Emotional Abusive Parent?

[MNdad2]

I started to write a very lengthy post earlier and decided to keep it short for now and then see where this thread goes. How do I help my kids (11s, 13s, 16d and 18d) deal with what I would call emotional abuse from their mother? In the past I would discuss these issues directly to her but her response every single time would be to deny she was doing anything wrong and then she would go after the kids for talking to their dad about the things she does. So now I don’t say anything to her out of concern for the kids. All my kids know they can talk to me about anything, which they have. But then I’m left with how do I help them? I give them the best advice that I can that doesn’t disparage their mother but I don’t know if that helps them at all. An example of this; my boys came to me saying that their mom started to smoke. Which to you and me may not be a big deal but to a young child this is a big deal since they’ve been taught all their lives that smoking is not good for your health. I simply told them that even though mom hasn’t done this before, she is old enough to make that decision and just because she smokes, that doesn’t make their mom a bad person. I did qualify this by agreeing with them that smoking is not good for their health. But my 11 year old was sobbing in the car as he told me this. Then other stuff came pouring out of him, mom is drunk all the time, mom is never home, mom is always on her phone, mom never makes time for us, etc. I obviously know it’s not that bad but I do know there is a lot of truth in what they say. My ex has been “seeing” a married man. As time has gone on and my older girls figured it out and my ex has become comfortable talking to them about this relationship as if they were best friends. This has strained on their relationship severely. One of our daughters moved in with me because of it.

How do I handle this? How do I help my kids cope with a parent that doesn’t seem to care about them (their words, not mine)? My two older daughters have been to counseling but at this point they don’t want to do that. My 13 year old son speaks to a counselor at school while my youngest boy has no interest at all to talk to anyone other than me. I’ve let them all know there are good people at our church they can talk too but so far they have not taken up on the offer.

As many of you know, it hurts when your kids hurt. What makes it worse is the source of a lot of their pain is a parent.

And if I’m wrong, please let me know. I’m obviously too close to this situation to be completely unbiased. I know kids can try and play parents against each other but again, I know a lot of what they say is based in fact because of what I’ve seen.

Thank you again for your help and advice.

 

[friend of]

Sorry to say, it sounds like narcissistic abuse on her part, especially if she's incapable or unwilling to acknowledge the very real negative impact her decisions are having on the kids.

In the past I would discuss these issues directly to her but her response every single time would be to deny she was doing anything wrong and then she would go after the kids for talking to their dad about the things she does. So now I don’t say anything to her out of concern for the kids.

Just an observation here, but she's in the wrong. You have a right to be concerned here because you are the father and you are clearly the more responsible and invested parent. You need to gather yourself and present nonnegotiable boundaries to her and make her understand how her conduct is affecting the children. Seek professional guidance/counselling if necessary; not to patch up your relationship with her, but to have a 3rd party present which will hopefully reinforce positive behavioral changes around the kids.

 

[quatona]

How do I handle this? How do I help my kids cope with a parent that doesn’t seem to care about them (their words, not mine)?

In that you care for them as much as possible. (May feel like it´s not enough, but it´s all you can do.)
Of course, at some point it might become a case for legal means...(I don´t know how that works in America, though).

And if I’m wrong, please let me know.

There´s way too little information for me to have an opinion on that.

I’m obviously too close to this situation to be completely unbiased.

Of course you are biased - but it seems like you are trying your best to let this bias not influence your actions.

I know kids can try and play parents against each other but again, I know a lot of what they say is based in fact because of what I’ve seen.

Whenever you want to criticize or confront the mother, I would advice you to do it from your own perspective and observation - not that of the kids. In my experience though, criticism, confrontation and judgement aren´t good means when trying to open up another person.
Also: It´s always a good idea to have a concrete, positive request instead of general or abstract complaints.

Have you considered seeing a family therapist/couselor yourself?

All the best!

 

[Catherineanne]

I started to write a very lengthy post earlier and decided to keep it short for now and then see where this thread goes. How do I help my kids (11s, 13s, 16d and 18d) deal with what I would call emotional abuse from their mother? In the past I would discuss these issues directly to her but her response every single time would be to deny she was doing anything wrong and then she would go after the kids for talking to their dad about the things she does. So now I don’t say anything to her out of concern for the kids. All my kids know they can talk to me about anything, which they have. But then I’m left with how do I help them? I give them the best advice that I can that doesn’t disparage their mother but I don’t know if that helps them at all. An example of this; my boys came to me saying that their mom started to smoke. Which to you and me may not be a big deal but to a young child this is a big deal since they’ve been taught all their lives that smoking is not good for your health. I simply told them that even though mom hasn’t done this before, she is old enough to make that decision and just because she smokes, that doesn’t make their mom a bad person. I did qualify this by agreeing with them that smoking is not good for their health. But my 11 year old was sobbing in the car as he told me this. Then other stuff came pouring out of him, mom is drunk all the time, mom is never home, mom is always on her phone, mom never makes time for us, etc. I obviously know it’s not that bad but I do know there is a lot of truth in what they say.

Why do you think 'it's not that bad'? What if it really, really is?

An 11 year old sobbing in the car sounds bad to me. Start believing him.

My ex has been “seeing” a married man. As time has gone on and my older girls figured it out and my ex has become comfortable talking to them about this relationship as if they were best friends. This has strained on their relationship severely. One of our daughters moved in with me because of it.

How do I handle this? How do I help my kids cope with a parent that doesn’t seem to care about them (their words, not mine)? My two older daughters have been to counseling but at this point they don’t want to do that. My 13 year old son speaks to a counselor at school while my youngest boy has no interest at all to talk to anyone other than me. I’ve let them all know there are good people at our church they can talk too but so far they have not taken up on the offer.

As many of you know, it hurts when your kids hurt. What makes it worse is the source of a lot of their pain is a parent.

And if I’m wrong, please let me know. I’m obviously too close to this situation to be completely unbiased. I know kids can try and play parents against each other but again, I know a lot of what they say is based in fact because of what I’ve seen.

Thank you again for your help and advice.

First, stop thinking your children are not telling you the truth. They are. Start believing them.

You say their mother is emotionally abusing them. I have news for you; discounting what they say and pretending that their reality is not actually real is emotional abuse. Trying to control the narrative so that you can pretend that everything isn't really all that bad? Emotional abuse.

Start listening to your children, and start believing what they say.

When is it Emotional Abuse?

Second, speak to a lawyer. If their mother is routinely drunk when looking after these children then something has to change.

 

[JAM2b]

You could check your state child abuse laws and see what it says about emotional abuse. You may have reason to report her.

Give every detail that you can to family or child therapist so that they can help if there are things that need to be reported. If there is nothing that can be legally done about it, then at least get professional help for how to deal with it.

Seek legal advice from a family law attorney if you can afford to. Consider trying to get the custody/visitation orders changed for the sake of the children's wellbeing.

I think you are trying hard to do the right thing. That is very important to continue. It shows that you love your children a great deal, and you also care about what is right.

 

[dayhiker]

Lots of good advice. In prep for the legal advice, I think it would be good to document what you can of what their mother is doing and when.
Consider advocating more for your kids. Let them know there is an option of them living with you. Brain storm with them as to what their options are.
One of my friends got a divorce with the mother getting primary care. But she was so bad as a mother that he documented it and in about 1.5 yrs he had custody. The daughter was in a much better place with with just short visits to see her mom.