I posted my first message on these forums where I asked the question of this thread deep down in the comments, but it kinda got lost among all the other comments, so I thought I'd create a new thread. Apologies for the length of this message, but I think there's some context needed.
I was baptized as a infant and grew up in the Christian faith - going to Church & Sunday school and going to Christian schools. I also was confirmed. I believed in a creator God from a quite young age as I reasoned in my head about how everything came into being. Theories like the 'big bang' just didn't make sense (and still don't) to me. I had a genuine fear of going to Hell and would often think about 'what-if' scenarios in my head as a young boy while going to sleep. I believed in God and acknowledged Jesus, but I was never really connected or filled with the Spirit. I'd never read the Bible. I prayed to God for various things, but most of the time it was for worldly things.
Without a strong faith, I went off the tracks in my mid teens as the world opened up with all of these new opportunities and things to do e.g. partying with friends, drinking alcohol, occasional recreational drugs (although I was never an addict), driving a car (which gave me the freedom to do what I want), sport and the boorish culture that this often promotes, swearing, masturbating, occasionally breaking the law for minor things when I was out with the guys e.g. vandalism, indecency, theft, etc. Note: the breaking the law part was rare and for fairly minor things - I wouldn't say it would be a good representation of my life, but the other things mentioned definitely would be. During this time Christianity became less and less important - everything was about ME! I started to pray less and less, think about God less and less, I would still occasionally go to Church, but if anything that was to keep my mum happy (as I've always had a very strong family relationship).
Moving out of my teens and into my 20s, I went to university and started work, continued playing sport and drinking heavily, always trying to 'pick up' girls (unsuccessfully most of the time), renting houses with roommates - watching TV and throwing around all sorts of vulgarities. I was watching inappropriate content and masturbating multiple times per week. I started reading all sorts of rubbish on the Internet and became hateful, resentful and racist (although most of the time I kept these feelings to myself). During this time praying became less and less (e.g. perhaps once a month - if I was lucky), and Church and thinking about God became less and less also. This would be the pattern throughout my 20s and early 30s.
In my 30s I met my wife and we got married, but I don't think I married her for all the right reasons... She was smart, sensible, kind - I was thinking I could do a lot worse than her and besides; we both want to start a family and the clock is ticking, so why not... I was also part of her life during some difficult times and she loved me deeply. I loved that she loved me and I loved her back, but probably not the same way. We had 2 beautiful children and they became our number 1 focus. I stopped playing sport and drinking, but I was quite deceptive in my marriage and continued to watch inappropriate content and touch (keeping this secret from my wife). I also had a few other more minor secrets that I kept from her. With 2 young kids always demanding attention, our patience and love for each other became less and our frustrations became more and more.
At 38 I started reading about various conspiracies on the Internet. I was a skeptic, but found it interesting nonetheless, so kept reading. Among this rabbit hole (which included all sorts of things) I came across 'unforgivable sin'. And looked into this more as I was always under the assumption that everything was forgivable.
This was deeply concerning to me - I tried to think have I done anything that fits this description - there were a couple that made me worried, but most of them were the result of over-analyse, There is 1 that still has me concerned:
One time (late teens / early 20s) my friends and I were drinking and walking past/through a church in a very small country town and as we walked past I got down on one knee and joked to my friends and said mockingly something like 'baptize me father' and one of my friends tipped some beer on my head. I didn't ask him to tip the beer on my head, but I don't blame my friend - it was my fault for putting myself in such a stupid terrible situation. I ask because baptism (as far as I know) is in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and me disrespecting it like the way I did might somehow be a sin against the Holy Spirit. It was a spur of the moment, stupid, ignorant thing to do. There was alcohol involved (although can't remember how drunk I was) and I was also trying to get the attention of a girl that I liked (but who didn't have any feelings for me), but these aren't valid excuses IMO.
The worry has driven me to fear, anxiety and despair. Perhaps even the start of depression - I couldn't even eat for several days.
In a positive for my life (and I'm crying as I write this), the fear caused a huge change in my life - I felt like I had nowhere else to turn, so I turned back to God (I'd like to think God still loves me and has plans for me, and used this as way to get me back, but I don't know). My family and I started going to Church consistently. I did a short course on the Internet and started reading the Bible (new testament / Gospels). I prayed for God/Jesus to come into my life and forgive all my sins. I asked God to help me stop with the inappropriate content/masturbation, hate for others, lust, deception, selfishness, etc. Being genuine this time, I think my prayers were answered; I stopped inappropriate content/masturbation (and haven't done this again since), I stopped hating, etc. There's still some things that need work, but I've really turned things around. Previous attempts to cleanse myself of these things had failed dismally - perhaps I had some help this time.
I wanted to wait a while before opening up to my wife about all my deception and misdeeds as I felt this could result in the breakdown of our marriage. I think God had other ideas and wanted me to get this done a lot sooner (I say God because I felt there was something pushing me to do this, otherwise I would have been very happy to defer), so we had a few very difficult conversations. Our marriage was pushed to the absolute brink and we're now in a bit of a healing phase - I still can't say if it will all work out, but for now we're committed to saving our marriage and having a lot more love/patience/kindness/etc for each other, as well as our kids. We've even discussed and agreed to having a weekly Bible study.
I'm being reminded about a lot of sins from my past that I might have easily forgotten. Perhaps I'm being reminded about some of the things I've done as I read through the Bible, or perhaps it's the Holy Spirit is convicting me to repentance of ALL my sins. I don't know...
You might read through what I've written and think I've been a horrible/sinful/wretched person and you'd probably be correct, but I'm not evil - there's also a lot of good in me (which I haven't spoken about). I want to be a child of God and have a relationship with God. I want eternal salvation.
What I really need to know is; is the specific sin I listed unforgivable and would have me condemned as per the Bible. I was feeling good for a while, but it's really come back to bite me again - anxiety/despair/etc... although I haven't done anything like murder, rape, etc., or got involved in the occult or anything like that; I sometimes think I would rather those kinds of sin against my name (because at least they're forgivable)... For the sin I did - I don't know... I've prayed to God to let me know, but I don't know...
It's scary to me to even ask this question, but please let me know - am I being silly with my self-condemnation (if I think logically, I feel I probably am being silly, but just need reassurance). Please tell me if I am, as well as your reasoning! Otherwise tell me what I need to do...
Feeling scared
I was baptized as a infant and grew up in the Christian faith - going to Church & Sunday school and going to Christian schools. I also was confirmed. I believed in a creator God from a quite young age as I reasoned in my head about how everything came into being. Theories like the 'big bang' just didn't make sense (and still don't) to me. I had a genuine fear of going to Hell and would often think about 'what-if' scenarios in my head as a young boy while going to sleep. I believed in God and acknowledged Jesus, but I was never really connected or filled with the Spirit. I'd never read the Bible. I prayed to God for various things, but most of the time it was for worldly things.
Without a strong faith, I went off the tracks in my mid teens as the world opened up with all of these new opportunities and things to do e.g. partying with friends, drinking alcohol, occasional recreational drugs (although I was never an addict), driving a car (which gave me the freedom to do what I want), sport and the boorish culture that this often promotes, swearing, masturbating, occasionally breaking the law for minor things when I was out with the guys e.g. vandalism, indecency, theft, etc. Note: the breaking the law part was rare and for fairly minor things - I wouldn't say it would be a good representation of my life, but the other things mentioned definitely would be. During this time Christianity became less and less important - everything was about ME! I started to pray less and less, think about God less and less, I would still occasionally go to Church, but if anything that was to keep my mum happy (as I've always had a very strong family relationship).
Moving out of my teens and into my 20s, I went to university and started work, continued playing sport and drinking heavily, always trying to 'pick up' girls (unsuccessfully most of the time), renting houses with roommates - watching TV and throwing around all sorts of vulgarities. I was watching inappropriate content and masturbating multiple times per week. I started reading all sorts of rubbish on the Internet and became hateful, resentful and racist (although most of the time I kept these feelings to myself). During this time praying became less and less (e.g. perhaps once a month - if I was lucky), and Church and thinking about God became less and less also. This would be the pattern throughout my 20s and early 30s.
In my 30s I met my wife and we got married, but I don't think I married her for all the right reasons... She was smart, sensible, kind - I was thinking I could do a lot worse than her and besides; we both want to start a family and the clock is ticking, so why not... I was also part of her life during some difficult times and she loved me deeply. I loved that she loved me and I loved her back, but probably not the same way. We had 2 beautiful children and they became our number 1 focus. I stopped playing sport and drinking, but I was quite deceptive in my marriage and continued to watch inappropriate content and touch (keeping this secret from my wife). I also had a few other more minor secrets that I kept from her. With 2 young kids always demanding attention, our patience and love for each other became less and our frustrations became more and more.
At 38 I started reading about various conspiracies on the Internet. I was a skeptic, but found it interesting nonetheless, so kept reading. Among this rabbit hole (which included all sorts of things) I came across 'unforgivable sin'. And looked into this more as I was always under the assumption that everything was forgivable.
This was deeply concerning to me - I tried to think have I done anything that fits this description - there were a couple that made me worried, but most of them were the result of over-analyse, There is 1 that still has me concerned:
One time (late teens / early 20s) my friends and I were drinking and walking past/through a church in a very small country town and as we walked past I got down on one knee and joked to my friends and said mockingly something like 'baptize me father' and one of my friends tipped some beer on my head. I didn't ask him to tip the beer on my head, but I don't blame my friend - it was my fault for putting myself in such a stupid terrible situation. I ask because baptism (as far as I know) is in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and me disrespecting it like the way I did might somehow be a sin against the Holy Spirit. It was a spur of the moment, stupid, ignorant thing to do. There was alcohol involved (although can't remember how drunk I was) and I was also trying to get the attention of a girl that I liked (but who didn't have any feelings for me), but these aren't valid excuses IMO.
The worry has driven me to fear, anxiety and despair. Perhaps even the start of depression - I couldn't even eat for several days.
In a positive for my life (and I'm crying as I write this), the fear caused a huge change in my life - I felt like I had nowhere else to turn, so I turned back to God (I'd like to think God still loves me and has plans for me, and used this as way to get me back, but I don't know). My family and I started going to Church consistently. I did a short course on the Internet and started reading the Bible (new testament / Gospels). I prayed for God/Jesus to come into my life and forgive all my sins. I asked God to help me stop with the inappropriate content/masturbation, hate for others, lust, deception, selfishness, etc. Being genuine this time, I think my prayers were answered; I stopped inappropriate content/masturbation (and haven't done this again since), I stopped hating, etc. There's still some things that need work, but I've really turned things around. Previous attempts to cleanse myself of these things had failed dismally - perhaps I had some help this time.
I wanted to wait a while before opening up to my wife about all my deception and misdeeds as I felt this could result in the breakdown of our marriage. I think God had other ideas and wanted me to get this done a lot sooner (I say God because I felt there was something pushing me to do this, otherwise I would have been very happy to defer), so we had a few very difficult conversations. Our marriage was pushed to the absolute brink and we're now in a bit of a healing phase - I still can't say if it will all work out, but for now we're committed to saving our marriage and having a lot more love/patience/kindness/etc for each other, as well as our kids. We've even discussed and agreed to having a weekly Bible study.
I'm being reminded about a lot of sins from my past that I might have easily forgotten. Perhaps I'm being reminded about some of the things I've done as I read through the Bible, or perhaps it's the Holy Spirit is convicting me to repentance of ALL my sins. I don't know...
You might read through what I've written and think I've been a horrible/sinful/wretched person and you'd probably be correct, but I'm not evil - there's also a lot of good in me (which I haven't spoken about). I want to be a child of God and have a relationship with God. I want eternal salvation.
What I really need to know is; is the specific sin I listed unforgivable and would have me condemned as per the Bible. I was feeling good for a while, but it's really come back to bite me again - anxiety/despair/etc... although I haven't done anything like murder, rape, etc., or got involved in the occult or anything like that; I sometimes think I would rather those kinds of sin against my name (because at least they're forgivable)... For the sin I did - I don't know... I've prayed to God to let me know, but I don't know...
It's scary to me to even ask this question, but please let me know - am I being silly with my self-condemnation (if I think logically, I feel I probably am being silly, but just need reassurance). Please tell me if I am, as well as your reasoning! Otherwise tell me what I need to do...
Feeling scared
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