Does anybody still think you have to spank to be a good Christian parent?

cruztacean

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This is a very sticky issue for me. I've raised my kids, but I'm in a position to be a grandmother within the next few years, and I wouldn't want my mistakes repeated on my grandkids. I spanked so often when it wasn't necessary, just because I was taught that it was the only "Christian" way to discipline your child.

I've addressed some of this in the abuse recovery forum, but I wanted to bring the issue up here too, to get a POV from parents/potential parents who were NOT abused. But to shed some light from the angle of someone who was: If I hear *one more* person say, "Well, my parents did this and that with me, so I'm going to do that with my kids..."

:mad: Just because your parents did it, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. That kind of reasoning scares me.

I've heard even ministers misquote Proverbs 13:24 as saying, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." For the record, here's what it says:

NIV: He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
KJV: He that spareth the rod hateth his son, but he who loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

I just want to SCREAM when somebody rattles off, "Well, the Bible says spare the rod, spoil the child."

Are they still telling parents that? I mean I could go into tremendous detail about what "the rod" really is, but I don't want to be preachy if it isn't necessary. Do most Christian parents nowadays know better?
 

andiesmama

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:wave: I'm a Christian parent and I spank....I wasn't abused by any stretch of the imagination when I was young, but I was spanked...and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I was spanked. I don't do it because my parents did it, I do it because that's the way we have chosen to discipline our child...one of MANY ways, I might add....and it's unfair to say that Christian parents who have chosen to spank their children as a form of discipline simply "don't know better"....
 
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I don't like to say "We spank," but we have. I try to avoid it at all costs. I think there is definately a right way and a wrong way to do it and that is a fine line to walk. That fine line would be the reason I try to avoid spanking.

We've found spankings don't work very well on my oldest daughter. We've also found with our second that it is too harsh a consequence for her most of the time. She is more sensitive so just raising our voice does it.
 
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cruztacean

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andiesmama said:
....and it's unfair to say that Christian parents who have chosen to spank their children as a form of discipline simply "don't know better"....

Oh, I'm sorry. :( I'm so emotional about the issue I didn't think about how my words sounded.

I think I'm reacting more to people who actually get mad at the very idea of NOT spanking. "Well, you have to discipline your child!" As if spanking is the only way to do it.

Your approach sounds far more balanced than the way I was raised, and the way I started out raising my kids. This is exactly what I was hoping, to hear from people who were not abused, because my social circle doesn't include very many people who were not abused.
 
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andiesmama

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cruztacean said:
Oh, I'm sorry. :( I'm so emotional about the issue I didn't think about how my words sounded.

I think I'm reacting more to people who actually get mad at the very idea of NOT spanking. "Well, you have to discipline your child!" As if spanking is the only way to do it.

Your approach sounds far more balanced than the way I was raised, and the way I started out raising my kids. This is exactly what I was hoping, to hear from people who were not abused, because my social circle doesn't include very many people who were not abused.

No harm done...:) . Like I said, we do spank but it's not the first reaction to an infraction. Normally we do a time out (well, now we're doing "time in"), or a revocation of a priviledge. Spankings are normally a last resort with fair warning and discussion, hugs, and love afterwards.
 
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We will spank.
My husband was spanked in a good way. His dad talked to him about why he is getting spanked, and his dad did not do it out of anger, and he was not spanked for everything.
I think if done correctly spanking is a good way to discipline. Period.
 
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oliveplants

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I think spanking, when done corectly, is a good discipline tactic. I don't think it's the only good one, or the only "Christian" way to discipline.

I was spanked, I do spank if needed.

To me, 'correctly' is calmly, in private, with a talk beforehand and hugs afterwards.
 
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GutterRat

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andiesmama said:
:wave: I'm a Christian parent and I spank....I wasn't abused by any stretch of the imagination when I was young, but I was spanked...and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I was spanked. I don't do it because my parents did it, I do it because that's the way we have chosen to discipline our child...one of MANY ways, I might add....and it's unfair to say that Christian parents who have chosen to spank their children as a form of discipline simply "don't know better"....


:thumbsup::thumbsup: I gots nuthin' to else to say..Mama said it for me.
 
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jgonz

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We paddle for Some things. We believe the Bible Does say that spanking/paddling/applying the rod is correct. However I would not say that someone is not a Christian if they don't choose to use spanking/paddling as one of the tools of discipline. :)
 
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Leanna

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My husband was spanked, but apparently his dad didn't do it enough to hurt (which I suppose is the point of hitting your child) and so he says it wasn't very effective and he mostly felt silly when his dad was spanking him.

I was spanked by my mom, but not by my dad. It hurt, and she was not abusive, but I consider it to be a bad experience. She created a flinching reaction in me because of the way it would "come out of no where" if I pushed her over the edge. The spanking itself created a major void in our connection as mother-daughter and as I grew to an older child and then adult I preferred my space from her. My dad, on the other hand (my parents were divorced), I lived with from 6 years old until 11, and then again after one year with my mom until I was an adult. He never spanked, but he was patient and respected and developed our relationship into adulthood.

So we aren't going to spank. I don't believe it is effective unless you strike the fear of being hit into a child as in the Pearl way, and then I think you risk too much.
 
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cruztacean

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Leanna said:
She created a flinching reaction in me....

I had one too. I remember times as a kid, I'd be sitting on the floor playing a game, and my mother might just casually walk toward me. I mean, she's not even thinking about me, just walking in my general direction. And I'd duck. On a couple of occasions she noticed it, but she never made the connection. She honestly thought I must have had a guilty conscience; I'd done something bad that she didn't know about yet. No. I was just scared witless of her, that's all.

My mother wasn't/isn't a mean person. She thought she was doing the right thing, and I know for a fact that some of her friends pushed her into spanking, often severely, when she wouldn't have otherwise done it. This is kind of what I wanted to know: are modern parents still getting that, "If your child was mine I'd wear him out" kind of peer pressure?

I'm glad that some of you who were spanked and/or do spank, made the distinction I should have made. By wanting to hear from people who "were not abused," I didn't mean "were not spanked." And when I say I was abused, I don't simply mean spanked.

Parents who spank, or plan to, how will you communicate to your children that you do it out of love, and not just out of a desire to hurt them? My mother said that, of course, but after what was absolutely the worst beating I ever got, I overheard her laughing about it. Never again did I believe her when she said, "I hate to do this," or "I do it because I love you." That laughter said it all.

And my relationship with my mother is, sadly, still strained.
 
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lucypevensie

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cruztacean said:
I
Parents who spank, or plan to, how will you communicate to your children that you do it out of love, and not just out of a desire to hurt them?

Keep in mind that ANY punishment can be given in an unloving manner. Timeouts can be unloving, grounding can be unloving...scolding...sighs of exasperation... making them stand in the corner...etc... ANY punishment can hurt (I'm sure you know that).

If a parent punishes a child with a "You're making me soooo mad!" attitude, that can be more traumatic to a child than a well-thought-out, controlled swat to the backside.

We've spanked our kids. At ages 6 and 8 though they're getting beyond the age that it's beneficial so it's been a long time. But generally, they'd get a fair warning, and if nothing changed then the follow-through spank would happen as warned. After the spank it's important to hug, express love, let the kdis cry if needed, encourage an apology from them, pray, whatever...

Spankings are reserved for the more serious things, like being out-and-out defiant.

Our kids know we love them because we are a loving family in general. I don't know how to put it more simply. Our household is a peaceful one. Spankings are uncommon occurences, so it's not like they live in fear of the next walloping.
 
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andiesmama

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Andie always gets a warning if she's going to be spanked. "If you do 'x' again, you will get a spanking." And then we follow through. After she cries a little bit, we always follow up with hugs, snuggles, & talk about why she got spanked. Reassurances of love are very important.

Same with when she has any other punishment (time in or priviledges taken away). She always knows before-hand what will happen so the punishment is never just coming out of the blue. That's so unfair.
 
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cruztacean said:
I think I'm reacting more to people who actually get mad at the very idea of NOT spanking. "Well, you have to discipline your child!" As if spanking is the only way to do it.
This is what irks me as well. There are some Christians who imply, or say outright, that God commands spanking, and that if a parent isn't using this form of discipline, they aren't following what God wants. If parents choose to spank after considering the information that is out there and the possible alternatives, that doesn't bother me - it's not my choice for my family, but we all love our kids and try to do what we truly believe is best. I recognize that.

People cross the line when they start making judgements about Christian parents who choose to discipline in a non-punitive fashion.
 
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Addicted2~Jesus

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I'm Christian, my wife is, I was spanked as a kid she was not, an we believe in spankin, cain't member the last time I actually spanked my daughter though. The tone the OP is usin is that of a person lookin for a fight it seems. Really thats not a good way of puttin it, I should reword it but not really sure how. I mean no offense, but apperently you disagree wit spankin an make no bones bout makin that know, does that make a bit more sense? Spank if you choose to do so, don't if you choose to do so. What I git bent bout .... is folks/parents who refuse to disicpline thier children, lettin em run a muck etc. I don't much care if one parent decides to spank wit an object er not at all etc etc if you don't disicpline your children I think you abuse em.
 
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Christdefinesme

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cruztacean said:
Parents who spank, or plan to, how will you communicate to your children that you do it out of love, and not just out of a desire to hurt them? My mother said that, of course, but after what was absolutely the worst beating I ever got, I overheard her laughing about it. Never again did I believe her when she said, "I hate to do this," or "I do it because I love you." That laughter said it all.

And my relationship with my mother is, sadly, still strained.

Kids really know if they are loved. It shows in every action, in the way you discipline it comes through in your voice and actions. No, you don't have to use spanking to discipline your children well. There are many wonderful parents who disciplne well that choose not to use spanking as a form of discipline.
If people use spanking in a loving manner it usually is: 1) not done in anger 2) explained to the child why they are getting a discipline 3) measured (the same amount of swats each time) so the child knows what to expect 4) talking with child after discipline, loving words, hugs, prayers regarding the infraction, and receiving the Lord's forgiveness for disobedience. 5) spanking is reserved for only certain infractions, and the child knows ahead of time which ones will end up in a spanking.
As you can see, this is an act surrounded by love and reason, it shouldn't be a thing done out of anger. So a child KNOWS they are loved, and this is a loving action, not a release for the parent's anger.
We always tell our kids, "we love you too much to allow you to walk in disobedience, so we take the time to discipline, we don't like to discipline you, but we want you to grow in obedience and love for others, so we choose to take the time to discipline you."
I have never had a negative experience spanking my children, they never flinch or run away from me, and people (relatives) that don't believe in spanking and know that I spank have been amazed that my kids return from a discipline happy and joyful. They have asked "how did you do that?", and I just tell them, "they know they are loved, that's all. They know they needed a discipline, and they know we love them."
 
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HeatherJay

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lucypevensie said:
Keep in mind that ANY punishment can be given in an unloving manner. Timeouts can be unloving, grounding can be unloving...scolding...sighs of exasperation... making them stand in the corner...etc... ANY punishment can hurt (I'm sure you know that).

If a parent punishes a child with a "You're making me soooo mad!" attitude, that can be more traumatic to a child than a well-thought-out, controlled swat to the backside.

We've spanked our kids. At ages 6 and 8 though they're getting beyond the age that it's beneficial so it's been a long time. But generally, they'd get a fair warning, and if nothing changed then the follow-through spank would happen as warned. After the spank it's important to hug, express love, let the kdis cry if needed, encourage an apology from them, pray, whatever...

Spankings are reserved for the more serious things, like being out-and-out defiant.

Our kids know we love them because we are a loving family in general. I don't know how to put it more simply. Our household is a peaceful one. Spankings are uncommon occurences, so it's not like they live in fear of the next walloping.
I agree 100%. And our household is pretty peaceful also...our discipline strategy is much the same as yours.

If my kids NEED a spanking, they get one...but they very rarely need one. They're good kids.

I guess my big problem with spanking (which is kind of funny, because I spank, too, lol) is the idea that the point of spanking is to hurt a child. I've never spanked my kids with that intention (well, I'll admit that on one or two occassions, I've spanked them harder than I meant to in my frustration...not in an abusive way, but with a little more sting than I should have...but God forgive me for that, it was wrong of me...and I also apologize and ask forgiveness of my kids when that happened :prayer: ). I spank them to get their attention and let them know that this is it, it's time to stop. I think the notion of spanking kids with the goal of hurting them or inflicting pain on them is VERY misguided. Just my opinion...lol, don't flame me. ;)
 
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Leanna

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HeatherJay said:
I guess my big problem with spanking (which is kind of funny, because I spank, too, lol) is the idea that the point of spanking is to hurt a child. I've never spanked my kids with that intention (well, I'll admit that on one or two occassions, I've spanked them harder than I meant to in my frustration...not in an abusive way, but with a little more sting than I should have...but God forgive me for that, it was wrong of me...and I also apologize and ask forgiveness of my kids when that happened :prayer: ). I spank them to get their attention and let them know that this is it, it's time to stop. I think the notion of spanking kids with the goal of hurting them or inflicting pain on them is VERY misguided. Just my opinion...lol, don't flame me. ;)

Now this point just really confuses me, so I am really asking this. Like I said, my husband was spanked and it didn't hurt... so he just felt silly... its not for the embarrassment effect if you're doing it at home and there aren't any people in front of them. So then I wonder, what is the point at all if it isn't the pain that "disciplines" them? :scratch: What is disciplining about a non painful spanking?
 
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Mskedi

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I was spanked, and I can't think of a single time when it happened that I didn't know why or didn't honestly believe I deserved it.

Generally it was because of something that could be dangerous (running into the alley, fighting too rough with my older brother, etc...). It was never a gut reaction. My parents would tell us why we were in trouble and send us to our room while they deliberated as to what the appropriate punishment would be. If it was to be spanking, they'd come in and tell us why that was the punishment they had decided on.

My dad always was the one who spanked, and my mom was always the one who made him. I didn't actually find that out for sure until I was an adult, but I could tell that my dad hated hitting us. That alone made me think that it was done out of love.

The reason spanking hurt was because I had done something that disappointed my parents and I felt ashamed, not because of the (admittedly mild) physical pain. I felt bad that I made my parents punish me so harshly, and I really did try to not do something like that again.

So... it worked there. It certainly wasn't abuse. I think there are other ways to discipline children, of course. The most important thing is that they are disciplined and that it's done in a loving, consistent, and thoughtful manner.
 
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