Feel forced into marriage with unbeliever!

Nicole Wenskunas

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I've been engaged for 3.5yrs and have been with my fiance for almost 10 years and have three children. I always said I was a believer but never truly acted like it and was not knowledgeable in the Word. I recently came back to the Lord and have realized the seriousness of my life choices. The verse that fornicators will never enter the kingdom of heaven haunts me to no end. As well as the verse not to be unequally yoked. I feel like I am pressured into marrying my fiance because we have three children and have been together for so long.
I have nothing to my name. I came into the relationship with a job, a car, and money and i now have NOTHING. Literally zero dollars. I'm now a stay-at-home Mom. I keep being told by his family that if I leave him then he will never be saved and that he has changed so much since meeting me, so I feel a horrible guilt. He also told me when I previously left him, (because of anger issues) that he was going to join the army to get himself killed.
We are completely different, he drinks a lot, mocks people Constantly, I never hear anything positive, he watches inappropriate contentography all the time, even with me at home! Then he tells me I shouldn't make him feel bad for masturbating and those girls mean nothing and aren't real to him. He watches inappropriate shows on TV in front of kids and tells me "Babe just stop!" when I tell him he can not have that on around the children. He will then shut it off and turn it on when I go to another room. He does go to church with me but he constantly uses God's name in vain even though I've been asking him to stop for many years because it offends me and he should have consideration for what I believe. I feel like my walk with God is hindered and my attitude has gone downhill. I cry after sex and do not enjoy it because I know it's wrong, but I'm always feeling pressured to perform.
I don't know if I have to marry him because this is the path I chose and children are involved. Or if I should leave. It's a horrible feeling. I feel sick. I feel so stuck! I'm constantly praying but I don't know what God wants me to do! A former pastor told me I'm under grace because of my situation and I don't need to worry. But I'm not so sure that's true because fornication is still fornication.
 

Maria Billingsley

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I've been engaged for 3.5yrs and have been with my fiance for almost 10 years and have three children. I always said I was a believer but never truly acted like it and was not knowledgeable in the Word. I recently came back to the Lord and have realized the seriousness of my life choices. The verse that fornicators will never enter the kingdom of heaven haunts me to no end. As well as the verse not to be unequally yoked. I feel like I am pressured into marrying my fiance because we have three children and have been together for so long.
I have nothing to my name. I came into the relationship with a job, a car, and money and i now have NOTHING. Literally zero dollars. I'm now a stay-at-home Mom. I keep being told by his family that if I leave him then he will never be saved and that he has changed so much since meeting me, so I feel a horrible guilt. He also told me when I previously left him, (because of anger issues) that he was going to join the army to get himself killed.
We are completely different, he drinks a lot, mocks people Constantly, I never hear anything positive, he watches inappropriate contentography all the time, even with me at home! Then he tells me I shouldn't make him feel bad for masturbating and those girls mean nothing and aren't real to him. He watches inappropriate shows on TV in front of kids and tells me "Babe just stop!" when I tell him he can not have that on around the children. He will then shut it off and turn it on when I go to another room. He does go to church with me but he constantly uses God's name in vain even though I've been asking him to stop for many years because it offends me and he should have consideration for what I believe. I feel like my walk with God is hindered and my attitude has gone downhill. I cry after sex and do not enjoy it because I know it's wrong, but I'm always feeling pressured to perform.
I don't know if I have to marry him because this is the path I chose and children are involved. Or if I should leave. It's a horrible feeling. I feel sick. I feel so stuck! I'm constantly praying but I don't know what God wants me to do! A former pastor told me I'm under grace because of my situation and I don't need to worry. But I'm not so sure that's true because fornication is still fornication.
The first thing I would recommend is to move out and be celibate. This is the way to go if you want self preservation. If you want to care about your family, marry your fellow fornicator so that you are man and wife. That will then be the foundation to work from to bring both of you to the narrow road that Christ speaks of.
It will not be easy either way. On a brighter note, God has convicted you! Amen!
Blessings
 
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Messerve

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I've been engaged for 3.5yrs and have been with my fiance for almost 10 years and have three children. I always said I was a believer but never truly acted like it and was not knowledgeable in the Word. I recently came back to the Lord and have realized the seriousness of my life choices. The verse that fornicators will never enter the kingdom of heaven haunts me to no end. As well as the verse not to be unequally yoked. I feel like I am pressured into marrying my fiance because we have three children and have been together for so long.
I have nothing to my name. I came into the relationship with a job, a car, and money and i now have NOTHING. Literally zero dollars. I'm now a stay-at-home Mom. I keep being told by his family that if I leave him then he will never be saved and that he has changed so much since meeting me, so I feel a horrible guilt. He also told me when I previously left him, (because of anger issues) that he was going to join the army to get himself killed.
We are completely different, he drinks a lot, mocks people Constantly, I never hear anything positive, he watches inappropriate contentography all the time, even with me at home! Then he tells me I shouldn't make him feel bad for masturbating and those girls mean nothing and aren't real to him. He watches inappropriate shows on TV in front of kids and tells me "Babe just stop!" when I tell him he can not have that on around the children. He will then shut it off and turn it on when I go to another room. He does go to church with me but he constantly uses God's name in vain even though I've been asking him to stop for many years because it offends me and he should have consideration for what I believe. I feel like my walk with God is hindered and my attitude has gone downhill. I cry after sex and do not enjoy it because I know it's wrong, but I'm always feeling pressured to perform.
I don't know if I have to marry him because this is the path I chose and children are involved. Or if I should leave. It's a horrible feeling. I feel sick. I feel so stuck! I'm constantly praying but I don't know what God wants me to do! A former pastor told me I'm under grace because of my situation and I don't need to worry. But I'm not so sure that's true because fornication is still fornication.

Well... I'm sure a lot of women are going to try to pressure you to leave him, just the way these things tend to go. That may or may not be the right choice.

While the stuff he does is wrong and you hate feeling like you have to participate in it or are disrespected, you do love him, right? If you have been together for ten years and engaged for 3.5 (why no wedding yet?) I think it's obvious you do, unless all that time it was purely because of pressure from his and his family. I certainly hope not.

I know you want to leave because he is a detriment to your own walk with Jesus. However, if it's true he has been going to church with you and his family has noticed a change in him, then it's not something to take lightly either...

So you have one of two options:

1. Separate permanently and share the children as ex's do. Usually not great for the kids and can create nasty child custody issues and additional mothers and fathers in the picture complicating things greatly. It wouldn't keep them away from your fiance's influence because he would still have a right to have time with them once in awhile. And then you may not even be around with them when they are together, so it could be a very negative situation for the kids. You win in this situation, but not necessarily anyone else.

2. This won't be nice to hear, but perhaps you should actually get married... That would end the fornication issue and the children would still have two parents together. The loser in this situation is yourself, obviously, as you would have to continue living with someone who does not hold to the same standards as yourself. However, you could at least guard your children from his influences better and continue to be a witness to him more regularly. I would definitely be in much prayer for him and have others praying, too..

Personally I would go with option 2. I know couples where once spouse was saved and the other wasn't. And it wasn't easy, but they remained together. The wife or husband would have to put up with all kinds of things at home - drunkenness, inappropriate contentography, verbal or physical abuse. Yet the growth in their faith through perseverance is evident. I can think of a few key men involved in my congregation who's wives are not saved, yet they attend church regularly and are an example to many. Some of them have convinced their wives to join them once in awhile, but nothing has really changed yet. And in the same way, I know of women in the Church who have husbands that are always drunk and abusive and basically good for nothing, yet they are like shining jewels amongst the Believers whose deep faith and vibrant prayer life is evident as a result of their longsuffering.

In some of these couples, the spouse has finally met Jesus. But not all yet. It's not a guarantee, but if your fiance has showed minute signs of change and does join you at church, I think there is hope.

As you said, you have come back to the Lord, so keep your eyes on Him and not so much on the problems at home. Find a group of godly women to meet with and maybe get your kids out of the house by spending time at their homes. And pray. Continuously.

Those are my thoughts. As I said, I think you can probably support option 1 or 2 biblically, depending on all the details, but I'm just sharing which I'd probably lean toward.

Oh, and the unequally yoked part of it... Well, though it would be accurate of your marriage, there is also the fact that you have been together so long living like a married couple. 1 Corinthians 7:12-15 addresses living with an unsaved spouse - like the situations of couples at my church I mentioned.

When Jesus met the woman at the well, he mentioned the fact that she had had multiple husbands and her current man was not even her husband. Interestingly, though, Jesus never said to her "You must leave him and follow me." But He revealed to her the truth of His Word as "living water" for her soul so that she could tell it to everyone else (and most likely her current live-in).

This is a good article and accurately summarizes my opinion. Particularly this quote: "Abiding in Christ enables a believing wife to live with and thrive in a happy marriage with her unbelieving husband."

Thriving in a Spiritually Mismatched Marriage
 
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turkle

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Such a sad situation. Now that you have children, they are the most important part of the equation. A parent must always put the children first above their own desires.

If your fiance thinks that there is no problem with inappropriate entertainment around his children, then I would never leave them alone with him. If he thinks that it's acceptable to expose children to these things, then I can only assume he thinks other inappropriate things are acceptable as well. That would mean staying with him so that you can supervise. If you separate, he will have them alone, and I would not trust that. The children must be protected above all.

You are not being forced into marriage. You made your choice a long time ago when you started having children with this person, and the sad consequence of that choice is your priority must no longer be yourself, but them. What ever you decide to do about your situation, please keep them as that priority and protect them. Otherwise, you will have more severe consequences when they develop emotional and psychological problems resulting from exposure to things they should not see, ending in them facing terrible consequences as well. I'm really sorry for you that there is no easy way out of this, and I wish you well. Please be in constant prayer for direction in the choices that you make.
 
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eleos1954

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I've been engaged for 3.5yrs and have been with my fiance for almost 10 years and have three children. I always said I was a believer but never truly acted like it and was not knowledgeable in the Word. I recently came back to the Lord and have realized the seriousness of my life choices. The verse that fornicators will never enter the kingdom of heaven haunts me to no end. As well as the verse not to be unequally yoked. I feel like I am pressured into marrying my fiance because we have three children and have been together for so long.
I have nothing to my name. I came into the relationship with a job, a car, and money and i now have NOTHING. Literally zero dollars. I'm now a stay-at-home Mom. I keep being told by his family that if I leave him then he will never be saved and that he has changed so much since meeting me, so I feel a horrible guilt. He also told me when I previously left him, (because of anger issues) that he was going to join the army to get himself killed.
We are completely different, he drinks a lot, mocks people Constantly, I never hear anything positive, he watches inappropriate contentography all the time, even with me at home! Then he tells me I shouldn't make him feel bad for masturbating and those girls mean nothing and aren't real to him. He watches inappropriate shows on TV in front of kids and tells me "Babe just stop!" when I tell him he can not have that on around the children. He will then shut it off and turn it on when I go to another room. He does go to church with me but he constantly uses God's name in vain even though I've been asking him to stop for many years because it offends me and he should have consideration for what I believe. I feel like my walk with God is hindered and my attitude has gone downhill. I cry after sex and do not enjoy it because I know it's wrong, but I'm always feeling pressured to perform.
I don't know if I have to marry him because this is the path I chose and children are involved. Or if I should leave. It's a horrible feeling. I feel sick. I feel so stuck! I'm constantly praying but I don't know what God wants me to do! A former pastor told me I'm under grace because of my situation and I don't need to worry. But I'm not so sure that's true because fornication is still fornication.

you say you are stuck ... but you really are not. You can walk away and start a new life (you and the kids) ... it will be difficult ... but if you stay with him will be difficult as well .... so stay or go ???? which presents the best for you and your children?

To a certain degree it sounds like you have already left ... emotionally.

Is it just guilt of having sex and not being married? Are there other things? Need to evaluate all things.

Praying the Lord will bring you peace and understanding. In Jesus name, Amen.
 
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Elliewaves

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Well you aren't really being forced.....you chose this relationship , chose to accept his proposal , and kept having kids with him. A bad situation was created with your participation , not forced upon you. That said, you aren't married to him but you are forever in each others lives because you have children together . I think at this point you need to make choices that will have a positive outcome for your children. I also think you need to get counsel with your pastor or his wife.
 
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