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Evil is so present within me

Discussion in 'Struggles by Non-Christians' started by humansmeagol, Feb 4, 2022.

  1. humansmeagol

    humansmeagol New Member

    United States
    Other Religion
    In Relationship
    Hello. I am feeling desperate, I don't know what to do. I don't want to sound crazy. I came here with the hopes that those with open minds will see my case. Nobody I know has faith/belief in much of anything so I don't have many places I can talk about this. My best friend who is a Christian is just so nice and will not understand what I'm trying to say and I would feel foolish to tell her, because I know what she would say, "Everyone has darkness in them sometimes, it doesn't mean you're evil!" which is so kind but I know that if I really expressed to her the entirety of my feelings and experience it would just be upsetting, and I also don't want to bring attention to myself like that, so I'm trying out this anonymous forum to see what others that don't otherwise know me think.

    Anyways, I at times am overcome with such extreme hatred and passion for destruction and causing suffering for others and pure selfishness that I lash out, and even if I don't lash out, my thoughts are so awful, so evil and my whole body is burning like it's on fire with hatred, and I can so succinctly feel the presence of evil engorging me, really like a demon is controlling me. And not only that, but all of the time I can feel this inner evil that feels like dark throbbing pain in my chest and it makes me fantasize about exploding and sometimes the utter desperation of feeling like I am inherently evil really makes me want to end it, I feel like I aught to end it because I'm a force of suffering on the world, a force of evil that needs to be eradicated! But it is my selfishness and desire that keeps me from actually doing it, along with an understanding that I could never do that to my parents, who are so holy for loving me, even when throughout childhood and my whole life I've been an utterly selfish, manipulative, and borderline sociopathic person. Before you say, "You are so guilty and harsh on yourself because there is goodness in you", well sure in this moment there may be realization of the evil inside me and guilt about it, but in the moment of action when this dark energy is coursing through me, I find it almost impossible to deny what it wants me to do, I know I have followed its orders more often than I have been able to overcome it.

    The only relief I have sometimes is when I pray to Jesus. I've literally never been a Christian in my life, but I had a dream some months back of being trapped in a haunted house and possessed by a demon and all I could do was sit there and wallow in misery, which is like a metaphor for my life a little. Jesus came to me and told me the only way out of the haunted house was through him, which was crazy because I'm serious, I've read the bible and everything because I am deeply spiritual but I've never felt especially called to the Christian religion or to Jesus. So I think that was pretty convincing, especially since the times where I do feel that Jesus is helping me, I actually do feel relief and it even helps me overcome the urge to be selfish. Alas, the feeling of darkness is so strong in me, that I feel as if I can't escape it, I feel like it's becoming so bad that my spirit itself will become corrupted and I'll no longer be "human" in that sense and thus Jesus could no longer help me, because I would be purely a demonic sprit inside. I feel like that is already the case, a little bit.

    Well, I would really appreciate any advice. Please don't just say I'm "deluded" or something. All reality is subjective to perception and when things happen to people that they feel they can't deny, it must be taken at face value lest there be an ocean of distance between yours and their experience. The first step to addressing another's problems is meeting them on the island of reality that they're on. That's what I think, at least.
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  2. Vesper_Jaye✝️

    Vesper_Jaye✝️ Truth-Seeker

    United States
    Try to turn completely to God. It is hard, and I bet it’s a lot harder with problems like those. But even if you were possessed by Satan himself, God can help you. There is nothing that God’s love and power can’t overcome. He can overpower the strongest evil. Pray, and ask others to pray for you. They don’t have to know your specific problems. Surround yourself with good - Christian music, the Bible, devotionals, church - to fight off the evil.
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  3. Maria Billingsley

    Maria Billingsley Well-Known Member Supporter

    United States
    In Relationship
    Welcome to CF. Maybe I can help a bit. When you say you are " deeply spiritual", before you knew Jesus Christ of Nazareth what spirits were you entertaining?
  4. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

    United States
    It sounds to me that the feelings you described, both physical and mental/spiritual, are a symptom of something else, a more basic problem that's playing upon you.

    Finding the answer to that would, I assume, require the services of a trained professional.
  5. GirdYourLoins

    GirdYourLoins Well-Known Member

    United Kingdom
    I would suggest that you keep praying and tell Jesus that you want to know Him and accept Him as your saviour but you need his help if you are going to. I would also suggest maybe learning a few simple scriptures that you can recite to yourself when feeling these thoughts as it can really help. Also try to find a church you can attend, maybe ask your friend if you can go with her. Im sure she would be thrilled if you become a Christian and is likely already praying for you. She may well be more spiritually aware of what is happening than you realise.
  6. Petros2015

    Petros2015 Well-Known Member

    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
  7. humansmeagol

    humansmeagol New Member

    United States
    Other Religion
    In Relationship
    You think so? I'm ashamed that I'm unable to overcome my darkness. I feel like one of the people living in Sodom, like God would only wish for my demise. It's hard for me sometimes to see that God and Jesus are one in the same; Jesus's acceptance of sinners really calls out to me, whereas I tend to think more about punishment of sinners when I think of God. But, you think that positive influences could have a real impact? I certainly find that the Bible helps.
  8. humansmeagol

    humansmeagol New Member

    United States
    Other Religion
    In Relationship
    Wow, that was so important for me to read, I feel as if I'm floating, it was so inspiring and resonated with me so much. Thank you so much for that. I want to read this story every day.
  9. humansmeagol

    humansmeagol New Member

    United States
    Other Religion
    In Relationship
    I love the idea of learning scriptures to recite. I have tried repeating mantras in the past during meditation but didn't get much from them. I actually have a rosary somewhere, maybe I should get back into using that as well... and I've certainly been thinking about attending church, though I don't really know how to pick one! Unfortunately my friend doesn't attend church, but I think she would come with me if I found one that I liked a lot. Thank you!
  10. Vesper_Jaye✝️

    Vesper_Jaye✝️ Truth-Seeker

    United States
    I do think positive influences can really help. You said you were unable to overcome your own darkness, but God is able to, and he can help you if you ask. I think the fact that you REALIZE you are evil makes you different from the people in Sodom. It wouldn’t be helpful at all to say that you can’t be saved or that God wants you destroyed, but I think you’ll feel differently if you surround yourself with positive influences and go to church. And memorize Bible verses - quoting Bible verses is a great way to fight against evil.
  11. Pioneer3mm

    Pioneer3mm Well-Known Member Supporter

    United States
    To: OP
    Can you find some Christians (with spiritual maturity/discernment).. where you live/are?
    - They might be able to help you..
    It seems that you have some info. about Christian faith.
    - You need go beyond that level..
  12. 1watchman

    1watchman Overseer Supporter

    This all speaks to me of one who has a 'religion', but without the Savior our Creator-God has provided in His "..beloved Son": the Lord Jesus. Reasoning about spiritual things and worshipping some kind of a god, will never bring salvation of one's eternal soul for Heaven.
    I urgently recommend you read the four Gospels in the New Testament and especially note: John 3; John 14; Romans 8; etc to hear God speaking to you. God says: "He that has the Son has life eternal, and he that has not the Son of God, has not that life". Write me anytime in person if you wish to chat about this, friend. -1watchman
  13. TedT

    TedT Member since Job 38:7

    Bin there, done that.

    YES you are essentially a demon in this state but if you are elect you can be cured of this, GOD has promised!!!

    IF you want to be saved then you must throw yourself on Christ's mercy and accept however He responds. Every day for maybe a year or more, "I'm guilty, do as you will with me!" until such an attitude is your natural state... Every time you sin and wake up to yourself and what you've done, repeat this commitment.
  14. CuriousPagan

    CuriousPagan Member

    United States
    You may want to seek mental health counseling.
  15. aiki

    aiki Regular Member

    Well, your friend would be wrong if she told you your evil thoughts are not indicative of your evil heart. God says in His word, the Bible, that the human heart is "deceitful above all things and desperately wicked." (Jeremiah 17:9) Jesus said that out of the human heart all manner of evil flows:

    Matthew 15:18-19
    18 But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.
    19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.

    Part of how our heart-level wickedness manifests is in the evil character of our thinking, giving rise, eventually, to evil behavior, as Jesus indicates here.

    Well, this sounds pretty demonic. Have you opened your life to the occult, to the demonic in some way? Have you fooled around with pagan rituals, seances, horror movies, porn, drugs, tarot card readings, ouija boards, Satan worship, etc? These all (and other things besides) open one's life to the demonic. The sort of thoughts and impulses you describe above are pretty common to demonic oppression.

    I'd urge you to check out: Freedom In Christ Ministries (www.ficm.org)

    This is what the Bible says will always be the case for those not under the control of the Holy Spirit, who are not born-again by the Spirit, cleansed of sin and spiritually-renewed by him. Apart from God, there is only the darkness of the World, the Flesh and the devil. You are exactly as the Bible describes those separate from God will be:

    Ephesians 2:1-3
    1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins
    2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—
    3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

    Titus 3:3
    3 For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another.

    Galatians 5:19-21
    19 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality,
    20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions,
    21 envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

    There is no being "deeply spiritual" apart from a relationship with God through Jesus. All who are apart from God have no spiritual life, only false, worldly counterfeits of true spiritual life that is found only in the Person of the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Christ.

    It is no surprise you have felt no strong calling to Christ since you are deep in sin and darkness, largely blind and deaf to the things of God. But it seems perhaps God has touched you, in a dream has tapped you on the shoulder and invited you to leave the power of darkness and be delivered into the kingdom of His dear Son. Will you take Him up on His offer?

    You were corrupted long ago - from the first moment you violated the "law of God written on your heart," your conscience, and disobeyed God's commands given to you in His word, the Bible. The longer you live in this way, the more settled in it you will become, at some point becoming so cemented in such living that you are unable even to recognize you need God. There are many who follow this "Broad Way" to destruction. Don't be one of them.

    God, through Jesus Christ, is able to save all who call upon Him in repentance of their rebellious, self-centered, godless life, confessing their sin, and trusting in Jesus as their Savior and submitting themselves to him as their Lord.

    Romans 10:9-13
    9 that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved;
    10 for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.
    12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call on Him;

    Revelation 3:20
    20 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

    John 3:16-17
    16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
    17 "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.

    1 John 1:9
    9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

    Will you trust in Jesus as your Savior? Will you yield yourself to him as your Lord? Will you forsake your selfish, godless life for one centered upon God? Will you acknowledge your sin for what it is and confess it to God? I hope and pray so. This is the way to freedom from darkness and entrance into the kingdom of Light.

    John 10:9
    9 "I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.

    John 14:6
    6 Jesus *said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.

    Acts 4:12
    12 "And there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved."

    1 Timothy 2:5-6
    5 For there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus,
    6 who gave Himself as a ransom for all...

    John 8:36
    36 So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.
    Last edited: May 3, 2022
  16. Waymarker

    Waymarker Newbie

    If you don't like Jesus no wonder you're unhappy..:)
  17. Servant78

    Servant78 Well-Known Member

    i had the same issue in the past.

    Its not easy to overcome anger thats why Jesus told us to carry our cross and Deny ourselves by praying to people who do not like us, its the only way to reach Godhead step by step. Just pray for others and Deny yourself.

    Another way to learn Godhead is to have vegetarian fasting like prophet Daniel. You can start fasting for one day by eating vegetarian food only. And repeat it Twice a week or more.

    We cannot reach a high mountain in one day. The same thing with learning Godhead.
  18. James_Lai

    James_Lai Well-Known Member

    Wow. I’m glad you visited this website and shared your story.

    Could I ask you what you mean by “I’m spiritual”?
  19. FutureAndAHope

    FutureAndAHope Just me Supporter

    Hi, I am pleased to meet you. I believe that Jesus is showing you the way to overcome the darkness that is trying to control you. The bible says the fruit, or what is produced by God is:

    Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

    God is essentially good and puts good emotions in us. What is happening to you is essentially demons are trying to control your emotions. God/Jesus wants you free from that. The demons only want to harm you and others. When a person turns to God, to Jesus, He comes and lives on the inside of the believer, giving them strength to do good. The devil will still try to control a believer, but God has given us authority over the devil, and we can force the negative emotions away from us. To be filled with God, instead of evil, we need to ask Jesus into our lives. He has provided all that we need to enable that, he died on the cross to pay for our sin and weakness, so we could freely enter His presence. All we need to do is ask Him into our lives, and He will guide us.
  20. Victor E.

    Victor E. Disciple of Christ Supporter

    United States
    I remember when I was baptized in the Holy Spirit.. I was all alone in my room, fasting, and reading the book of Job in the Bible.

    During this time in my life I was delivered from demonic oppression and God broke many things off of me (spiritual things).

    I also felt a big claw come out of my back (in the spiritual realm).. perhaps a generational curse.

    Then the love of the Lord Jesus Christ filled me up from head to toe and He spoke to me.. it was such a warm and gentle sensation that coursed throughout my whole body.

    I had been 'saved' since I was 5 years old (I was brought up in a Christian family) but I didn't really feel saved and close to God until I was baptized in Fire and in the Holy Spirit.. at the time I was delivered from demons.

    It was a powerful experience (one of many) and I was only ~22 years old going through a very hard time..

    I want to share this personal testimony with you because I felt led to by the Lord (I don't share much).

    I promise you.. continue to seek the Lord while He may be found and He will deliver you from everything that causes chaos within.

    My entire life has been very hard but the love of God has truly saved me.. I started reading my Bible like crazy (and evangelizing) shortly after I had all these spiritual experiences.

    The Lord Jesus had a purpose for my life all along.. and it sounds like He has a purpose for you.

    It may be hard without good company/fellowship but don't give up!

    Praying for you my friend. :)
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2022