Feeling like I'm idle in my faith

[Ozious]

So I've been struggling with really bad scrupulosity for many years, and it's taken me a long time to recover from it. Throughout my years with scrupulosity, it's caused me to live very legalistically when it came to my faith. It was always "I have to do this" or "It's a sin if I don't do something like this" or even "you did something good, but it could've been better." To keep it simple, I basically lived a life of faith by works to an extreme, and it sucked the life out of me. After many years I've learned how to cope with it, and I've slowly been able to get it under control. Right now I would say I'm in a recovery state where I can almost live a normal life, or so it seems.

I thought I could eventually live a normal life without it hindering my daily activities, but it still affects even the simplest of tasks. I've become so used to the subtle ways it affects me that I don't often notice how debilitating it is. Not to mention how some situations can trigger old legalistic habits. All of this has made me very weary and exhausted, so I end up spending a good chunk of my time just trying to maintain myself and, well, surviving. This is where the crux of my issue lies.

The Bible talks heavily about being proactive and not to grow idle in both your lifestyle and faith, and I honestly don't know how to react given my situation. I've spent so much of my life trying to work for my salvation, and now when I'm starting to get better focus on improving my mental health, it starts to feel like I'm becoming idle. Even though I spend most of my time alone, I still try to do godly works where I can like studying the Scriptures, helping people when the situation arises, and just being an overall good person, but it still feels like it's not enough. The more I try to do, the more it feels like I'm falling back to my old legalistic ways. On the flip side, if I stop forcing myself to do all these works, then it starts to feel like I'm becoming idle in my faith. Sometimes it even feels like I'm losing my relationship with God, and nothing scares me more than the thought of this. It's this constant spiral of feeling like I'm not doing enough and doing too much, and it's so exhausting. I'm just not sure what to do at this point.

 

[Jeshu]

i advise you to negate this feeling all together and to find your worth only in Jesus not yourself. Each time you look at yourself ask Jesus to forgive you and look at Him instead. Our God is not a God of fear so its best not to heed your fears but exercise your faith in God's love when you stumble.

Jesus told us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, so work with such truths rather than those inner fears swept up by satan to tempt you away from salvation through faith in God's grace.

When you enter His rest then you will know that salvation comes from Him not from our own efforts.

Let the truth of God's love define you in Christ not your judgemental eye through the voice of fear and you will flourish in no time.

Peace.

 

[Ozious]

So it's ok for me to spend this much time taking care of myself? I'm still not completely over my scrupulosity, far from it actually, but sometimes I feel like I'm ok.

 

[Mari17]

So I've been struggling with really bad scrupulosity for many years, and it's taken me a long time to recover from it. Throughout my years with scrupulosity, it's caused me to live very legalistically when it came to my faith. It was always "I have to do this" or "It's a sin if I don't do something like this" or even "you did something good, but it could've been better." To keep it simple, I basically lived a life of faith by works to an extreme, and it sucked the life out of me. After many years I've learned how to cope with it, and I've slowly been able to get it under control. Right now I would say I'm in a recovery state where I can almost live a normal life, or so it seems.

I thought I could eventually live a normal life without it hindering my daily activities, but it still affects even the simplest of tasks. I've become so used to the subtle ways it affects me that I don't often notice how debilitating it is. Not to mention how some situations can trigger old legalistic habits. All of this has made me very weary and exhausted, so I end up spending a good chunk of my time just trying to maintain myself and, well, surviving. This is where the crux of my issue lies.

The Bible talks heavily about being proactive and not to grow idle in both your lifestyle and faith, and I honestly don't know how to react given my situation. I've spent so much of my life trying to work for my salvation, and now when I'm starting to get better focus on improving my mental health, it starts to feel like I'm becoming idle. Even though I spend most of my time alone, I still try to do godly works where I can like studying the Scriptures, helping people when the situation arises, and just being an overall good person, but it still feels like it's not enough. The more I try to do, the more it feels like I'm falling back to my old legalistic ways. On the flip side, if I stop forcing myself to do all these works, then it starts to feel like I'm becoming idle in my faith. Sometimes it even feels like I'm losing my relationship with God, and nothing scares me more than the thought of this. It's this constant spiral of feeling like I'm not doing enough and doing too much, and it's so exhausting. I'm just not sure what to do at this point.

I understand. I've had scrupulosity for many years too. I guess one question I have is, when you "stop forcing" yourself, what do you feel like you're neglecting? Can you put in concrete terms what it is that you're NOT doing enough of?

 

[Ozious]

I understand. I've had scrupulosity for many years too. I guess one question I have is, when you "stop forcing" yourself, what do you feel like you're neglecting? Can you put in concrete terms what it is that you're NOT doing enough of?

It's just this general feeling of not being productive enough with my faith. The Bible says a lot about not idling and to always do good such as going out and doing charitable deeds, helping the needy, coming together in worship, and so on. The problem for me is that so many everyday things trigger my scrupulosity, that I spend most of my time trying to keep it at bay or calming myself down when it does get triggered which takes up a lot of my energy. As a result, I really only participate in low-stress activities such as "mundane" everyday tasks or simple hobbies.

Part of me knows that I shouldn't expect myself to be able to do the level of godly works another person does considering my mental illness. I even know the bible says that people all have different spiritual gifts and are called to do different things like in 1 Corinthians 12. I just can't help but to have this itching feeling that I might be spending too much time on myself and not enough time carrying out God's will.

 

[Mari17]

It's just this general feeling of not being productive enough with my faith. The Bible says a lot about not idling and to always do good such as going out and doing charitable deeds, helping the needy, coming together in worship, and so on. The problem for me is that so many everyday things trigger my scrupulosity, that I spend most of my time trying to keep it at bay or calming myself down when it does get triggered which takes up a lot of my energy. As a result, I really only participate in low-stress activities such as "mundane" everyday tasks or simple hobbies.

Part of me knows that I shouldn't expect myself to be able to do the level of godly works another person does considering my mental illness. I even know the bible says that people all have different spiritual gifts and are called to do different things like in 1 Corinthians 12. I just can't help but to have this itching feeling that I might be spending too much time on myself and not enough time carrying out God's will.

Well, I think there may be two parts to this issue. The first is that it seems like perhaps you're being too hard on yourself - feeling that if you're not always "productive for God," then you're failing. So maybe your standard is too high in that regard. The second part is that, with OCD, we work (sometimes slowly) on facing our triggers, instead of avoiding what triggers us. For example, maybe reading the Bible triggers your OCD. So, to work against that, you would make yourself read the Bible, perhaps starting with just a few verses in an "easy" part of the Bible like the Psalms. Basically, you work on facing your fears, the same way someone with any other kind of fear would. However, you wouldn't expect yourself to go to extremes and have to read the Bible for hours every day. You aim for a balanced approach - not avoiding things out of fear (avoidance is a compulsion), but not setting excessively high standards.

Do you feel that you have a good understanding of how OCD/scrupulosity works? Do you know how to identify your obsessions and compulsions, and how to work on ignoring your fears and refusing to do your compulsions?

 

[Ozious]

Yes, I'd say I understand how scrupulosity works. It's just how it affects me personally is what I can't understand. My scrupulosity doesn't cause me to give into some crazy compulsion, at least not anymore. Now, it's these constant feelings of doubt, shame, and condemnation. I always feel like nothing I do is good enough anymore and have this constant sense of spiritual dread looming over me. Even when I try to do godly works it feels like I'm not doing it right. I think this might be an after effect of how my scrupulosity used to affect me; every ritual and compulsion I did was to try and validate myself to God or work for my salvation. I know what this obsession is now, but I don't know how to deal with it since it doesn't feel like a normal compulsion that I can just fight back.

 

[Mari17]

Yes, I'd say I understand how scrupulosity works. It's just how it affects me personally is what I can't understand. My scrupulosity doesn't cause me to give into some crazy compulsion, at least not anymore. Now, it's these constant feelings of doubt, shame, and condemnation. I always feel like nothing I do is good enough anymore and have this constant sense of spiritual dread looming over me. Even when I try to do godly works it feels like I'm not doing it right. I think this might be an after effect of how my scrupulosity used to affect me; every ritual and compulsion I did was to try and validate myself to God or work for my salvation. I know what this obsession is now, but I don't know how to deal with it since it doesn't feel like a normal compulsion that I can just fight back.

Yes, that's kind of tough. It's hard to identify compulsions in a case like this. Do you have specific things that you do when you feel that you're not doing a work "right"? For example, redoing, asking for forgiveness, etc. Sometimes our compulsions are only mental. Also, maybe sometimes when we just feel a sense of dread, our best response is to push forward, make a balanced decision and do what we feel is right without going to extremes, and then refuse to ruminate about our choice or go backwards.

 

[Ozious]

Do you have specific things that you do when you feel that you're not doing a work "right"? For example, redoing, asking for forgiveness, etc.

Well most of the time I end up feeling frustrated, disheartened, and condemned, and these negative emotions feel as if they're coming from God despite me knowing they're not. Inevitably, I isolate myself until these emotions go away or until I don't feel as terrible. I guess you could say this is my personal ritual if you can call it that.

 

[Mari17]

Well most of the time I end up feeling frustrated, disheartened, and condemned, and these negative emotions feel as if they're coming from God despite me knowing they're not. Inevitably, I isolate myself until these emotions go away or until I don't feel as terrible. I guess you could say this is my personal ritual if you can call it that.

So, it might be good to identify the different rituals or compulsions you do in response to your negative feelings, and to figure out a healthier way to deal with them, right? What would happen if, instead of isolating yourself, you chose to go about your day despite your feelings?

 

[Ozious]

Oh I probably should've clarified that isolating myself is kind of what helps me calm down. During moments where I'm completely stressed out because of my scrupulosity, interacting with other people usually seem to make it worse. I do go about the rest of my day, but I only do low-stress activities.

 

[Mari17]

Oh, I see. That makes sense. Well, if you'd ever like links to more resources (websites) about dealing with OCD/scrupulosity, just let me know. I also am part of a pretty good support group on Facebook for people with anxiety disorders, which you could join if you want.

 

[Ozious]

Honestly, I think support is exactly what I need right now. I've been having these doubtful feelings about where my faith stands for quite some time. Recently I received a small bit of validation, and it rejuvenated a lot of self-confidence that'd been lost. I started to realize how difficult it was dealing with this alone especially since not many people would understand this condition. Maybe that's why I constantly doubt my own salvation and faith. Maybe it's because I don't have a good support circle to validate me when I need it.

 

[Mari17]

Honestly, I think support is exactly what I need right now. I've been having these doubtful feelings about where my faith stands for quite some time. Recently I received a small bit of validation, and it rejuvenated a lot of self-confidence that'd been lost. I started to realize how difficult it was dealing with this alone especially since not many people would understand this condition. Maybe that's why I constantly doubt my own salvation and faith. Maybe it's because I don't have a good support circle to validate me when I need it.

Then please do join us! Here's the link! Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk

 

[Ozious]

Thank you I'll check it out