Does anyone else find the term offensive?

[GolfingMom]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to andiesmama again.

 

[Lena75]

I walked into that "child-free" forum a couple times and never again. I am astounded as to what folks have the nerve to post about folks like us. :o

 

[HeyHomie]

Looking at the first page of "our little sanctuary," as a previous poster so condescendingly called it, I see:

4-Legged Kids (about pets)
Post a Picture of Yourselves (picture sharing)
Generalizations (the thread that I believe precipitated this thread)
Vacations (no explanation needed)
Forced into children's ministry (about a woman at the OP's church who didn't like kids and was being goaded into working the nursery)
I should have kids because (in which we post facts about ourselves that would make us good parents IF we went down that road)
Worst Response You Have Ever Gotten From a Fellow Believer on This Subject (no explanation needed)
Breeder Bingo (where we share the bingos we've gotten)
Ever Been to Disneyworld? (no explanation needed)

I'm not seeing anything offensive there at all. With the possible exception of Breeder Bingo, which I think I explained pretty well , there's nothing there that invites anything even approaching offense.

Here's what I think is going on (and someday I'm going to publish my theory and make a million dollars, so NO PLAGIARIZING ME): I think the problem is threefold.

1) "When you criticize one parent, you criticize ALL parents." I think that a lot of offended parents take it to heart when we criticize the parents that we run into in our day-to-day dealings, and they read those criticisms as criticisms against them personally.

2) "If you don't have kids, then that must mean you don't like kids. And if you don't like kids, then you don't like my kids. And to dislike my kids is to insult me." There are some childfrees here at Christian Forums who genuinely don't like kids, but most of us do. But here's the thing: if someone doesn't like kids, that's their perogative. I applaud them for admitting it to theirself before having kids and regretting it.

3) "Parenting is OUR turf; you have no say in the matter." This is a kind of territorialism I see that says that those of us without kids have no right to criticize parents because we haven't walked in their shoes. Sorry, I don't buy it. I've never practiced law, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to opine about it when I think a judge is doing a bad job.

I think a lot of good will and conciliation was achieved in the recent childfree and parents thread. Unfortunately, it looks like the hoary old "us versus them" thing is creeping back in.

And Pilgrim Child, the link to the glossary is there so you can see how vulgar and insulting the militants can be. You'll see that none of us childfrees here at CF are anywhere near that kind militance.

 

[gracepaints]

I also feel that in cases of "bad parents" (and I refuse to use "breeders" here - how rude!), they would benefit from some education and support. They certainly do not need ridicule, contempt and derogatory terms.

Well said. To believe that it's acceptable or funny to talk about people in such terms might itself be considered a mark of poor breeding. How ironic.

 

[PinkTulip]

*sigh* I just "walked" on over there. I wish I hadn't...Breeder Bingo? That kind of hurts when one is trying to conceive and just lost a child...Oh well, to each his own.

 

[HeyHomie]

*sigh* I just "walked" on over there. I wish I hadn't...Breeder Bingo? That kind of hurts when one is trying to conceive and just lost a child...Oh well, to each his own.

Read post #2 and you'll see what "Breeder Bingo" is about.

Sorry to hear about your child.

 

[PilgrimChild]

So like I said....if somebody even thinks they'll be offended, don't read the forum.

If it was created as a safe haven, then why do people who are not childfree feel the need to visit and then start coming down on those in that particular forum for the everyday things they talk about?

And there are threads that belittle, etc other people in EVERY forum on CF, not just that forum. Doesn't make it right, but it's a fact of forum life.

It just kind of rubbed me the wrong way to see that forum attacked, especially when those guys are just minding their own business.

Stated my 2 cents...not that it'll make a difference, evidently...bye!!

Actually, I wasn't "attacking" the thread in my OP as you so claimed. I was actually wondering whether I was a little oversensitive in being offended by that term, or whether it actually offended other parents too.

Furthermore, the thread was tagged [OPEN], which means that everybody can read and comment, regardless of whether they have children or not.

It was the first thread I visited in the childfree forum, being that it was "open". For a minute there, I thought my comments might have actually been welcomed. I certainly wasn't expecting ridicule, nor was I expecting an attack here.

I don't appreciate being told off in this way, particularly when my intent was not that of an "attack".

 

[HeyHomie]

It was the first thread I visited in the childfree forum, being that it was "open".

That was definitely the wrong thread to go to. The OP of that thread has expressed her regret at the choice of words she used. You should read our sticky - it's quite the masterpiece.

Edited to add: looks the the sticky never moved past the "proposed" stage. But here it is anyway: http://www.christianforums.com/t3320634-possible-sticky-definition-of-childfree.html

 

[PilgrimChild]

I want to add that I'm really glad things have been cleared up over at the thread I originally alluded to. Seems it was a misunderstanding and intended to be lighthearted. The offensive term has been removed by the OP, which was a nice gesture of goodwill and respect.

Now, please, can we stop criticising one another and turning this into a big deal? I was just curious as to whether others found it offensive, or whether they saw it as no big deal.

I won't be going into the childfree forum again, for the record. It's not worth it.

 

[PilgrimChild]

When you say "masterpiece", does that mean it's a good thread to visit? Or does it also contain offensive terms?

 

[HeyHomie]

When you say "masterpiece", does that mean it's a good thread to visit? Or does it also contain offensive terms?

It's a masterpiece because I wrote it!

No, it doesn't contain offensive terms. In fact, it contains a lot of well-meaning hemming and hawing. You'll see when you read it that we are a kind and considerate bunch, and we have been very protective of others' feelings from the get-go.

 

[PilgrimChild]

It's a masterpiece because I wrote it!

No, it doesn't contain offensive terms. In fact, it contains a lot of well-meaning hemming and hawing. You'll see when you read it that we are a kind and considerate bunch, and we have been very protective of others' feelings from the get-go.

I had a quick look at this, but only because I was directed specifically to it and was assured it wasn't offensive. I agree, it's not offensive. (Thanks for that.)



I really don't see why such a definition needs to exist, particularly if you are sure of your decision and feel confident that it's right for you.

So you (all 'childfree' people) choose not to have kids? Yeah, so? You don't have kids, and don't want them, for whatever reason. That's totally okay. Why must we categorise people? Why do we have to say "No, you can't be in this class. You're not like us. You have a different label"? Why label at all? What is wrong with just accepting each other and respecting each other's choices?

I guess this is what I have the problem with. This isn't tolerance. It's closemindedness, stereotyping and being judgemental.

C'mon, peoples. Just live and let live already!

 

[oliveplants]

Furthermore, the thread was tagged [OPEN], which means that everybody can read and comment, regardless of whether they have children or not.

Forgive me, but the [open] tag is actually to allow non-christians to post in the 'Christians-only' section. I believe the forum-specific rules still apply.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I am not a fan of the term "breeder" because outside of the childfree community the definition of "bad parent" is not understood. So, if a parent hears the term "breeder" they will automatically assume that it applies to them whether they are great parents or one that is in serious need of parenting skills. I've said it before but it just makes me think of how animals are bred and I find it rather disturbing. I love animals. I grew up with animals and can't wait till I have enough land to raise my own animals but humans were set to oversee the rest of God's beautiful creations for a reason.

 

[HeatherJay]

Looking at the first page of "our little sanctuary," as a previous poster so condescendingly called it, .

I think it was me that used that term in a different thread (if I did so in this thread, I can't find it...someone show me, please). It was not meant to be condescending. I apologize. I'll edit it.

It's just the way I talk...I meant it in more of an affectionate way that anything, but since you guys don't know me personally, I can understand how it might come across that way. Probably the same problem we're having with the term "breeders"...it's hard to tell when it's being used in a somewhat affectionate, joking manner (which is how Snooch used it in her OP in the childfree forum), and when it's meant to be derogatory.

 

[andiesmama]

Actually, I wasn't "attacking" the thread in my OP as you so claimed. I was actually wondering whether I was a little oversensitive in being offended by that term, or whether it actually offended other parents too.

Furthermore, the thread was tagged [OPEN], which means that everybody can read and comment, regardless of whether they have children or not.

It was the first thread I visited in the childfree forum, being that it was "open". For a minute there, I thought my comments might have actually been welcomed. I certainly wasn't expecting ridicule, nor was I expecting an attack here.

I don't appreciate being told off in this way, particularly when my intent was not that of an "attack".

I re-read my post that you quoted carefully, a couple of times, and nowhere could I find where I specified any one person in particular, and I didn't even mention your first post that started this thread.

I was speaking in general, there were alot of instances in this thread where I felt that forum was being attacked or called out by different people.

I never "told you off"......I never mentioned you or anyone else by name.

 

[3Princessmom]

I just wanted to add my .02 worth as well!

I don't agree with the terms used because, we are to do nothing that could make our brother stumble:

1 Corinthians 10:31-33 (New International Version)


31)So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 32)Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— 33)even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.


BUT, I do not think we should never judge harshly those who do not have children. It is possible to be childfree and Quiverfull at the same time. As Quiverfull dictates not using birth control as well as not using fertility treatments. So if God chooses to not give someone a child, they would also be part of the childfree community. I would rather have them feel a part of the group there, than to constantly feel unfulfilled because God did not give them children.

I have never visited the childfree board, and have no desire to - I have kids! I also find it odd that childfree people visit the parenting board. What's the point?

Hugs to everyone here, God loves us all!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

3princessmom,

Actually, no they wouldn't.

Childfree's definition (at least on CF, as evidenced by that 'sticky' post) is a person or couple who CHOOSE not to have children, or to raise children at all. A deliberate choice, that is not for infertility reasons, or whatever.

As that sticky post says - people who want children, but can't for whatever reason are not who this board is for. They are quite welcome to post with respect - but the subforum is specifically for those in the community that are deliberately choosing to not have children.

I think there's a request floating around to have a subforum for those who are infertile/childLESS, rather than childFREE...

Sasch

 

[tigercub]

I was curious, and stopped by the "Childfree Couples" forum. Now I wish I hadn't.

Does anyone else find this offensive?

Are you aware that we parents are sometimes referred to as "breeders" by childfree people? (Just a disclaimer: I don't know the person who started that thread, and am not criticising them here. This is purely about my own feelings, not the OP of that particular thread.)

I just found the term really offensive, despite the dictionary definition (ie. "procreate, engender") given. What is wrong with the term parent instead of breeder? I find "breeder" derogatory and unwelcoming. I really felt like I wasn't welcome there, despite the "[OPEN]" in the thread title.

It just made me sad, as I am one of those people who doesn't judge couples for not wanting a child. That's their decision, but why should we as parents be termed "breeders" because we decide to have children? The term is primarily use in reference to someone breeding animals!

Really... I do find it offensive, and very hurtful.

Yes I find thir names for us (breeders) very offensive. If we (us Breeders) coined such terms for them (Species-Killers?) no doubt there'd be an outcry...

 

[Beth1231]

Well...I'm glad I took a few minutes to read this thread. I wandered into Child Free a couple of months ago and I was really offended at the one post I read...and I posted as much. Then Snoochface and one other person sent me a personal PM explaining and being extremely gracious. Also a recent thread in MM popped up about Child Free and again, I saw very gracious mature behavior that showed good "breeding." So I'm happy to see that "breeder" actually means bad parent and not parents in general. Perhaps there should be a general explanation visible for parents who visit that forum, so we won't be so offended at the term?
For the record, I still think it is a tad less respectful than it could be, but I aknowledge willingly that every forum has its terms and lingo.