I am currently experiencing profoundly low self esteem that manifests as deep and unrelenting self hated.
Every time I go out into public I look around at people and feel like a complete freak and an outcast. I see happy families and beautiful couples who are worth far more than me. I go to work to serve people who are worth far more than. There is no amount of charity that could erase my hideous presence. My very presence seems to contaminate everything. What is going on in my head is so very different from theirs so I cannot possibly fit into the world in any way. Total strangers will sometimes stop to make comments about me right there and often to my face as if I have done some horrific deed....though to my knowledge I am just going about my business trying to be as ordinary as possible. The harder I try to be "normal" the weirder I seem to appear to people. It seems to be a permanent losing battle.
I am NOT depressed. I have a high level of energy, focus, outwardly positive attitude, hardworking, and high general intelligence when it comes to most methods of scoring it. Yet there must be something deeply repulsive about me that I cannot seem to identify let alone fix. I try very hard to be "normal" every day and yet I cannot spend more than a few hours and sometimes minutes in the world at large without being harshly criticized for the small mannerisms or unusual decisions that annoy somebody.
At work I treat myself as an automaton. I must go through every motion and perform every task flawlessly. The customer (patient) is worth infinitely more than me, especially the very young who are probably innocent...something I can never be. Even one of their toenails is worth more than my entire body multiplied by a thousand. If I make even the slightest error, I will secretly dwell on it for months and try to grind the error out of my every routine to prevent it or any manifestation of it from ever happening again for the rest of infinity.
I cannot hold a relationship with women for more then a few months. I have never been in love or ever been intimate with anyone. Sure my insecurity is nearly impossible to hide....but I tend to date very insecure women. Why do they suddenly cut off all contact from me? Am I so worthless that even the desperate run away from me in horror?! Perhaps my anxiety is obvious and I am not funny enough. Well there is very little point in being humorous when there is nothing funny about what is wrong with me. If I offer to help, encouraging, or try to be generous I end up being despised like never before.
Most of my time consists of me trying to purge just about everything I hate about myself, namely every human weakness imaginable. I work out hours every day and force myself to study a subject intensely for hours if any form of ignorance causes any problems whatsoever during the day. If I make even the slightest error in anything, I will grind perfection into myself like jackhammer. My self-criticisms are harsh beyond measure and forever unforgiving. I will forgive other people at the drop of a hat (because they must have their reasons?) but I will never ever forgive myself. I also look in the mirror and hate my appearance with a passion. I am not tall enough, not well built enough, still too much flab, head is to big, hairline too thin, jawline too round....I am hideous.
At a spiritual level this gets much much worse....
I completely and utterly reject Christ's forgiveness. I do not want him to accept me as I am for I do not have even the slightest desire to be as I am! My prayers are immensely harsh and tend to start with "God please make me something other than disgusting...someday...!" Though today and tomorrow I will almost certainly remain disgusting. I reject heaven. My very presence will stink up the place for an eternity. How can god ever clean my soul when I don't have any soul left? It would be like sanding a piece of sandpaper!
The only way I could ever make it to heaven is if god erases my very identity. He would have to abolish my name, my imagine, and even the slightest trace of my existence leaving only a formless mold that can be transformed into a different being or outright merged with Christ entirely.
On my death bed I may write a will that requires that there be no funeral, no mention of my name, or any recognition of my existence unless somehow every last detail of who I am is completely changed....
Every time I go out into public I look around at people and feel like a complete freak and an outcast. I see happy families and beautiful couples who are worth far more than me. I go to work to serve people who are worth far more than. There is no amount of charity that could erase my hideous presence. My very presence seems to contaminate everything. What is going on in my head is so very different from theirs so I cannot possibly fit into the world in any way. Total strangers will sometimes stop to make comments about me right there and often to my face as if I have done some horrific deed....though to my knowledge I am just going about my business trying to be as ordinary as possible. The harder I try to be "normal" the weirder I seem to appear to people. It seems to be a permanent losing battle.
I am NOT depressed. I have a high level of energy, focus, outwardly positive attitude, hardworking, and high general intelligence when it comes to most methods of scoring it. Yet there must be something deeply repulsive about me that I cannot seem to identify let alone fix. I try very hard to be "normal" every day and yet I cannot spend more than a few hours and sometimes minutes in the world at large without being harshly criticized for the small mannerisms or unusual decisions that annoy somebody.
At work I treat myself as an automaton. I must go through every motion and perform every task flawlessly. The customer (patient) is worth infinitely more than me, especially the very young who are probably innocent...something I can never be. Even one of their toenails is worth more than my entire body multiplied by a thousand. If I make even the slightest error, I will secretly dwell on it for months and try to grind the error out of my every routine to prevent it or any manifestation of it from ever happening again for the rest of infinity.
I cannot hold a relationship with women for more then a few months. I have never been in love or ever been intimate with anyone. Sure my insecurity is nearly impossible to hide....but I tend to date very insecure women. Why do they suddenly cut off all contact from me? Am I so worthless that even the desperate run away from me in horror?! Perhaps my anxiety is obvious and I am not funny enough. Well there is very little point in being humorous when there is nothing funny about what is wrong with me. If I offer to help, encouraging, or try to be generous I end up being despised like never before.
Most of my time consists of me trying to purge just about everything I hate about myself, namely every human weakness imaginable. I work out hours every day and force myself to study a subject intensely for hours if any form of ignorance causes any problems whatsoever during the day. If I make even the slightest error in anything, I will grind perfection into myself like jackhammer. My self-criticisms are harsh beyond measure and forever unforgiving. I will forgive other people at the drop of a hat (because they must have their reasons?) but I will never ever forgive myself. I also look in the mirror and hate my appearance with a passion. I am not tall enough, not well built enough, still too much flab, head is to big, hairline too thin, jawline too round....I am hideous.
At a spiritual level this gets much much worse....
I completely and utterly reject Christ's forgiveness. I do not want him to accept me as I am for I do not have even the slightest desire to be as I am! My prayers are immensely harsh and tend to start with "God please make me something other than disgusting...someday...!" Though today and tomorrow I will almost certainly remain disgusting. I reject heaven. My very presence will stink up the place for an eternity. How can god ever clean my soul when I don't have any soul left? It would be like sanding a piece of sandpaper!
The only way I could ever make it to heaven is if god erases my very identity. He would have to abolish my name, my imagine, and even the slightest trace of my existence leaving only a formless mold that can be transformed into a different being or outright merged with Christ entirely.
On my death bed I may write a will that requires that there be no funeral, no mention of my name, or any recognition of my existence unless somehow every last detail of who I am is completely changed....
