy who never flirted & was an introvert. It shocked everyone who knew us to find out he was hiding their relationship.

I know it's a personal hang up of mine but it's finding out the "how" in letting go is why I'm posting.

 

[Sketcher]

2.) The grace of God got a hold of him & he couldn't live in sin anymore. It's actually very beautiful testimony.

So in other words, he left her. And somewhere along the way, he chose you. How much time had passed between him leaving her and him popping the question to you?

3.) We weren't dating when they got together, but he was a huge flirt (and always did, even while they were together & engaged) for a guy who never flirted & was an introvert. It shocked everyone who knew us to find out he was hiding their relationship.

So, he was flirty with other women when they were together. Does he still do that now that he's with you? If so, do you want to live with that for the rest of your life?

 

[Fireflies]

So in other words, he left her. And somewhere along the way, he chose you. How much time had passed between him leaving her and him popping the question to you?

So, he was flirty with other women when they were together. Does he still do that now that he's with you? If so, do you want to live with that for the rest of your life?

I'll answer the second one first. He only flirted with me, and I'm not making that up to suit myself. There were plenty of witnesses. It was a pretty crushing betrayal when it happened, or rather, felt as such.

But your first question got me to pause. I'm aware of the time frame between his last relationship and, it wasn't very long. That is something else that I've been working on that ties into this situation. I suppose, it only prolongs the feeling that I'm sweeping up the leftovers.

Hmm... perhaps I've been praying the wrong prayers. I've been trying to pray that God helps me to heal & forgive as Christ did for me. But... Maybe we aren't ready for marriage, though it's not being planned as a shotgun wedding or anything.

...Hmm, God had given confirmation that I should marry him through prayer & fasting. I simply thought it was a test & a trial to become more like Jesus. Maybe the answers yes, but not yet.

Wow, I didn't expect to come to this conclusion over a few discussion posts online!

Thank you for helping me! I have a lot to pray/think about.

 

[Sketcher]

I'll answer the second one first. He only flirted with me, and I'm not making that up to suit myself. There were plenty of witnesses. It was a pretty crushing betrayal when it happened, or rather, felt as such.

But your first question got me to pause. I'm aware of the time frame between his last relationship and, it wasn't very long. That is something else that I've been working on that ties into this situation. I suppose, it only prolongs the feeling that I'm sweeping up the leftovers.

Hmm... perhaps I've been praying the wrong prayers. I've been trying to pray that God helps me to heal & forgive as Christ did for me. But... Maybe we aren't ready for marriage, though it's not being planned as a shotgun wedding or anything.

...Hmm, God had given confirmation that I should marry him through prayer & fasting. I simply thought it was a test & a trial to become more like Jesus. Maybe the answers yes, but not yet.

Wow, I didn't expect to come to this conclusion over a few discussion posts online!

Thank you for helping me! I have a lot to pray/think about.

So, to understand - he was together with her, but flirted with you, and you felt that was a betrayal of her?

You say it wasn't very long since he left her and asked you to marry him. Are we talking about weeks? A few months? How do you know that he is over her and doesn't flirt with other women besides you? What are your friends and family telling you about the relationship? What would they tell you if they knew what you have told us, if they don't know it yet?

Maybe you should marry him, maybe you shouldn't, I'm just trying to help you sort this out.

 

[eleos1954]

**Note: I'm not holding his past sin against him as he wasn't saved at the time. That's not the issue.

-I am mostly a virgin (experienced abuse in the past). He is not.
-He's been engaged twice before. I have never.
-He lived with his last fiance for over a year. Moving in with someone I was dating/courting never happened.
...
-He chose his last fiance over me. I knew her as a friend before they came out as a couple. She was loudmouth about her extensive sexual past and some of the things she did for him.

....While I have been working on forgiving him for choosing someone else, I've been secretly working on trying to heal the brokenness inside of me regarding their sexual past.

True, deep down, we all want to go into marriage as whole and unburdened as possible. But, I know this world makes that impossible. How do I let Jesus erase the pain of knowing what I know?
How can I stop feeling "less than"? It's like being in stage at a talent competition for an audience of one, to put it gently. You've never stepped in stage before but the act ahead of you pretty much out on the whole show- and you KNOW IT!

I want to get over it. I want to move forward. Jesus IS the only answer but HOW? How do I let Him heal my mind, my heart & my selfish desire to erase her existence from HIS mind?

***Most important note: I love him deeply. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to make this work - I would have said, "Adios & God speed! You choose me or you lose me!" Ha. But as Christ forgave me, I desire to forgive him.

I think maybe give it some more time and prayer and see if you are able to get past it. Have you talked to him about it?

 

[Monk Brendan]

**Note: I'm not holding his past sin against him as he wasn't saved at the time. That's not the issue.

-I am mostly a virgin (experienced abuse in the past). He is not.
-He's been engaged twice before. I have never.
-He lived with his last fiance for over a year. Moving in with someone I was dating/courting never happened.
...
-He chose his last fiance over me. I knew her as a friend before they came out as a couple. She was loudmouth about her extensive sexual past and some of the things she did for him.

....While I have been working on forgiving him for choosing someone else, I've been secretly working on trying to heal the brokenness inside of me regarding their sexual past.

True, deep down, we all want to go into marriage as whole and unburdened as possible. But, I know this world makes that impossible. How do I let Jesus erase the pain of knowing what I know?
How can I stop feeling "less than"? It's like being in stage at a talent competition for an audience of one, to put it gently. You've never stepped in stage before but the act ahead of you pretty much out on the whole show- and you KNOW IT!

I want to get over it. I want to move forward. Jesus IS the only answer but HOW? How do I let Him heal my mind, my heart & my selfish desire to erase her existence from HIS mind?

***Most important note: I love him deeply. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to make this work - I would have said, "Adios & God speed! You choose me or you lose me!" Ha. But as Christ forgave me, I desire to forgive him.

You have no control over your ex's mind, so stop thinking you do.

Make an act of the will to forgive both of them, then pray that your emotions will catch up with what you have done.

Christ is born! Glorify Him!

 

[Jeshu]

Yes i can understand how this is a big deal for you but please remember Jesus can overcome this for you as well. Forgiving involves loving someone from the heart. The truth is if you love him from the heart and then you marry him then no other woman can beat your performance loving your man, for you are from God, who is love Himself, and your future husband is going to know that.

So build on genuine love and leave unfaithful times behind. Don't invite them into your happiness. Sure you wont forget but to not let it harm your relationship is the way to go about it. It is not wise to let your low self esteem rob you from your prize that is why it is best to build your self esteem in and with Christ and not on your own performances. Please endeavour to be faithful to Jesus and He will shape you into the wife your future husband needs. Guaranteed!

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I think I'm trying to understand your reply (thank you for it), but I may be misunderstanding you.
It' s not about him sinning. Never was. While I don't care too much that he's not a virgin, I care more about his past relationship with his past fiancee, since I knew her & what they've done together. Ew.

Would you feel confident if your fiance had chosen another man over you, one of your friends, & this man had bragged to you how wild his exploits with her was? And yet, now you are marrying this woman as a virgin.
That's what I'm facing. It's low self esteem & feeling like I'm sweeping up the popcorn after the movie credits have rolled, but I didn't see the film.

I think it is because we sometimes have too higher expectations of the person we are planning to marry. We will never find the perfect partner, because whoever you marry will have faults and failings, in their past life and the present.

Maybe his fault is that he is not discrete about his past relationships. This is where you have to put your foot down and say that if he wants to marry you, he has to never mention any of his past relationships again. That's what I promised my wife, and the matter was settled. He may not realise how sensitive you women are about these things, whereas my wife talks about her previous husband from time to time (she was widowed) and it doesn't worry me at all.

He has to realise that if he is engaged to you then he has to abandon all his other relationships, even to speak of them. Frankly, you don't want to know about them in the least!

 

[Sabertooth]

People, here, are going to hesitate to give you your requested advice as long as your gender goes undeclared.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

People, here, are going to hesitate to give you your requested advice as long as your gender goes undeclared.

She refers to her fiance as male, who is speaking about his previous relationship with a woman. That might give you a clue...

 

[Sabertooth]

That might give you a clue...

We know the fiance's gender and that of his ex, but we can't take the OP's for granted (at least, some of us can't).

 

[Sam91]

There are so many red flags here.

I was not long ago talking about mistakes I made misreading God's will. Take time, lots of it. Keep Christ central to your life. Hopefully brain chemicals might die down and you might see more clearly which way to go.

 

[Andrew77]

**Note: I'm not holding his past sin against him as he wasn't saved at the time. That's not the issue.

-I am mostly a virgin (experienced abuse in the past). He is not.
-He's been engaged twice before. I have never.
-He lived with his last fiance for over a year. Moving in with someone I was dating/courting never happened.
...
-He chose his last fiance over me. I knew her as a friend before they came out as a couple. She was loudmouth about her extensive sexual past and some of the things she did for him.

....While I have been working on forgiving him for choosing someone else, I've been secretly working on trying to heal the brokenness inside of me regarding their sexual past.

True, deep down, we all want to go into marriage as whole and unburdened as possible. But, I know this world makes that impossible. How do I let Jesus erase the pain of knowing what I know?
How can I stop feeling "less than"? It's like being in stage at a talent competition for an audience of one, to put it gently. You've never stepped in stage before but the act ahead of you pretty much out on the whole show- and you KNOW IT!

I want to get over it. I want to move forward. Jesus IS the only answer but HOW? How do I let Him heal my mind, my heart & my selfish desire to erase her existence from HIS mind?

***Most important note: I love him deeply. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to make this work - I would have said, "Adios & God speed! You choose me or you lose me!" Ha. But as Christ forgave me, I desire to forgive him.

I'm assuming you are a woman. You know what the phrase "a woman's intuition" refers to.

There is something in the back of your mind that is ringing warning bells to you, that there is a problem. But you are trying to label those warning signals as "low self esteem", and asking how to overcome it.

There is no way to overcome it. G-d gave you this ability, to warn you of danger. If there was a way, I wouldn't give it to you.

I have carefully read everything you have posted here. You have asked an honest and sincere question, and I am giving you an honest and sincere response... even though I know you are not going to like it, and you will likely hate it. Perhaps you will even hate me for saying it.

This is a bad man.
Everything you have posted here, paints a picture of a bad man.

He was living with, and screwing a woman, he was not married to.
He was engaged, and was hiding this from people, to continue being a playboy.
He was flirting with you, while engaged to another woman, and living with her.
He was doing disgusting things with this woman, that you shouldn't do even with a wife.
He started going after you, in a short time, after ditching a woman he was engaged with.

Read all that.... am I missing something here? Nothing here is good. Don't explain all this away. Look at it, and see it for what it is.

If I can be so bold with you... for just a moment. Pretend. I don't know how old you are. But I'm getting up there in years. Pretend I have a daughter, a young woman named Fireflies, and she wants a husband.

Daughter.... everything he did to that other woman.... he can do to you. Everything that he did.... with you... he can do.... to you. Do you understand daughter?

If he can break off an engagement with a woman, and turn right around and jump into a relationship with you.... he can break off an engagement with you, and jump into a relationship with someone else. And he's already done it twice.

Daughter.... this is a bad man. I'm so sorry that you got wrapped up in this. I'm sorry I can't wipe away the tears, but this is a bad relationship. I've seen it daughter. I have seen women get with guys exactly like this, and then they end up in a hurricane of pain and suffering.

Get away from this man, daughter. Please do not pursue this relationship. Cry, and weep if you must, but don't keep ignoring that G-d given woman's intuition, and end up with this bad man. It's there to protect you from a far worse pain if you end up with this guy.

That's all I can offer, daughter. I wish you the best.

 

[Sparagmos]

We know the fiance's gender and that of his ex, but we can't take the OP's for granted (at least, some of us can't).

Why not? Why is this an issue?

 

[Sabertooth]

Why is this an issue?

Within the rules of Christian Forums, many here would be happy to offer wisdom for a woman's romantic relationship with a man, if asked. Or vice-versa.

Fewer of us would be as happy to facilitate a man's "romantic" relationship with another man. Some have tried that here before, by obscuring their gender (for that purpose).