feeling so lost

ryewolf

Member
Aug 27, 2017
19
20
36
Tampa
✟20,042.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
In Relationship
I am struggling big time when it comes to dating. I'm caught between taking "good enough" or holding out for what might be God's best with the risk of not finding that or maybe having too high of expectations.

I (33F) have been dating on and off for a few years with no luck. I struggle a little with finding people to date because I have never had a desire for children. I would rather spend my time/energy serving with my future husband than child rearing.

Well I finally found someone (31M) who said he is okay with not having kids. He is very kind and caring, loves the Lord and I felt safe with him. I'm a fairly insecure person when it comes to my looks, yet with him I felt comfortable because he just was so nice and didn't seem shallow. He never pushed me physically and is okay about waiting for marriage to have sex.

However, there were several red flags that came up that concerned me. He has never lived on his own (lives with parents), has no passion for his job but no plan for changing it (wants a better job but no clear vision), dropped out of college, doesn't have any savings, is not in community (no small groups, has just one Christian friend but mostly hangs out with non-Christian friends)...I just don't feel that he would be a strong leader as a husband. I feel that I would take the lead financially, spiritually, etc because I'm at a more advanced phase in my life as he is (not sure how else to say this?). I make more money, have savings for emergencies and am planning on buying a house soon; I'm in several small groups and know the importance of community. I'm also very ambitious and driven. The thing is that he had some setbacks due to a previous relationship, which is partly why he's in the position he's in now, though I suspect that there is also some level of comfort in living with his parents making him not be in a rush to move out.

In addition to those differences, he is pretty quiet. I like to joke and laugh a lot and I found that there were crickets when I would try to make jokes and sometimes when I would say something he would not respond to it but just completely change the subject. I think he is a little socially awkward and unsure of himself, which is okay as none of us our perfect, but I am not very drawn to that kind of personality and I wouldn't say we have a blast together when we hang out, it's just okay. I also am the one who mostly sparks up conversation topics, and when I would ask deep questions he would only ask me back about 50% of the time, making me wonder if he really cared to get to know me that well or if he's just shy.

I decided to break things off after a few months of dating because I just didn't see a clear vision of a future with him. He says he wants to move out this year but I am afraid he won't. I kept thinking about how I wish he were more ambitious, driven and responsible. But was this a mistake to end things? I have prayed over and over for guidance from God because I was feeling unsure of things, but I have been feeling so down ever since letting him go, thinking that I will probably never find someone else as kind and who is okay with not having kids. I also know that I can be a little bit prideful (something I am working on in prayer with God), and so I'm wondering if all of those "red flags" are really that or just me expecting someone to be on "my level".

But even if everything else was perfect, should we be with someone who we just feel "okay" with? Where 90% of the time I would be the one bringing up things to talk about? We also don't really share many interests when it comes to conversation, though we do like some of the same activities. I just want a responsible/established man who will love me, lead me, and be faithful to me, who I can have fun with and will make me laugh. Looks, salary etc are not that important to me (I mean I want to be physically attracted of course but I don't expect a guy to be ripped or a millionaire, I just want to be interested in them and have things to talk about). But is someone being kind and loving the Lord enough? Should I ignore the rest and see if he'll take me back? Or maybe I am supposed to be alone forever.

I just feel so lost about what to do.
 

1watchman

Overseer
Supporter
Oct 9, 2010
6,039
1,226
Washington State
✟358,358.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Do not be in a hurry, friend, and do not jump into a relationship more than just a occasional meeting with one to get acquainted ---best to find one at a sound Bible-only church place.

Put the Lord Jesus first in your heart as 'best friend' and learn to walk and talk with Him daily. He needs to be Lord of our life and best Friend. Have you read John 3; John 14 in your Bible? You can hear God speaking to you there. When we have the Lord Jesus in our heart we will be on the path to blessings, care, and assurance of our God's care. Write me anytime personally if you wish to chat. -1watchman
 
Upvote 0

GOD Shines Forth!

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Jan 6, 2019
2,615
2,061
United States
✟355,297.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Single
I am struggling big time when it comes to dating. I'm caught between taking "good enough" or holding out for what might be God's best with the risk of not finding that or maybe having too high of expectations.

I (33F) have been dating on and off for a few years with no luck. I struggle a little with finding people to date because I have never had a desire for children. I would rather spend my time/energy serving with my future husband than child rearing.

Well I finally found someone (31M) who said he is okay with not having kids. He is very kind and caring, loves the Lord and I felt safe with him. I'm a fairly insecure person when it comes to my looks, yet with him I felt comfortable because he just was so nice and didn't seem shallow. He never pushed me physically and is okay about waiting for marriage to have sex.

However, there were several red flags that came up that concerned me. He has never lived on his own (lives with parents), has no passion for his job but no plan for changing it (wants a better job but no clear vision), dropped out of college, doesn't have any savings, is not in community (no small groups, has just one Christian friend but mostly hangs out with non-Christian friends)...I just don't feel that he would be a strong leader as a husband. I feel that I would take the lead financially, spiritually, etc because I'm at a more advanced phase in my life as he is (not sure how else to say this?). I make more money, have savings for emergencies and am planning on buying a house soon; I'm in several small groups and know the importance of community. I'm also very ambitious and driven. The thing is that he had some setbacks due to a previous relationship, which is partly why he's in the position he's in now, though I suspect that there is also some level of comfort in living with his parents making him not be in a rush to move out.

In addition to those differences, he is pretty quiet. I like to joke and laugh a lot and I found that there were crickets when I would try to make jokes and sometimes when I would say something he would not respond to it but just completely change the subject. I think he is a little socially awkward and unsure of himself, which is okay as none of us our perfect, but I am not very drawn to that kind of personality and I wouldn't say we have a blast together when we hang out, it's just okay. I also am the one who mostly sparks up conversation topics, and when I would ask deep questions he would only ask me back about 50% of the time, making me wonder if he really cared to get to know me that well or if he's just shy.

I decided to break things off after a few months of dating because I just didn't see a clear vision of a future with him. He says he wants to move out this year but I am afraid he won't. I kept thinking about how I wish he were more ambitious, driven and responsible. But was this a mistake to end things? I have prayed over and over for guidance from God because I was feeling unsure of things, but I have been feeling so down ever since letting him go, thinking that I will probably never find someone else as kind and who is okay with not having kids. I also know that I can be a little bit prideful (something I am working on in prayer with God), and so I'm wondering if all of those "red flags" are really that or just me expecting someone to be on "my level".

But even if everything else was perfect, should we be with someone who we just feel "okay" with? Where 90% of the time I would be the one bringing up things to talk about? We also don't really share many interests when it comes to conversation, though we do like some of the same activities. I just want a responsible/established man who will love me, lead me, and be faithful to me, who I can have fun with and will make me laugh. Looks, salary etc are not that important to me (I mean I want to be physically attracted of course but I don't expect a guy to be ripped or a millionaire, I just want to be interested in them and have things to talk about). But is someone being kind and loving the Lord enough? Should I ignore the rest and see if he'll take me back? Or maybe I am supposed to be alone forever.

I just feel so lost about what to do.

Hi. Since you know what you want, and this fellow is not a match for that, move on. People do not change much in their basic temperament, and hoping for such is a recipe for disaster. It doesn’t have to say anything bad about him, or you.
 
Upvote 0

CMDRExorcist

Theology Explorer
Supporter
Apr 13, 2011
378
187
Texas
Visit site
✟130,239.00
Country
United States
Faith
Charismatic
Marital Status
Single
January was the third anniversary of my divorce. You’ll never get better advice than to wait for the right person. Settling for good enough is not what anyone deserves. The fact that you have the insight to identify red flags with people you’re dating speaks a lot to your character and self awareness. Don’t compromise that just for the sake of being in a relationship. Trust me, it can be incredibly destructive.

I was so lonely and miserable that I ended up in a very abusive relationship for almost a decade. I got two beautiful little girls out of it, but I almost lost my life several times.

Wait for the right time and the right person, because I believe it comes for most people. And for those it doesn’t, there’s usually something just as good and fulfilling waiting in the wind.

Blessings and good luck to you!
 
Upvote 0

Brenda Blakely

Active Member
Apr 26, 2019
118
72
60
Portland
✟21,840.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
There is no doubt. Wait on God to show you the right one or you will never know the fullness of all that He has prepared for you. He has a plan, He knew you before you were born and has prepared you and the one you will marry for the occasion. It seems to me you already know all this and that you just want confirmation. Please accept our confirmation and “wait upon the Lord.” Red flags are raised for a reason. They can become spots of contention that yield great despair.

I am praying for you. I am praying that you will know the will of God. I am praying for clear guidance and a clear path that will help you to know that you are not lost but found. I am praying for peace and comfort. Right now prepare yourself for the day when God reveals you His plan.

Be content with yourself-Psalm 139:13-14.

Study these verses; Isaiah 41:9-10, Jeremiah 29:11, Isaiah 40:31 and 54:5, Matthew 19:11-12, and I Corinthians 7:25-35.

Right now I pray that you will be able to grow in your relationship to God. I pray that God will give you time and direct your paths so that you will be prepared for His plan, when it is revealed. God bless you.
 
Upvote 0