I read and re-read your post, over and over, and try to imagine what these 8 years have been for you, starting with the individual statements you make, and I simply fail. I try to recall the various stages of grief that are described in books and articles, and compare your post with my quite different experiences, but it doesn't really help me "know how you feel." It's situations like this where, for me to say "I know how you feel" or "I understand how you feel" would be untrue. I feel
for you.
The positive in what you write, I guess, is that there is change, there is "movement," even though right now you are apparently not satisfied with where you are.
However, I don't feel like I am living a life worth living either. I don't like this road that God put me on.
It would be impertinent of me to ask "have you told Him" explicitly that you don't like it, because I'm pretty sure you have. Is it a dislike with acceptance, or a dislike of rebellion; a dislike with nothing more, or a dislike with "Lord, please show me what you want me to learn from this?"
When I wrote this, the words of Habakkuk came to mind. If you have a moment, read the whole chapter 3 of his book. In fact read the whole book - it isn't long. He starts by pouring out his complaints over God's apparent disregard for all the injustice around him and the hardship he sees. But he ends his book with the following:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights."
And of course several other verses come to mind. Believe it or not, God delights in you! He loves and cherishes you - which possibly makes it even harder to understand why he's put you on this particular road. Claim his promise in Romans 8:28 "In
everything God works for the good of those who love him, who are called accordining to his purpose." I'm told that this can also be legitimately translated as "
in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good. This basically says it's a partnership. Perhaps this means you should build on the positive things that you're already mentioned ... list your blessings, go through them and thank Him for them, rejoice in His goodness, and hold on to His promises. See, perhaps, how your progressive "freedom" from your husband is also a freedom to do other things for the Lord - maybe to help others who are going through what you have already experienced. Talk to the Lord about the road you'd like to be on, listen to his answers about the pros and cons of that road compared to the one you're on now. See if you can find clarity as to where your present road is leading and why God would have you there.
My prayer for you is that you may know "how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:18,19) God bless.
