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Drug Use and Infidelity

Discussion in 'Addictions & Substances' started by tizherself, Aug 8, 2006.

  1. tizherself

    tizherself Member

    I don't have any experience with substance abuse, but I am asking for the perspective of someone who has been under the bondage of drug use. I found out in a very short period of time (one night!) that my husband had been heavily using meth and been having an affair. He is now in recovery for the drug use. He blames the entire affair, over a 5/6 month span of time on the drug use. Say's it left him incapable of juding right and wrong. Now, I admit being naive here, in hindsight I recognize the nose bleeds, the excessive perspiration, the weight loss, the mood swings. But he also managed to work a full-time job with heavy customer contact and complicated contracts, coach his son's soccer team, make convincing devotions at church, and basically live his daily life, making complicated decisions regularly. How he could somehow not be able to discern that lying to and cheating on his wife was immoral is just beyond me. My fear lies in that I can't fathom that doing this drug made him so "helpless" that he couldn't fend off the advances of a 21 year old, 90 lb girl!!! What have been your experiences?? I fear that though the drug use may be gone, my spouses affinity for adultery remains..:(
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. AngelDove1

    AngelDove1 Guest

    Why don't you try getting help for your self?

    Al-anon has a great program...for ppl living or in a marriage situation like yours.

    You need help too_Or you'll go insane trying to figure it out for your self.

    The focus should be on your sanity.

    You can't help him,if you don't first get help for yourself.
    Like the blind leading the blind
  3. jerry ralph

    jerry ralph Senior Member

    Good information AngelDove1.........thanks for stepping up to the plate, I would probably strike out on this one. May both of you be blessed abundantly......jerry
  4. AngelDove1

    AngelDove1 Guest

    ;) :thumbsup:
  5. tizherself

    tizherself Member

    You know, I don't know why I didn't think of that. I guess it just confirms how little I know about all of this. Is Alanon just for people whose spouses are actively using - or is it for anyone with this kind of experience?
  6. AngelDove1

    AngelDove1 Guest

    Al-anon is for anyone that has an addict of any kind in their life.
    The addicted one has effected your life. And Al-anon gives you tools...
    as they call them,to help you handle your emotions.
    And to go on with your own life,wheather the addict is still practicing or not.
    Its for you to keep your sanity in check.

    There will be ppl that tell how they used the program to help them go
    on with life.And not focus to much on the addict.

    If you have children,they have Al-ateen.

    You might want to mention AA or NA to you spouse.
    Then its up to him to go.Don't nag him into going.
    Thats a no no in Al-anon.

    You will come to fine A-anon,
    (like meny of us have) the teachings
    coninsides with God's word.

    Our church has Al-anon and AA
    meetings.They use biblical scriptures
    To help the user,and their families.

    My prayers are with you and yours
  7. livingword26

    livingword26 Veteran

    Alanon is for anyone who has a relationship with someone with and addiction problem. Try it. Your husband has more than one addiction problem. He is in denial about the infidelity. It is his fault not the drugs. In the end he is going to have to come clean to his elders in the church, until he does, he is still in denial. I have been addicted to many things. Until he is repentant, and that also means being sorry for those he hurt, and those he decieved, then he is not done.
  8. Tenebrae

    Tenebrae A follower of The Way

    Alanon would be a good step for you, as others have said I agree with living word though, your husband needs to own his actions... Which may be impossible if hes still in active addiction... He chose to have an affair, I dont believe he can get away with blaming that on the drugs
  9. AngelDove1

    AngelDove1 Guest

    needless to say...thats what most addicts do.....
    blame people,places and things,on the actions they take.

    Shame and guilt plays a big part in all the lies.

    Its easy to blame others for thier behavior.

    "The truth shall set you free"

  10. chilehed

    chilehed Veteran


    After a lot of thought, I really don't have an easy answer.

    I can tell you that addiction affected every area of my life, and that when I was using I did a lot of things that I wouldn't have done before and more certainly wouldn't do now. Addiction starts off seeming to be nothing more than enjoying a buzz, but eventually turns out to be a destroyer of relationships. Today I can identify things that were inside of me when I was young, emotional or spiritual things that left alone would have resulted in me being merely unhappy throughout my life, and that were the fertile soil for drug use to turn into a rampaging beast that turned me into myself and made me drive away everyone who ever loved me.

    In a way the extreme destruction of my life and the isolation that I felt as a result of my addiction were the shocks that got me to turn back toward God. He led me to NA, and then back into the Church, and in the process dealt with the issues that led me into addiction so that today I'm able to avoid sick relationships, choose healthy ones, and not cause (too much) emotional harm to those around me. I'm content with my life and I have a good marriage.

    And I know that even though I'm not responsible for the things that were inside of me, I'm responsible for the decisions I made.

    The suggestion to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon is a good one. Because addiction is an illness that manifests itself most fundamentally in our relationships, you yourself have been affected in ways you cannot see and that I don't know how to explain. If you each go to meetings on a regular basis and work the program closely with a sponsor, you'll find that things will sort themselves out in time. And even if (especially if!) he continues to have problems, you keep going yourself.

    Cleaning up the wreckage will not be easy, but it can be done by the grace of God acting through the lives of the people He brings to you.

    My prayers are with you.
  11. tizherself

    tizherself Member

    I am so glad that I looked for this forum. (I have a thread in the Marriage Ministry also) At first my spouse told me he didn't need NA, that although he has had the occassional struggle with the desire to use again, that he was not going to go down that road. He also was on an anti-depressant which he ended up quitting cold turkey (you're supposed to wean yourself off of those types of meds). He was arrested because he ended up assaulting me when I kept calling him on his affair. The police found the meth on him, and now he's going to trial for the drugs and the abuse. I kept asking him to go to meetings (I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to) but he said he was fine - didn't even want to drink anymore. Finally, last weekend he said he was going to go. Whether it is because he thinks he needs it, or if he thinks that it'll look good in court, I don't know. I guess the important thing is that he goes, period- right? I also thank you for the perspective on his cheating. It's something I think about alot. I agree that being under the influence of any substance, including alcohol will affect your judgement and your inhibitions. But I can't imagine it making you do something that isn't under the surface to begin with. I've been in situations where I've had a glass of wine too many (doesn't take much) and I've even been hit on, but I have never been tempted to even flirt! I let him know "thanks anyways" but I'm married. I think the drugs just gave my husband the lack of restraint to do what was in him to do anyways. Which I guess is a whole other issue... I just wanted to be sure that I wasn't being unreasonable.
  12. chilehed

    chilehed Veteran

    Everyone struggles with concupiscence. It's possible that your husband's would not have manifested itself as marital infidelity if he had not first engaged in active addiction.

    Addiction is a vicious spiral. If there hadn't first been something wrong then perhaps drugs wouldn't have grabbed me the way they did. Then once I was in the trap, the addiction fed on itself and turned those things into huge, grotesquely twisted forms of what they had been.