Feedback request re boundaries principles & application in marriage & parenting

[The Living Stones]

My spouse and I have a recurring conflict about how each other’s assistance is enlisted. We’d like feedback to help us understand each other and our communication a bit better.

One of us sees the initial communication as trampling on boundaries, but the other thinks it’s totally fine and thinks the other one is being pedantic about exact words used in communication.

Here’s the scenario. One of our kids (aged two, just out of nappies) says “I need to go to the toilet” with both parents present and in the conversation. Parent A says to the two-year old: “Parent B will take you to the toilet.”

Parent B feels that communication does not give them the freedom to easily say “no” because the kid’s expectations have become involved. Parent A is fine if negotiation is necessary (i.e., if Parent B needs to say they can’t take the child to the toilet Parent A would be fine to renegotiate) and feels that teamwork is important and such communication is appropriate to the situation.

Parent A values teamwork and cooperation in parenting and feels that they are paramount to the situation. Parent B values freedom and boundaries in communication and feels that they are paramount to the situation.

Parent B suggested an alternative response for Parent A to the child needing to go to the toilet. That is, for Parent A to say to the child: “Can you ask Parent B to take you to the toilet?” (I’m calling this Option 2.)

Both parents are totally OK with the second option, but Parent A thinks the first option (i.e., saying “Parent B will take you to the toilet”, Option 1) is equivalent and just as appropriate.

Parent A thinks that Parent B’s desire for only the second option is splitting hairs and that most people would see both options as equivalent. Parent A is trying to rote-learn to respond along the lines of Option 2, but neither spouse is keen on a rote-learned approach to healthy communication. There are frequent uses of either option.

Parent B thinks that Parent A’s belief that both options are equivalent misses a principle of boundaries and that most people would see option 2 as not only preferable, but that option 1 would be ruled out on principle.

The question for you all is:

Which is appropriate for Parent A to respond to a two-year-old child saying they need to go to the toilet when Parent A is otherwise occupied:
Option 1: “Parent B will take you to the toilet."
Option 2: “Can you ask Parent B to take you to the toilet?”
Option 3: Both are equivalent / fine.
Option 4: There’s another better way - please elaborate.

 

[snoochface]

Jeez. Just take your kid to the toilet. Does this really amount to a communication issue? Option 1, take the kid to the bathroom and then come back to what you're doing. Option 2, discuss communication while the kid goes on the floor. You both seem to be seriously overthinking this.

 

[maintenance man]

Which is appropriate for Parent A to respond to a two-year-old child saying they need to go to the toilet when Parent A is otherwise occupied:
Option 1: “Parent B will take you to the toilet."
Option 2: “Can you ask Parent B to take you to the toilet?”
Option 3: Both are equivalent / fine.
Option 4: There’s another better way - please elaborate.

Parent A should ask Parent B not tell the child to do it. "B, I'm busy with whatever, can you please take our child to the toilet."

Just assuming the other will do it is rude. Maybe B is also busy.

The child is the most important thing - Not A & B

Both A & B should be ready to drop anything to help the child.

 

[Paidiske]

If I were Parent B, I would not like "Parent B will take you to the toilet." That doesn't feel like teamwork or cooperation, it feels like Parent A has decided to opt out of toileting help and avoid it by unilaterally "delegating" to Parent B.

Either Parent A should ask Parent B, or "Can you ask parent B...?" (bit circuitous if the kid needs to go in a hurry, so maybe not practical) is fine.

It does also depend a bit on context. If Parent A is multi-tasking, cooking and taking a work call on the phone, or something, and the kid needs to go... then a quick "Parent B will take you" is less rude than if Parent A is kicking back with a book and a glass of wine while Parent B runs around doing domestic chores.

 

[Llleopard]

Parent A should ask Parent B not tell the child to do it. "B, I'm busy with whatever, can you please take our child to the toilet."

Just assuming the other will do it is rude. Maybe B is also busy.

The child is the most important thing - Not A & B

Both A & B should be ready to drop anything to help the child.

I pretty much agree with you. Just talk to each other! Using your child to do the asking seems a tad passive aggresive. I think option 1 is rude, and option 2 is slightly better, but asking the other adult straight seems the most respectful and obvious solution.

 

[Dave-W]

Is this at home or in a public restroom situation?

 

[The Living Stones]

Is this at home or in a public restroom situation?

At home typically. Usually Parent A has something else to do and perceives Parent B to be available.

 

[Paidiske]

At home typically. Usually Parent A has something else to do and perceives Parent B to be available.

Mmm. I'm guessing this isn't just about whose turn it is to help with toileting, but also about the distribution of parenting and domestic labour more broadly...?

 

[The Living Stones]

Mmm. I'm guessing this isn't just about whose turn it is to help with toileting, but also about the distribution of parenting and domestic labour more broadly...?

Yes, that's definitely a contributing factor.

 

[HannahT]

Option 3: Both are equivalent / fine.

If I was told that both were equivalent and fine? I would ask them to do it in the preferred manner then. If it were me? I was try to do it in the preferred manner.

I mean that is basically the same thing too, and if it will keep the peace? So much the better.

 

[Paidiske]

Yes, that's definitely a contributing factor.

In that case, both parents are going to need to work on the underlying issues. Because even when the kid is completely toilet trained and independent in that area, there will always be something else to argue about.

 

[Hank77]

Here’s the scenario. One of our kids (aged two, just out of nappies) says “I need to go to the toilet” with both parents present and in the conversation. Parent A says to the two-year old: “Parent B will take you to the toilet.”

Both parents are present and heard the request. The newly potty trained 2 yr. old should not have to ask the other parent, who is sitting right there, to take them. Parent A should simple ask Parent B to take the child.

 

[Dave-W]

I think Paidske is right. There will be more issues to argue about in the future.

You should work these issues out ASAP. Find a trained counselor.

 

[Deidre32]

Whatever is best for your child, that is what should happen. This sounds like a pride issue. ''I value this...I value that.'' Meanwhile, the child needs to go to the restroom and shouldn't feel badly watching mom/dad argue over who is going to take him/her.

 

[mina]

Go get counseling together. Your kid has to go to the bathroom; either parent should be fine with helping out if the other is occupied and no one's feelings should be hurt if they get asked to help with their own child. That's the reality and responsibility of being a parent. It's a sign of deeper problems if this is offending someone and it's not fair or healthy to the kid who needs to just go to the bathroom to be in the middle of this.