Falling into depression

Bell122855

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Hi Everyone,

I will spare you all the back details but I have been married for almost two years, not our first marriage for either of us. About 6 months after getting married I realized how much he lies. He's generally a good guy morally but he hid the fact that he has and still is seriously financially irresponsible. We got to know each other for almost a year and talked about these things prior to marrying. In less than a year I have pretty much used up my entire savings to help him buy a car (because he didn't take care of his and the engine blew) and pay off debts to his family members (He borrowed money over 7 years ago from an aunt and uncle and never even paid them a dime back, they are elderly and I felt bad for them). Anyway, it is not just finances but he is not the person he made himself out to be. He is extremely passive aggressive but his aggression doesn't come out in anger, just subtle ways. I have had many, many conversations with him about all of this and all I get is lies and excuses and promises that he will change yet nothing changes. I am so annoyed and frustrated with him at this point. Plus I am so hurt because all of this has affected my life and my future, the future we planned before marrying. I have been in a women's prison ministry for almost 20 years and he had me believing that God called him to be part of this ministry to start up transitional houses in the area. We actually became a non-profit when we married, had property we were working on buying only for me to find out the reason he was dragging his feet (making tons of excuses about conversations with the property owner over P&S) was because his credit is so bad he cant get a loan. Anyway, I stepped away from ministry because my attitude is so bad, I am hurt, disappointed and I am struggling with falling into depression. We did try marriage counseling but that failed because he wasn't honest in the sessions and made it sound like it was all me not him. We met with our pastor and his wife but basically the same thing happened. Plus, he was meeting one on one with our pastor for almost 6 months prior and presented a very different "self". He is very good at making himself out to be what he is not. The progress we have made is through books I gave him to read, he has realized how fake he has been and how he lies but nothing changes. I lost myself already. I don't leave the house unless I have to. I avoid any social interaction with anyone. I just don't care anymore to have a life, I feel my life has been ruined. I don't know if these things about his character are able to change. I am losing hope and honestly, we haven't had intimacy in almost a year. I just cant with someone who has deceived me to get me to marry him. I am so deeply, deeply hurt and disgusted.
 

BeStill&Know

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As you are falling into depression, with your loving Father's Help you can fall out of depression as well. Your pain in all its facets are shared with many of us here. A famous preacher after many years of ministry confess he has struggled with severe depression, all his life.
After he rebuked the evil spirits, taking advantage of his weakness he had to "re-trained his mind" with the "promises of God".
It took 4 years before his thoughts were renewed to God thoughts.
 
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Paul of Eugene OR

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Hi Everyone,

I will spare you all the back details but I have been married for almost two years, not our first marriage for either of us. About 6 months after getting married I realized how much he lies. He's generally a good guy morally but he hid the fact that he has and still is seriously financially irresponsible. We got to know each other for almost a year and talked about these things prior to marrying. In less than a year I have pretty much used up my entire savings to help him buy a car (because he didn't take care of his and the engine blew) and pay off debts to his family members (He borrowed money over 7 years ago from an aunt and uncle and never even paid them a dime back, they are elderly and I felt bad for them). Anyway, it is not just finances but he is not the person he made himself out to be. He is extremely passive aggressive but his aggression doesn't come out in anger, just subtle ways. I have had many, many conversations with him about all of this and all I get is lies and excuses and promises that he will change yet nothing changes. I am so annoyed and frustrated with him at this point. Plus I am so hurt because all of this has affected my life and my future, the future we planned before marrying. I have been in a women's prison ministry for almost 20 years and he had me believing that God called him to be part of this ministry to start up transitional houses in the area. We actually became a non-profit when we married, had property we were working on buying only for me to find out the reason he was dragging his feet (making tons of excuses about conversations with the property owner over P&S) was because his credit is so bad he cant get a loan. Anyway, I stepped away from ministry because my attitude is so bad, I am hurt, disappointed and I am struggling with falling into depression. We did try marriage counseling but that failed because he wasn't honest in the sessions and made it sound like it was all me not him. We met with our pastor and his wife but basically the same thing happened. Plus, he was meeting one on one with our pastor for almost 6 months prior and presented a very different "self". He is very good at making himself out to be what he is not. The progress we have made is through books I gave him to read, he has realized how fake he has been and how he lies but nothing changes. I lost myself already. I don't leave the house unless I have to. I avoid any social interaction with anyone. I just don't care anymore to have a life, I feel my life has been ruined. I don't know if these things about his character are able to change. I am losing hope and honestly, we haven't had intimacy in almost a year. I just cant with someone who has deceived me to get me to marry him. I am so deeply, deeply hurt and disgusted.

Sounds like separation time has arrived. Your depression is quite normal in such circumstances. If he makes it out to be all your fault, he should also logically consider himself to be blessed at being rid of you. But you need to stop allowing your life to be ruined.
 
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Bell122855

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Sounds like separation time has arrived. Your depression is quite normal in such circumstances. If he makes it out to be all your fault, he should also logically consider himself to be blessed at being rid of you. But you need to stop allowing your life to be ruined.
Thank you for your reply. I do agree with you but I am not ready to give up just yet. Something inside me still wants to fight for this marriage and I don't know why, I just don't know how at this point. My first marriage, I was really young, only 18 and almost 10 years later I found out he was a pedifile. I was horrified but he ended up in prison for almost 20 years. My second marriage (10 years later) I had just recently received Christ and honestly, I was pushed toward marriage because we were living together and started attending church, it was was first awareness of "sin" and I was extremely convicted from it. I should have moved out and not married but at the time I felt it was what I should do. He ended up severely controlling and abusive (financially, emotionally and eventually physically). So, John came around (5 years later) and if he was truly the person her made himself out to be this would be an AMAZING marriage. I guess I am praying he will change and we can have that.
 
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Paul of Eugene OR

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Thank you for your reply. I do agree with you but I am not ready to give up just yet. Something inside me still wants to fight for this marriage and I don't know why, I just don't know how at this point. My first marriage, I was really young, only 18 and almost 10 years later I found out he was a pedifile. I was horrified but he ended up in prison for almost 20 years. My second marriage (10 years later) I had just recently received Christ and honestly, I was pushed toward marriage because we were living together and started attending church, it was was first awareness of "sin" and I was extremely convicted from it. I should have moved out and not married but at the time I felt it was what I should do. He ended up severely controlling and abusive (financially, emotionally and eventually physically). So, John came around (5 years later) and if he was truly the person her made himself out to be this would be an AMAZING marriage. I guess I am praying he will change and we can have that.

Don't couple with someone who you pray will change. Couple with someone that doesn't need to change.
 
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