Ever feel like a church widow?

[ufonium2]

I know doctor's wives sometimes refer to being a "doctor's widow," because they don't see their husbands much. Lately I feel like a church widow, but I'm not sure what (if anything) to do about it. My husband works Monday-Saturday 7:30-4:30, and I teach Monday-Thursday 6-9pm, so one of us is home with the baby all the time, but we don't see a lot of eachother. It has been pretty stressful, but he keeps volunteering for stuff at church (chaperoning stuff, reading for extra services, etc) on top of it. And of course if he's doing that stuff I'm watching the baby, so that's several more hours we're apart. Besides that, he's teaching Sunday school, which is during Matins before liturgy, so either we have to take separate cars, in which case I am trying to get myself and the baby ready alone, or I have to try to take a three-month-old to three straight hours of church. I've tried both ways, and it's a lose-lose situation.

If it were a bowling league or something, I would have no problem asking him to quit. But how do you ask someone not to teach Sunday school or clean up after the church festival without sounding like a jerk? We were really active in our home parish, but that parish needed us more and we were unmarried and childless when we were there. Now we go to a bigger, more financially secure parish with lots of people who aren't burning the candle at seven ends who can do this stuff. But since husband never says no, he always gets asked.

Help!

 

[DavidBryan]

Voicing what you've just said--that you know you might sound like a jerk but really do recognize the importance of Church--would be a good place to start.

Speaking from the "I" is another good technique...in other words, let him know what you're feeling instead of telling him what he's doing or not doing. Remind him that home is a "little church," as well.

Prayers in this. God bless; I know this can't be comfortable or easy, but your hesitance and care will probably ultimately help things...

 

[Akathist]

Sounds to me like it is time to start dating your husband again!

The advise to set aside one evening (or afternoon) a week for alone time is what I mean. This is very very important especially with the baby. I realize you might not be able to afford to get a sitter or have someone else watch the baby and literally go out for a meal together and a nice stroll through the park or something once a week but if you possibly can, please consider it.

Let your husband know you miss him! That is a better approach I think than just to say "please stop doing for the church." Let him decide what to cut out to spend more time with you. (just my two cents worth.)

 

[kamikat]

I second the date idea. It really does help. Also, I noticed with my own husband that 3 months, with each baby, was about when he decided it was time to "get back to normal". In his mind, the baby was no longer a newborn, starting to sleep and eat on a regulasr schedule, ect. That meant in his mind that he wasn't needed as much to help out. Could that be what's going here?
kamikat

 

[repentant]

Not to be rude, but maybe try and not to be so selfish?

Your husband helping out with things pertaining to the Church is edifying for his soul. It also will edify you if taken with understanding and patience.

 

[gzt]

but at a certain point it really is wrong to spend so much time at church and not with your wife. not saying one way or another whether they're at that point, but one usually takes on fewer duties when one has kids than before. and one should be able to say "no" once in a while.

 

[ufonium2]

Not to be rude, but maybe try and not to be so selfish?

That was rude. I notice you're single. A good way to stay that way would be to tell your girlfriend that picking up trash after GreekFest is more important than your relationship with her or your kids.

 

[Greg the byzantine]

Maybe you need to practice saying no with him. I know that sounds wierd, but I have a problem saying no when people ask for help or assitance. He may not even want to do certain things, but is so afraid of upseting somebody or letting them down, he forgets that it's cutting into his time with you.

That doesn't let you of the hook. You also have to communicate with your husband so that he knows what's bothering with you. As much as guys would like to, we aren't mind readers. I'm sure he would be willing to compromise if you present it to him in a calm manner.

 

[repentant]

That was rude. I notice you're single. A good way to stay that way would be to tell your girlfriend that picking up trash after GreekFest is more important than your relationship with her or your kids.

Well forgive me..

And yes I am single, but only because I want it that way. But I think a relationship with God is more important than one with a wife and kids...


And why would I have kids with a girlfriend?

 

[Matrona]

If it were a bowling league or something, I would have no problem asking him to quit. But how do you ask someone not to teach Sunday school or clean up after the church festival without sounding like a jerk? We were really active in our home parish, but that parish needed us more and we were unmarried and childless when we were there. Now we go to a bigger, more financially secure parish with lots of people who aren't burning the candle at seven ends who can do this stuff. But since husband never says no, he always gets asked.

It's time for a Serious Talk[tm].

If someone comes up to Hubby to ask him to do something, and he says yes, interrupt and say "Wait, honey, weren't we going to (go for a walk in the park/whatever families do kind of thing) that day?" And if he doesn't get the hint, say, "Oh, you must have forgotten, we said we would do that DAYS ago, etc." and pull him away.

 

[repentant]

It's time for a Serious Talk[tm].

If someone comes up to Hubby to ask him to do something, and he says yes, interrupt and say "Wait, honey, weren't we going to (go for a walk in the park/whatever families do kind of thing) that day?" And if he doesn't get the hint, say, "Oh, you must have forgotten, we said we would do that DAYS ago, etc." and pull him away.

Yes tell her to lie, that's great...

 

[The Prokeimenon!]

My Priest had to tell me to stop coming to Church so much and spend more time at home. I used to do 10-14 services a week. Now I do 3-5. Ask your Priest to ask somebody else to do things. I think sometimes Priests get comfortable asking people to do things when they always say 'yes.'

Rdr Moses- husband, father, and Church junkie

 

[ThePilgrim]

My Priest had to tell me to stop coming to Church so much and spend more time at home. I used to do 10-14 services a week. Now I do 3-5. Ask your Priest to ask somebody else to do things. I think sometimes Priests get comfortable asking people to do things when they always say 'yes.'

Rdr Moses- husband, father, and Church junkie

Speaking of the father bit, when were they born and how did that go? I was praying for you guys in front of the relics of two different Saint Moseses in mid-August....

John

 

[Akathist]

Speaking of the father bit, when were they born and how did that go? I was praying for you guys in front of the relics of two different Saint Moseses in mid-August....

John

I think his Patron is "St. Moses the Black" who I believe is honored an August 28th. But I could be wrong. If I am that is whose intervention I have sought for our dear fellow TAW'er.

 

[Matrona]

Yes tell her to lie, that's great...

No wonder you're so popular with the ladies, Casanova.

 

[ThePilgrim]

I think his Patron is "St. Moses the Black" who I believe is honored an August 28th. But I could be wrong. If I am that is whose intervention I have sought for our dear fellow TAW'er.

Oh, I know these weren't his patron saints. But they were still saints named Moses, and their actual full relics were in front of me, which made me think of Moses and Katherine and the kids, because it was still the same name... I thought it would be cool if they were born on that same day

 

[Matrona]

Moses and Kat's kids were born on August 14th, IIRC.

 

[gzt]

repentant: one's home is also one's parish, and the father of the household is like a little priest of his home. there ya go.

 

[Orthosdoxa]

...

 

[Matrona]

Aaaaaaaah! Babiessssssssss!!!!

/me dissolves into puddle on the floor