Don't Know If I Can Go On

[kathleenl]

Hello everyone: I'm new to this section but not new to OCD - I've had it ever since I can remember. It focuses mostly on spiritual issues.

I feel like I must deny myself things that I enjoy or something bad will happen. I've always enjoyed fashion and style and have a huge collection of fashion magazines like Vogue, Harper's Bazaar and Allure. I read somewhere a long time ago that these periodicals were not good for a Christian because of the worldliness. When I was a new Christian I listened to a lot of legalistic teachings which did not help a person with religious OCD one bit.

I was married to the most wonderful man on earth 25 years ago. It was a second marriage for each of us, our first marriages ending in divorce. We were new Christians at the time of our marriage. He was a spiritual and Godly man. He was also somewhat older than me - 18 years. I knew in the back of my mind that I would probably outlive him, at least statistically, by some years.

Back in the 90's he developed some health issues, and my OCD went into overdrive. I began thinking it was my fault because of the fashion magazine collection and other secular things like CD's, TV, movies, etc. , but mostly the fashion mags. I saw a therapist, who was a Christian, although I did not know that at the time I made the appointment. Thankfully, however, he was not a legalist, but definitely a committed Christian. He told me the fashion magazines and other things had nothing to do with my husband's health problems - that it was typical of OCD magical thinking.

Well, several years later he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, and I lost him last July. I am still grieving and, in addition to the profound grief, I am torturing myself with guilt that, IF ONLY, I would have gotten rid of the mags, that perhaps God would have healed him, and I would still have him here with me. I miss so much. I keep thinking maybe the therapist was wrong, and it was a disobedience issue or, even worse, an idolatry issue, ie I was making idols of magazines and this was God's way of disciplining me.

I hope someone can help me, because I don't know if I can go on like this.

Thank you for reading this,

Kathleen

 

[polishmanmike]

i am young and perhaps not very inteligent, but it just doesnt sound like the God that I serve to put your husband to death because of the magazines that u enjoyed reading. I am only saying this beacuse I dont know the situation. For example if u enjoyed some secular music (which by the way is sometimes better than Christian music I would like to say Andrea Bocceli(secular) vs. band that claims the name of Christ yet dont live it) i dont know wheter u listened to some coldplay or some marlin manson, you know? im not saying that that was the reason for your husbands death. Look if you are a Christian, born again Christ follower, washed in His Blood, living in His Kingdom, dead to this world..........you know God says that He gives u desires of your heart, so if u like fashion, and u like artistic things maybe God madu like that. Now of course lets be real if i like inappropriate content, weed or getting drunk, those arent desires of my heart that God put there. You are a believer, an joint HEIR with Christ to eternal life, why are we living like defeated Christian? Romans say that therefore there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, NONE! In Lamentations the Word says that the mercies of God reniew every morning, by living defeated life we are making what Christ taught usless, even His death, He not only gave us Eternal life but also life that is HERE, plz check out the topic on the main thread board called Kingodm of God is HERE and... it will hopefully get ur attention to as what the living in the Kingodm of God should be like NOW, not when we die. I urge you to griew after your husband but also to remember that there isnt such thing as death,

 

[kathleenl]

Dear Mike: You may be young, but you are wise and your answer makes sense. Thank you so much for responding. By the way, I love Andrea Bocelli, Sarah Brightman, and Michael Crawford. I also like the Celtic Women.

I appreciate that you took the time to reply. I was hoping to receive more responses, but I usually do not whenever I post to forums and message boards - I don't know why. Perhaps fellow Christians feel my interest in fashion disqualifies me.

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Kathleen, I am so sorry to hear about your husbands death and how you are grieving. May I tell you a little about myself. I love shopping and fashion and jewery and shoes and the list goes on, Those are good things in life that God has given to us, He wants us to enjoy our lives, I can make a promise to you, that it was not because you enjoyed reading your magizines that God took your wonderful husband home to be with him, we do not have the power over life and death only God has that power, and we can do nothing to change his love for us, He is not mad at you. We are the apple of his eye and the love of his life you and I are his bride isn't his Love amazing I promise you He is not mad at you and you can go on because the Lord wants you to go on and I know your husband would not want you to feel the way you do. WIth everything I have read on OCD which I also have, things are magnified for us when tragedy or stress hits but will you remember a verse that I have memorized Phil 4:8 And finally brethern whatever is true, noble right pure and lovely, excellent praiseworhy think on these things, Go to your Bible and see this verse I love the first thing it says Whatever is true, think on these things what is true about OCD someone said it on this forum it always attacks the things that are most important to us. What else is true God loves you (Jer. 29:11) He understands your OCD, My dear sister, Press on Don't give up,Remember Satan comes to kill steal and destroy but Jesus said Greater am I than He that is in the world. The last few days I have really been struggling with my OCD, but I am staying in Gods word, because even though sometimes my OCD and of course Satan wants me to run from Gods word I am not going to because It will not return void. also another dear Christian lady on this forum told me don't be afraid to seek help, Go back to the couselor you saw before you need some extra help right now to get through this time. You are not always going to feel the way you do right now things can and will get better . There are many of us struggling with this condition you are not alone I will stand with you in prayer. Love ya Sis Jan

 

[marcb]

Kathleen,

I am sorry to hear about your husband. I assure you, the magazines or any other thoughts had nothing to do with losing him. You are correct in your assertion that it was the "magic" thinking part of ocd. God has a plan for each of us and was not looking at something that was not a sin as a reason to take your husband.

Your grief definitely is warranted, but not the guilt. Have you taken meds in the past for your ocd? Are you off those meds or have you been to the doctor since you've begun grieving? A loss like this certainly can lead to depression and ocd spiking. If you have not been to the doctor to have your meds started or adjusted, please go. God loves you and does not want you to live with false guilt. Please get help. Marc

 

[kathleenl]

Thank you so much for responding to my post. Your replies mean more than you will ever know.

Jan - I have been seeing a grief counsellor at a Christian based facility in my area. It was started by a Catholic couple with they lost their child some years ago. The counsellor I've been seeing is an Evangelical Christian and a Pastor as well. I saw him just yesterday and he shared the exact passage that you shared. I know it was not mere coincidence. He also shared, from that same passage, about the peace of God which passes all understanding. He said the peace of God is NOT the absence of trials, but the fact that knowing God is in control and, as you probably know, control is a big part of OCD.

Marc - thank you for sharing your wisdom. I visited your blog and could identify with much of what you wrote but, mostly, I felt comforted by your knowledge of Scripture and your faith.

Instead of running, I fear my interest in fashion and my collection of magazines, are things that I put above God. The therapist I saw and still see periodically, said that we all put other things above God, and have to repent of this almost daily.

I am on medication (Zoloft) which helps some, especially with the blasphemous thoughts (which is how my journey with this awful neurosis began) and some of the overt compulsions such as checking and handwashing. They are still there but not anywhere as bad as they used to be and I can control them. This responsibility thing and the fact that I view anything secular as sin still, however, remain and have been very difficult to overcome. I will not give up, though - I don't want satan to win.

Again, thank you both very much. I am so glad you responded.

Blessings,
Kathleen

 

[marcb]

You are welcome. Keep on, my friend!

 

[gracealone]

HI Kathleen,
Just now read your post. I'm so sorry for both your losses, a loving husband and trusted therapist.
It sounds like you know your disorder pretty well. It's amazing though, that even though we know it's OCD the anxiety, guilt and fear that those kinds of thoughts produce in us can go a long way to causing us to continue to question and obsess over them. The feelings are powerful, I know, but that's the nature of OCD. It can really bully us around when we've been through the kind of stress that you've been through.
Last summer I shared with Christian audiences on three seperate occasions about my disorder. I was feeling good at the time. This last Christmas my disorder came back big time. You know what the first OCD thought was I had. "See.. you shouldn't have shared about your disorder because it really is about having a lack of faith and now God is letting you know by letting you feel miserable all over again... you've really blown it this time.. you should have kept your big mouth shut etc., etc.," OCD feels like a lack of faith but it isn't... I know that and I pretty sure you do too.
Sometimes I have to just sing out loud...."Feelings - nothing more than feelings." and nothing more.
So when the guilty, accusing thoughts come try very hard to just let them be there. Do not give them the attention that they are wanting you to give them. As soon as you do they start to win. I'm sure that you know that the more you debate with them, try to solve them, or counter them with positive arguments, the more fixated your brain gets on them. Your brain says.."Uh Oh!! this is something very important because look how much attention and concentration it's getting."
Fighting OCD is a paradoxical thing. It doesn't seem right to ignore or allow such thoughts to be in our brains but that's how the battle is best fought.
Great advice was also given before I wrote... but thought I'd add in my two cents for what it's worth.
I understand you, and I'm praying for you.
God Bless,
Mitzi