Howdy. I am looking for some advice about various situations, and figured I'd create a single thread to get some perspective.
A little background: I have been separated from my husband for a few months due to domestic violence and substance abuse. We are (now) still friendly and co-parent our 3 young kids. We spend small bits of time together. I hope that we will eventually reconcile, i.e. move back in together. For now, my health and safety and our children's wellbeing is contingent upon our living apart.
A. In-laws
1. My in-laws were visiting for the holiday and one of them gave my oldest some money. This was done in secret so that my middle child didn't find out. It wasn't a whole lot. But now it's a big secret. My husband and oldest were whispering about it so my middle child couldn't hear. Now we have to hide it. I don't understand why a split amount wasn't just given to each child. The favoritism and secrecy is bothering me. Knowing that my oldest was pulled aside privately and getting a secret special gift from a grandparent trying to be a favorite. Ick. Also, my middle child saw my oldest and me whispering about it the other night and got very upset at being excluded. Now I'm complicit in this ickiness
I truly don't know what to do.
2. My in-laws post pictures of my kids online. I asked my husband to address this, but he won't. The problem is that I don't consent to this. I am not on social media for this reason. I don't even post photos of my own kids. My father stalks me and the kids so it's a real safety concern. He is a violent, abusive, bipolar psychopath. I can't monitor the activity since I don't have accounts on these sites. My mom will sometimes let me know if she sees photos. I had asked my in-laws not to post, but my opinion and experience with my father means diddly squat to them. They whined that their friends get to post photos of their grandkids, so it wouldn't be fair. I recommended emailing photos to their close friends, but was ignored. My husband not standing up for the issue is a weak spot.
3. Every time there's a visit, I'm the butt end of snarky remarks. At this point, I just expect it, but it doesn't hurt less. E.g., "I am leaving Son some extra things because HIS are all missing." [Wife took them all is the not-so-subtle implication, which is downright false by the way, he just needs to do some laundry.] Interestingly enough my husband has money to spend on other things but not household essentials. Again, it's one of those situations I don't know how to handle.
Historically, I have been quiet and observing of these dynamics, and haven't been very vocal about asserting myself. This is because I don't want to commit the error of expressing unjust hatred toward my in-laws (and/or husband). But I am getting worn out from this treatment and the unhealthy dynamic, and I have prayed about it and feel that I should be armed with an assertive and loving response. After all, God is a God of boundaries as much as He's a God of love.
B. School / Small town
1. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and you try not to make a fuss or you'll upset the status quo. My youngest child is significantly disabled. We have a special accommodation for picking my older kids up from school. It's because we have a handicap parking tag so we can maneuver more easily. This accommodation creates more work for a significant school staff member. She used to be friendly and jovial to me, but now is cold and accusingly negative. I am concerned about this treatment towards me, and about how my older kids may be treated. Also, my youngest could go to school here eventually, and I am not feeling comfortable with this institutional negativity toward accommodating our special needs. No idea how to handle this one.
2. Small town living is burning me out. I'm from a big city. I like the obvious benefits like lack of traffic and small lines in the store, but being constantly monitored, judged, and pressured to conform to the local social standard is taxing. Any advice here is much appreciated.
C. Neighbors
1. One of our neighbors is a married couple with a child. My oldest loves playing with the kid at their house. They have video games etc. and things I don't have. I want to invite them over for dinner or something to express my appreciation. However, since I'm living as a single (separated) mom, I feel awkward about approaching a married couple. I've wondered about inviting the mom and kid over, but then that would exclude the dad and that seems rude. I want to try to create friendship in a mindful way.
2. We have a neighbor who is a friendly older woman, but she is pretty reclusive. One of the first things she told me was that she likes to be alone. She is a widow and has no children. She is wise and pleasant. I would like to invite her over, but don't want to make her feel pressured in any way.
Thanks for weighing in on my various concerns. Please feel free to pray for my family and me too
A little background: I have been separated from my husband for a few months due to domestic violence and substance abuse. We are (now) still friendly and co-parent our 3 young kids. We spend small bits of time together. I hope that we will eventually reconcile, i.e. move back in together. For now, my health and safety and our children's wellbeing is contingent upon our living apart.
A. In-laws
1. My in-laws were visiting for the holiday and one of them gave my oldest some money. This was done in secret so that my middle child didn't find out. It wasn't a whole lot. But now it's a big secret. My husband and oldest were whispering about it so my middle child couldn't hear. Now we have to hide it. I don't understand why a split amount wasn't just given to each child. The favoritism and secrecy is bothering me. Knowing that my oldest was pulled aside privately and getting a secret special gift from a grandparent trying to be a favorite. Ick. Also, my middle child saw my oldest and me whispering about it the other night and got very upset at being excluded. Now I'm complicit in this ickiness
I truly don't know what to do. 2. My in-laws post pictures of my kids online. I asked my husband to address this, but he won't. The problem is that I don't consent to this. I am not on social media for this reason. I don't even post photos of my own kids. My father stalks me and the kids so it's a real safety concern. He is a violent, abusive, bipolar psychopath. I can't monitor the activity since I don't have accounts on these sites. My mom will sometimes let me know if she sees photos. I had asked my in-laws not to post, but my opinion and experience with my father means diddly squat to them. They whined that their friends get to post photos of their grandkids, so it wouldn't be fair. I recommended emailing photos to their close friends, but was ignored. My husband not standing up for the issue is a weak spot.
3. Every time there's a visit, I'm the butt end of snarky remarks. At this point, I just expect it, but it doesn't hurt less. E.g., "I am leaving Son some extra things because HIS are all missing." [Wife took them all is the not-so-subtle implication, which is downright false by the way, he just needs to do some laundry.] Interestingly enough my husband has money to spend on other things but not household essentials. Again, it's one of those situations I don't know how to handle.
Historically, I have been quiet and observing of these dynamics, and haven't been very vocal about asserting myself. This is because I don't want to commit the error of expressing unjust hatred toward my in-laws (and/or husband). But I am getting worn out from this treatment and the unhealthy dynamic, and I have prayed about it and feel that I should be armed with an assertive and loving response. After all, God is a God of boundaries as much as He's a God of love.
B. School / Small town
1. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and you try not to make a fuss or you'll upset the status quo. My youngest child is significantly disabled. We have a special accommodation for picking my older kids up from school. It's because we have a handicap parking tag so we can maneuver more easily. This accommodation creates more work for a significant school staff member. She used to be friendly and jovial to me, but now is cold and accusingly negative. I am concerned about this treatment towards me, and about how my older kids may be treated. Also, my youngest could go to school here eventually, and I am not feeling comfortable with this institutional negativity toward accommodating our special needs. No idea how to handle this one.
2. Small town living is burning me out. I'm from a big city. I like the obvious benefits like lack of traffic and small lines in the store, but being constantly monitored, judged, and pressured to conform to the local social standard is taxing. Any advice here is much appreciated.
C. Neighbors
1. One of our neighbors is a married couple with a child. My oldest loves playing with the kid at their house. They have video games etc. and things I don't have. I want to invite them over for dinner or something to express my appreciation. However, since I'm living as a single (separated) mom, I feel awkward about approaching a married couple. I've wondered about inviting the mom and kid over, but then that would exclude the dad and that seems rude. I want to try to create friendship in a mindful way.
2. We have a neighbor who is a friendly older woman, but she is pretty reclusive. One of the first things she told me was that she likes to be alone. She is a widow and has no children. She is wise and pleasant. I would like to invite her over, but don't want to make her feel pressured in any way.
Thanks for weighing in on my various concerns. Please feel free to pray for my family and me too
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