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Feeling alienated from the church

Merrill

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Tough post for me to make on a Christian forum, but I have been feeling alienated from the church for some time now. My perceptions may not be correct, fair, or even real, but they are mine. I grew up Catholic, and it was a rough road. I was a difficult kid in some ways (not a "bad" or criminal kid), and this led my Catholic schools to refuse to let me attend religious retreats and events. A priest yelled at me when I was 10 during my first confession. I was never confirmed.

In later years, I gravitated back to the church and joined the Newman club in college. But after some initial promise, I felt the other students were giving me the cold shoulder. After I became a teacher, I was granted an interview at a pretty good Catholic school, but didn't get the job.

I left the Catholic Church in my 30s and have attended evangelical churches. But I have found that

1. These churches tend to be feminized spaces: the women's groups are much stronger than the men's.
2. I don't know how to "say the right things", use the correct buzzwords, or repeat the rhetoric people in these churches are looking for. I try to be honest and genuine, but everything seems like a pantomime to me.
3. I took a graduate class in theology with other members of my church, and while I thought I did very well, a wrote strong papers, the instructor was dismissive and discouraging towards me

I could go on and on, but my overall feeling and impression is one on the outside who will never be part of this faith and fellowship. Doesn't mean I don't love Jesus, it just means the church is somewhere my wife goes to do "her thing".

not sure if anyone else has felt this, but it isn't a good feeling
 

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Tough post for me to make on a Christian forum, but I have been feeling alienated from the church for some time now. My perceptions may not be correct, fair, or even real, but they are mine. I grew up Catholic, and it was a rough road. I was a difficult kid in some ways (not a "bad" or criminal kid), and this led my Catholic schools to refuse to let me attend religious retreats and events. A priest yelled at me when I was 10 during my first confession. I was never confirmed.

In later years, I gravitated back to the church and joined the Newman club in college. But after some initial promise, I felt the other students were giving me the cold shoulder. After I became a teacher, I was granted an interview at a pretty good Catholic school, but didn't get the job.

I left the Catholic Church in my 30s and have attended evangelical churches. But I have found that

1. These churches tend to be feminized spaces: the women's groups are much stronger than the men's.
2. I don't know how to "say the right things", use the correct buzzwords, or repeat the rhetoric people in these churches are looking for. I try to be honest and genuine, but everything seems like a pantomime to me.
3. I took a graduate class in theology with other members of my church, and while I thought I did very well, a wrote strong papers, the instructor was dismissive and discouraging towards me

I could go on and on, but my overall feeling and impression is one on the outside who will never be part of this faith and fellowship. Doesn't mean I don't love Jesus, it just means the church is somewhere my wife goes to do "her thing".

not sure if anyone else has felt this, but it isn't a good feeling

Feeling alienated from the Church? A lot of us do, Merrill. But just keep in mind that this doesn't mean you have to actually be alienated from all other Christians. All that's important is to find at least a few, or several sincere fellow Christians with whom you can relate with in life. This whole "gotta go to the local corporately institutionalized church on a city corner" thing is highly overrated, and I think we can see this being the case if we reflect enough upon what many of us already know about Christian history and social psychology.

But yeah. I feel ya!
 
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Merrill

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Feeling alienated from the Church? A lot of us do, Merrill. But just keep in mind that this doesn't mean you have to actually be alienated from all other Christians. All that's important is to find at least a few, or several sincere fellow Christians with whom you can relate with in life. This whole "gotta go to the local corporately institutionalized church on a city corner" thing is highly overrated, and I think we can see this being the case if we reflect enough upon many of us already know about Christian history and social psychology.

But yeah. I feel ya!
thanks brother

my wife is way into the church, and that is great. I do not want to discourage her, but I always feel I am on the outside looking in

I suppose those big churches are overrated and institutionalized --sometimes feels like the popular kids in a high-school cafeteria lol (terrible to say I know, but that is my impression)

faith for me is a fundamental, difficult, and agonizing thing. It is a struggle, and a journey. It isn't membership in a club, or a special language
 
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2PhiloVoid

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thanks brother
No problem, Merrell!
my wife is way into the church, and that is great. I do not want to discourage her, but I always feel I am on the outside looking in
Oh, I've felt that way too, and I've already told one or two others here that I sometimes feel like the kid standking outside the old Christmas Toy Store, looking through the glass at all the other kids and parents inside the toy store.

I appreciate very much the fact that you don't discourage your wife from going. You're a good husband.


I suppose those big churches are overrated and institutionalized --sometimes feels like the popular kids in a high-school cafeteria lol (terrible to say I know, but that is my impression)
Yes. That's another good impression of it, I think.
faith for me is a fundamental, difficult, and agonizing thing. It is a struggle, and a journey. It isn't membership in a club, or a special language

I want to know where you've purchased your hammer, because you're hitting the nail right on the head about this. It's so true. And many of us feel similarly out here. We're hanging out but hanging on in faith.

But I've run into my share of fellow brethren who make it difficult to step through the door and take a seat in the pew.
 
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lismore

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thanks brother

my wife is way into the church, and that is great. I do not want to discourage her, but I always feel I am on the outside looking in

I suppose those big churches are overrated and institutionalized --sometimes feels like the popular kids in a high-school cafeteria lol (terrible to say I know, but that is my impression)

faith for me is a fundamental, difficult, and agonizing thing. It is a struggle, and a journey. It isn't membership in a club, or a special language
Hello Merrill. Churches can be socially cliquey and very difficult for someone on the outside to make a breakthough into. Churchgoers can often be less than friendly and welcoming. Sad but true. It can take a lot of time and effort to find something worthwhile, but yes indeed worthwhile when you find it. My advice would be to pray to God for guidance and to keep trying, maybe also think outside the box. Maybe a group or denomination that you wouldn't at first think of.

My background was Catholic/Charismatic to pentecostal. In 2009, after bad experiences caused me to leave an AOG church I ended up in a Baptist Church, where I have had some good seasons. But a Baptist Church was the last church I thought I would have been in.

God Bless You :)
 
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AlexB23

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Tough post for me to make on a Christian forum, but I have been feeling alienated from the church for some time now. My perceptions may not be correct, fair, or even real, but they are mine. I grew up Catholic, and it was a rough road. I was a difficult kid in some ways (not a "bad" or criminal kid), and this led my Catholic schools to refuse to let me attend religious retreats and events. A priest yelled at me when I was 10 during my first confession. I was never confirmed.

In later years, I gravitated back to the church and joined the Newman club in college. But after some initial promise, I felt the other students were giving me the cold shoulder. After I became a teacher, I was granted an interview at a pretty good Catholic school, but didn't get the job.

I left the Catholic Church in my 30s and have attended evangelical churches. But I have found that

1. These churches tend to be feminized spaces: the women's groups are much stronger than the men's.
2. I don't know how to "say the right things", use the correct buzzwords, or repeat the rhetoric people in these churches are looking for. I try to be honest and genuine, but everything seems like a pantomime to me.
3. I took a graduate class in theology with other members of my church, and while I thought I did very well, a wrote strong papers, the instructor was dismissive and discouraging towards me

I could go on and on, but my overall feeling and impression is one on the outside who will never be part of this faith and fellowship. Doesn't mean I don't love Jesus, it just means the church is somewhere my wife goes to do "her thing".

not sure if anyone else has felt this, but it isn't a good feeling
One does not need a building to be Christian, all one needs is faith in Jesus. But, as you want to find a church, I recommend joining a men's group at a church, and maybe try to find a church that is more communal and community oriented. Evangelical churches may not be the best idea, maybe a church that is nondenominational or Anglican (not the woke version) might work better.

Also, church leaders and instructors can be jerks sometimes, so do not let that one experience with a Catholic priest yelling at you or a crappy instructor discourage you from church going. Remember, the greatest enemy of Christianity is hypocrisy by those who say they are Christian, but instead are abusive.
 
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Richard T

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Sorry to hear of your struggles. Some churches are more accepting than others. Many evangelical churches too are all over the map in certain doctrines including some that are quite unfriendly to Catholics. I would just lay that at the feet of Jesus,
Most people should have love and concern. If they are lacking, I just challenge you to continue on the best you can. Look at them as your mission to help, rather than you being there to receive from them.
I think too there are many who are tired of religion and the vibe of many denominations. Some simply are not too genuine. So hopefully you can find outlets and opportunities for fellowship not only in your church but in other settings as well.
In all though, see this as an opportunity for your faith. To either find a more Christlike church or stick around so that you can hopefully make an impact in your local church. I pray that God shows you and your wife, your place in the body of Christ and that the gifts of God that are in you will have God make room for you to be impactful and relevant.
 
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Unqualified

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Forgive them @Merrill and don’t forsake the meeting of the saints.’ That’s what Paul says. But it’s the preaching in churches that’s important and getting fed the word of God. That’s where the power is. To forgive, to read the Bible, and to have a changed life. Keep forgiving if you’re hearing the inspired Word.

i feel that way too somewhat but I keep going because God says. You can give and hear and put it into practice there. If you’re getting something out of it and growing it’s good. But don’t stay by yourself too much.
 
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timf

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The comparison of a typical church to high school is not unreasonable. The social dynamics that form around an organizational system tend to crystalize in similar ways.

Groups usually require acculturation. For those who retain individual perspectives, full immersion may not be possible. Most churches will accept the peripheral "oddball", the right hand of fellowship may not be fully extended.

There can be an individual connection (as opposed to group acceptance) if you can find an individual open accepting discussion and inquiry.

The web site Christian Pioneer may be for those with poor church experiences
 
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turkle

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It sounds like you have had this experience of being on the outside for most of your life. Which leads me to believe that the important thing to look at for answers is the common denominator. That would be you.

I've known people over the years who stayed on the periphery of social groups. They shared some common characteristics: self conscious, generally negative perspectives, turned-in body language, unfriendly demeanors. Do you exhibit anything like that? Are you warm and friendly, or do you tend to be self protective? Are you engaging?

Social skills can be hard to learn, but they can be learned. My guess is that you might benefit by being open and friendly, if you are not. It sounds like your wife doesn't have any trouble with the people at church, so maybe observe her behavior and how others respond to her, and learn from her. Watch people who have lots of friends and how they relate to others. You could pick up some pointers there too.

If you are shy or self-conscious, you may be giving the vibe that you are unapproachable. Open and friendly people don't think about themselves as much as they focus on other people.

If you practice being engaging and warm, I think you will find that others will respond to you positively.

If what I have written here doesn't pertain to you, then what do you think it is about you that keeps people at arms length? It sounds like there is room for growth for you, and I wish you well in your journey.
 
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seeking.IAM

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Merrill, I often think our reactions of church are rooted in our own expectations. If we expect to find connection, fellowship, and acknowledgement and fail to find it we are disappointed and feel very much on the outside of things. Consider on the other hand someone who only expects worship, praise, singing, and the occasional good sermon. That person is impacted less by those other things. They simply lose their importance.

In any case, this thread reminds me of the welcome a Rev. Nadia Bolz-Weber used to give at the start of her services. She welcomed from the pulpit first time visitors saying something like, "Welcome to All Sinners and Saints Lutheran Church. We are the Church and we will disappoint you." Her point was that they were all a bunch of flawed human beings who didn't always do or say the right thing. That has always stuck with me, especially when I expect more from a church than they seem to be giving.
 
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Merrill

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It sounds like you have had this experience of being on the outside for most of your life. Which leads me to believe that the important thing to look at for answers is the common denominator. That would be you.

I've known people over the years who stayed on the periphery of social groups. They shared some common characteristics: self conscious, generally negative perspectives, turned-in body language, unfriendly demeanors. Do you exhibit anything like that? Are you warm and friendly, or do you tend to be self protective? Are you engaging?

Social skills can be hard to learn, but they can be learned. My guess is that you might benefit by being open and friendly, if you are not. It sounds like your wife doesn't have any trouble with the people at church, so maybe observe her behavior and how others respond to her, and learn from her. Watch people who have lots of friends and how they relate to others. You could pick up some pointers there too.

If you are shy or self-conscious, you may be giving the vibe that you are unapproachable. Open and friendly people don't think about themselves as much as they focus on other people.

If you practice being engaging and warm, I think you will find that others will respond to you positively.

If what I have written here doesn't pertain to you, then what do you think it is about you that keeps people at arms length? It sounds like there is room for growth for you, and I wish you well in your journey.
Not really: I have a lot of friends actually, and some social groups I hang out in. When I throw a Christmas party at the end of the year, 50 people show up at my house

I am a bit shy when meeting new people, but Im friendly and generally outgoing. This isn't a case of people in the church refusing to have contact with me, or viewing me as negative or hostile--that is not the case at all.

it is the difference between polite small-talk within a cliquey environment, and making meaningful connections and friendships within the fellowship.
 
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seeking.IAM

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it is the difference between polite small-talk within a cliquey environment, and making meaningful connections and friendships within the fellowship.

When I was a teenager, my minister-dad said he always knew it was time to start the service the moment he spied me walking in the church door. I didn't intend to get there early enough to create space for small talk. As an adult, I have often found making a bee line for the door after the benediction useful. ;)
 
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David Lamb

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When I was a teenager, my minister-dad said he always knew it was time to start the service the moment he spied me walking in the church door. I didn't intend to get there early enough to create space for small talk. As an adult, I have often found making a bee line for the door after the benediction useful. ;)
That's a sad situation, if I understand you correctly. Do you really mean you do all you can to avoid interacting with your fellow church members?
 
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Serah's Faith

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I think many of us are dissatisfied with the churches and the religions; Jesus told us in Revelation 2:17 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.
Our faith should be watered and cared for by each of us on our personal journey, so that when trials and tribulations occur, we can smile. We should know that God is watching out for us, and like He did for Job, He will strengthen our faith so that we will soar like the dragonfly when we emerge from our earthly cocoons. God is not religious... <3
 
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Serah's Faith

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That's a sad situation, if I understand you correctly. Do you really mean you do all you can to avoid interacting with your fellow church members?
I think it is easy to retreat when you have many years under your belt; it is easy to put our faith in God, but hard to put any faith in man(kind). As we get older, we find it harder to socialise, due to situations from our past. It is harder to find a group of similarly minded people like ourselves, but well worth the effort. Going out and having a good time is good for the soul. <3
 
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Dave G.

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CS Lewis had a lot to say about this feeling of oneness or almost as though you're alone in a group of believers but together with Jesus. Live your faith for Him ! You may stand out as a distinction one day. See, when you're like this with the Lord, people do see it but they don't know how to process it. Keep your classes and knowledge and most of all your faith up.

By the way, I call myself, and openly, my wife's chauffeur to church. She is a lead singer, she has formed duets and trios and still herself feels different from the churches desires in some ways. I have a license to preach and to lead and am not used. We are both called to types of ministry, while she is used, I am not. I sit in the pew preaching to myself what the pastor is preaching as the service goes on. Why am I even there ? Well their doctrine and organized service really has no position for what I could do there. They have decons, two pastors etc. already in place. So I go To get my wife there and for a little fellowship. In my case I already belong to another church though, and I too after I came to Christ as the bible describes, left the Catholic church. Once receiving Christ, the Catholic service and some priests just angered me to where I wanted to stand up and yell back at them. This is not a healthy way to get nourished in church, lol. So I took that to prayer. If you take things to prayer in certain ways, you might be surprised at the outcome the Lord Himself provides. Don't be disturbed, the Lord may be doing a work in the background that has not matured or manifested in your life yet. What you need is to tap into Him ! Let the church be as it may.

I've been separate all my life, even as a child 1-2 friends were more than enough, or nobody for that matter. But friends just kind of happened. I have Christ, this brings great peace.
 
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seeking.IAM

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That's a sad situation, if I understand you correctly. Do you really mean you do all you can to avoid interacting with your fellow church members?
No, not always, but it's been useful sometimes (notice the qualifier in my post, "often"). At other times, I have been Senior Warden of the Vestry, chaired the Investment Committee, been on the Finance Committee, chaired a Staff-Parish committee, taught Sunday School classes for middle schoolers and adults, enjoyed the near-sacrament of coffee hour, tent camped with church members, etc. There is one hard and fast rule which I have only violated once across several decades. I don't do potlucks, so there is that.

The point I wanted to make for OP is that, to me, the primary purpose of church attendance is worship, not fellowship. If social issues make someone uncomfortable for some reason, they can do church without them and still find an enriching experience to be valued. And then, who knows where that might take you. (But I still can't recommend potlucks.)
 
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OldAbramBrown

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When it does come to fellowship I am serially exasperated by groups that don't care about the quality of interaction (hysterics) having now been replaced by those which totally squash interaction altogether. I'm praying for opportunities, but probably everyone else was trained not to.

Forbidding women to teach men means they don't get to explain how to perform their works of mercy and whether they believe in Holy Spirit or not. (This can't be good for boys.) Then being unmarried - thus far - I'm not "male" anyway.

Seeking to value and support others' minds marks me as suspect.

My old-fashioned Bible says He made them male AND female, not male minus female or male instead of female. My God is additive and the "god" of the people in charge is subtractive (less-than; zeroes). Doctrines are now only church order (stranglehold on mixing without permission) and are a maximum not to even be attained, let alone a minimum to be copiously exceeded: in my old-fashioned Bible again it says "love believes ALL things".

It turns out that not only meaning, but belief is frowned on.

It can't be reasonably maintained that for those temperamentally not into the more flighty kinds of small talk, we aren't meant to use what faith we are supposed to share, in our conversational gambits. But what effort we make, certainly isn't enough, or not the right kind, in the eyes of the trendy religion authorities.
 
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JEBofChristTheLord

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Find yourself a decent church. Find yourself one that remembers that communion is not just bread and wine et cetera, it is brotherhood and sisterhood in Christ, it is active conversation of all sorts. Find yourself one that focusses not on what others have said, but what Christ the Lord has said, done, discussed, and encouraged. Since you are a woman, you are vulnerable in increased ways to bad foci; find a church that encourages women to speak, to speak up and talk back and ask questions, the way Christ the Lord did!
 
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