Engaged but having doubts

[manches432]

Hello all who take the time to read and respond,

I have a problem that I would like others' input on. I am currently engaged. I dated my fiancé for 5 months before asking her to marry me, and the wedding is five months from now, in August. There is some distance between us, so we only get the opportunity to physically see each other every few months. When I asked her to marry me I did not have any doubts, I believed what we were doing was, though quicker than normal, the right move. She is a God fearing woman and would make a great wife. The problem I am facing is that in the last few weeks I have begun having doubts. The doubts I have are questions such as do I really want to be married right now? Am I really going to be able to give this woman every part of my being at this time in my life? I believe there is never going to be that "perfect time" to get married, that there will always be something else going on, but I do not know if I truly long to be married right now, or if the thought of marriage and companionship is more alluring to me. I think I should be excited to be starting a life with someone, not wondering if I am really going to enjoy whats to come, or have to work at hiding negative feelings once married(feelings that could be avoided if my doubts are true). This is very troublesome to me because I hold marriage and engagement in a very high place. There is no option of divorce once wed.

So, I would like to hear anyone's opinion on my situation. Would you advise burying the doubts and going ahead with the wedding, or heed the doubts I am having, and possibly extend the engagement or end the relationship? Thank uou everyone who takes the time to respond, it is very much appreciated.

 

[akmom]

Only you can answer to whether you are ready to marry. But it sounds like your concerns are pretty generic. You didn't mention any red flags that would suggest a problem with either party or your ability to enter marriage. And it doesn't sound like you made the decision on a whim either. So, to me, it sounds more like normal reflection before a big decision. You are contemplating the seriousness of your upcoming commitment. You are acknowledging the real possibility of difficulties. Those thoughts alone are not indicators that you shouldn't marry. (In fact, if you had no hesitation, I would suspect you weren't thinking through it very much.)

If you have specific concerns about marriage, discuss with your fiancé how you guys will deal with them in the marriage. What if you find you need some alone time? How will you communicate that to your spouse, and what accommodations will your spouse make for you? You can ask her this now, because it's on your mind. Not because you actually feel that way (yet). So if it ever happens, you already know how to approach the problem.

I think the best thing an engaged couple can do before marriage is get quality pre-marriage counseling. We enjoyed ours very much, and I feel it was helpful later on.

 

[ParentofChildren]

Please get counseling, speak to her Dad & yours/mentor at least twice. You may even want to postpone. If it is love, it will be patient.

 

[Brandon25]

Hey Manches432,

Man I think everyone gets some level of doubt at the very beginning of the engagement. You realize the gravity of the commitment, and if you are marrying your soul mate. when me and my fiancé first got engaged, I was hit a little bit of the gravity of the commitment at first, but 5 months later and I couldn't be more certain and at peace that she is the one I want to spend my life with. You need to give it time, and I would strongly suggest you and her go through pre-marital counseling, and be guided by a Godly couple that can help you navigate through this time of your lives.

I would strongly suggest you not back out, but rather postpone the wedding date and seek counsel!

I pray that God will give you guidance and lead you in his will! AMEN!

 

[JojotheBeloved]

Just because it's fast doesn't mean it's not right. Only you two can decide if it's right for you, but I have known plenty of older couples that got married quickly and have been very happy together.

I think what you are describing is simply normal nervousness that happens any time you make a big decision in life. I have doubt nearly every time I make a big decision, and only time will tell if it turns out good or not. Fear is no good reason not to do something though, it's especially not a good reason to not get married. Fear will always create doubt, but as long as there are no red flag/deal-braker sort of things going on (which it doesn't sound like it, because you would've known about it before asking someone to marry you I would assume), than deal with the doubt for what it is - normal fear reaction to a big decision.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

Btw, when I say older couples, what I meant was that they have been married a long time. 25 + years together. Still happily married.

 

[Ben Collyer]

so are you married OP?

 

[Soyeong]

Hello all who take the time to read and respond,

I have a problem that I would like others' input on. I am currently engaged. I dated my fiancé for 5 months before asking her to marry me, and the wedding is five months from now, in August. There is some distance between us, so we only get the opportunity to physically see each other every few months. When I asked her to marry me I did not have any doubts, I believed what we were doing was, though quicker than normal, the right move. She is a God fearing woman and would make a great wife. The problem I am facing is that in the last few weeks I have begun having doubts. The doubts I have are questions such as do I really want to be married right now? Am I really going to be able to give this woman every part of my being at this time in my life? I believe there is never going to be that "perfect time" to get married, that there will always be something else going on, but I do not know if I truly long to be married right now, or if the thought of marriage and companionship is more alluring to me. I think I should be excited to be starting a life with someone, not wondering if I am really going to enjoy whats to come, or have to work at hiding negative feelings once married(feelings that could be avoided if my doubts are true). This is very troublesome to me because I hold marriage and engagement in a very high place. There is no option of divorce once wed.

So, I would like to hear anyone's opinion on my situation. Would you advise burying the doubts and going ahead with the wedding, or heed the doubts I am having, and possibly extend the engagement or end the relationship? Thank uou everyone who takes the time to respond, it is very much appreciated.

I always recommend pre-marriage counselling even when everything seems to be going fine. There are many issues, changes, or assumptions that are good to discuss before hand that you might not think about that could otherwise become a source of conflict later on. For example one or both of you might have strong feelings about whether any potential children attend public, private, or homeschool, and it is generally less stressful to make plans about these sorts of decisions long before it gets to the point when you have to make a decision. Discussing these sorts of issues can also give you more confidence about what you can expect about what you are getting into.

To use an analogy, it is much better for a mechanic to do preventative maintenance on your car to help make sure that everything is continuing to run smoothly than for a mechanic to help fix something after something in your car is broken. In the same way, it is better for a Christian marriage counselor to do preventative maintenance on your marriage to help everything to continue to run smoothly than to help fix your marriage after it is broken. So there can be good reason to see a marriage counselor even when everything seems to be going fine because they can help you keep it that way.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi folks; this was 4 years ago; the person's situation has probably changed a lot since then...