Dwelling on the past

[JCC19240]

Before becoming a Christian, I was in a very bad place. I was doing things I should not have been and I feel badly about the things I did. I prayed for forgiveness and peace and God gave me the comfort I needed. About two years ago, I was in bad place. I partied a lot. I met my new boyfriend about 4 months ago and things are going extremely well. We both have a love for God and we are getting serious and talking about long term and permanent commitment. My boyfriend knows I have a past, but I told him I did not want to go into specifics at this time (he mainly wants to know who I have been with). He has admitted to me that he also has a past, but honestly, I don't wish to know details. I'm concerned with who he is now as a Christian and not who he was before. I worry that after I tell him details of my past, he will no longer want to be with me. We are from the same hometown and he knows a few of the people that I have been with. Is this something that I should be upfront with him about? What would be the best way to go about this situation? I don't ever want there to be any secrets between him and I, but I am afraid if we both dwell on our pasts, then we can't focus on the future. Also, if he ever asked me specifically if I had been with the person, I would never lie about it. I would tell him the truth. Thank you all in advance for the help.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[razzelflabben]

Before becoming a Christian, I was in a very bad place. I was doing things I should not have been and I feel badly about the things I did. I prayed for forgiveness and peace and God gave me the comfort I needed. About two years ago, I was in bad place. I partied a lot. I met my new boyfriend about 4 months ago and things are going extremely well. We both have a love for God and we are getting serious and talking about long term and permanent commitment. My boyfriend knows I have a past, but I told him I did not want to go into specifics at this time (he mainly wants to know who I have been with). He has admitted to me that he also has a past, but honestly, I don't wish to know details. I'm concerned with who he is now as a Christian and not who he was before. I worry that after I tell him details of my past, he will no longer want to be with me. We are from the same hometown and he knows a few of the people that I have been with. Is this something that I should be upfront with him about? What would be the best way to go about this situation? I don't ever want there to be any secrets between him and I, but I am afraid if we both dwell on our pasts, then we can't focus on the future. Also, if he ever asked me specifically if I had been with the person, I would never lie about it. I would tell him the truth. Thank you all in advance for the help.

I'm not sure anyone here is really qualified to answer the question for you since God alone knows what is best for you and your boyfriend. That being said, I would ask both of you this question. If God has forgiven your past and cast your sins as far as the east is from the west, what would be gained by bringing them up? Now there can be valid answers to that question, like being able to focus on other things or being able to forgive what happened, but only you two can answer the question.

In my own life, there are things that knowing make it harder to put behind me and things that knowing make it easier to put it behind me. If you are to be together, there can be no secrets but that does not mean that you have to speak things that would only make your relationship with God worse by shifting your focus from God onto your past. So prayerfully consider what would be gained and ask God for the wisdom He promised. If it will clear the air and help you to stay focused on God, talk it out. If it will just cause either of you to dwell on the past and draw you away from God...then it is in the past and forgiven. I guess that is the long way of saying, will talking it out help either or both of you to forgive one another and yourselves?

 

[NeedyFollower]

Before becoming a Christian, I was in a very bad place. I was doing things I should not have been and I feel badly about the things I did. I prayed for forgiveness and peace and God gave me the comfort I needed. About two years ago, I was in bad place. I partied a lot. I met my new boyfriend about 4 months ago and things are going extremely well. We both have a love for God and we are getting serious and talking about long term and permanent commitment. My boyfriend knows I have a past, but I told him I did not want to go into specifics at this time (he mainly wants to know who I have been with). He has admitted to me that he also has a past, but honestly, I don't wish to know details. I'm concerned with who he is now as a Christian and not who he was before. I worry that after I tell him details of my past, he will no longer want to be with me. We are from the same hometown and he knows a few of the people that I have been with. Is this something that I should be upfront with him about? What would be the best way to go about this situation? I don't ever want there to be any secrets between him and I, but I am afraid if we both dwell on our pasts, then we can't focus on the future. Also, if he ever asked me specifically if I had been with the person, I would never lie about it. I would tell him the truth. Thank you all in advance for the help.

I do not even know what a boyfriend is ...is this a brother in Christ with whom you both feel it better to be married in your service to Christ . Is your "courtship" about Jesus and the Kingdom of God or about yourselves ? It should be about Jesus . It should be about being joint heirs of the promise ...if it is about carnal things , then I would question the foundation on which you are "dating " what ever dating means . We have become very modern in our thinking to our own detriment . I do not even know why he would bring it up ...God is aware of our past but as has been stated , has put it behind HIM ....WHY in the world would your " boyfriend " bring it up ?????? To what Godly purpose ? Is he afraid you have not repented ? When Jesus returns , you will be brother and sister in Christ as we all will be .

 

[shrinking_violet]

What I noticed is that you feel enough peace with how you've learned and grown from your past that you are ok with disclosing it if needed so long as your bf doesn't judge present-day you by a past you no longer subscribe to. That sounds very mature and strong to me. I hope your bf is just as mature and can appreciate you for the person you are now. If he can't, that's a failing on his part. Everyone makes mistakes in their youth and strong people grow from them (Romans 3:22-23). If your bf can't accept that you're a human being, but expects you to accept that he's a flawed human being, then he's a hypocrite. (Not a great look, Matthew 23:13).

You're under no obligation to tell your bf any part of your past. If he wants to know something, it's his responsibility to ask you. Your responsibility, if asked, is to provide a truthful answer. (Note that "I don't feel comfortable talking about that" is an acceptable truthful answer.)

One thing I love about my own relationship with my partner is that I get to share whatever past thing I'm ashamed of with my partner and have confidence that bae will still love me. (Though I can expect some playful teasing.) My situation is a little reversed from you since my shameful past tends to involve things I did while I was a Christian and my present involves much more partying, but the general principle still applies: it's better to be in a relationship with someone you feel comfortable talking with. I hope that's the relationship you're in. If it isn't, I hate to say it so harshly, but you're better off without him.

Footnote: It's been a while since I posted here (so long I forgot my old username and password) and I don't remember the policy on bible quotes. Trying to act in good faith, so here's the NIV of the Bible verses I mentioned. (I've bolded some parts.)
Romans 3:22-23 This righteousness is given through faith in Or through the faithfulness of Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
Matthew 23:13 Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.