Female inappropriate content addiction, can't stop

[sdk80]

I don't know how to start this other than I think my inappropriate content addiction is causing a great deal of anxiety and emotional upheaval in my life. It's a sin that I keep reverting to, no matter how many times I pray for forgiveness and promise not to do it again. Just doing quick browse of this board, it looks like inappropriate content addiction is the #1 struggle here, but it's hard to find women struggling with it.

It started when I was around 16 and inappropriate content was becoming pervasive on the internet. Finding erotic fiction online was fairly easy, and my parents accidentally caught me reading it one day. I wasn't at the computer, but I'd forgotten to close out the window, and I was the only who'd been home using the computer. I fiercely denied it had been me, and tried to make some excuse about a spam site coming up. They dropped it and I didn't get in trouble, but I think they knew the truth.

Soon I discovered inappropriate contentographic pictures and videos, and even stole my parent's credit card once to sign up for a inappropriate content site. It had a free trial, so I made sure to cancel the subscription before their card was charged and it showed up on their statement. Eventually, I got my own credit card and signed up. Then sites like inappropriate contenthub came along, and suddenly everything was free, more plentiful, and easier to access.

To this day I switch up between erotic fiction online, video, and audio inappropriate content...whatever I'm in the mood for. It's desensitized me to sex, to foul language, and I've used it to replace a real relationship. In fact, I've never been intimate with another person, even though I crave that closeness. There are other issues that have affected my choice to remain single, so I think I've been relying on inappropriate content to provide that stimulation that I'm lacking in reality.

Part of me tries to justify it with being single. Married people and people in relationships can rely on one another for sexual stimulation, and it's almost impossible to achieve with basically no external source. However, I know the Bible is against lust and God intended sex to be shared within marriage...which is why I've not actually had sex with another person. Despite everything else, I'm still a virgin. That's really hard to admit at 39.

I can remember being instinctively fascinated with "sex" even as early as 4 years old. I had no idea what sex was until I was around 11 or 12, but you know how kids get curious and experiment. Well, that happened with other kids my age. It was all innocent, but I remember having lots of thoughts and desires as a kid skewed towards things of a sexual nature. I never had any adults abuse me or molest me, and none of the adults I was around would have ever approved of some of the stuff us kids did - even if we never went THAT far with things.

So here I am 20+ years later still stuck in a inappropriate contentography addiction. Every time I reach for my phone when I'm in the mood, I know I'm sinning and I know I promised God I wouldn't keep doing this. I know I'll feel bad about it later, and I'm afraid of punishment from God for continuing this sin. One thing I don't know is what to do about it. It's almost like I don't want to give it up because then I'll be forced to either be alone, or face the terrifying prospect of having to find a real partner. Today's been awful. I've felt anxious and depressed all day, which isn't uncommon after indulging in this addiction.

 

[splish- splash]

How much time do you spend in God's word and in prayer? Get yourself into a routine everyday of meditating on the word. Even if its just one verse per day, it will do.

 

[Michie]

Have you seen this forum?
https://www.christianforums.com/forums/womens-discussion-women-only.47/

If you can’t get in, contact staff. Prayers for you.

 

[Darkhorse]

You might look into mychainsaregone.org

The site operator is a member here, and he's not a "goody-goody"; he's realistic.

 

[bèlla]

Admitting the problem is the hardest part and you've done that. And you're aware it's contrary to your well-being and God's will. Now, let's look at the positives for a moment. You've sated yourself with inappropriate content for a long time without crossing the line. Many would seek an opportunity to act them out. Give yourself credit for holding back.

Now you must consider what you're drawn to. Look for themes. Is the culprit the intimacy, perversion, or a combination of the two? Compare that against your fantasies. You have to unpack them to determine what you're really after.

For example, if you yearn to feel safe and cared for you may gravitate to content emphasizing control. Because she's in his grasp and unable to escape. Permanency is what you're craving most of all.

Once you have an idea of your weaknesses you need to determine the triggers. Pay attention to your thoughts and moods when the desire strikes. Look for patterns and head them off with scripture, prayer, and sermons. You have replace inappropriate contentography with edifying materials.

That begins with prayer and patience. It won't go away overnight. You have to speak to the desire out loud. Say, I want a husband. I want to be loved. I want his pleasure and satisfaction. Not my own. My body belongs to God and my spouse. I don't have the right to misuse it.

You need accountability. Are you in a church? You need prayer partners and mature Christian women walking beside you. This can be overcome. There is life beyond it. Don't despair. I recommend anti-inappropriate content programs and apps as well.

~Bella

 

[Dansiph]

I don't know how to start this other than I think my inappropriate content addiction is causing a great deal of anxiety and emotional upheaval in my life. It's a sin that I keep reverting to, no matter how many times I pray for forgiveness and promise not to do it again. Just doing quick browse of this board, it looks like inappropriate content addiction is the #1 struggle here, but it's hard to find women struggling with it.

It started when I was around 16 and inappropriate content was becoming pervasive on the internet. Finding erotic fiction online was fairly easy, and my parents accidentally caught me reading it one day. I wasn't at the computer, but I'd forgotten to close out the window, and I was the only who'd been home using the computer. I fiercely denied it had been me, and tried to make some excuse about a spam site coming up. They dropped it and I didn't get in trouble, but I think they knew the truth.

Soon I discovered inappropriate contentographic pictures and videos, and even stole my parent's credit card once to sign up for a inappropriate content site. It had a free trial, so I made sure to cancel the subscription before their card was charged and it showed up on their statement. Eventually, I got my own credit card and signed up. Then sites like inappropriate contenthub came along, and suddenly everything was free, more plentiful, and easier to access.

To this day I switch up between erotic fiction online, video, and audio inappropriate content...whatever I'm in the mood for. It's desensitized me to sex, to foul language, and I've used it to replace a real relationship. In fact, I've never been intimate with another person, even though I crave that closeness. There are other issues that have affected my choice to remain single, so I think I've been relying on inappropriate content to provide that stimulation that I'm lacking in reality.

Part of me tries to justify it with being single. Married people and people in relationships can rely on one another for sexual stimulation, and it's almost impossible to achieve with basically no external source. However, I know the Bible is against lust and God intended sex to be shared within marriage...which is why I've not actually had sex with another person. Despite everything else, I'm still a virgin. That's really hard to admit at 39.

I can remember being instinctively fascinated with "sex" even as early as 4 years old. I had no idea what sex was until I was around 11 or 12, but you know how kids get curious and experiment. Well, that happened with other kids my age. It was all innocent, but I remember having lots of thoughts and desires as a kid skewed towards things of a sexual nature. I never had any adults abuse me or molest me, and none of the adults I was around would have ever approved of some of the stuff us kids did - even if we never went THAT far with things.

So here I am 20+ years later still stuck in a inappropriate contentography addiction. Every time I reach for my phone when I'm in the mood, I know I'm sinning and I know I promised God I wouldn't keep doing this. I know I'll feel bad about it later, and I'm afraid of punishment from God for continuing this sin. One thing I don't know is what to do about it. It's almost like I don't want to give it up because then I'll be forced to either be alone, or face the terrifying prospect of having to find a real partner. Today's been awful. I've felt anxious and depressed all day, which isn't uncommon after indulging in this addiction.

I don't really know of any resources geared towards women with this issue but I did see a book mentioned in a blog post recently. It's called Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker and as you probably have guessed is aimed at men but it could be helpful? Worth a try in my opinion. A lot of the information is probably useful for men and women. It's about "the vital issue of sexual temptation and specifically deals with inappropriate contentography". Hope it helps!

 

[Christian Sonic Fan]

I don't really know if this is any helpful advice, but I always heard that the nuns would always splash cold water on their faces so they didn't think about doing that sort of stuff. I don't necessarily know if that will help but that is what they do to make them snap out of the thought. I struggle with this sort of thing as well and I have no solutions. The only solution that I've found was jumping in the cold creek with water than runs from the mountains. That water is ice cold!!! Any previous dirty thoughts go away because your breath is taken away just about.

I'm sorry I can't help.

 

[sdk80]

How much time do you spend in God's word and in prayer? Get yourself into a routine everyday of meditating on the word. Even if its just one verse per day, it will do.

I usually don't. I grew up in church and was there every Sunday and Wednesday, and volunteered there during the week. But when I turned 17, I started doubting faith/Christianity and the church didn't satisfy the answers I was looking for. They basically expected you to believe everything because they said so. College classes only fueled this as I was exposed to other worldviews, and it's something I've never fully recovered from. I was agnostic for a long time and withdrew from the church. In more recent years, I've had some things happen in my life that I felt were God proving his existence to me. So I'm at that point where I believe in God, but my relationship with him has taken a huge beating. The inappropriate content addiction only makes it worse. I've had a very hard time going to church (not that any of us have gone in recent months), and devotions feel like a chore. They also feel shallow. The only time I ever genuinely reach for God is if I'm having a crisis and need help...which happens when you have panic attacks and anxiety. I don't know how to fix my relationship to God.

 

[sdk80]

I don't really know of any resources geared towards women with this issue but I did see a book mentioned in a blog post recently. It's called Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker and as you probably have guessed is aimed at men but it could be helpful? Worth a try in my opinion. A lot of the information is probably useful for men and women. It's about "the vital issue of sexual temptation and specifically deals with inappropriate contentography". Hope it helps!

Thanks, I've seen that title around before. I'll check it out.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

I've used it to replace a real relationship.






In fact, I've never been intimate with another person, even though I crave that closeness. There are other issues that have affected my choice to remain single, so I think I've been relying on inappropriate content to provide that stimulation that I'm lacking in reality.

Part of me tries to justify it with being single. Married people and people in relationships can rely on one another for sexual stimulation, and it's almost impossible to achieve with basically no external source. However, I know the Bible is against lust and God intended sex to be shared within marriage...which is why I've not actually had sex with another person. Despite everything else, I'm still a virgin. That's really hard to admit at 39.

I can remember being instinctively fascinated with "sex" even as early as 4 years old. I had no idea what sex was until I was around 11 or 12, but you know how kids get curious and experiment. Well, that happened with other kids my age. It was all innocent, but I remember having lots of thoughts and desires as a kid skewed towards things of a sexual nature. I never had any adults abuse me or molest me, and none of the adults I was around would have ever approved of some of the stuff us kids did - even if we never went THAT far with things.

So here I am 20+ years later still stuck in a inappropriate contentography addiction. Every time I reach for my phone when I'm in the mood, I know I'm sinning and I know I promised God I wouldn't keep doing this. I know I'll feel bad about it later, and I'm afraid of punishment from God for continuing this sin. One thing I don't know is what to do about it. It's almost like I don't want to give it up because then I'll be forced to either be alone, or face the terrifying prospect of having to find a real partner. Today's been awful. I've felt anxious and depressed all day, which isn't uncommon after indulging in this addiction.

inappropriate content encourages and produces lust.
In time they say that it kills the ability to love.
I believe that.
Flee quickly so as to protect your life and soul.
M

 

[RaymondG]

I don't know how to fix my relationship to God.

The only thing broken, is your perception of God and His love.

Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more.

 

[sdk80]

Admitting the problem is the hardest part and you've done that. And you're aware it's contrary to your well-being and God's will. Now, let's look at the positives for a moment. You've sated yourself with inappropriate content for a long time without crossing the line. Many would seek an opportunity to act them out. Give yourself credit for holding back.

Now you must consider what you're drawn to. Look for themes. Is the culprit the intimacy, perversion, or a combination of the two? Compare that against your fantasies. You have to unpack them to determine what you're really after.

For example, if you yearn to feel safe and cared for you may gravitate to content emphasizing control. Because she's in his grasp and unable to escape. Permanency is what you're craving most of all.

Once you have an idea of your weaknesses you need to determine the triggers. Pay attention to your thoughts and moods when the desire strikes. Look for patterns and head them off with scripture, prayer, and sermons. You have replace inappropriate contentography with edifying materials.

That begins with prayer and patience. It won't go away overnight. You have to speak to the desire out loud. Say, I want a husband. I want to be loved. I want his pleasure and satisfaction. Not my own. My body belongs to God and my spouse. I don't have the right to misuse it.

You need accountability. Are you in a church? You need prayer partners and mature Christian women walking beside you. This can be overcome. There is life beyond it. Don't despair. I recommend anti-inappropriate content programs and apps as well.

~Bella

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I replied to someone else on this thread explaining my relationship with the church/Christianity, but basically I've struggled with my faith and find it hard to regularly attend church.

One thing you touched on that struck a chord with me is "I want a husband." That may be the problem. I mentioned that I have other issues that have kept me from real intimacy, and that issue is I've struggled with my sexual identity all my life. I've always wanted to be male, and since I can't ever achieve that in reality, I've avoided romance. The weird thing is I'm attracted to men, but also want to be one...it's complicated. So I just realized that I've been using inappropriate content as a coping mechanism in a way. It's a way for me to channel my fantasies and desires that I can never have in real life because of this identity issue. If I was comfortable being a woman and being in a relationship with a man, I probably would have been married a while ago.

 

[sdk80]

You might look into mychainsaregone.org

The site operator is a member here, and he's not a "goody-goody"; he's realistic.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

 

[sdk80]

Have you seen this forum?
https://www.christianforums.com/forums/womens-discussion-women-only.47/

If you can’t get in, contact staff. Prayers for you.

Thank you, I'll take a look.

 

[sdk80]

The only thing broken, is your perception of God and His love.

Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more.

I feel like God will eventually give up on me. Isn't there a point where you're basically a lost cause and God lets you go? The problem is I have gone and sinned a lot more doing the same thing, countless times. It's gotten to the point where when I ask for forgiveness and promise not to do it anymore, I don't even believe myself.

 

[sdk80]

inappropriate content encourages and produces lust.
In time they say that it kills the ability to love.
I believe that.
Flee quickly so as to protect your life and soul.
M

Yes, I've discovered this. I basically can't think of sex now in a loving, marriage environment. Whenever I think about it, there's always a lustful quality...purely physical. I often wonder how I would handle it in an actual relationship/marriage.

 

[Gregorikos]

Thanks, I've seen that title around before. I'll check it out.

Please don't. I'm an addict too, and had to read Every Man's Battle early on in my recovery. I thought it was the second worst book I ever read in my life. It's very misogynistic, blaming women and the way they dress or look for our lust problems. I have friends in my recovery group that swear by it, but I cannot imagine how it would be of much help for a woman.

I'd suggest Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser. And please feel free to msg me. (I'm 4 years clean) I'll help as much as I can.

What you really need though, is other women nearby you that you can meet with and tell them EVERYTHING. (James 5:16)

 

[Darkhorse]

I feel like God will eventually give up on me. Isn't there a point where you're basically a lost cause and God lets you go? The problem is I have gone and sinned a lot more doing the same thing, countless times. It's gotten to the point where when I ask for forgiveness and promise not to do it anymore, I don't even believe myself.

God believes in you more than you believe in yourself. Keep trying. He won't abandon you.

He knows your heart.

 

[Of the Kingdom]

A good resource for getting in touch with God's word:

YouVersion. Available in major smartphone app stores. Also works online at bible.com, or "Alexa, talk to youversion".

There are reading plans and daily verses which make it easy to remember to read a little of the Bible every day. I suggest the "verse of the day" feature to start with. There are also good devotionals including from Our Daily Bread, and many chapter-a-day plans.

If you want to start reading somewhere, I suggest the gospel of John, or any other of the three gospels you prefer (Matthew, Mark, or Luke).

I believe that if you are able to form the habit of reading at least one verse every day, you will find yourself better able to ask God for help in dealing with the habits you want to break.

May God strengthen you and may His grace shine upon you. I will pray for you.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I don't know how to start this other than I think my inappropriate content addiction is causing a great deal of anxiety and emotional upheaval in my life. It's a sin that I keep reverting to, no matter how many times I pray for forgiveness and promise not to do it again. Just doing quick browse of this board, it looks like inappropriate content addiction is the #1 struggle here, but it's hard to find women struggling with it.

It started when I was around 16 and inappropriate content was becoming pervasive on the internet. Finding erotic fiction online was fairly easy, and my parents accidentally caught me reading it one day. I wasn't at the computer, but I'd forgotten to close out the window, and I was the only who'd been home using the computer. I fiercely denied it had been me, and tried to make some excuse about a spam site coming up. They dropped it and I didn't get in trouble, but I think they knew the truth.

Soon I discovered inappropriate contentographic pictures and videos, and even stole my parent's credit card once to sign up for a inappropriate content site. It had a free trial, so I made sure to cancel the subscription before their card was charged and it showed up on their statement. Eventually, I got my own credit card and signed up. Then sites like inappropriate contenthub came along, and suddenly everything was free, more plentiful, and easier to access.

To this day I switch up between erotic fiction online, video, and audio inappropriate content...whatever I'm in the mood for. It's desensitized me to sex, to foul language, and I've used it to replace a real relationship. In fact, I've never been intimate with another person, even though I crave that closeness. There are other issues that have affected my choice to remain single, so I think I've been relying on inappropriate content to provide that stimulation that I'm lacking in reality.

Part of me tries to justify it with being single. Married people and people in relationships can rely on one another for sexual stimulation, and it's almost impossible to achieve with basically no external source. However, I know the Bible is against lust and God intended sex to be shared within marriage...which is why I've not actually had sex with another person. Despite everything else, I'm still a virgin. That's really hard to admit at 39.

I can remember being instinctively fascinated with "sex" even as early as 4 years old. I had no idea what sex was until I was around 11 or 12, but you know how kids get curious and experiment. Well, that happened with other kids my age. It was all innocent, but I remember having lots of thoughts and desires as a kid skewed towards things of a sexual nature. I never had any adults abuse me or molest me, and none of the adults I was around would have ever approved of some of the stuff us kids did - even if we never went THAT far with things.

So here I am 20+ years later still stuck in a inappropriate contentography addiction. Every time I reach for my phone when I'm in the mood, I know I'm sinning and I know I promised God I wouldn't keep doing this. I know I'll feel bad about it later, and I'm afraid of punishment from God for continuing this sin. One thing I don't know is what to do about it. It's almost like I don't want to give it up because then I'll be forced to either be alone, or face the terrifying prospect of having to find a real partner. Today's been awful. I've felt anxious and depressed all day, which isn't uncommon after indulging in this addiction.

The only way to begin the process of eliminating this addiction is to be filled with His Holy Spirit, which you may be quenching.

touching yourself is self love and you have made a habit of it. Everyone hides behind inappropriate contentography and I find it disingenuous. It is simply a visual to accomplish the task. Yes, I said it. Let's move on...
I can't comment much more other than reiterate that the only way to quell your "self loving" is to love Him more.
Be blessed.