Evangelical Women Urging Churches to Address Abuse

Dave-W

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His (or her, if the abuser is a woman) presence in the same community and physical space would be an ongoing problem.
BTDT, and I completely agree.
What is an accused abuser going to do to someone in Church?
In one situation, a woman (congregational member) was in a home group I led. She was a brand new believer. She was in a relationship with a widower who had been a believer for at least 30 years. He was not yet a member of our congregation. The relationship turned toxic and there was both spiritual and sexual abuse. So she broke it off. He and one of his friends sat in a place where they could stare at her and intimidate her during services (but hidden from those in the front). The friend was the pastor's son and the abuser had been a childhood friend of the son.
 
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JCFantasy23

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I don't know one pastor that would sweep anything like abuse of women or even men under the rug. Having said that, I know from talking with women who've been abused, that talking about it with others is a very private and sometimes fear-filled endeavor for a variety of reasons.

It is often not spoken about because of real or perceived fears that condemnation or ridicule will accompany what small support they will receive as a result of being open.

I think this would be the case for many situations, Chaplain David.

Unfortunately also many churches indulge in gossip and some people would be afraid of information leaking out.

Then again, at the church I was going to they seemed to ignore a case where children had signs of being abused until my mother stepped in. Then they said they shouldn't have ignored the signs for years, one woman especially felt guilty. Sometimes people unwillingly turn a blind eye because they don't know how to deal with something.
 
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Almost there

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Christian SJW's? Interesting.

I thought this was always something addressed in the Gospel message.

Disclaimer: My wife was physically abused by her former husband and she never saw the church as lacking on this issue. The church covered her needs and the police covered her husband's.
 
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Dave-W

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I don't know one pastor that would sweep anything like abuse of women or even men under the rug. Having said that, I know from talking with women who've been abused, that talking about it with others is a very private and sometimes fear-filled endeavor for a variety of reasons.
And if the pastor is the abuser???
 
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Chaplain David

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I think this would be the case for many situations, Chaplain David.

Unfortunately also many churches indulge in gossip and some people would be afraid of information leaking out.

Then again, at the church I was going to they seemed to ignore a case where children had signs of being abused until my mother stepped in. Then they said they shouldn't have ignored the signs for years, one woman especially felt guilty. Sometimes people unwillingly turn a blind eye because they don't know how to deal with something.
I would not be active in a church that swept abuse under the rug.

In the military we had committees in place that dealt with violence and abuse proactively. I was trained in this area and know others who served in helping individuals and families overcome abuse issues.

You had the perpetrators who were dealt with and the abused parties who needed help as well. If I was pastor of a church I would insure that there was a plan in place that spelled out very specifically what steps needed to be taken in case of abuse. This plan would delineate very specifically what needed to be done with the perpetrator and how the abused parties needed to be assisted.

We must never forget the abused as they often have difficulty over long periods of time, if not their whole lives.

Also, it hasn't been given a lot of emphasis in this thread, but there are males that have been abused and they also need help but are sometimes overlooked. In both cases confidentiality of the abused must be preserved IMO.

It is absolutely mind boggling how many people have been abused. I've seen statistics that state one out of three individuals will have experienced abuse during their lifetimes. Clergy should always be advocates for the abused, especially children. Pastors however, do not always have the power or the training to effectively deal with abuse themselves. But we can take proactive steps so that abuse is dealt with.

Since I am a Baptist I'm used to there being a board of Deacons who are active in church business and this also includes oversight of the pastors. So it would seem that in addition to pastors being educated in abuse, having a plan in place etc., the Deacons should also be educated in how to firmly and concretely deal with abuse and abusers, and how to go about providing help such as counseling for the abused parties.

As an after thought I want to say that I experienced attempted abuse by a member of the clergy. So in addition to training in these matters, I have some insight about what it is like to be the aggrieved party. Thank God I was of an age where I could get away from the abuser. Some of the abused, both male and females, both children and young people, do not always have this ability.

Does anyone here serve on any committees or function in a counseling capacity that gives them the privilege of trying to help people who have been traumatized, abused or hurt by sexual or physical abuse?
 
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Paidiske

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Does anyone here serve on any committees or function in a counseling capacity that gives them the privilege of trying to help people who have been traumatized, abused or hurt by sexual or physical abuse?

I'm not qualified for that kind of counselling work, but I've been the person people choose to disclose to, and then I have the work of finding the right referral etc for them. Of course if they were in my congregation they would be under my ongoing pastoral care, but I would want to see them getting other, more specialised, help as well.

My church doesn't have any sort of committee process for that, though. We don't have anything like your board of deacons at a congregational level.
 
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teresa

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My ex is an ordained minister and when he was abusing me, including raping me when I was unconscious and deeply medicated at home, it was the church, our church that came down on ME for being the one who went to the hospital for help.

The senior pastor said I was destroying my husband by going into the hospital, and ruining his life by accumulating medical bills. This senior pastor had the audacity to visit me in the hospital so that he could chew me out and shame me and blame me.

I was ostracized and rejected by the women at church due to gossip-none of which told the truth. Not one of those church members actually asked me what the story was, they just accepted the stuff being bantered about by pastor.

They trusted a male church leader to instruct them as to what reality was.

Outrageously, no one actually asked me directly. Was it because I was a woman and also had been deemed mentally ill?

Yes!

My words, my feelings, my experience were completely denied and stiffed.

The norm is to follow the pastors direction, so many are unwittingly a part of the destruction of another human being.

It has been devastating to say the least, leading into another relationship that had much, much worse abuse, as I had learned I was not worth any better.
 
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Dave-W

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In your case there was a board and another pastor.

How about the case of an independent church that there is only the pastor, no board or anything else?

This is one reason I do not like church government styles where there is no outside oversight.
 
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WolfGate

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In your case there was a board and another pastor.

How about the case of an independent church that there is only the pastor, no board or anything else?

This is one reason I do not like church government styles where there is no outside oversight.

I agree. We recently visited a church a couple of times that used to be pastor led. The new pastor is installing an elder board, but it is not yet in place and not clear what its role will be. I find myself a bit uncomfortable right now because of that. Even in our church with the board and another pastor things went awry - much greater is that risk with no oversight.
 
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Dave-W

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I agree. We recently visited a church a couple of times that used to be pastor led. The new pastor is installing an elder board, but it is not yet in place and not clear what its role will be. I find myself a bit uncomfortable right now because of that. Even in our church with the board and another pastor things went awry - much greater is that risk with no oversight.
Indeed. I am referring to off-site oversight, like a denominational regional board or an off-site pastor's pastor. Someone (or group of someones) that have enough authority to remove an offending senior pastor.
 
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JCFantasy23

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My ex is an ordained minister and when he was abusing me, including raping me when I was unconscious and deeply medicated at home, it was the church, our church that came down on ME for being the one who went to the hospital for help.

The senior pastor said I was destroying my husband by going into the hospital, and ruining his life by accumulating medical bills. This senior pastor had the audacity to visit me in the hospital so that he could chew me out and shame me and blame me.

I was ostracized and rejected by the women at church due to gossip-none of which told the truth. Not one of those church members actually asked me what the story was, they just accepted the stuff being bantered about by pastor.

They trusted a male church leader to instruct them as to what reality was.

Outrageously, no one actually asked me directly. Was it because I was a woman and also had been deemed mentally ill?

Yes!

My words, my feelings, my experience were completely denied and stiffed.

The norm is to follow the pastors direction, so many are unwittingly a part of the destruction of another human being.

It has been devastating to say the least, leading into another relationship that had much, much worse abuse, as I had learned I was not worth any better.

:groupray: So sorry to hear all that, Hope.
 
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mkgal1

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This situation is a bit different (it was an addiction to inappropriate content)...but it'd be great if a model like this were readily available--and utilized --when needed for dealing with abuse:

linked article said:
a former youth pastor, was downloading a inappropriate contentographic video on his computer at work when he had to leave it to go to the weekly pastoral staff prayer meeting.

While he was gone, his administrative assistant went into [his] office to use the computer and was shocked by what he saw.

The assistant, who had been on the job for only a couple of weeks, didn't confront [him] but did tell the Rev. Mark Krieger, Modesto Covenant's senior pastor.

A day or two later, when he was called into Krieger's office, [he] downplayed the incident. After all, even his wife had caught just a glimpse of his secret life over the past 15 years, and the lies went deep.

"I told him I clicked on something, and it was a stupid mistake to make, and it wouldn't ever happen again. I was trying to cover up the addiction," [he] said.

But Krieger had talked to denominational officials with experience in sexual addictions. They advised him to take [his] computer and have an expert look at it. [The youth pastor] was temporarily suspended, pending an investigation.

The Covenant denomination put [him] under "discipline" and took away his pastoral license. They said the family should attend a different church to protect those hurt by his addiction, a consequence that deeply affected [his] wife and children.

Local church leaders agreed on a plan: They would pay for an intensive four-day workshop in Tennessee on sexual addictions for the [youth pastor and his wife] and for counseling beyond that. They agreed to continue to pay [his] salary for three months.

[The youth pastor] said it was an offer full of grace, one he knew he didn't deserve.

His first step in his road to recovery was joining a newly formed support group in Modesto that worked with men addicted to inappropriate contentography. Three pastors, including one with a story similar to [his], and four other men met weekly and agreed to be accountable to each other.

"For the first time, I felt like this was a God thing, that getting caught was something God had initiated," [the youth pastor] said.--

Web of inappropriate content: Ex-Modesto pastor makes admission
 
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ValleyGal

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Does anyone here serve on any committees or function in a counseling capacity that gives them the privilege of trying to help people who have been traumatized, abused or hurt by sexual or physical abuse?
I work with families whose children are at risk for (or have already been) removed by child protective services. The people I work with have addictions, were raised in foster care, have severe anger issues, mental illnesses - both treated and untreated, and a common theme among all of them (except a very few who are community referrals) is abuse. Sometimes the abuse is still going on between adults while I'm working with them. With each cycle of programming, I typically have at least one, but usually two, men who are single parents because the mom skipped, is on drugs, or is in jail for abusing him. I attend frequent training on trauma-informed practice, and it was part of my formal post-degree diploma in interprofessional mental health and addictions.

After hearing one client tell his story, I said that I was glad he could speak so freely about it, and he said it's only because some of society finally takes men seriously, and no longer laugh at them or tell them to man up - which is something you still hear very much of in the church, right along with victim-blaming if it's the woman being abused. And this is a significant part of why I believe that churches should pitch in for even very part-time social workers, who are able to deal with these social problems in a Christian context, using Christian values. I had one client who was very open about his Christian faith, but this man could not bring himself to believe he was a good dad - and he really is a good dad...his kids put him down a lot because they compared him to their more "perfect" mom (this couple was divorced). I asked him if it's okay to bring his faith into the sessions, and with his permission, we started talking about the nature of God (he is Father, Son, and Spirit), and if we are created in his image, then we have that same likeness, parent, child (familial relationships come naturally to us), and spirit (eternal being). My client began to internalize this and other Christian concepts, and became a much more confident and competent dad.

I wish this for all my clients, but also that this kind of work could be done in the global church, as a regular part of healing and discipleship.
 
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mkgal1

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After hearing one client tell his story, I said that I was glad he could speak so freely about it, and he said it's only because some of society finally takes men seriously, and no longer laugh at them or tell them to man up - which is something you still hear very much of in the church, right along with victim-blaming if it's the woman being abused.
I do believe a lot of the reason why this is such an issue in churches is the distorted views on masculinity (what you're mentioning here).

I've shared this before...and I still believe this man has identified the problem (which your post supports is a common problem that has far-reaching consequences)--and is encouraging change towards uniting hearts with minds again:
 
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mkgal1

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Back story to Ehrman's ministry:

The 3 Scariest Words A Boy Can Hear

article linked above said:
I recognized that everything I had invested my life in — all my accomplishments, my achievements, the stuff I had accumulated — I recognized at that moment they offered no hope or help to my 19-year-old brother — 18-year-old brother — lying on his deathbed. ...All I had was these old "man up" kind of things — "suck it up, we'll get through this together" — when he really needed the emotional, the nurturing, the love. And I had to really struggle to pull that out of my heart.

On what it means to be a man

It think it can only be defined by two things: One, it's your capacity to love and to be loved. Masculinity ought to be defined in terms of relationships. Second thing, it ought to be defined by commitment to a cause. All of us have a responsibility to give back, to make the world more fair, more just, more hospitable for every human being. So I think it's about relationships and commitments to a cause. That's the underline of all humanity — men and women.
 
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teresa

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Back story to Ehrman's ministry:

The 3 Scariest Words A Boy Can Hear

Great article and video from ted talks (love the links you post!)

Do we not teach boys to behave this way at church based upon judeo-christian values?

How did we ever come to the belief that to be a man meant to not show any emotions?

jesus wept

jesus greeted his apostles with a kiss

how is the church perpetuating abuse?--should that be a new thread?
 
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