Feeling enraged and I don't know why

[BrokenSpirit88]

I wasn't going to post about this at first because when it happened the first time, I was going through a difficult time, I was worrying about the future (something I often do, but know I shouldn't and can't help it) and my mother had too much to drink and she started talking to me about my spirituality and my personal journey/relationship with Jesus.

She started questioning me, demanding to know what I'd learned about God thus far (now keep in my mind my mother is a believer, but she doesn't go to church and some of her behaviors such as drinking have yet to change among other things). She's always talking about spiritual stuff, mostly when she's had a few drinks, and I'm aware of everything she's told me as we used to have bible study with our grandmother (God rest her soul). So it's not like she's telling me anything I don't already know from back then or now.

Now usually when she's like that, I can easily ignore her and even if she does go to far and makes me angry I bounce back pretty quickly because as I've said she was intoxicated.
I told her I didn't want to talk about this anymore because she was drunk and I didn't like talking to her when she was and to leave me alone. She didn't of course and so I decided to leave.

Now I was fine, up until she started hugging me, I don't know what happened at that moment but something snapped and I just felt this intense discomfort and what only feels right to describe as anger. I tried to ignore it over the next two days, but I couldn't. Something happened and eventually it started to fade away and I was fine again. Until yesterday.

I bought a book that I thought was about Christian Living and she started talking to me about it and how I need to stop buying books (I only have two, the one I mentioned and a little daily devotional type book called 'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young) and read my bible and let God speak to me and stuff which i understand. But I'm also trying to seek Christian counsel as best as I can right now not belonging to a church and not being able to go to one right now even if I did, not having friends, and my grandmother who was the most spiritually inclined out of us all has passed. I tried to explain that to her, but she doesn't listen. She was sober this time by the way, she'd had a few beers, but not enough to intoxicate her really.

The feeling returned.

What worries me is I don't know what's causing it. It's not like this is my first rodeo with this situation, I deal with it more often than not.

Why am I so angry? What's wrong with me? I even began to wonder if maybe I'm possessed and the evil in me doesn't want to hear what she has to say. Or maybe I just don't like having my standing with God questioned?

 

[Annner]

I wasn't going to post about this at first because when it happened the first time, I was going through a difficult time, I was worrying about the future (something I often do, but know I shouldn't and can't help it) and my mother had too much to drink and she started talking to me about my spirituality and my personal journey/relationship with Jesus.

She started questioning me, demanding to know what I'd learned about God thus far (now keep in my mind my mother is a believer, but she doesn't go to church and some of her behaviors such as drinking have yet to change among other things). She's always talking about spiritual stuff, mostly when she's had a few drinks, and I'm aware of everything she's told me as we used to have bible study with our grandmother (God rest her soul). So it's not like she's telling me anything I don't already know from back then or now.

Now usually when she's like that, I can easily ignore her and even if she does go to far and makes me angry I bounce back pretty quickly because as I've said she was intoxicated.
I told her I didn't want to talk about this anymore because she was drunk and I didn't like talking to her when she was and to leave me alone. She didn't of course and so I decided to leave.

Now I was fine, up until she started hugging me, I don't know what happened at that moment but something snapped and I just felt this intense discomfort and what only feels right to describe as anger. I tried to ignore it over the next two days, but I couldn't. Something happened and eventually it started to fade away and I was fine again. Until yesterday.

I bought a book that I thought was about Christian Living and she started talking to me about it and how I need to stop buying books (I only have two, the one I mentioned and a little daily devotional type book called 'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young) and read my bible and let God speak to me and stuff which i understand. But I'm also trying to seek Christian counsel as best as I can right now not belonging to a church and not being able to go to one right now even if I did, not having friends, and my grandmother who was the most spiritually inclined out of us all has passed. I tried to explain that to her, but she doesn't listen. She was sober this time by the way, she'd had a few beers, but not enough to intoxicate her really.

The feeling returned.

What worries me is I don't know what's causing it. It's not like this is my first rodeo with this situation, I deal with it more often than not.

Why am I so angry? What's wrong with me? I even began to wonder if maybe I'm possessed and the evil in me doesn't want to hear what she has to say. Or maybe I just don't like having my standing with God questioned?

I dont think there is anything wrong with you. I think it would make anyone uncomfortable to engage with someone who isnt sober. I would tell her its too upsetting to see her drunk and talking to you about the Lord.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

I wasn't going to post about this at first because when it happened the first time, I was going through a difficult time, I was worrying about the future (something I often do, but know I shouldn't and can't help it) and my mother had too much to drink and she started talking to me about my spirituality and my personal journey/relationship with Jesus.

She started questioning me, demanding to know what I'd learned about God thus far (now keep in my mind my mother is a believer, but she doesn't go to church and some of her behaviors such as drinking have yet to change among other things). She's always talking about spiritual stuff, mostly when she's had a few drinks, and I'm aware of everything she's told me as we used to have bible study with our grandmother (God rest her soul). So it's not like she's telling me anything I don't already know from back then or now.

Now usually when she's like that, I can easily ignore her and even if she does go to far and makes me angry I bounce back pretty quickly because as I've said she was intoxicated.
I told her I didn't want to talk about this anymore because she was drunk and I didn't like talking to her when she was and to leave me alone. She didn't of course and so I decided to leave.

Now I was fine, up until she started hugging me, I don't know what happened at that moment but something snapped and I just felt this intense discomfort and what only feels right to describe as anger. I tried to ignore it over the next two days, but I couldn't. Something happened and eventually it started to fade away and I was fine again. Until yesterday.

I bought a book that I thought was about Christian Living and she started talking to me about it and how I need to stop buying books (I only have two, the one I mentioned and a little daily devotional type book called 'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young) and read my bible and let God speak to me and stuff which i understand. But I'm also trying to seek Christian counsel as best as I can right now not belonging to a church and not being able to go to one right now even if I did, not having friends, and my grandmother who was the most spiritually inclined out of us all has passed. I tried to explain that to her, but she doesn't listen. She was sober this time by the way, she'd had a few beers, but not enough to intoxicate her really.

The feeling returned.

What worries me is I don't know what's causing it. It's not like this is my first rodeo with this situation, I deal with it more often than not.

Why am I so angry? What's wrong with me? I even began to wonder if maybe I'm possessed and the evil in me doesn't want to hear what she has to say. Or maybe I just don't like having my standing with God questioned?

I have experienced something similar in the past. Although the person concerned had not been drinking, at some point they would get triggered, and start talking about my relationship with God and Jesus. I always found it best to just nod and smile, knowing that the moment would pass, and they would soon start thinking/talking about something else.

However, I appreciate that if someone has had a few too many, and you are sober, then it can be a lot more irritating and wearing. In that case, is it possible to anticipate their behaviour and go somewhere else for a few hours?

 

[JohnDB]

Look, you are a grown woman...
Get a job. Keep it. See if you can earn enough money to support yourself. (I highly recommend not in public service...as in "would you like fries with that?" Being a regular question you ask customers. )

Commercial artists have to be fast to make a living and it really isn't art ...it's sketches.
From architects to book covers...they really aren't paying much for art or sketches.

Not that what they do doesn't shock and amaze me...and I stand in awe when I see the work done.

One of my favorite things was when my wife and I stopped and paid a sidewalk artist for a chalk drawing of us...it was awesome. That was over thirty years ago and I have been looking for another one...but...

Failed relationships and failed personal goals suck the life out of you.

Don't give up...it just means you didn't succeed.
It's never been about the size of the dog in the fight it's about the size of the fight in the dog. (A dear friend reminded me of that recently)
I've failed plenty over the years. But I've never given up. Even if you can't afford art school doesn't mean that you can't do art.

Singers sing even though they don't have voice lessons...writers write even if they haven't been to college...chefs cook even if they haven't been to culinary school...
It's an expression out of our hearts that makes the creations we make for others around us to enjoy.

You want to learn more about God?
Good...there are literally a ton of rescources to do so.
Same thing with art, music, food, and etc.

God is the creator of all life... even yours.
And to us He granted salvation so that we could have a more abundant life. Meaning that we can cry when it hurts, get angry, and laugh so hard we cry again. We can feel alone even if we aren't...we can be depressed but still have hope...

At 24? Good grief...if I was your age again I wouldn't make it to 54... living that large usually shortens the life span.
And when all this quarantine junk is over I would go to church and make friends in their college and career life groups (small group Bible study)
You might find one still going on around you...they don't bite. Far from it. They are so much fun I've been known to skip the services and just go to small group. (A lot)

Your anger with your mom could be just anger at yourself...she's just there to focus it upon. Kinda like a ventriloquist act...say just the right words and you can now get the other person angry and you can vent your anger and frustration... even if you really don't have any reason to really be angry at them.

 

[Monksailor]

Your mother is sick. Obviously, she is a drunk like my past father was. Children of alcoholics suffer many ills from having alcoholic parents. One of them is what you are feeling. Another may even be PTSD for cases like where I came from. I think that there help groups for children who were "raised" by alcoholic parents which you can join for non-threatening support and understanding. There are rules there which make it even safer than here to share and everyone there shares the same junk to have to deal with. I think most of them, like AA, believe in a "higher power" and will not allow anyone to attack another for doing so. Please guard your heart here.

Your feelings of anger for the situation you are in are acceptable and normal. However, WHAT you do with that anger is critical for your welfare. Internalizing it can be just as destructive as "acting it out." Maybe more so. If you can, I would seek out one of the support groups for children (even if now an adult)/victim of alcoholics, they also have an acronym, and/or a good Christ-based counselor.

You cannot help your alcoholic mother. She has to come to a point where SHE WANTS to help herself and those are very bad places to be, but necessary. Leaving her on her own may help bring this to fruition but NEVER does enabling her to maintain this condition.

Welcome to this site! But do guard your heart as there ARE actually wolves in priestly clothing here. None of us are perfect and some haven't gotten over preying upon the vulnerable, yet.

 

[eleos1954]

I wasn't going to post about this at first because when it happened the first time, I was going through a difficult time, I was worrying about the future (something I often do, but know I shouldn't and can't help it) and my mother had too much to drink and she started talking to me about my spirituality and my personal journey/relationship with Jesus.

She started questioning me, demanding to know what I'd learned about God thus far (now keep in my mind my mother is a believer, but she doesn't go to church and some of her behaviors such as drinking have yet to change among other things). She's always talking about spiritual stuff, mostly when she's had a few drinks, and I'm aware of everything she's told me as we used to have bible study with our grandmother (God rest her soul). So it's not like she's telling me anything I don't already know from back then or now.

Now usually when she's like that, I can easily ignore her and even if she does go to far and makes me angry I bounce back pretty quickly because as I've said she was intoxicated.
I told her I didn't want to talk about this anymore because she was drunk and I didn't like talking to her when she was and to leave me alone. She didn't of course and so I decided to leave.

Now I was fine, up until she started hugging me, I don't know what happened at that moment but something snapped and I just felt this intense discomfort and what only feels right to describe as anger. I tried to ignore it over the next two days, but I couldn't. Something happened and eventually it started to fade away and I was fine again. Until yesterday.

I bought a book that I thought was about Christian Living and she started talking to me about it and how I need to stop buying books (I only have two, the one I mentioned and a little daily devotional type book called 'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young) and read my bible and let God speak to me and stuff which i understand. But I'm also trying to seek Christian counsel as best as I can right now not belonging to a church and not being able to go to one right now even if I did, not having friends, and my grandmother who was the most spiritually inclined out of us all has passed. I tried to explain that to her, but she doesn't listen. She was sober this time by the way, she'd had a few beers, but not enough to intoxicate her really.

The feeling returned.

What worries me is I don't know what's causing it. It's not like this is my first rodeo with this situation, I deal with it more often than not.

Why am I so angry? What's wrong with me? I even began to wonder if maybe I'm possessed and the evil in me doesn't want to hear what she has to say. Or maybe I just don't like having my standing with God questioned?

Her drinking is a big issue .... even though she may not be "intoxicated" at the times when the two of you are discussing scripture ... likely she has thought about spiritual things while being intoxicated before ... and hold some of those thoughts.

When having conversations about spiritual matters ... and the two of you disagree invite her & to open up the word of God with you. Have her show you scripture to gain an understanding why she believes what she believes. Be patient and not critical.

Then .... show her through scripture what you believe and why.

And ... yes .... do so even if she has been drinking ... unless she is highly intoxicated. If that is the case ... then simply say ... now is not a good time to have a discussion about spiritual matters .... can we set a day time where we can study together? I would really enjoy that.

NOTE: I know of many "drunks" who have come to know the Lord .... in spite of their drunkenness.

Does no good to be angry and/or frustrated. One can only put forth what they have studied out and the Lord takes it from there.

If either of you become frustrated and/or angry ... tension in the air ... then just agree to disagree and go on to something else.

Old secular saying: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. ;o)

No matter what ... "keep your cool" ;o)

Pray for her ... ask the Lord to help her overcome her drinking and to open her heart to His words.

May the Lord unite the two of you in Him. Amen.

 

[Albion]

Broken Spirit, It sounds like your isolation (for want of a more precise word) has understandably intensified feelings that otherwise probably would not be as powerful and persistent as you report. Is there nothing you can do to moderate that?

 

[DebbieJ]

You're angry because of your mom's drinking habit. You're exposed to that kind of environment for a prolonged period of time and I believe it has conditioned your mind to the point that you'll become angry for no reason at all. It's more like a person being exposed to a stressful situation on a regular basis. It has come to a point that when his phone rings, he becomes nervous and agitated, only to find out later that it's only his girlfriend inviting him for dinner.

If you have somewhere else to stay, it could be your first step to healing your mind. Surrounding yourself with positive environment and positive people will be of great help to you.

Whenever my mind is preoccupied with so many things, I just drive my car in the middle of the night and drive to nowhere, enjoying the cool breeze and the empty streets until I reach the beach and enjoy the sunrise.

 

[Monksailor]

I can ONLY GUESS how you really feel, none of us really know, but I would suppose only going by my experience that you are mostly angry, regardless of the reason, because you are not getting the kind of selfless, mature, nurturing, protective, and responsible love you SHOULD BE from your mother, parent, guardian.

You have probably had to grow up way too fast in order to take care of yourself and survive. When one is forced to grow up prematurely they do so ill-equipped with the tools unavailable which maturity through time provides. Many different dysfunctional coping and surviving methods are developed by children raised by alcoholics and abusive and neglectful parents of which many stay with them into adulthood. We have our work cut out for us and probably many counseling sessions.

BUT NEVER, NEVER, NEVER FORGET THAT WE NOW HAVE A LOVING, POWERFUL, WISE, CARING, GENTLE, PROTECTIVE, AND ENCOURAGING FATHER WHO HAS CHOSEN US INTO ADOPTION. HE HAS PROMISED TO NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US AND HE DOESN'T; WE ONLY LEAVE HIM, BUT HE IS WAITING TO EMBRACE US AND LOVE US BACK EVERY TIME. AND HE HAS A PLAN OF PROSPERING IN OUR LIVES FOR EVERY ONE OF HIS CHILDREN.