Father and daughter relationships

Christgirl67

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I am not a parent, but this is something I would like to have others perspective on.What is a healthy dad and daughter relationship supposed to look like? Within families, I usually see either the dad and daughter have a open relationship, and the daughter feels comfortable talking to her dad about almost anything, or the dad is stoic and the daughter does not feel comfortable talking to him about anything.
 

“Paisios”

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I am not a parent, but this is something I would like to have others perspective on.What is a healthy dad and daughter relationship supposed to look like? Within families, I usually see either the dad and daughter have a open relationship, and the daughter feels comfortable talking to her dad about almost anything, or the dad is stoic and the daughter does not feel comfortable talking to him about anything.
I have tried to let my daughter know by example how a man should treat a woman, so that she didn’t grow up thinking that abuse was acceptable. I tried to let her know that (as long as I live) there is someone (aside from God) who loves her unconditionally, will always welcome her, and will work hard to help her in times of trouble. I give her advice, I give her hugs nd kisses, I laugh with her, I cry with her, we go out for meals together (sometimes alone, sometimes with the rest of the family), we walk on the beach together and talk, I listen to her play the guitar, I pray for her and with her. I don’t always approve of all of her choices, sometimes we argue. She loves me back, sometimes she cooks for me. She’s not always comfortable talking to me about everything, but she knows she doesn’t have to and can still come to me for comfort.

I like to think I have a great relationship with my wife and my son as well, but my daughter and I have had a special bond since the moment she was born.
 
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John Bowen

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I guess it comes down to how the Father identifies with the daughter . The first father sees the daughter as their own person responsible for their actions with free will do what ever they want .The second father see the daughter as a reflection on them how they raised the daughter they think they were a bad parent if the daughter has problems in adulthood .So they don't want to hear about any issues or relationship problems etc ...Maybe be helpful to reassure the father they were a great parent and ask for " advice " to get him to open up.
 
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Dave-W

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My wife and I raised 3 daughters. She wanted to be their primary go-to person but did not do that good at it. BUt that meant I was to stay somewhat distant. That was not good either.

Good relationships take time - “a whole lot of precious time.” Both must come to the table wanting the relationship to be workable and honest.

I can tell you from experience the stoic distant dad is NOT a good or biblical thing. GOd is not distant or stoic with us and our family relationships are to be a picture (somewhat) of how we relate to God.
 
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Ada Lovelace

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I am not a parent, but this is something I would like to have others perspective on.What is a healthy dad and daughter relationship supposed to look like? Within families, I usually see either the dad and daughter have a open relationship, and the daughter feels comfortable talking to her dad about almost anything, or the dad is stoic and the daughter does not feel comfortable talking to him about anything.

I adore my dad and am grateful he built a solid foundation for my life, equipping me with a strong and comprehensive education, values and ethics; cultivating my talents and passions; and teaching by example about Christ's precepts and how to structure your life according to them. He believes in me, and has gotten me to believe in myself. I'm eternally grateful for the example he set with how he treats and values women in my family, how my mom is in every way an equal partner, not someone subservient. He consistently treats others generously, extending kindness, giving validation of worth, helping so many in a myriad of meaningful and even revolutionary ways (he works in biotech). He's funny and fun to be with in adventures big and small, and in everyday life. I admire his talent, intelligence, athleticism and gusto for adventure, and most importantly his character. I think a healthy relationship between a teen or young adult daughter and father is one where you mutually trust and respect one another while recognizing your inherent differences. I'm confident that I could talk to my dad about anything, and he would give me his attention, honestly listen, and offer advice that I'm genuinely at liberty to take; they're not edicts. Beyond our early childhood years, he's never prioritized obedience, instead teaching us how to make prudent choices and be wholesomely self-disciplined.

He's a physician, and I've had significant medical problems since I was an infant, so that has altered the dynamics of some conversations and daily interactions, and caused him to be far more overly protective towards me than with my brothers at the same ages (and our gender differences have never been the reason). I'm a college student but am living at home instead of on campus because I need multiple shots a day, and they're difficult to self-administer. Most frustrations and locking of horns between us are due to my health issues.

When I joined this forum in high school I was exposed to Christian beliefs and attitudes that astonished, dismayed and hurt me. I'd never before encountered fundamentalism from adults (just one girl who'd caused ruckus and tears with other kids), and it baffled and disheartened me, and was more corrosive to my faith than anything else in my life. I went to my dad seeking definitive answers on certain topics of controversy, but appreciate so much that instead of telling me what to believe, or how to believe, he encouraged me to pursue knowledge and grow in my own understandings of scripture, of the nature of God, and my relationship with Christ. He gave me much guidance along the way, but pushed me to retain my own curiosity and independence of mind. That helped nourish my faith.
 
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JAM2b

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Most aren't either one extreme or the other, but somewhere in the middle. Also, circumstances and development in individuals and in the family as a whole can make it vary throughout the years or different phases.

Theres been a trend in which fathers are sharing online about being involved in their daughters lives in various ways. It can range from doing their daughter's hair to teaching her how to maintenance a car.
 
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Ruien

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Honesty is key. That entails apologizing when you've been unfair, unkind, or simply mean. When I've gotten angry and yelled at one or both of my daughters when they didn't deserve it, I've apologized. Turning my life toward Christ (which happened after my girls were born) gave me the will and the strength to do this. The first time I apologized to my own children, it was hard. But when I did, they came up and hugged me. They smiled at me. They didn't even have to say anything; we just knew that it was okay because we were honest with each other.

One other thing that's very important and that I'm working on is listening. I'm one of those parents who wants to teach and remonstrate all the time. Things I'm learning to do: Ask questions. Ask engaging questions. Give time for replies. Offer possible explanations and ask if those apply. Wait. Ask follow up questions.

It's hard for me to do these things but I'm learning that if I don't, my daughters will grow up thinking that a conversation between us entails my talking and their listening. If I let that happen, I'll have only myself to blame if they just don't speak to me much at all.
 
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Dave-W

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My wife and I raised 3 daughters. She wanted to be their primary go-to person but did not do that good at it. But that meant I was to stay somewhat distant. That was not good either.

Good relationships take time - “a whole lot of precious time.” Both must come to the table wanting the relationship to be workable and honest.

I can tell you from experience the stoic distant dad is NOT a good or biblical thing. God is not distant or stoic with us and our family relationships are to be a picture (somewhat) of how we relate to God.
I want to make an addendum to this.

About 3 years ago my middle daughter and her younger (by 1 minute) twin sister asked (confronted?) me about my "aloof" and "distant" fathering during their pre-teen and teen years. I explained that their mom INSISTED on it, how I approached their younger brother during that time of his life, and what I wanted to say and how I would have related to them had their mom not objected. It opened their eyes a LOT.

The main difference between their mom and I was on sex education. She wanted to teach them how to shut down all their desires and feelings as she did as an early teen. I was opposed to that approach. But as it was, their mom said nothing about it at all, leaving a vacuum; which may have been worse.
 
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Dave-W

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I am not a parent, but this is something I would like to have others perspective on.What is a healthy dad and daughter relationship supposed to look like? Within families, I usually see either the dad and daughter have a open relationship, and the daughter feels comfortable talking to her dad about almost anything, or the dad is stoic and the daughter does not feel comfortable talking to him about anything.
A question to you:

How was your relationship with your own dad?

BTW, FYI: I added on to the previous post AFTER you liked it.
 
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Christgirl67

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A question to you:

How was your relationship with your own dad?

BTW, FYI: I added on to the previous post AFTER you liked it.
My relationship with my dad is ok.My father lives out of state, so I mainly talk to him over the phone, and I see him a few times a year.We talk, but we are not very close.He comes off closed off, so I don't feel comfortable talking to him about certain things.
 
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Dave-W

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We talk, but we are not very close.He comes off closed off, so I don't feel comfortable talking to him about certain things.
Yeah - I get that. It takes a lot of work to keep the communication lines open after age 10 or 12. Work must be done on both sides, but more so on the part of the parents; and perhaps even MORE on the opposite gender parent.

There will always be tension in talking about topics of a relational or sexual nature; especially between fathers and daughters. There seems to be a cultural assumption that any such conversation is leading to molestation and abuse.
 
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Christgirl67

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Yeah - I get that. It takes a lot of work to keep the communication lines open after age 10 or 12. Work must be done on both sides, but more so on the part of the parents; and perhaps even MORE on the opposite gender parent.

There will always be tension in talking about topics of a relational or sexual nature; especially between fathers and daughters. There seems to be a cultural assumption that any such conversation is leading to molestation and abuse.
That's true, its kind of always been like this though.I am the second girl within my siblings, so I kind of feel like I get less attention compared to my older sister.I am also pretty introverted, so it's difficult for me to talk at times.
 
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Dave-W

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I am the second girl within my siblings, so I kind of feel like I get less attention compared to my older sister.
Yeah - some parents are like that. Others put all their attention on the new child leaving the older sibling feeling neglected. From a parents' perspective it can be a difficult balancing act.
I am also pretty introverted, so it's difficult for me to talk at times.
I am sure that could be part of the issue as well. There is something we used to call the "squeaky wheel syndrome;" based on the old folk saying "The squeaky wheel gets the grease."

IOW, that which makes the most noise gets the most attention. So being introverted, you would NOT be the "squeaky wheel" and not get much attention. Being rather introverted myself, I understand that.
 
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Christgirl67

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Yeah - some parents are like that. Others put all their attention on the new child leaving the older sibling feeling neglected. From a parents' perspective it can be a difficult balancing act.

I am sure that could be part of the issue as well. There is something we used to call the "squeaky wheel syndrome;" based on the old folk saying "The squeaky wheel gets the grease."

IOW, that which makes the most noise gets the most attention. So being introverted, you would NOT be the "squeaky wheel" and not get much attention. Being rather introverted myself, I understand that.
I have been telling myself I have to start speaking out and stating my opinion.It's kind of a difficult situation because my dad also has a new family, so sometimes it seems like me and my siblings were pushed to the side, and it overall put a dent in our relationship.
 
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Dave-W

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I have been telling myself I have to start speaking out and stating my opinion.
Funny you should say that. I have been struggling with the same thing.
.It's kind of a difficult situation because my dad also has a new family, so sometimes it seems like me and my siblings were pushed to the side
Oh. I understand that too. My dad had 3 different families with 3 different wives. I am from marriage #2. I never met the kids from marriage #1 until after I was grown and had kids of my own. Never met my oldest sister but the 2nd sister and my brother from that marriage and I are on good friendly terms. The boys from dad's 3rd outing are about the same age as my own kids. They do not have much to do with the rest of us.
 
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My daughter and i have an awesome relationship. She can talk to me about ANYTHING. And she does. She is almost 13 and very mature for her age. Me and her mum split up over a year ago. My daughter has been through a lot because of it and because of me.

She is my right arm. My heart beat. The love of my life. She rings me for very long chats. I take her to school and pick her up every day. We go to the cinema, walks etc etc.

She is my EVERYTHING.

I try to instil in her love of God too. That is extremely important.
 
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Christgirl67

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Funny you should say that. I have been struggling with the same thing.

Oh. I understand that too. My dad had 3 different families with 3 different wives. I am from marriage #2. I never met the kids from marriage #1 until after I was grown and had kids of my own. Never met my oldest sister but the 2nd sister and my brother from that marriage and I are on good friendly terms. The boys from dad's 3rd outing are about the same age as my own kids. They do not have much to do with the rest of us.
I am in the same situation.Me and my sister were born in the same year,then my little brother came some years later.Then my dad had two other children by another woman and moved out of state soon after with her.I think that is why I feel awkward talking to him.I love my siblings, but the fact my dad kept going from woman to woman to woman kind of bothers me since he has never admitted he was wrong.After he left, it put a strain on me and my siblings relationship.
 
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Christgirl67

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My daughter and i have an awesome relationship. She can talk to me about ANYTHING. And she does. She is almost 13 and very mature for her age. Me and her mum split up over a year ago. My daughter has been through a lot because of it and because of me.

She is my right arm. My heart beat. The love of my life. She rings me for very long chats. I take her to school and pick her up every day. We go to the cinema, walks etc etc.

She is my EVERYTHING.

I try to instil in her love of God too. That is extremely important.
I am glad you have a great relationship with your daughter, especially since she is a teenager.
 
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Dave-W

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After he left, it put a strain on me and my siblings relationship.
I am sure it was like that for my older half siblings. I was the product of a date rape. Dad (a pastor) was still married to his first wife.

The only daughter I have a close relationship is my youngest. Even though she lives on the other side of the country, we still can talk about most anything.
 
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Within families, I usually see either the dad and daughter have a open relationship, and the daughter feels comfortable talking to her dad about almost anything, or the dad is stoic and the daughter does not feel comfortable talking to him about anything.

we've told our daughter that she can talk to us about anything
but in reality she talks to each of us about different things

we each have individual time with her and she asks/shares things with me that she wouldn't with husband
happy she's willing to open up with me re personal questions

on other hand, sometimes when I pick her up at school & can tell she's upset but she won't share
will ask husband to try to find out what's wrong
think she has to stew first before sharing and husband happens to be the one around often when she's ready to talk about something that happened at school

between the two of us, we have the pulse of what's happening

because she's adopted, adoption related things will come up at any time with either of us and husband will tell me if something came up and if she's feeling sad

we're a team for her; it takes both of us to know what's going on and happy she'll share with whoever of us she feels comfortable sharing
 
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