- Jul 21, 2015
- 129
- 337
- Country
- Norway
- Faith
- Protestant
- Marital Status
- Celibate
- Politics
- UK-Liberal-Democrats
I'm hoping that someone might be given insight from Jesus and are able to mention some advice that in some way or form can help me find a path out of this circle I feel trapped in, because the problems I have is only repeating themselves. I'm living in a neighborhood with a lot of drugs and crime, and this is the only place for me where the county had any apartments for a person like me that because of mental illness are unable to function in a normal life.
This all started about 10+ years ago when I broke up with my fiance and thought it was better for her and our child, my son, that I would not be a part of their life, and when Norwegian Child Protection then - some months later - made sure my sons mother was not allowed to live as his mother anymore, and that our son had to live with his grandmother, and I always was denied the full responsibility, since I was already very ill and not able to work because of cronic disability. But I already had major mental health issues, that mostly have their roots from when I was sexually abused in the age of 6, and other things, an unstable childhood, where I ended up rebelling against the world I was living in. I contacted a doctor the first time in an age of 17 to tell a doctor that I was dying of cancer, a delusion I'd had since childhood some time, and I remember all of my teenage years I constantly got the terrible knowledge about death that could be coming anytime, and it was so scary that I pushed it back until I visited a doctor to get help. At that point I had come to such a low point that I was beginning to get suicidal. I had hallucinations, delusions where I was sure about being a potential insane, a very bad person, not anyone deserving life at all and was totally lost in the spirit world. All that is a very long story in itself. Anyway, I only noticed the doctor wrote into the computer that "The patient say's he is psychotic, but he don't look psychotic", and that's a problem I've had ever since. Every time I meet a doctor I'm quite unable to describe how bad things really is, and almost always feel they don't take me serious, and so in the health system where I'm in a circle of itself, where nobody ever help me when I ask for help, and where everyone seem to have theories about what is wrong with me, that make them unable to realize that I don't experience how they view reality at all, at the same time I have an extreme tolerance to pain, and I've always been able to see myself and the world around as if being a "fly on the wall", looking from the outside and in, and ever since I read about the life of Buddha and converted to Buddhism, I've kept on to how to think in the best way, I've analyzed all the phenomena in my mind so thoroughly that I'm able to talk very calmly about even horrible trauma, as if they don't affect me. And of course I'm now a Christian, and have a lot of reasons to not just give up, and if my health is not the best, I at least have faith and get strength to endure through prayer and the Word of God, but could need friends that are Christian that I could hang with.
Anyway: So by that it seems doctors interpret this as that there's nothing wrong with me at all. I remember for example one psychologist that - after I had talked with him for a year - described that the pain I felt was more then I could take, and for a moment he realized I was being honest, and that a normal person suddenly having experienced the intense anxiety and how deeply my consciousness is fragmented, in short if a normal person have felt such a pain they would become desperate to get away from it, and probably lost control and just jumped off a cliff or something. The instinct for the preservation of life though is very deep and almost impossible to stand up against. So it is really, really bad, and this is what for more then 20 years have remained a deep pain, something I can do anything to escape from.
And here I don't get any medical help, after I moved to a new place. Since I'm a morphine addict, I'm given Methadone 110 mg each day, I think that's about what one need to send around 4 grown men into overdose and death and I feel it's barely enough to keep it going, I don't feel the least effect, but only don't have to be horribly ill. So if you're a morphinist you are given help, because society understand that this is a problem where such a treatment is better then that I'll die of using illegal drugs and get an overdose in the end, such as I was on my way to before I got help for that. And the same time I'm just as mentally ill as I've always been. This is the point where I'm out of luck, because the only thing that help is very strong so called benzodiazepines, just tablets with things that help me getting out from the most horrible of anxiety, such as Valium or Klonopin, but this is also a narcotic substance that is being abused illegally, something I've also had a problem with, after I lost my son and is either too sick to be able to deal with people at all, or is stoned and it's not appropriate of me to be around my son because of that, since I still remember how he started to cry as a toddler, a night he woke up and daddy was not the same as usual, since I'd had a sixpack or two with beer. After I moved to another apartment in another county, but yet the same city, the whole help-apparatus I used to have around me, that helped me with the bureaucracy that make sure drug-addicts are not given narcotics, and the mental health services that know I'm seriously ill and at least I need some very light drugs, because my condition become too bad for me to handle simple everyday things if I don't get any at all, so the best thing is to just give me help despite me having had problems with drugs. And since there's always a demand to become totally clean before getting help, and since everything just become too much for me if I don't get help, I've ended up simply not given help, and it seems the health care professionals I'm around simply don't realize how bad it is, and think that it is better to just let me stay in what they think is problems with withdrawal.
The last time I was given medical help, I was sent to the ER and I didn't know what year it was, where I was, what day it was, who I was, or what was going on in general, and then I was given 1 Valium, and that was enough to send me back home and into limbo where I'm lost in myself, so badly that I don't know anymore what to say or how to reach out in order to get help. I'm just sent from one part of the health system to another, referred here and there, and most seem to be quite tired of me and my constant problems. So I even have problems believing that anyone care at all. I've reached a point where I've developed a cynical view of life, where I feel reduced to nothing of value and not worth anything. I don't feel able to even talk with people on the phone, or even chat with people on Facebook, but only feel people that have had really hard lives themselves understand how it's like to withdraw from the world. People that have problems with drugs, drinking, bad mental health etc. I feel judged and very rarely understood by people in general.
If anyone have anything that might be uplifting or helpful in any way or form, I'll be really thankful. I don't really think anyone can help me anymore, I've been thinking about death a lot and hoping it will reach me soon, and are really worried of what will become of me. And I'm thankful of prayer..
Sorry for my lacking ability to write things more precise, but it's not all very simple.
Perhaps it would be better to place this in some private forum, but at the same time I want help from anyone that might have any to offer.
With love from a lonely wanderer in the desert, hoping for an oasis to rest by one day. A fellow of Lazarus. A small, unimportant and weak soul given to Christ.
This all started about 10+ years ago when I broke up with my fiance and thought it was better for her and our child, my son, that I would not be a part of their life, and when Norwegian Child Protection then - some months later - made sure my sons mother was not allowed to live as his mother anymore, and that our son had to live with his grandmother, and I always was denied the full responsibility, since I was already very ill and not able to work because of cronic disability. But I already had major mental health issues, that mostly have their roots from when I was sexually abused in the age of 6, and other things, an unstable childhood, where I ended up rebelling against the world I was living in. I contacted a doctor the first time in an age of 17 to tell a doctor that I was dying of cancer, a delusion I'd had since childhood some time, and I remember all of my teenage years I constantly got the terrible knowledge about death that could be coming anytime, and it was so scary that I pushed it back until I visited a doctor to get help. At that point I had come to such a low point that I was beginning to get suicidal. I had hallucinations, delusions where I was sure about being a potential insane, a very bad person, not anyone deserving life at all and was totally lost in the spirit world. All that is a very long story in itself. Anyway, I only noticed the doctor wrote into the computer that "The patient say's he is psychotic, but he don't look psychotic", and that's a problem I've had ever since. Every time I meet a doctor I'm quite unable to describe how bad things really is, and almost always feel they don't take me serious, and so in the health system where I'm in a circle of itself, where nobody ever help me when I ask for help, and where everyone seem to have theories about what is wrong with me, that make them unable to realize that I don't experience how they view reality at all, at the same time I have an extreme tolerance to pain, and I've always been able to see myself and the world around as if being a "fly on the wall", looking from the outside and in, and ever since I read about the life of Buddha and converted to Buddhism, I've kept on to how to think in the best way, I've analyzed all the phenomena in my mind so thoroughly that I'm able to talk very calmly about even horrible trauma, as if they don't affect me. And of course I'm now a Christian, and have a lot of reasons to not just give up, and if my health is not the best, I at least have faith and get strength to endure through prayer and the Word of God, but could need friends that are Christian that I could hang with.
Anyway: So by that it seems doctors interpret this as that there's nothing wrong with me at all. I remember for example one psychologist that - after I had talked with him for a year - described that the pain I felt was more then I could take, and for a moment he realized I was being honest, and that a normal person suddenly having experienced the intense anxiety and how deeply my consciousness is fragmented, in short if a normal person have felt such a pain they would become desperate to get away from it, and probably lost control and just jumped off a cliff or something. The instinct for the preservation of life though is very deep and almost impossible to stand up against. So it is really, really bad, and this is what for more then 20 years have remained a deep pain, something I can do anything to escape from.
And here I don't get any medical help, after I moved to a new place. Since I'm a morphine addict, I'm given Methadone 110 mg each day, I think that's about what one need to send around 4 grown men into overdose and death and I feel it's barely enough to keep it going, I don't feel the least effect, but only don't have to be horribly ill. So if you're a morphinist you are given help, because society understand that this is a problem where such a treatment is better then that I'll die of using illegal drugs and get an overdose in the end, such as I was on my way to before I got help for that. And the same time I'm just as mentally ill as I've always been. This is the point where I'm out of luck, because the only thing that help is very strong so called benzodiazepines, just tablets with things that help me getting out from the most horrible of anxiety, such as Valium or Klonopin, but this is also a narcotic substance that is being abused illegally, something I've also had a problem with, after I lost my son and is either too sick to be able to deal with people at all, or is stoned and it's not appropriate of me to be around my son because of that, since I still remember how he started to cry as a toddler, a night he woke up and daddy was not the same as usual, since I'd had a sixpack or two with beer. After I moved to another apartment in another county, but yet the same city, the whole help-apparatus I used to have around me, that helped me with the bureaucracy that make sure drug-addicts are not given narcotics, and the mental health services that know I'm seriously ill and at least I need some very light drugs, because my condition become too bad for me to handle simple everyday things if I don't get any at all, so the best thing is to just give me help despite me having had problems with drugs. And since there's always a demand to become totally clean before getting help, and since everything just become too much for me if I don't get help, I've ended up simply not given help, and it seems the health care professionals I'm around simply don't realize how bad it is, and think that it is better to just let me stay in what they think is problems with withdrawal.
The last time I was given medical help, I was sent to the ER and I didn't know what year it was, where I was, what day it was, who I was, or what was going on in general, and then I was given 1 Valium, and that was enough to send me back home and into limbo where I'm lost in myself, so badly that I don't know anymore what to say or how to reach out in order to get help. I'm just sent from one part of the health system to another, referred here and there, and most seem to be quite tired of me and my constant problems. So I even have problems believing that anyone care at all. I've reached a point where I've developed a cynical view of life, where I feel reduced to nothing of value and not worth anything. I don't feel able to even talk with people on the phone, or even chat with people on Facebook, but only feel people that have had really hard lives themselves understand how it's like to withdraw from the world. People that have problems with drugs, drinking, bad mental health etc. I feel judged and very rarely understood by people in general.
If anyone have anything that might be uplifting or helpful in any way or form, I'll be really thankful. I don't really think anyone can help me anymore, I've been thinking about death a lot and hoping it will reach me soon, and are really worried of what will become of me. And I'm thankful of prayer..
Sorry for my lacking ability to write things more precise, but it's not all very simple.
Perhaps it would be better to place this in some private forum, but at the same time I want help from anyone that might have any to offer.
With love from a lonely wanderer in the desert, hoping for an oasis to rest by one day. A fellow of Lazarus. A small, unimportant and weak soul given to Christ.
