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Feeling manipulated or pressured

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Goodbook, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,051
    Christian
    In Relationship
    How do you deal with this? Especially if its another christian wanting you to do something that you don't want to do.

    This is what happened. We had a local writers group retreat last year, which was fine I organised it initially and was able to secure a place through another church friend. It was not expensive and six of us could go.

    Then another one was planned for this year by the committee inviting all members from everywhere, not just our group, but it turns out it's quite expensive and far away so not everyone can go.

    So I was asked by one member if we could have our own retreat at the same place again around this time of year. She isn't planning on going to the comittee led one if we can have a cheaper one with just our group. So we had a meeting (i was unable to attend) and but it turns out nobody can really go at that time except her. However she told me that four could go, it's only when I checked that I found the other two could NOT go. Then she had asked me before if it was only two of us could we still go, and at first I said yes but now I have second thoughts, so I told her I have second thoughts and not a good idea, wait till we all can go but she seems determined to go if only two of us. There is no wifi there so can't do my writing online and I'm really suspecting she just wants to go at all costs and doesn't care that I've changed my mind.

    Then she kind of took my writing I had given to the group to be read and tabled (critiqued) and told me on the phone I could get it off her at the retreat. ?! I told her no please post it, but she had no right to take my writing I hadn't asked her and I'm thinking she took it to manipulate me into going. arrgh!

    I have told my church friend who owns the place we not having a retreat as not really good for just two of us it was meant to be for the whole group. She was ok with it.

    But I now have to tell this other friend its been cancelled. How will I handle it if she's miffed or mad at me. I tried telling her I had second thoughts but she kind of ignored me. I just know if I'm alone with her (for a weekend retreat) she will kind of boss me around. I now have other things on but she seemed kind of pushy and rushing me to ask my friend with the place and then ask everyone else. She's done this sort of thing before and sometimes I wonder if I should not go to this group anymore while she's there. A shame cos I get along with everyone else. They had some trouble with her too, but she's been in it from the beginning. Is this controlling, bullying behaviour how do you deal with it. I've been told be firm, but she's been so sneaky!

    I think my fault is I just did what she asked or maybe didn't think it would be a problem at first if only two of us could go cos she was really insistent and I caved under pressure. I should have said at first if not enough people go, we not having it, and been real firm. I don't like the way she kind of lied to me pretending others could go when they hadn't actually said so.

    Some biblical advice.
     
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  2. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,051
    Christian
    In Relationship
    I sent her a txt, and I tried to ring but nobody home.
    I hope she got the txt.

    The thing is she's got my writing and don't know if she'll post it or withhold it from me, I have asked her. I can let it go I suppose since I wasn't at the meeting, but now become busier I can't go to all meetings now anyway.

    I remember one time I was a few minutes late when we were going to carpool and she was fuming and mad, although I did apologise. Its just, when I've seen her mad and not get her own way she can be quite hard to be around.

    I guess just leave this one with God? She can't bully me into going anyway I already cancelled. Plus she's already staying somewhere near the beach somewhere quiet. I just think if I was alone with her over an entire weekend it wouldn't be good, our personalities clash if she doesn't get her own way. Of course she's kind of oblivious to this. She wanted me to rearrange all my church activities just so we could go, and the main reason seems to be so she can have a swim before it gets cold, and so she doesn't have to pay for the main retreat (she could go, she CAN afford it, and some others in the group ARE going). I think another time would be best. Plus already had my roadtrip, (which I did ask her on) a retreat earlier this year and not up to driving. She just won't listen to me that's all its kind of frustrating.

    You say all these things and all she hears is her own desire to make other people cater to her.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2017
  3. rturner76

    rturner76 Senior Veteran Supporter

    +1,520
    United States
    Catholic
    Single
    US-Democrat
    She can't make you do anything you don't want to do can she? I don't react well when people try to control me. I usually do the opposite of what they want. Probably not the most diplomatic way to deal with the situation.

    You know what they say....honesty is the best policy. Maybe just be honest and tell her there's just not enough people to make it a worthwhile retreat. I would also ask fr my writing back as well. Was that the only copy? Didn't you save it in a Word document or something like that?
     
  4. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,051
    Christian
    In Relationship
    No i have other copies just that they wrote comments on it and she took those.

    I wonder if theres such a thing as being too honest.
    Like hey ive noticed you treat everyone horribly and think the world revolves around you, stop it.
     
  5. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,051
    Christian
    In Relationship
    She can wear you down by persistance and doing unasked for favours. Its weird. That then gives her leverage. She is also super sweet when she wants something, like a cat rubbing your leg when she wants food.

    I think her modus operandi is to have people feel sorry for her and then she can ask them to do anything she wants.

    Of course I didnt know this at first.
     
  6. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,051
    Christian
    In Relationship
    I dont think doing the opposite is going to work unless..God shows me a better way. i mean she is a christian. Its not like I can refuse to have anything to do with her, or can I . And im not one for vengeance, which is often when people take measures against someone else.
     
  7. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,051
    Christian
    In Relationship
    If I do say something like 'youre so vain, you probably think this song is about you' she might get it or she will proably just laugh.

    Its not funny when you on the receiving end of narcissitic behaviour.
     
  8. rturner76

    rturner76 Senior Veteran Supporter

    +1,520
    United States
    Catholic
    Single
    US-Democrat
    Yeah you don't want to be disrespectful but you also have to respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to be pressured into doing things that you do not feel comfortable doing. You may have to draw a line somewhere even if she is being very accommodating in other ways. It might just come down to "I'm sorry but I just don't think it makes sense to go with only two people." But I don't know what you're conversations are like if that is something you would normally say.
     
  9. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +1,269
    Christian
    In Relationship
    You can politely distance yourself from someone even a christian who
    is manipulative.
     
  10. abysmul

    abysmul Board Game Hobbyist

    +803
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others
    You told her at first, yes, you two could go... so, this friend will probably be upset (especially as you described them). The question is: So what? You be polite, you be firm, you stick up for yourself and your friend (if they really are a friend) will just have to cope.

    Also, no reason not to tell them to give you back your story/work.
     
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