No, its not, really. It's more like I'm nihilist what on Earth am I going to church for. What if I'm wrong about going, and I've showed up for no reason. I might not be an embarrassment to others, but I would be to myself.
Hi again, Melony.
I think you've been given good advice. Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself. I'm not sure I would bother with the Liturgy books while you're there either, but that's up to you. It's more an intellectual thinking aspect though. You can read the text of the Divine Liturgy or other services online before you go to familiarize yourself if you want to have some idea, but don't want to bother with it during the service.
From what you've said here and elsewhere, maybe you'd better enjoy just going and being there. There will be plenty to look at, listen to, the incense, and more without layering reading words over it all as well. Unless you want to.
By the way, coming and going during the Liturgy shouldn't be a problem. There are a few times we wait - if the Gospel is being read, or when the Eucharist or Gospel is carried out from the Altar, but other than that people come and go if necessary and just try not to disturb others.
But as far as existential questions, I'd say give yourself a break and don't worry about it. No one can force those kinds of revelations or understanding. Give yourself time.
(And if it makes you feel better about giving yourself a chance, before I thought I would become Orthodox, I was aware of many very practical tools and ways of thinking the Church has that can be of great benefit. If your mind demands you have a concrete goal, at least know that these can be found there as well, if that helps prevent you feeling you might be "wasting time".)
But do take your time, and be gentle with yourself, and I'd say don't give any weight to any thoughts that embarrass you.
Peace to you.
I also see you are engaged to be married, so congratulations about that 
lol
